Wife may be in menopause and I'm here new worst enemy now
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I never thought i would be submitting on a forum but im looking for advice and confirmation. We have been married for 30 plus years and now in our early 50's. We never had the picture perfect marriage, but it was pretty darn good for 25 years. We only had each other and were each others strongest supporters. we raised two amazing kids. My wife always adored me for who i am. About 5 years ago, my wife blind sided me with a 2 hour long rant about how she was never happy with me and much more. After many requests for us to seek counseling, she finally agreed. our counselor at one point told me that my wife was most likely dealing with a mid life crises, childhood trauma to which i was now the target of all her trauma do to her mom while growing up, and pre- menopause. Again, im not perfect, and im sure im tough tough to live with at times but i feel like something glitched in her where i became the reason for any and all her own unhappiness. when this all started, our oldest child had left for college- which i think had a part to play in it. over the next several years she turned into a different person. She got pretty deep into conspiracy theories, she seemed to become very equipped at having a road block for any and all efforts i made to communicate and reason with her. she went from a sweet, giving woman that was a believer in me and our partnership to a person who was now smarter than most. She refuses to allow me to express my feelings about whats going on, and is completely brutal with her words when describing me and my actions. she brings up fights from 25 years ago and makes up new ones to explain how bad i was and am. After these fights and with no communication about them, she will act like nothing ever happened and appear to love me. im dying to be able to explain to her what i see and think is going on. She has all the other symptoms of menopause as well. However, she no longer believes in modern medicine, so she wont seek help or even consider a doctor. When i have mentioned (at the very most perfect times) maybe she could be going through menopause, she flys off the handle accusing me of calling her crazy. i am going crazy not being able to express any of my feelings. Every incident results in her taking the most extreme victim role and then accusing me of being the worst man on the planet, while she proceeds to call me vulgar names and smear my whole character. She has abruptly changed careers to where now she travels a lot, my children have expressed frustration as well. Its miserable for both of us, she is so unapproachable yet when vulnerable tells me how im not giving her what she needs- like and affection but i have such a hard time because she has made me her enemy. does this sound like menopause, how long does it typically last, when it does pass, will the real her be back, do you have advice for me? any help would be appreciated.
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sasical72 brad63190
Edited
Hi Brad,
First of all, congrats for posting on a menopause forum, a very good idea that I would never have thought of.
It's very difficult to answer to all you questions, because it's obviously your life and your situation, so I can't speak for you, but I can explain my situation a bit, which in some ways is similar to yours.
I started having symtoms of perimenopause in my early 40's, I have been to hell and back and in fact I'm not really back, I'm still pretty much in hell.
At one point I had a really long period of on and off uncontrolable rage, it was not like me at all, it was scary because I really felt I had no control over it and after would come the guilt.
In my late 40's, around 47-48 I started to have this crisis, I had always attracted a lot of male attention, and very suddenly this completely stopped, not only male attention, you suddenly seem to become invisible to everyone, plus your kids are getting older and don't need you so much, parents are getting older and you know what is coming and you are also truly faced with your own mortality. Add to all this that you feel like complete s*#t and fat, ugly, with no energy and anxiety through the roof, health anxiety, googling daily because you cannot believe all the horrendous and weird symptoms can "just" be menopause and yeah! you are not the best person to be around.
I totally get that none of this is my husband's fault, but he somehow, with everything going on within me, he became last priority on my list. Not fair but that's what happened. In the past 6-12 months there has been a bit of a shift and I don't feel quite as crazy...so anyway, that is my personal timeline and my explanation of what went on.
I don't know if this will be of any help but you are not alone in your situation, some couples get through it, some don't.
I wish you the very best!! and feel free to ask me if you have any questions
brad63190 sasical72
Edited
Thank you so much for the response and sharing your personal experience. One or two questions for you would be :
Just having her accept the fact that there could be other things going on, other just me being the reason for all of her unhappiness would change most everything. We just had a short conversation initiated by her - after multiple days of her not talking to me, not responding to texts, not responded to written letters - it began with her telling me she gets sick to be around me and cant look at me then proceeded to cover every possible argument or ordeal we ever have had with all blame . I said i cant believe you feel that its ok to bring up all of these things when im not allowed to express one real feeling that i have, good bad or indifferent. she said she was done and im impossible to talk to and stormed off. Ive never been so frustrated in my life. Her lack of any fairness and the double standard is mind blowing
I really feel - if she was able to say just once that she is struggling and that she thinks she could be going through something - i could let go of 7 years of blaming me and support her
But not being able to have a two way conversation coupled with her belief that im a horrible man and all her menopause related health symptoms are my fault- i dont see any positive outcome in this
sasical72 brad63190
Posted
Hello,
I'm sorry to hear, it really is near impossible when the other person is not willing to accept absolutely anything.
Yes, I realise that I was not being easy, and I knew it was hormone related because I have always been relatively easy to live with and I wasn't any longer.
In our case there had also been other issues, my husband is an addict and when he got sober 8 years ago he had a very bad time and he put me through hell and he was going through withdrawal and recovery, so I think he felt like putting up with me beeing moody was the least he could do.
I must say that although now we get on quite well, our relationship has completely shifted and we are more like friends than a couple, so I'm probably the last person who should be giving out advice.
From the things you say that she says to you, it really sounds as if she needs some space right now, maybe a bit of distance will make her realise you are not the enemy.
Best of luck!