Wife dealing with erectile dysfunction after prostate cancer treatment
Posted , 12 users are following.
I'm having serious issues dealing with my husbands erectile dysfunction since his radiation and hormone therapy for prostate cancer 2 years ago. he is almost 10 yrs older than me and we had healthy sex life prior to diagnosis and treatment ! after treatment theres a significant size difference and problems obtaining and maintaining erection Even at full capacity penetration doesnt occur but he is able to be satisfied in 2 or less fast minutes Now i hate it and try to avoid it at all costs! i still love him but avoid touching or any kind of affection since he then thinks it's "time" As much as i miss sex terribly i would rather not do it at all and it is causing a major rift in our almost 40 year marriage We are both depressed and irritable I am not good at pretending so he is well aware that i hate it now We are now like roommates What should we do?
0 likes, 14 replies
dennis63948 mellysmell
Posted
I hate to say this but you have to discuss it together, or see a counsellor. If you don't then nothing will change?
I have prostate cancer and have had a course of 4 months hormone treatment, followed by Proton Therapy.
Good luck.
johnny62162 dennis63948
Posted
are you able to get erections or have sex? lupron has killed me as a man. i miss my junk and going at my wife for hours. i really have conteplated suicide if this wont change. this isnt a life for a man no muscle mass anymore or chiseled face.
johnny62162 mellysmell
Posted
HI you need to tell him how you feel. there are injections or even a implant that i would consider if it comes to that to please my wife. you need to tell him the truth that part of a marriage is sex and intimacy and pleasing one another. the truth is you wont be satisfied and will evetually find sex elswhere it is human nature. tell him to keep your marriage going he has got to do something or it isnt going to make it. what meds is he on? did he have Rp? that is inportant to know. is he on LUPRON i am surprised he can still get any movement with that s**t. when you say two years is he still on AdT THERAPY?
mellysmell johnny62162
Posted
Actually the cancer and treatment was in late 2015! i encouraged him to stop the hormone therapy short of the urologist's recommended "standard of care" time frame of 24 months - meaning everyone should be treated the same which infuriated me (and after he (the doctor) referred to it as castration!) i cried for a month and told the doctor how i felt about that reference in no uncertain terms! He received 8 weeks of radiation in addition to the hormone therapy - lupron sometime in higher dosages than we were told he would get! He did 18 months instead of 24 which I researched should be more than effective! PSA tests since ending treatment have been very good!
i have been very active in trying to help him return to some semblance of his former self and he also did get some pills but was reluctant to take them and they haven't made any difference the few times he tried them. i read that they do not work for men who received hormone therapy. i should mention that after the prostate treatment he had a mild stroke and several seizures which were partially attributed to heavy drinking which I'm sure is due in part to stress and depression. seizure meds probably don't help the erection issue!
please know i am extremely grateful that he is alive and has recovered greatly from most of the other side affects from the stroke and seizures and i believe have done everything in my power to help him rehabilitate from them! I still feel totally selfish, adding to my depression and less than positive attitude. ive tried to let him know how much i appreciate that he tries, but it is truly awful, awful, sex for me and makes me hate something i used to love more each time! He seems very satisfied with his final 1-2 minutes. should i just try harder to pretend? and obviously, im not very good at hiding my true feelings.
Also, initially i reached out to some doctor friends for recommendations for good therapists and did a number of therapy sessions, but he would not attend, so i stopped!
johnny62162 mellysmell
Posted
yes he needs to not be selfish . does he have the desire or I don’t know how your sex life was before but lupron kills the desire too. it is very diffuclt to deal with cuz of the side effects. i find that with less testosterone i am less jealous too it has completely changed me where sometimes i dont know what it feels like to be a man with a libido. my wife is very sexy and 12 yrs younger than me and she deserves better than this. i would be blunt with him and tell him you are not satisfied and you need your husband back, you a woman with needs too. i wish i had better news. lupron stays in system for up to a year or two after stopping it
mellysmell johnny62162
Posted
We had great sex when he was younger then good sex b4 prostate treatmentit seems now his desire has returned but to satisfy his desire and its perfectly fine if theres absolutely nothing in it for me! i m in good physical shape but am getting desperately more depressed, angry and feeling like an object! i dont want to get a boyfriend but i think about it more often
barney34567 mellysmell
Posted
Hi Melly,
Speaking as a 52 yo who had: radical surgery, high dose RT for a short time and moderate dose for 2 mths as well as ADT and now more meds, I can assure you that erectile dysfunction, ED, is often caused regardless of the treatment.
