2nd bout of depression

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Hi Melbi, Tiny Tears , Stilman....its ja again, i really thought my days of depression were over, cant remember last time i posted, i have had the best 2 months recently up until last weekend when things went downhill.

After finally coming to terms with the break up of my marriage and the ex meeting someone new I seemed to have sorted my head out, i finally got a buyer for my house, which was extremely lucky, then about 2 months ago i met the most amazing person, it was pure bliss, i felt alive again, happy, planning things, i hadnt felt this good for so many years, i was waking up in the morning looking forward to a new day, sounds cliched but i felt great, everyone who knows me noticed this as well, i was laughing, active, she had really gave me hope that my future was going to be good. Then this weekend she drops the bombshell that she is not realy over her divorce and that was that. I know what people may think, u only knew her briefly and yes i did, but since then i cant stop crying, im struggling to swallow my food and eat, i feel like getting drunk all the time, i was so looking forward to firework night, xmas, everything, now its all gone, even having my kids cant lift me, my daughter has noticed im not right.

My poor mum is worried i will descend into what i was like last year, this time though i feel worse if i can be, i just feel so hurt, it took me so long to be happy and all i can see is more darkness, that i will never be happy again, ive totally lost all interest in life. Im 32, not 16, i keep saying to myself, but this jolt has me questioning my whole life situation, like my world is crumbling again, i keep thinking why me? when i drove home tonight through where i live i felt like bursting into tears but held it together as i had my kids, right now i feel like getting hold of a bottle of vodka and just getting smashed, i wont as i have my kids and they need their dad, my darling daughter even said to me recently how nice it was to see daddy really happy again, i try to always be happy around my kids, but when i met her i was bouncing. At the moment i cannot see this gloom lifting, im not going back on the tablets, been off them now for months, did take 1 back in august when i had a low day, made me feel so ill , then i met her. I know people may think im full of self pity and they are right, im sorry to anyone who has genuine issues in their lives, mine is just my heart and head but i felt i just needed to post ad blurt out my feelings. I cant get anything positive in my head, even now i just wanna cry, is a 2nd bout of depression any worse or is each case different? thanks to anyone who reads this.......ja

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  • Posted

    Hi Ja

    What the ***************** you doing posting here tut!

    Only joking. Join the club mate. I have started my spiral down the slippery slope again only this time I have no intentions of even attempting the long hard climb back up.

    I have realised that happiness is never going to be mine. Well not for the price it's asking.

    I'm feeling quite comfortable back in my little haven of depression, I know here who I am and expect nothing but sorrow, pain and failure.

    I have made the huge choice to stay here...stay in the pit, stay down and just accept this is my life. :shock:

    I have made it to half a tablet every 4 days now and have no intentions of going back to a higher daily dose just to feel numb, then have to face the ordeal of weaning off them again.

    Like you, I thought my life was back on track - how stupid of me to even think I could ever be worthy of an okay life.

    I think I'll stick to the roller coasters that we go on at fun fairs - and leave the rollercoasters of life alone. I'm down and staying down - through choice.

    I hope you soon start to feel better.

    Melbi xxx

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  • Posted

    Jeez JA, Melbi. I thought, I hoped, that you guys were on the mend and had escaped the demons. :cry:

    Thought it was just me left living a day to day gloomfest. :oops:

    Ja You've been kicked in the guts and it hurts. Thought you'd had a glimpse of happiness and had it snatched away. There's nothing anyone on a message board can say to take the hurt away. But please try to believe that the bad times will pass and your spirits can and will lift again. Your childen need you, love you, want you to be happy. Try to stay strong for them. You're strong enough not to want to take the pills again so build on that if you can.

    Melbi, It's a long time since I heard you so low on here. Like it or not, you have inspired many of us - so please, don't give up. Try and find your strength and spirit again. How's the arm by the way?

    Guys, I truly believe we're good people and deserve a shot at happiness. I never in a million years thought this would happen to me but it's been nine months now and god knows where my life's going.

