you have always been enough

a few things im going to do right now besides give up

reach out to people i dont have friends or family so i tried a counseling chat line (288 i think) and they gave me a list of grounding techniques to try

this board hoping to find any support because its hard doing this alone and it would be really nice to talk to people who can genuinely relate therapy is helpful but feels really generic sometimes and it would help me so much to talk to someone that understands what its like to be here in my shoes somehow still standing here inspite of the trauma and disaster that is my life

i dont reach out or share with people im extremely paranoid and gaurded but also incline to chaos and self destruction so im here outside of what im comfortable with and trying not to go on a rampage to blow up my whole world to avoid feeling so hurt and alone

i actually went to therapy for a year and cant say anyone has nailed down a diagnosis but if you pick one ive probably been told i "might" have it "possibly" "i think" ptsd mania anxiety depression bipolar schizoaffective ocd and psychosis i deeply hate and avoid thinking to much about whether or not im manic or a schizo bipolar psycho but i have a real fear you will find me drooling on the side of the road somewhere talking to my "friends" completely checked out all of my doctors assured me this is highly unlikely but its still a gnawing concern how much can one person take before their mind breaks if im not close im at least in the same zip code and the fact that i hallucinate and have manic episodes causes a lot of concern

as hopeless as it seems im still fighting i havent given up my anxiety is suffocating the life out of me i cant breathe my chest hurts ive been isolated for three days i cant get out if this makes sense to anyone please throw me a lifeline here i dont need to unload my dumptruck of problems on anyone i need kindness and to not feel so alone

thank uou for listening

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