If more than one treatment is applied then ED will be worse.
The longer a treatment is applied, the ED will be worse still.
When treatments stop there is some improvement in erectile function, libido etc. But do not expect miracles.
So YES, I get you and I get your husband.
Now: what to do:
I suggest that your husband ON HIS OWN go see a general practioner/primary case doctor for advice.
Then he should go ON HIS OWN to a therapist (recommended by someone he trusts).
Then you BOTH go to the therapist.
Your husband must understand his situation and his preferred response to the situation. Once he has that crystalised, then both of you attending therapy will make sense.
Good luck.
RichardKen mellysmell
Posted
What a horrible situation for you to have to deal. with. Your husband should know that there are alternative ways of pleasing you that does not involve him needing an erection. Has he never been good at foreplay I wonder? If not then he needs you to show him the ropes. Hope you can win through before it is too late.
Good luck. Richard
Light1 mellysmell
Posted
Hi Melly,
I sympathize with both your and your husband's situations. Someone else mentioned injections. You can try googling trimix and read up on it. Perhaps it could help. Good luck
1
james01944 mellysmell
Posted
Viagra works well for me and I also use a c**k ring which helps me to stay erected longer and my erection extremely firm.
mellysmell james01944
Posted
i am most appreciative of the replies and suggestions from all of you so far i plan to follow up on several ! I would love to hear from some women point of views?
john66968 mellysmell
Posted
Hiya, after having my prostate removed 3.5 years ago i was really concerned about my wife missing out , sex without penetration just seamed impossible to me, but little did i know. We went through the pumps, c**k rings injections but then we discovered probably the nearest you going to get to and industrial vibrator, sound scary i know but it has revitalised our sex life and my wife is very happy. She has literally 8 - 10 moments of bliss in a session. As for me initially i had no erection for 18 months but over time and with the aid of a pill we are getting there, but early on we discovered you do not actually need an erection to orgasm, so i didn't feel i was missing out. if you wish to know the name of the product , pm me as i do not think im allowed to say it on here, if nothing else its defiantly worth a try.
cindy53007 mellysmell
Edited
Hi Melly,
I can totally feel Your frustration, and extreme sadness. My husband of 56 was diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer last may. I am only 47. He had his surgery in august, then we were told it spread to the pelvic lymph nodes and behind the anal area in the fatty tissue which is bad. Hes on hormone therapy, and finishing up radiation. He is starting to feel the sexual feelings starting to go, he has not had an erection since before surgery. This is so awful... I too have tried to be patient, but I'm starting to really miss the closeness You get during love making. This is so strange because We are strangers, but only Us wives going through this know the feelings We have. ( plus You seem totally normal and nice;) )
I hope You see this , and would like to talk
Sincerely,
Cindy
joan23085 mellysmell
Posted
I'm sorry to hear this - actually you both sound rather depressed, and in need of a discussion with each other!
I wrote the following on this forum several months ago. I include it again to show that there is hope. I'm 78, my husband is 74. What I wrote is all still true for us in April 2023.
"Others here seem pretty neutral/negative about use of the pump. This has not been our experience at all - for us the pump (with ring and Viagra) works really well.
Taking a step back, before my husband's prostatectomy in March 2020, the surgeon was very clear about what would happen afterwards. He said "incontinence" is more of a worry but impotence is more of a problem." He was right; there was absolutely no incontinence at all, but there are only small signs of erections returning to date. We have had fun trying to encourage them! The surgeon had said return could take up to two years, so we are not there yet.
Others on this forum have asked what sex is like after prostatectomy. It's certainly different - and for us actually in some ways improved. For example, multiple (dry) orgasms for my husband where there was only one before. Now that use of the pump has been mastered (which does take a little time, but honestly not long), I am delighted to find that my husband "lasts" much longer than he used to, enabling me to have multiple orgasms too.
My husband has now got into a routine of using the pump and Viagra twice a week, using a ring if we are having sex. Of course, completely spontaneous penetrative sex is not possible any more, but we are probably too old for that anyway (both in our 70's). We like the comfort of our bed.
We were delighted, too, to find that pump, rings and Viagra are free on NHS prescription after a prostatectomy.
We would certainly recommend using a pump. It's worked for us, and if erections do not return we will be more than happy to continue using it for a long time."
Joan