    But I have to hold on to the the hope that, (as my wife tells me constantly), one day i'll get out of the dark and walk in the sun again.

    Take care guys. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Best regards.

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  • Posted

    Hi Stiltman

    Well gosh what a year so far and what brilliant friends I have made through this demon so it can't all be bad. :shock:

    I went for my annual asthma check up on Monday and was told my blood pressure is way too high and heading for a heart attack. Oh goody LOL like ermmm a great way to go if you are going to go! :roll:

    I eat a healthy well balanced diet low salt etc.

    Stress was mentioned - oh yes I have my fair share of that! LOL Can I change that? Nope!!!! Well okay, yes I could, I could insist my daughter leaves home with her baby and then I get to rest but wouldn't that raise my stress levels even further?????

    My head throbs from waking to going to sleep :cry:

    Elbow???? Oh lol you will love this one................

    We went to South Lake Wild Animal Park yesterday. I slipped in some mud felt myself falling and ended up rolling over and over as my left arm was of no bloody use to me to stop me! Result? A very bruised and swollen left knee and bruised and grazed right shoulder. :roll: :oops: :roll: :oops: :roll:

    Elbow took a knocking and is quite swollen (again) but all seems to be okay as far as that goes.

    So now I have this high blood pressure they decided to check out and as I eat a healthy balanced diet (all veg cooked in a steamer) no salt or low salt diet. What can I say?

    I have also developed this most horrid pain in all my joints and shooting pains in my feet.

    If I sleep I want more sleep, if I don't sleep I am in need of sleep.

    Aches, pains, tiredness, headaches and dizziness is my life right now.

    Argghhhhh! And I can't even blame citalopram. :oops: :oops: :oops:

    I have spent just over 4 weeks weaning off paroxetine and still taking half every 4 days. I was doing brill until some family matter tipped the world upside down.

    I have to learn to cope without the pills and if that means dealing with depression minus a drug then so be it!

    I am not prepared to have my life ruled by drugs just because I can't cope with the stress my family choose to dish out to me.

    From now on it's me against them! :roll: :oops: :cry: :cry: :cry:

    Have you ever felt your love, support, care and attention has been thrown right back at you to the point you think 'why the hell am I bothering?'

    Time to stand tall, hard and take the bull by it's horns. If that brings on a heart attack then so be it! If it doesn't then cool!

    I have to stop defending my 19 year old daughter, stop mothering her and start letting her see what life is really about and if she can't hack it then I have not got to blame myself for her weakness or illness.

    I didn't get her pregnant so why is me that has to suffer?

    Some days I wish she had never emailed me and told me, some days I wish I had stood back and told her she had made her bed so she lies in it some days I look at my grand daughter and pity her so much I have to be alone to cry.

    Some days I wish I had never met my grand daughter.

    Sorry rambling and feeling very stressed, hurt and alone right now.

    Melbi xxx

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  • Posted

    Hi ja , melbi , Stiltman - hmmm- me (again!)

    Okay, ja, youve had a kick in the guts- but what you have to pull from it, is that you have another memory of another woman who you got attached to. ( if I were you, see it that , yes okay you still feel the doom. The doom is part of our makeup and its easy for us to slip right back. though at the same time, I think - and I dont want this too sound insensitive because you could take it the wrong way I dont mean it offnesive, but my point to you , is that youve moved on. You have accepted you and your relationship is over and you are still trying to respect the female form . Its like starting form scratch,,,,as if you were 16.try not to dwell on her, think about your children . Its the only way to move on)

    You will be thinking, right Tiny Tears I hate you now- but I mean it in the nicest possible way. Youve moved on. I dont think you will be as down for as long as you were before. You had children with your ex, and now see your children but have moved on. Thats good news in away , though sad that it did not workout as youd anticipated.

