Worried I’m a bad person
Posted , 5 users are following.
Where do I even start.. It's about 1,5 years ago the last time I wrote something on this website. I'm 22 years old, suffering from, well I'm not really sure, for 5 years now.
It feels problems have became really complex. There are things that I still fear the last time I wrote something down on this forum, but there are a lot of things that added up.
I'm basically constantly worried and afraid. I fear that I'm crazy. That I might suffer from schizophrenia.
My diagnosis are vague. I'm diagnosed with ADD, social anxiety and probably ocd, although that's still unsure. Psychologists doubt if I have autism or not, but that's unsure as well. People who are closed to me say they can't reconize it.
There is just a lot to write down, but I will write some of my worries down. They all just feel so weird.
I'm afraid I'm a danger to people because of the thoughts I have and I'm afraid I'll act on them. I have heard they are called intrusive thoughts, but I doubt that as I doubt literally everything..
I have an big obsession about nature. I'm basically questioning if it's ethical to use plants and trees. I can't seem to make my mind up what's true or false. Of course in this life you can't avoid it, but it's triggering me everyday. Today I had to get rid of some plants in my garden, but my mom already did it. Back to the first worry, now I'm afraid I hurt my mom, because she did something I'm not sure about. I'll hate to do it, but I rather get rid of the plants of myself.
Next is my obsession about evil stuff. Every time I see something I can make a connection with and can link to something I feel like there is something wrong. This could be certain colors and numbers as well. The worst part is that I judge other people too. Not just myself. I feel awful because of that. But this goes even further. Lately I received a guitar, which is pretty big exposure, because it's such a big wooden object, but all of sudden I remembered a movie about object that where 'alive' and I made a connection inside my mind this might be the case with this as well. I'm not sure why I think this.. It's just ridiculous to say the least. I'm afraid of the dark as well.. And I'm 22 yo..
Another worry is about covid, but not that I'm afraid I'll get sick. I'm seeing lots of people being angry at each other, about being vaccinated or not. I have these doom scenario's of this going completely out of control.
I'm afraid to be close to people, because of everything that's happening in my brain. I feel irritated about everything as well. I'm distrustful towards anything.
There are way more things, but they all kinda are about me losing control, being crazy and doing bad stuff + what is ethical in life and what isn't. I really feel like an outcast of society.
Lately I'm thinking about my past and if it's related to the way I feel right now. I do have a bad youth full of physical and mental abuse. When I think back about it I feel nothing really which is weird. It feels like some feelings are turned off.
I don't know what I can do guys. I'm currently following therapy, but I feel like my problems are too complex. It's exposure therapy.
If someone is can help me out a bit, I really would appreciate it. I really don't know if I'm still on a good website for the problems where I deal with. I'll post this is anxiety disorders, but I'm not sure.
0 likes, 10 replies
gillian26312 Contakt2
Edited
it sounds like anxiety and harm ocd you are suffering from. I would speak to you gp and maybe think about medication as that may help.
Contakt gillian26312
Posted
I have therapy, I'm not fully open to her yet though, because I feel ashamed of myself. I take meds as well.
jan34534 Contakt
Posted
therapists are there to help. Just open up and you will feel a great relief from doing that!
therapist hear all sorts of things every single day. and nothing would be shocking to them. They are not there to judge you but only to help you feel better.
just LET IT ALL OUT and you will see that it feels great! ❤
Contakt jan34534
Posted
Hey Jan, I remember you. I know they are, but I'm afraid about the outcome of it. I'll try it one step at the time. First I'll need to talk about the covid issues, because at home (I still live at home) things aren't going well because of it. My family is heavily against vaccines and talks about all kind of scary stories, but at this point it ain't a choice anymore. I'm at this point distrustful as well, but I know I have no choice. I'm just scared.
gillian26312 Contakt
Posted
you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You need to tell your therapist trust me they willl have heard it and they are able to help. you will feel so much better after talking about and it will help you recover. you can get over this pal i know its scary but you can
Contakt gillian26312
Edited
Yeah, I'll try it one step at a time. She told me that as well, but still it's hard. But I know I need to open up
gillian26312 Contakt
Posted
i know its hard pal . you can do it x
sasical72 Contakt2
Edited
Hello,
To be honest nothing you say sounds to weird to me. In fact you just sound like a 22 year old with very high anxiety levels.
My thought patterns were similar to yours at that age.
My recommendation to you would be to continue with therapy (if you find this one doesn't help try another, there is sure to be one out there to fit you) and 100% do some sport, that was the one thing that helped me more than anything else, I am not a sporty person and it really took dome effort to get into, but the reward on my thoughts were amazing.
If you have any questions just ask.
Good luck!
Contakt sasical72
Edited
Thanks for your reply, I hope the therapy works. It's not the first time I'm in treatment. I have been on a waiting list for 1,5 years for this. Currently I have no psychiatrist for my medication, because there is simply no substitute for my old one. That's pretty annoying.
Sports indeed helps. I do sports weekly via daytime activities. It kinda helps me in the moment itself. More then meditation for example. That only makes me think more.
My thoughts are getting me a lot lately though. I'm so worried about various things and I feel like I just don't think straight. Kind of bizarre thoughts are constantly going through my mind and I can't really tell if it's untrue anymore. I take everything extremely serious and it does control me.
sasical72 Contakt
Posted
Thoughts have to be trained, it takes time and practice.
One exercise my therapist made me do was to carry a little booklet around with me (or it can be done on your phone) and every time I had a negative thought I had to write it down, cross it out and write a positive one. I did this every day for a long time. This way you retrain your thougths.