Wife has changed personality overnight

What can I say? I am in a similar situation - perfect relationship until we had twins early this year then when they were 4 month old she changed overnight from being an amazing and caring partner to a complete monster.

I've been arrested, been in court and have not seen the children for 6 months.

It is killing me but I am moving forwards every step.

In my case, those around us believe all her stories that I was controlling and abusive although I have cast iron evidence to prove otherwise.

It is a living nightmare and I am desperate to ensure my poor children are protected from whatever is going on.

Of course, as pathetic as it sounds, I love her. We had over four amazing years together and I thought that was it for me, as in she was the one.

Im in my late 40s and she is 37 - I don't know if it's post natal, narcissism, bi-polar or even histrionic. All I do know for sure is that it hit me like a train out of nowhere.

I'd like to say I'm glad I'm not alone but I know how hard this is and seeing others in the same situation just upsets me more.

I suspect letting go is the only thing to do. I will see the children soon and, as I said, I just need to focus on protecting them from whatever she has become.

Respect to you all.

I am very sorry for your situation. Your wife is bipolar. For your relationship it's too late and you need to get out of it ASAP.  Living, being married to a bipolar person is a nightmare you don't want to be in. For her sake she should go to a doctor she feels confident with and get herself diagnosed. If she goes n without medication the results will be tragic.  I'm talking, anything from drunk driving, std, arrests, possible suicide, and more. I apologize for being harsh and brief. I've studied this at length but am not a doctor and you should seek advice from several doctors.

Do not blame yourself. Never blame yourself. She will be expert st laying it all on you. She will be expert at pushing all the rit buttons. She will be expert at destroying you BUT none of this is your fault. You are not to blame for any of this.

insist on keeping your child and being the responsible parent but give her full visitation. Do not let her have the child. Talk to your doctor. If she knows what's good for her she will get tested.

When I read your post it was if I was reading about myself...myself being much like your wife.  I am a recovering alcoholic.  You would do well to try going to Al-Anon...just a suggestion.  No offense, but just another observation (I am now a Counselor and am working toward my Behavior Analyst certification...), it seems you are discussing HER behavior as the only cause for issues and that you are perfect.  When I sobered up, my ex did the same thing.  It wasnt until years later that my family and kids learned the truth...there was MUCH more to the picture than anyone knew.  

Addictions are tough, and I am in NO WAY blaming you for her addiction...basically the most important thing I can tell you from my perspective is that you can't FIX her...Only SHE can do that.  This one is out of your control.  That's especially hard for men to hear since you are typically "fixers".  I say that as a compliment, not a negative.  

I havent read all the comments so I may be speaking out of turn, but felt I needed to reply.  I hope this helps...if anything...perhaps I can let you "see" things through her eyes.

I'm an American living in Philadelphia who lost a wife to complications from juvenile diabetes (we were married for 23 years and even though half our marriage was spent in hospitals and doctors' offices I always knew that I was the luckiest guy on the planet. I loved her more than anyone has a right to in this world.)

I re-married, to a Brit who had been living here in Philadelphia. We were married in 2010 and ever since our wedding my wife has become a different person. Many of the same things you experienced (without the drugs), but her drinking increased exponentially. She became verbally abusive almost immediately then each night the more she drank, the more physical she got--often trashing our home, throwing dishes, refusing to come to bed and screaming constantly about how miserable everything is and, of course, it's all my fault.

She had 2 adopted daughters when we met in 2005 then I went with her to another country when she adopted a third. I loved all 3 girls from the moment I met them but was always conscious that they were "her girls" so I reluctantly didn't push the issue. After we were married though I begged her to let me adopt them and be their father legally and not only in practice. (We split all care for them and all expenses 50/50 ever since we moved in together in 2008.). She flatly refused. Despite how much I cared for our daughters I went along with her decision.

After we were married but before she became out of control she started sniping at me about how I wasn't educated properly and how I was like all Americans in being ignorant of the rest of the world. While it is very true, sadly, that Americans as a whole are indeed quite ignorant about what is happening outside of the U.S. and our country has an abysmal record in foreign relations often trying to tell other people how they should live, I was never like that. In fact, my work often takes me to the EU and I myself cringe when I hear another American complaining why "these people in France/Germany/Spain/Portugal (take your pick) can't even speak English". I've often taken by fellow countrymen to task over this sort of arrogance.

That's why her snobbery (public school accent included) doesn't ring true. Little did I know what was to come.

I had to have 2 heart operations in the space of 18 months after we were married. Not only did she not come to the hospital at any point, she turned off her mobile during my surgeries so as not to be interrupted by any calls from the surgeon, who, BTW, tried to reach her 3 times during the first 7.5 hour surgery. I could not even give him an explanation. She said she was too busy to pick me up and that I should take a taxi home from the hospital.