    Ja - I get down without even considering relationships...I cant. But chin up and be proud of yourself, youve been through a heck of a lot and dont beat yourself up. What I see form your previous message is that your not taking you time out. Your not taking the time out to respect and love you for who you are. ( What a hypocrit I am being, but its the truth) though believe me, I think it comes from the childhood stuuf, and if you didnt feel loved then, then how on earth is it possible to feel loved by an outsider? Dont know If imake anysens, but Ja as a 32 year old myself, I feel 16 and know you are a decent man, So stop torturing yourself! You will meet someone , once you take You time, you just have to believe it. ( I say thinking, yeah right like I could meet anyone right now! I am a complete contradiction in terms) but I mean what I say to you,You should give yourself th ecredit for getting on so far. You are actually doing okay, you had the courage to meet someone new!! thats good! Sorry I know I am being a complete hypocrti- I hate that too. I also knwo I am in a big mess, bigger than anyone would care to know. But I ll fight it; I have to as not unlike you , I need to give my children the best.

    Melbi- sorry to hear your in the pitts again- I hope you can rest up . Maybe you tried too hard to fight it the last time and spent oo much time trying to help other out, instead of taking a breather and giving yourself some time. Mind you, sometimes theres nothing worse than being on your own. hope you are okay, hugs

    Stiltman hi- thougt id just say hi, dont know what else to write.

    guys even though you are internet friends and I can be completely missunderstood on here, I hope you all okay.

    I am still a mess. But I am fighting it the best way I can, katy

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  • Posted

    Maybe I felt okay so didnt give as much of my time to others!

    I and that is [size=18:da75ef0ba3][color=red:da75ef0ba3][b:da75ef0ba3]I[/b:da75ef0ba3][/color:da75ef0ba3][/size:da75ef0ba3] haven't given too much of me here there or anywhere and I find that comment insulting. I have taken on board that through my own illness and experiences of depression I may have helped some people and if that is the case then every minute that I suffer or have suffered makes it all worthwhile.

    Nor did I ever fight it too hard. I wasn't aware we could fight it too hard? Please do enlighten me on that.

    I would also like to add that my last recovery was mainly due to listening/reading what others had to say on here of their own experiences of this damned demon and took on board what they had gone through and experienced, which through the kindness of their hearts they took the time to type it here. For that I am grateful.

    I know why I have slipped, my post above gives the reasons why I have slipped, i am not going to repeat it all and make this thread my life story or my thread.

    My heart goes to Ja and my reply was to him in the hope that he could see that he isn't alone in finding that the demon has returned.

    Apologies to anyone who finds this post offensive but I refuse to be dictated to by someone who finds it upon themself to offer advice when it has been more than obvious over the last 12 months that they cannot follow their own advise.

    Melbi xxx

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  • Posted

    Okay, so Melbi......I refuse to apologise I am fed up kissing peoples feet because they missunderstand me.

    [b:7092027df7]Apologies to ja for this, and people on puke I expect to get banned as miss high almighty will probably go ahead and do it regardless of what my comments are-frankly I have so much to deal with here at home right now thta I just do not care. Sorry Ja, I completely apologise to you for this lettle quarrel.

    [/b:7092027df7] :oops: :oops: :oops: (Thats aas I am angry!) I may well be a william Morris wallpaer......or watch paint dry and sniff in the toxines but I am no adolf and clearly do not pretend to be. My point is that as a human.All humans make mistakes,,,,I am not saying that you have made a mistake ..(Fasr from it) I think YOU have helped others,out including me..I take your argument and address it.However,..when your throwing up as you feel too scared to go outside ......dont come to me about it....I shalll have no sympathy for you......when your periods stop because you are so stressed, when you can barely get out of bed am......and you simply have to carry on....then come back and be accused of being a complete alocholic ( when i read somewhere that you too also drink) dont call me a Hitler and finally if you re read that post, I was merely trying to advise you to rest not to dish out your contradictions. At least I admit I am \"a walking contradictions and a complete hypocrit\"- What do you think Ive been trying to fight for the last 12 months?

    For me its \"Flight or fight\", I have my boxing gloves on right now, and sitting looking at that housing application form.

