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Hi Melbi, Tiny Tears , Stilman....its ja again, i really thought my days of depression were over, cant remember last time i posted, i have had the best 2 months recently up until last weekend when things went downhill.
After finally coming to terms with the break up of my marriage and the ex meeting someone new I seemed to have sorted my head out, i finally got a buyer for my house, which was extremely lucky, then about 2 months ago i met the most amazing person, it was pure bliss, i felt alive again, happy, planning things, i hadnt felt this good for so many years, i was waking up in the morning looking forward to a new day, sounds cliched but i felt great, everyone who knows me noticed this as well, i was laughing, active, she had really gave me hope that my future was going to be good. Then this weekend she drops the bombshell that she is not realy over her divorce and that was that. I know what people may think, u only knew her briefly and yes i did, but since then i cant stop crying, im struggling to swallow my food and eat, i feel like getting drunk all the time, i was so looking forward to firework night, xmas, everything, now its all gone, even having my kids cant lift me, my daughter has noticed im not right.
My poor mum is worried i will descend into what i was like last year, this time though i feel worse if i can be, i just feel so hurt, it took me so long to be happy and all i can see is more darkness, that i will never be happy again, ive totally lost all interest in life. Im 32, not 16, i keep saying to myself, but this jolt has me questioning my whole life situation, like my world is crumbling again, i keep thinking why me? when i drove home tonight through where i live i felt like bursting into tears but held it together as i had my kids, right now i feel like getting hold of a bottle of vodka and just getting smashed, i wont as i have my kids and they need their dad, my darling daughter even said to me recently how nice it was to see daddy really happy again, i try to always be happy around my kids, but when i met her i was bouncing. At the moment i cannot see this gloom lifting, im not going back on the tablets, been off them now for months, did take 1 back in august when i had a low day, made me feel so ill , then i met her. I know people may think im full of self pity and they are right, im sorry to anyone who has genuine issues in their lives, mine is just my heart and head but i felt i just needed to post ad blurt out my feelings. I cant get anything positive in my head, even now i just wanna cry, is a 2nd bout of depression any worse or is each case different? thanks to anyone who reads this.......ja
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