Will my anxiety kill me before symptoms do ? (ibs, periods, health)

So,

I don't know where to start from. For some reason i feel more comfortable silently opening up to a forum than i do to my therapist, friends, boyfriend, parents. I am literally paying someone to talk to and yet i can't. And this is the least of my problems right now.

My main issue i would say is health anxiety, or how I experience it extreme fear of dying and googling my symptoms 24/7 for the last 1 and 1/2 month. I also have OCD since I was very little but i had it diagnosed this years and i was proposed meds which i didn't even consider. The OCD is not my main concern at the moment, I guess i am used to my compulsions (checking, counting, organising, repeating moves and rituals), even though fearing illness and googling symptoms might be a form of obsession/compulsion. Even as I write right know I am erasing and typing words again, or not allow myself use certain words.

Anyways, in September i moved to study abroad in France, so at 19 it was for the first time living by myself really far away from everyone i knew. Some time before leaving, when the acceptance letters arrived, I had a really delayed period. It had happened before when i was in high school but back then i didn't panic as much as i did last summer. So in July 2020 i went to both an endocrinologist and a obgyn. The tested me for PCOS, thyroid conditions, I had a full hormonal blood work and some ultrasounds and a pap test. I was just fine and they told me i didn't have any conditions. In the past year though my period has been late once or twice (about a week each time) and it came earlier once. Dr google said this is normal, considering i also fly quit regularly. This months my period just disappeared. My last period came on May 9. Some time before that was also the time when my anxiety hit the roof. On April i was back home for spring break and on May 3rd i travelled back to France for the first cycle of my exams. I got back home on May 15th and then back to France again on June 16th for the final final exams. I guess this is a lot of travelling and stress considering also finals. The point is that my period is nowhere to be found and according to my googling it might be stress but it also might be early menopause, infertility, and all kinds of cancer apparently.

I have also been dealing for years (since i was 13 or 14) with IBS symptoms that comes and goes, usually once or twice a year. I never got it checked because i was always scared of the worse. My symptoms are the same they used to be since i was 14 and of course all this period i am talking about, for about the last month i have a mild flare. I also went to gastroenterologist for that about three weeks ago. My main symptoms during a flare are moderate cramps, diarrhea (the severity of it varies according to my diet ) some times nausea and the thing that has me going crazy, some drops of blood on the toilet paper after some days of ongoing diarrhea (sorry if i am being graphic i am doing my best not to). The doctor told me the bleeding is probably caused my tiny skin tears due to the acidity of frequent bowel movements thus probably superficial. She said to accurately diagnose my condition as Ibs we should do some blood tests to check for things like infections and anemia to rule out Ibd. I asked her if she thinks i have cancer because of course this is what i think and she confidently said no considering my age and symptoms. But if you are in my situation and you have googled one symptom once you know there is always a story of someone who had something terrible and you think it will be just like you. I haven't done the blood tests yet because i had a wisdom tooth infections and i was told it could affect my results. The truth is i have also been avoiding it because all my gut haha is telling me is that i have something bad and i fear my life will never be the same.

At this point, I am desperate. I am anxious about my exams and at the same time I am spending time googling symptoms, the same things over and over again, and then i have to study and i end up not sleeping. I feel guilty for being more stressed about something else than my finals and then i get stressed about my grades. I also google every little pain or tingling , going through all possible conditions. The past few days i may be experiencing some kind of pms (swollen painful breasts and irritability) but i feel like they are symptoms of something else and my period is never coming. Yesterday i was talking with a friend nagging about her period and i was jealous. Today i thought i may have breast cancer or something maybe.

I don't know what else to do, i started therapy a month ago and i don't think it has helped me. It is not the anxiety that is driving me crazy it is the realness of the thoughts. I can't convince myself that it is my anxiety that makes me think i have a serious condition. Maybe it isn't, maybe i am right and there is something seriously wrong with me and everyone is wrong and by the time i will know it , it's going to be too late.

Sorry for the endlessness of my paranoia, please if you have anything to share do so because i never felt so helpless.

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