    I dont think , unless you have been in a totally abusive relationship, like I am now seeing, You could have little understanding of whats going on - not that id care to report it. I insulted you-well you have me , many a time with abrassive harsh words when I have been barely been able to conduct daily chores. I also have another guess to who you might be....an another point while you may find my coment insulting, I meant it in a caring way ,and with you interests at heart, not to go out my way and insult you . I meant it so that you would get the rest that you need so you could be the deserving Melbi you intend to be.

    I was not going to respond to that negative message about me( When you assume you know me ( etc) oh and youll probably be expecting this response ( as you know me so well-tough!) Might as well mkake it worth my time getting banned!

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  • Posted

    TT - as expected you have been sent an email.

    Lin

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  • Posted

    I cant say enough thanks to you guys and girls, im quite humbled by your words, Melbi, i really am sorry to hear u r feeling like u do, pls dont accept this curse, i dont, i had a taste of happiness again and it felt better than ever before, believe me, no drug or drink could make me feel that good. Everyone of u r so kind in your words, makes me feel quite choked up, im at work now , have stacks to do but finding hard to motivate myself. I cant seem to get things out of my mind, i woke up at 6 this morning and my mind was racing again. Why cant i deal with issues and problems without sinking into this depression crap. Other people do, for crying out loud, i knew this girl for 2 months, yes she got to me in a big way, but i feel rejected and, it was like the whole 2 months wee a lie, and that was the last thing i needed after my ex wife lied to me for all those years, how will i trust people again? last night i couldnt stop crying, im scared that i will have months of this doom now, im also scared that in the future if anything else goes wrong i fall into this depressive state. My mum has been wonderful, listening to me, being there for me, its hard for her seeing her son so happy one minute, and in tatters the next, it doesnt feel like it did when i divorced, then i had some awful thoughts about life, i so want to be happy again, i cant strees how good it felt these last 2 months, it was so exciting, i was like a new person so it has shown to me that happiness is out there, yet it never seems to last. My problem is small compared to some of you guys, but to me my whole world seems to be crumbling, im 32 for crying out loud. I dont see my kids now for 7 days, i had been fine with the situation seeing kids on the rota that is now set, but today i dropped them off and i felt like crying my eyes out, like i have lost them all over again. I feel worthless, like who would want me? i feel ugly as a person, my confidence has totally been shot, i know it wasnt her intention but how could i be treated like this? if any of u knew me i wouldnt squash a fly, im always there for people, do anyone a favour yet i still get sh*t on by people, why dont the good guys ever win?? it has just knocked my belief in people, does anyone in this world tell the truth anymore, i would never lie and build up poeples emotions and then knock them down, its cruel, sorry to rant and be self indulgent, to all, thank u for your replies, i so much appreciated them, take care ja
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  • Posted

    Morning Ja.

    I know exactly where you are coming from. I too have felt so good in myself for the last few months and enjoyed every minute of the happy feelings, even when things got tough, I appeared to be able to shrug them off and think 'oh! Such a life'. Then wham bam! Here I am again finding myself in that dark tunnel that seems to have no light at the end of it.

    I know why I am like this again and in a way that gives me the reassurance that there has to be some way out, but finding that way out is extremely difficult. :oops: Probably near impossible. No. What I have to do now is find a way to cope with all the mayhem that is going on in my life, things I can't change - or could - but then that would mean turning my back on my daughter and telling her to go it alone. How can I do that? I'm 45 years of age and yet I still lean on my own mum so many times. So how can I tell my 19 year old daughter to go it alone - she's a big girl now - yea? Well so am I and yet I still need all the support my own mum gives to me.

    Life is such a tangled web - I suppose Ja, we have to thank our lucky stars that we know what has caused our depression - there are so many people out there that are struck down with this evil demon and cannot find a reason for it. How lucky we are to know what caused ours.

    Will we always suffer at the foot of depression everytime something in our life goes wrong? I so hope not. I hope we can find ways of dealing with such upheavals and find the ability to shrug things off enough for us to cope.

    Have you noticed how it is the people who are very sensitive that appear to be affected by depression? We are our own worst enemies :shock: Why is it that we can't say 'tough to the world and the people around us', why do we always take on the world and it's mother and make it's every problem our own?

