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Hi Melbi, Tiny Tears , Stilman....its ja again, i really thought my days of depression were over, cant remember last time i posted, i have had the best 2 months recently up until last weekend when things went downhill.
After finally coming to terms with the break up of my marriage and the ex meeting someone new I seemed to have sorted my head out, i finally got a buyer for my house, which was extremely lucky, then about 2 months ago i met the most amazing person, it was pure bliss, i felt alive again, happy, planning things, i hadnt felt this good for so many years, i was waking up in the morning looking forward to a new day, sounds cliched but i felt great, everyone who knows me noticed this as well, i was laughing, active, she had really gave me hope that my future was going to be good. Then this weekend she drops the bombshell that she is not realy over her divorce and that was that. I know what people may think, u only knew her briefly and yes i did, but since then i cant stop crying, im struggling to swallow my food and eat, i feel like getting drunk all the time, i was so looking forward to firework night, xmas, everything, now its all gone, even having my kids cant lift me, my daughter has noticed im not right.
My poor mum is worried i will descend into what i was like last year, this time though i feel worse if i can be, i just feel so hurt, it took me so long to be happy and all i can see is more darkness, that i will never be happy again, ive totally lost all interest in life. Im 32, not 16, i keep saying to myself, but this jolt has me questioning my whole life situation, like my world is crumbling again, i keep thinking why me? when i drove home tonight through where i live i felt like bursting into tears but held it together as i had my kids, right now i feel like getting hold of a bottle of vodka and just getting smashed, i wont as i have my kids and they need their dad, my darling daughter even said to me recently how nice it was to see daddy really happy again, i try to always be happy around my kids, but when i met her i was bouncing. At the moment i cannot see this gloom lifting, im not going back on the tablets, been off them now for months, did take 1 back in august when i had a low day, made me feel so ill , then i met her. I know people may think im full of self pity and they are right, im sorry to anyone who has genuine issues in their lives, mine is just my heart and head but i felt i just needed to post ad blurt out my feelings. I cant get anything positive in my head, even now i just wanna cry, is a 2nd bout of depression any worse or is each case different? thanks to anyone who reads this.......ja
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Guest
Posted
I was on citalopram for about 7 months i think 20 mg a day, then i just went cold turkey, back in august i was down and my doc prescribed them, i took 1 tab, felt awful and flushed them away. I know what causes my depression and no tablets will change that, i dont just naturally feel low, a huge life changing event sent me toppling but i dont need tablets to cure it, up until a week ago, i was tablet free and and on top of the world, if people were honest with me i would have been spared a whole lot of pain, thanks for your post though, your intentions were good, i just dont feel i need them, my emotions are raw at the mo, they will settle again and this boy will be happy again, well i hope.
Stilman, what a lovely saying that is, i think what u say is very true. I am too honest and wear my feelings on my sleeve, im not afraid to tell people my feelings, especially a woman, i think because im so open i dont quite get others who arent. The one positive i can take is that i am totally over the ex wife, i always had a nagging doubt but now i dont have any, the feeling i had for this new woman were intense. I went shopping today in my local town, it was where i used to go with this new woman, i felt awful, i saw parents with their kids, couples, when i got in i looked at pic of my kids and broke down, everything in my life seemed sh*t, i felt so lonely, thought about being alone, not having my kids, i felt better for a cry though......
Time is only thing that will help me, all the shops were full of xmas, terrible thing to say but roll on jan 2nd. I think the worst thing is that i have lost total faith in people and the truth, its sad but true.
Im off out for a drink with my mates, Stilman, i dont have a great relationship with booze, but i do have control. The strange this is that when i met that woman, i dramtically cut down my drinking, even weekends, so i know i can do it. Just that it has been helping me sleep lately, im struggling eating though again which i dont like.
Melbi, i will post tomo my friend.
Love to all ja x
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Posted
I cant believe how low i am feeling today, last night me and my mates certainly drowned my sorrows, i got terribly drunk, cider and brandy, fekt like sh*t this morning. I know its the booze that is making me feeling like this today, i am so anxious today, cant sit still, cant swallow food, jumpy and so terribly down, just feel like crying again. I went fora long walk this afternoon, normally i feel better but i felt worse for it, i just dont know what to do to lift my spirits, feel like im banging my head on a brick wall.
I have just spoken to the woman of the last 2 months, nothing has changed but i was physically shaking when i got off the phone, i have an appointment at the doctors in the morning, i am so reluctant to go back on the tablets, really am, thing is i am questioning if im depressed or just upset over this \"fling\" is it just a bad reaction to an event ??
