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We're all speaking of anxiety like it's a third person when it's really coming from the inside. Being something that is so closely connected to our subconscious feelings it's also frighteningly uncontrollable.
Will we ever get rid of it completely?
Since anxiety took over my life for the first time about three and a half months ago it has gotten a lot better, but it feels like it's always going to be part of my life now. I feel like simply by having experienced it, by having experienced the terrible fear and panic that comes with it, by having had so many aches and pains in my body that I never had before and never thought about before, I have now opened a door which I can't just close again because I can never forget what's behind it. I think my body is always going to fall back in this panic mode when something is going wrong now. It's just so uncontrollable. People don't get that anxiety does what it wants, you can't just get over it. I'm a "just get over it" kind of person, well I was, but now I'm just helpless.
I get terrible chest feelings, like pains and tightness fluttering and emptiness and fear and dizziness, and there is nothing I can do about it.
Sure I have done my research, I've confronted it, I've tried to accept it and float with it, done plenty of yoga and breathing exercises. I confronted my worst fear at one point when I had to get on a plane and thought I would suffocate or collapse mid air. This all helped and I have really good phases where I feel normal again. And I REALLY appreciate feeling normal now. Like not thinking about my breathing, not wondering where the nearest hospital is, being able to go to bed without listening to relaxation tapes, having some drinks and going out without being scared of disapponting the people I'm with because I might get a panic attack. But sometimes the anxiety just comes back and it's absolutely awful. I know some of you have been dealing with it for much longer but I just can't accept it. It makes me so upset and so angry because I feel like it's stopping me from so many things. I love travelling and now I'm actually scared to treck through a rainforest or find a lonely beach or go hiking or get drunk midday in some foreign city and everything that excites me, because I am truly terrified of getting my horrible physical symptoms and having no one to help me and no place to go. I can't stand being out of control.
I'm sorry this has turned from a question into a rant. How are you guys coping with it? x
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