Worried that my 4 year old has behaviour problem please can anyone help?

My 4 year old has started displaying problems again, it started as a baby where he would have very bad hysterical fits of anger at going to sleep etc and it took a long time to get it to stop with help from my mum who also found it very difficult to calm him down it would sometimes take hours for him to stop. He went through this again at about 1 and it carried on and got worse each time he would shout scream as loud as he could and punch me. I did get told that because i was in a violent relationship with his dad when my son was born he may well remember it, he also suffered from nightmares and would scream in his sleep which still happens occasionally. He would kick off over being told no and no matter what i tried it just didnt stop the fits of anger. He would throw stuff across the room and wouldnt listen to what i said eventually me and my partner at the time managed to get his temper under controll. He has always been behind with things like talking and was reffered to speach therapy but shortly after he began catching up with talking, he wasnt potty trained until he was 3 and a half and is very quiet with people even people in the family hes grown up with. Hes very shy unless around me my mum or certain people. Hes a very shy child and isnt as confident as his sister who is 2. He wont listen the first time i say something and i have to repeat it again and again, he also trys to get out of tidying up by delibereatly hurting his foot on something or by fake coughing, he starts to cry if i ask him to tidy up and its just a constant battle that normally goes on for hours and he still hasnt done what ive asked so i end up doing it. Hes very loud at times and it takes a lot of time to get him to quiten down a bit, he seems to get angry very quickly with his sister and at me and my mum. He throws these tantrums if my mum asks him not to jump up and down on the sofa as he may falkl off. He keeps throwing food and toys again at the moment aswell.He seems to be teaching my daughter the wrong things and its almost as if hes the youngest child copying what she does instead of it being the other way around. Hes very small hes the same height and weight as a 2 year old although me and his dad are tall. Im currently living in an Ocean house and have one compliant already due to noise and today my son has had 2 tantrums where hes gone hysterical and breathing strange because hes screaming and crying so much my mum took him off me and he became worse her partner tried and my son screamed louder. Im worried that if i get more compliants i could lose the house i have, ive tried everything and i now feel like im back to square one. Hes at nursery and im told every time hes as good as gold but the minute we get home his behaviour changes, i just wish i knew why he wont listen to me the first or second time i say something and why he keeps asking questions he knows and has already asked me. He also screams every night when he has a shower. A lot of people mistake my son for a 2 year old and are always saying how shy he is but hes not when hes at home he just wont calm down at times and now my daughter is starting to do the same things im assuming because shes copying him. Does anyone have any idea why he could be doing these things? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank You

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