Worst regret of my life

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About a month and a half ago I found out I was pregnant, I felt a mixture of emotions but truthfuly I was over the moon about it. As a few weeks went by people started to have there own opinions and of course some was negative. Me and my fiance are both 21 we don't lead a life where we go out every weekend and would make absaloutly amazing parents, we then decided after all of this that it wouldn't be fair to raise a child in the situation we was in as we still lived with parents and certainly wasn't financially stable! This broke my heart I've never been so upset about a decision in my entire life. I planned to go to the clinic after my holiday so any bleeding didn't occur while I was away (this was not for any sort of selfishness). As I arrived at the clinic I was petrified and mortified I was not allowed anybody to even sit in the waiting room with me, the whole time I'd planned on having a medical abortion but then the horror came I was to far gone for that so thwy would have to perform a surgical. I had to come back the next day and by this time I was a state I've never had to make a decision so hard in all my life. One the surgery was over I suddenly felt a sense of relief but I felt so horrible for feeling that was but I also was glad it hadn't effected me. Little did I know a few hours past and I just burst into tears not know what the he'll I'd done and regretting every second. Ever since I have cried every single day I am snapping at people I'm walking off on my own so I don't see anybody and I just know I've made the wrong decision I was having night mares waking up and my whole body was having some sort of mini fit, I weno to the doctors and was told it was the start of PTSD. Given half the chance I would rowing time and have my baby and do anything I could to make it work. I go to sleep crying I wake up crying I look in the mirror and cry I will start breaking down every time I have a second to think. I have to hide it from work I put on a brave face people think im fine but I'm not at all please someone tell me how I can get through this?!

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  • Posted

    Hi aimee, don't take this the wrong way but I feel very sad about what I've just read.  I'm 42, was assaulted when I was younger and as a result have waited until I was 40 to even try to have children as I felt so damaged.  My doctors result said 'rape'!  I am catholic and can't ever agree with abortion - I'm sorry it just eats me up inside.  IF you attempt to have children then you have to follow it through.  So many lives wasted through abortion - that is a LIFE from the moment you conceive and now you've thrown it away like a used carrier bag.  I have now ONLY just this year been thrown a lifeline through i.v.f on the n.h.s.  You've made me feel a whole range of emotions, if this fails I'll let you know and then see how you feel!  Think before you act?  That's my advice!
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    • Posted

      I am deeply saddened to hear what you have had to go through and I hope with all my heart that everything goes okay for you, I did say I wished to god I could give this life to somebody who truly cannot have children. But I did not write this post to have lectures on what I should and should not have done I understand that I don't wrong and do you ot think that eats me up enough inside and to refer to throwing away a carrier bag just hurts even more you have your opinion fair enough but to use terms like that I'm sorry but the way I am feeling every single day just makes me feel a whole lot worse! I have said all of my life I do not agree with abortions but unail you are put in the position you will never understand every single little thing you have to think of. My auntie lost a child anot amount of years ago and this broke me into pieces but even her out of all people could understand my pain hurt and anger and has supported me through this time. I hope you haven't taken offence to what I have said and I really do wish you the best of luck but for now I only want comments of people who are in the same situation as me and not critisizing me for my actions I'm feeling enough grievance weather it was my choice or not I've still lost a life close to my heart the same as weather it was planned or unplanned. I honestly from the bottom of my heart wish you all the best for the future.
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    • Posted

      How fast do you type? Or read? I understand what you're saying and feel it's just my upbringing that makes me know that I mustn't abort even if I carried a disabled child to full term.  What I forgot to mention is I too was diagnosed with ptsd earlier this year and for this received some useless cognitive behavoiural therapy which didn't help but left me suicidal, so I do understand how hard ptsd is to deal with.  I'm sure your decision was difficult but due to my background have always felt angry about people who abort as a life is a life?  IF you feel guilt for what you've done already maybe that's enough.  May be you would have felt different if you hadn't had an abortion.  After being abused myself I hate to see it anywhere else!  I'm sorry if I upset you but just felt angry initially after struggling for 2 years to have any children!

       

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    • Posted

      I do fully understand your anger, that's why it's so hard for me to deal withe because angry towards myself whenever I see a picture or even if im around a child I look at there parents and think they are the luckiest people alive to be given something so special and every single day I feel so selfish all that was going through my head was I was terminating a life as much as people was telling me it was nothing at only 10 weeks it was still something so special to me. If I could go back in time I would still be carrying my child now. I just wouldn't want anybody to look down on me because no one will truly know what is happening in other peoples mind or what there life is really like. I only trust one counciler every other one I have ever been to have made me feel like it's so difficult to express anything and they don't show anything but negative energy.
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