Her Mum came over to visit each Winter from when we were dating until our marriage then shortly thereafter fell and ended up bring bedridden so she lived with us since about 2 months after we were married. Her mother was almost certainly bipolar having witnessed the mood swings myself. My wife would argue with her constantly then Alzheimer's took over and her mother slowly slipped away mentally, all the while living with us and caring for her. She passed away in 2012 and my wife's behavior went from bad to worse. Suicide attempts, binge drinking, always screaming or crying but never wanting anything to do with me. Her emotions were either being absolutely livid with me or cold as ice.

In the interim my own mother developed Alzheimer's and after my mother-in-law passed in September of 2012, my mother came to live with us, which my wife agreed to since we have a large home. My wife just kept getting worse. Of course, being a guy, I tried to "fix" the situation by being supportive and not engaging her when she went into a tirade. Once I tried to walk away from her attempt to start an argument and she laid down in front of my car so I couldn't drive away.

I started a new job on July 1, 2013, but my wife took our daughters to Europe for the Summer in May and the plan was for me to meet up with them in Italy in mid-July. I did so, and we all had fun & she was to return with our girls in the first week of August. Instead, she fled back to the UK where (as I learned later) she had rented a home for a year and had already enrolled our daughters in school! When she didn't return I tried to reach her but she wouldn't answer her phone. She had a mutual friend stop by to tell me she and our girls were never coming back to the US.

This has become much longer than I had intended--apologies--I'll take a quick trip to the end. Custody action filed here in Philadelphia AND in London (I thought American lawyers were expensive--London solicitors are about 50% - 75% higher than US hourly rates. One firm quoted me £900/hr. and I just shook my head, but still ended up paying my solicitor £550/hr. compared to about £300/hr. for my US attorney.)

Bottom line: lost my job because of all the time I spent on the custody actions; lost all my money to the solicitors; lost my wife & daughters (who are just entering the teenage years); lost my retirement savings since I had to bear all of the housing expenses for our home without any financial contribution from my wife; and right after she fled to the UK she called everyone she knew here in Philly, including our kids' teachers and told them extravagant lies about me (drugs, drinking, abuse--take your pick) and of course, the husband is ALWAYS the bad guy so they believed her and I became a pariah in our community, except for those few good friends who knew me better than that.

Diagnosis was established as a hybrid of BPD & Narcissistic PD. Under the DSM IV a patient would need to exhibit 5 out of 9 possible symptoms for a BPD diagnosis. She has 8 out of 9. Complete lack of empathy coupled with certainty that EVERYTHING is always about HER. Other people's feelings or predicaments mean nothing unless they may affect her in some way. Basically a poster child for BPD. The only effective treatment is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) but it has to be voluntary and like most BPD's she doesn't need any type of therapy because nothing's wrong with her--it's all my fault.

Still trying to piece my life together and fighting severe depression. I'd like to erase the last 11 years of my life and do it over. Unfortunately that's not the way it works. Hope this has been of some benefit but I would like to me to know what has happened with your situation since the last post?

Eddie,

This same exact thing happened to me last year, we were the "power couple", friends based their relationship hopes on US. Suddenly "I don't love you", "I married you to spite my parents" and "The only man I ever loved was Andy" (her boyfriend when she was 15).

Andy had killed himself several years before when his marriage failed.

My wife looks now like she did at 18, it's a miracle, she hooked up with a married couple, got into things her old self would have frowned upon, drugs too. She's alienated our 2 sons and destroyed our family and a 17 year relationship/marriage.

She told her family i was abusive and controlling and kept her from them (secretly all she ever talked about was how much she hated them). They conveniently forgot that it was I who called them and begged them to come when the change was becoming obvious and our marriage was in peril.

It got to the point that i threatened suicide, she dared me to do it, told me I was a coward if i didn't...

Sound familiar?

CH

Your story is so upsetting and I feel so bad for you. I'm going through something similar with my wife. Have things eventually managed to improve?

There is something worth considering here before giving up and that is anti depressants.  She may have gone to the docs after her friend died and is taking anti depressants.  If she is then SSRI anti depressants does cause this behaviour in some people and they continue until you can get them off it.  Do what you can to check it out you and let me know.

Even though this was posted over a year ago and you may have found out....she obviously does not have depression but most likely has Borderline Personality Disorder and specifically the narcissistic type. Antidepressants may make her worse wouldn't go there. My mother is the same way and she finally had got diagnosed years ago and is way better than she was back then when her diagnoses was depression and was given meds that made her worse. I suggest bringing her to a psychiatrist