    Ja, I hit a very low time last night, I woke feeling much the same and reached for the anti depressants with despair :cry: I have done so well these last few weeks and managed to wean down to half a tablet (5mg) every 3/4 days without feelings too dizzy or sick. I really just don't want to have to go back on the full dose again just because life isn't going my way right now.

    While going easy on myself this morning and soaking in a hot bath (not good for high blood pressure I know) I have decided that I will continue weaning myself off the AD's. I will try and work on what I learnt during CBT months ago and deal with the upheaval that is present in my life at the moment.

    I will try and turn every negative into a positive and for the ones I can't, I will try and discover a way of dealing with them. I hope you too can do the same.

    Stay strong my friend. We are all here for you.

    Melbi x

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  • Posted

    Melbi,

    I cant believe reading your lost post how similar our thought processes are so similar, when i was happy, any problems that occurred i could deal with, now im struggling to open my mail. Likewise, i know exactly why im feeling like this, ok this may seem selfish to others but there is nothing i can do to fix it. The line when you say about being sensitive and always suffering depression when things go wrong, that is me......

    I am so sensitive to what people do and say, especially when a \"partner\" does or says it, i am naive and believe what people say, i cannot harden up and learn from experiences, my ex wife lied to me for years, yet it was her who ended it, i should have but couldnt bring myself to. The only good thing to come out of meeting this girl was that it has shown to me that i am 100% clear of feeeling for my ex, however, the mental scars of my marriage are still bearing down on me. I just dont know what to do with myself, i have to work, but i dont even feel like walking doing anything, i just want to wallow in self pity and in the evenings drink, but in the mornings i feel awful. I have just eaten and it was a struggle, i feel quite sick now, in a way i wish i had never met this girl, ok i had a wonderful time but before meeting her i never felt like this. I dont mind telling u, im not ashamed, i met her on a dating site, i dont get out like i want to due to money, so this seemed a good idea?? The only cure i have is time, these demons will pass, but why do people treat me so badly when i treat them so well?

    Melbi, i hope u win the battle with the AD's, i refuse to go on them again, honestly i dont know if they helped me but i wont go back to doctors ever. My mum will talk and support me and posting on here helps so much, i just dont what to do to make the pain go away? i feel such a fool feeling like this as i only knew the girl for 2 months, but the feelings are so strong, ive bought myself another bottle of cider for tonight, stuff it, i know i shouldnt but if offers temporary relief, i really hate me at the moment, why do people treat me so bad??

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  • Posted

    Hi Ja

    Is it possible that we are treated so badly by some others because we allow them to?

    Well done for eating, I too have just managed a sandwich and now waiting for x to come for me. I really don't want to go out but I have no choice.

    In a funny sort of way, this depression (to me anyway) is like my mind is having a hissy fit because it didn't get it's own way! :roll: Like a small child having a temper tantrum! :idea:

    I'm trying to tell my mind that it doesn't matter and soon things will be okay again - but will it listen! Stubborn mind that i have.

    Okay, I have defintely lost the plot now lol.

    I suppose the beauty of life is that once a day is done, we don't have to go back to it again, although, we do quite often revisit that day in our minds.

    Perhaps if we can stop doing that and use all that energy on looking forward to tomorrow we might feel better?

    Melbi x

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  • Posted

    Melbi,

    You are so right, we get treated so badly because we allow them to and I am open to being hurt , i think im very vunerable to being hurt, its like when i was happy i wanted that feeling to last so so much, yet i always had the feeling it wouldnt last and my gut feeling was right. I wont give in, just made an appointment at the doctors for monday, dont know why because i wont go back on tablets, just see is she has any advice ?

    Thinking about the brain having a hissy fit, you could be right u know? I dont anyone who suffers like i do so its hard to get through to them and get them to understand my thinking.

