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Hello everyone! I'm new to this site and I'm just at a loss of words with Prozac and feel so defeated. I'm starring at this bottle thinking of flushing it all down the toilet or to continue going through the storm, unsure when things will finally feel better. I'm sorry but I can tell this is already gonna be a long one.
Back track a little bit to my history....I didn't necessarily grow up with the best family relations but my sweet mother did everything she possibly could to maintain my stability and happiness. Ever since I could remember, my father was always a very angry man and would abuse my mother and I verbally and physically for years, we became his at-home punching bag for no reason. It definitely took a toll on me, especially once I got a little bit older (15) I tried to commit suicide. I lied to my friends and teachers why I had all these cuts and bruises, but I know they started catching on; someone doesn't trip down a flight of stairs every week now. My resentment with my father grew and grew and at the age of 17 I started fighting back to protect my mother as well as myself, but let's face it, he had a 100lb weight advantage and a foot height advantage and I would always end up on the floor being pinned and getting punched repeatedly. Those years were hell to me. I can ramble on and on but fast -forward I finally turned 18 and I moved out and got my own place in a different state and started supporting myself independently. I told my mother to please call me if anything happened to her I would be there as soon as possible, but suprisingly I guess he got the memo and thankfully he stopped beating my mom once I left. I believe when I moved and started having to do things on my own and being able to pay for things by myself gave me this self confidence and a booster in motivation to do the things and pursue my dreams and passions. That's the one amazing thing about it all, during all the madness I still knew that I wanted to be an artist and was going to make sure I made it! The transistion was hard yet interesting, I was very social which surprises me because nowadays it's very hard for me to even make a friend without having heart palpitations and stuttering out of control. When I turned 20 that's when things really went sour. I don't know what happened to me, but something in my brain just turned off. I had no motivation, no desires, ignored calls(due to fear), dropped out of college, I was beginning to have panic attacks and couldn't leave my house...ever. I barely worked due to just having to fight off my panic attacks and had to call out a bunch of times but eventually(which even that took me an hour-2 hour pep talk to do so) I just had to show up in order to pay for my bills, but that was the worst when I would have extreme panic attacks at work and my employers were not very understanding and said I made the team look bad so I got let go not too long after. For the next 3 years I continued this cycle, never left my house, couldn't even call the delivery guy to get food because I didn't want him to look at me, couldn't go anywhere in public without having some form of meltdown or panic attack. I felt so alone, so paranoid, so anxious, and just wanted to sleep my life away. Finally 4 months ago I took the initiative and reached out for help, it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. This clinic saved my life. They set me up with weekly therapy sessions and monthly doctor visits and my doctor prescribed me to 1mg klonopin 3x a day(take 1.5 on a daily basis) and my therapy sessions were helping me tackle my fears and I started to finally go out and do things...on my own! I felt like I was becoming myself again, my anxiety was there on occasion but it didn't stop me like before. I got a new job, a great job that I enjoy, enrolled back in school, got a cat hehe, met a wonderful man who is now my boyfriend and so supportive and understanding and most of all, I felt my passions coming back to me. I started painting again for the first time in years, took new hobbies and learned to surf and play the guitar, I kept myself busy and was beginning to feel happy again.
Yesterday, my doctor prescribed me to 20mg Prozac. I was very scared mainly reading the side effects and how many people didn't like it or felt strange the first couple of weeks and finally by the 2nd month things started looking up. I was hesitant, but I took 1 pill and oh boy....the first three hours I felt OK, just very apathetic, very numb, just blah. The next couple hours afterwards was hell!! And I had work too that evening! I tried to lay in bed before work but holy moly I felt so much worse, worse than ever before. My anxiety was through the roof, I was sweating profusely and couldn't form sentences properly...I couldn't remember things or maneuver properly and felt so strange in my body. I had this feeling of just having some squishing my head so hard and a huge weight on top of my head. Then out of nowhere I couldn't stop crying, for hours I just was in no control of my body and let's just say work did not go smoothly at all yesterday. I had to take 3mg of klonopin just to stay okay and not have a panic attack and stop the crying. I finally went home and just cried all night and told myself I don't want to do this, I don't feel strong enough to continue with this medication if I finally see results by at least 8 weeks, but to go through that till then..... I was finally getting better and now I just felt like everything I progressed is spiraling down. I need your help, your input, anyone who faced the same feelings that I'm doing so now. I don't know when my silver lining is coming with this medication but as of now I just don't even want to take it. I know an SSRI is beneficial and helpful for me, but I just don't think this one is for me, after all those nasty side effects there was nothing that made me want to be like "alright let's do that again."
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