Would you wanna be reached out to again, or should I move on?

My sincere apologies in advance, as this is probably going to be a long post, and I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for going through this. I also apologize for all the mistakes, as English is not my first language. 

That being said, I am in dire need of advice. I met my soulmate last September. After spending the most amazing two months together, he started to slowly retreat due to his depression. I did not think of depression at first, as my first instinct is to realize that I am just ´not good enough´, and feeling rejected. It all started after things got physical, which is one of my main triggers – opening up, things getting physical and people leaving. This is why it is very difficult for me to open up, and before meeting him I didn´t let anyone near me for almost a decade (yeah, I know).

When we first met, the signs of depression were already there, but I did not notice them. He would say things like: “The day was just empty.” He would tell me how he had no energy to leave the house, and to socialize and how sorry he was, but that he didn´t wanna lie to me. All of this did not make me think of depression, I just thought of them as regular ´bad days´, also because he was in between a transitional period and felt like being ´in limbo´. After getting close, he told me that he needs to tell me about his ´dark side´ – which he only ever shared with one other person before, and turned out to be schizophrenia, which he ´recovered´ from (I know you cannot actually heal schizophrenia, but he said to have it under control or to have “mastered” his alter ego by confronting the traumatic experience that caused it – or something like that).

All of that did not stop me or made me doubt anything, because he was the kindest, most caring, smartest, funniest man I had ever met, and we just clicked on every level.

But after a while, he started to make more and more excuses and then stopped replying altogether. But he would still be able to update his Tinder profile, I was really hurt – not thinking of depression – and became distant myself and stopped reaching out (he then said that he was still active on social media, but that it did not mean anything). Also, the update to his profile went like this: “Wait till you find out about the massive emotional walls, and how I like to drive people away to protect my fragile, broken heart.”

Then there was no contact for about 2 – 3 months. One day I couldn´t take it any longer and was in a really bad place and decided to reach out again – he replied immediately. We talked, and he was mostly concerned if I had found someone new, and what I had been up to. He told me that “he had been seeing other people”, but didn´t do the things that were special between us, which still hurt. Coincidentally, I caught him exactly the day before leaving the country for two months or so for a mission, where he would have no phone. He said that he planned on texting me before leaving, but then again, he wanted to text me so many times, and in the end didn´t; convinced I don´t care and had replaced him.

Fast-forward, we met briefly on one of his off-days, and we talked but didn´t really talk. We mostly avoided talking about what mattered most (we only had one hour), and when it came to it, he said things like “these phases show him, who´s willing to stay and who´s not”.

Honestly, I was shocked and replied: “So, it was some kind of test, that I failed?”

He answered, “That´s not how he meant it, and he knows that I am not to blame and that it´s all his own fault.”

He said he would come back soon, and that we would meet. To keep things short, things didn´t get better, and I never saw him again. In the meantime, I understood that he was depressed, and tried to be as understanding as I could, really regretting leaving him the first time around. We would sometimes text. Finally, he came back, but he was still in that dark place. He would tell me, how he misses me, how he knows that my messages are supposed to move something inside him, but that it is like a siren in the distance, and that he feels dead inside. He just wanted to feel things, and that he had enough of the sh*ttiness of the world and people. Of course, I was alarmed by that, and talked to him, but he said that he was not suicidal.

I tried to be supportive, sending him encouraging texts and memes. And how he should take his time and that I would always be there.

But things got harder and harder for me. I did not tell him that, and as sharp and perspective he is on his good days, I believe he did not, or rather could not, care on these bad days. I called him twice or so, but he never answered and told me, that he felt sick, and how sorry he was. After a lot of unanswered texts, I asked him again, if we could meet, but that it is okay if he did not feel up for it. Again no reply.

He would always say that he knows how he needs help, and that he would seek it, but never actually go through with it. I would catch him online sometimes, and after seeing him hearting pictures on Facebook, I broke down, deactivated my social media and knew that I had to end it. Six months had passed with no improvement. I felt like I had tried and reached my limit. In the meantime, I had started therapy due to my own anxiety and depression, and during one session my psychiatrist told me: “He should be asking for a chance, not you. He should be trying to mend this, not you.”

That said, I wrote him the longest message (probably in the history of messages), how sorry I was, and how hard it is for me. How much he means to me, but that I need to find my peace, and how sorry I am, that I am not up to my word.

And I am not sure, I should have followed through and listened to my psychiatrist.

And that is what is hunting me. I know that feeling, and that fear of people eventually leaving. You expect it, you just wait for it and ask yourself when it will happen. I was not true to my word. I feel like I kept saying, “It´s okay. Take your time. I completely understand. I will always be here waiting.” – To suddenly: “Yo, I´m sorry, you know what, I actually can´t. KBye.”

It has been two months, and he never replied. And I am still not over it. I was doing really good, and now it is hunting me again. I can´t forget him. I just want him to tell me anything. But he would always tell me, how sorry he is, and how he feels like he has nothing to say, so I know that he probably can´t. I just feel like I cut him off out of the blue, and that I should have given some kind of warning, or told him that I am actually not okay, and if we can talk.

Am I just making up excuses for him? I would see him online a lot afterwards, and I wouldn´t understand. Or maybe he is looking at the chat, like I am? He told me, he opened up this chat more times than he can count without actually texting. Should I have kept my word? But, then again, who left whom first? Didn´t he leave me? Did I leave him? I know that his depression ruined everything, and that it is not his fault, and I am not blaming him, and I told him that. I told him, that I do not want him to feel bad, and that I know that he never meant to hurt me.

I am actually not sure, what question I want an answer to, or what I am looking for. Maybe I just needed to vent, or have someone who understands, because everyone in my surrounding shares the same opinion: “He is an asshole, and not worth your time. Move on.” And I don´t know why I can´t. I am holding myself back so badly to not text him: “You just let me go like that? Did I mean nothing to you?”

But I shouldn´t, right? Or should I?

Maybe that´s why I´m here. Would you want the person to reach out again? But how could you trust their word with them going back and forth like that? How could we ever trust each other again?

Thank you for caring and coming this far. 

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