    Its good you are going out, i feel better when im out and about, my mum is going for a long walk tomorrow afternoon with me, good to walk and talk, helps me endlessly , any suggestions on what would ease the pain ?? i dont think cider and vodka are doing my head or liver that much good do u??

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  • Posted

    LOL well the trip out was literally there and back to buy my mum's birthday present. I wasn't very talkative and thankfully my x knows when to leave me to be quiet. :roll:

    I agree with you about the alcohol Ja but sometimes we need that tipple to help us through. I think, as long as you realise that come tomorrow morning you may well feel slightly worse than you do now due to alcohol being a depressive then you shouldn't slip too far back.

    I don't know, I wish there was something out there that could help relieve our sadness that didn't cause more harm like alcohol does.

    I have often thought about taking a sleeping pill during the day but have always refrained from doing so, mainly because my doctor keeps a very close count on the number of tablets he prescribes but also because I don't want to go down the road of being addicted to sleeping pills as a calming method during the day. Now that would be just plain crazy on my part.

    Well, I have been shopping - took all of an hour :oops:

    Now I'm going to have a lie down before the trick/treaters start knocking at the door.

    I have organised some mask making, chocolate apples to make, apple bobbing, pumkpin carving and a few games like pin the black cats tail, pin the witches hat and musical ghosts chairs :shock: :shock: :shock:

    X and a couple of other guys (neighbours) have suggested a witch/ghost hunt for the older children out in the woods at 8pm - oh not me lol, too scary!

    All donations will go to Children in Need. :D

    Happy Halloween

    Melbi :ghost:

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  • Posted

    Hi Melbi, JA,

    Hope you are both feeling a bit better today.

    Melbi, you really have been in the wars this year, quite aside from trying to deal with depression. I hope the doctor is able to help aleviate some of your physical symptoms as these must, in themselves be a real worry.

    You mentioned that you have developed joint pain and shooting pains in your feet. I'd just say that when I was coming off Mirtazapine I would wake up with my feet feeling like they had been squeezed tight and I could hardly put weight on them for about half an hour. I mentioned this to the doctors but they looked pretty blank, said this wasn't a known side effect but it's stopped since I came off the Mirt so make of that what you will. I believe that pain was caused by the drug. Maybe other AD's can do the same?

    Like I said last night. I think we're good people. We care and I don't think you can ever change that if it's part of your essential character. I know I tried to develop coping strategies over the years, used humour as an armour not to let people see how much I hurt inside sometimes. I realise this now, looking back over the last nine months at my life; but at the time - well big boys don't cry do they? Total denial. Stress, depression? They're the other guys problem.

    How wrong I was. :shock:

    And then we turn our hurt and anger and upset in on ourselves. Tell ourselves we don't deserve to be happy and pick ourselves apart with criticism. At least that is true for me.

    JA, the French have a saying - \"J'aime les fortes sensations\" I love strong feelings - and when those feelings are good you feel magnificent but when it all goes wrong then the wretchedness closes around you like a fog. But you know now that you [u:2f5f615fcf]can[/u:2f5f615fcf] be happy without your ex wife. I'm guessing (and if I'm out of order then I sincerely apologise) but perhaps your honesty, your vulnerability is part of your charm and what draws people to you? Try not to be bitter and be open to new experience. So easy to say yet so hard when it's so scary to think about rejection and the fallout from it, I know.

    Believe me, I know only too well the short term euphoria that a few drinks can bring to try and aleviate those feelings and also the come down from it. Sometimes the booze feels like a friend's comforting hand on your shoulder and sometimes it turns on you. As long as we accept that, then we can't be surprised or disappointed.

    Apologies for rambling on.

    Take care guys. As before I have to believe that one day we will find the light.

    Best regards.

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  • Posted

    Hi ja and melbi,

    I can't believe you are choosing depression over your happiness why is it so bad to take SSRI's? I don't care if I have to take a tablet a day for the rest of my life as long as it helps me to be happy and keeps that black cloud away!

    I am new to citalopram after 10 years taking paroxotine and stummbled on this forum after looking for info. I have read all the encouragement and support you have given others.

    sharon dee xx

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