Guest
Posted
Sharon, thanks for your input and I hope things soon get better for you. Like Ja, I have a lot of turmoil in my life at the moment and feel that this is the cause of my feelings and inability to be happy. I have taken the course of AD's but know. like Ja, I have to find a way of dealing with the downs without the need of drugs everytime my life falls apart. The majority of the population face turmoil throughout their lives on and off, but they don't grab for the AD's.
Depression is, they say, an imbalance of chemicals within the brain. That is when AD's are needed.
If I have an imbalance of chemicals then all good and well, I would contiue with the AD's.
The AD's have helped me over the worst of my depression, but I know, in myself, it is time for me to find a way of dealing with what life throws at me without the need of drugs.
My depression has been caused through some pretty crap life experiences and I no longer want to hide behind the numbness of the tablets, it is still going to be there in years to come unless I start to face it head on and learn how to cope with it. This I cannot do while the feelings are masked by AD's.
Stiltman, as always, I find great comfort in your words, seems quite selfish really when I know your words are due to your own suffering. I pray that one day you too will be free off the demons and live a happy life once again. Stay strong my dear friend.
Ja, yes the alcohol will have heightened your depressive feelings no end - but at the same time I hope while under the influence you have found some answers and solutions to your feelings. I know that will make sense to you and to anyone else who has used alcohol as an escape from reality.
Ja, I would be more than willing to give you my phone number should you ever feel you need to talk. Let me know and I will PM it to you. Well that goes for you too Stiltman.
Well, I have just had a week off work (holiday) and back tomorrow. Going back full of a damn cold :shock: :shock: :shock: Damn typical lol.
I washed the pots after Sunday lunch today and felt a sense of relief knowing that when I wake in the morning I won't be faced with the mundane jobs of housework, kids (okay 19 & 17 yr old daughters arguing) Instead I can jump in the shower, get dressed and go to work. How sad is that? How bad have things come when you prefer to go to work than be home with your family??? :oops: :oops: :oops:
Things have settled a little with eldest daughter and she even came and gave me a hug Friday morning and apologised; I apologised too, as I suspect my behaviour is somewhat irrational too at the moment as I wean off the AD's.
Sharon, I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that one day, you too will be able to stand tall, be strong and say now is the time to face my demons alone - without the AD's. That is not to say anyone taking them is weak, on the contrary. I just think that at some point in our lives we realise that we cannot allow our minds/brains to have hissy fits just because they didn't get their own way. Sometimes the brain/mind has to to face facts and understand that as humans we have to feel all the feelings and emotions there are to fully develop and understand the world and it's sister.
Ja & Stiltman, stay strong my dearest friends, together we will fight & win this demon.
Love 'n' hugs
Melbi xxx
Guest
Posted
Just really blurting out, well i went to the doctors yesterday, refused the ADs, gave me some beta blockers, she wants me to go talk to someone about how i deal with my issues so i can treat these downward spirals and deal with them.
I have to admit that i dont feel like crying anymore, that gut wrenching feelings have subsided but i feel so god damn flat. Im looking at my whole life and i hate it. Im not even looking forward to getting my own flat next year, as long as house goes through. The last 2 months just papered over the cracks really of my life, yeah i had a wonderful 2 months but it was so reliant on that one part of it.
When i divorced last year i lost basically my way of life, ok i have my kids 10 days a month which i love, as long as house goes through then i have a distinct possibilty that this time next year i will have my own place again, so compared to last year it has improved, plus I am totally over the ex wife. What i havent done is to fill the time and create a life when i havent got my kids, i feel so lonely. I know i sound so shallow but i hate being on my own, the last 2 months made me feel alive again, i had the excitement, feeling wanted etc, now i feel so alone and that is having such a negative aspect on the rest of my life, i hate my home life, job etc, im not that interested in anything, i have looked into joining a gym, taking up boxing but its the usual, these things cost money so im stuffed there, i feel so trapped, for 2 months i was free, happy and could deal with anything. Atleast the tears haev stopped, but been replaced by a numbness, so many people have told me that i need to be happy with myself, i just dont get it, then i wouldnt feel so lonely and unhappy and have the need to be in a relationship.
One postive, instead of 4 pints i only drank 3 last night, starting point i guess??
Stiltman
Posted
Better than me I hope!
I've done pretty well this year controlling the booze what with all the AD's but that went out the window at the weekend! :oops:
Don't know why. No particular reason. I just really wanted to be out of it, to escape for a while the hurt and the shame and the complete futility of the person I have become this year but it didn't happen. Drank a scary amount but just felt even more crap and tired.
I'm not even a successful drunk now.
Anyway.
JA I don't think in anyway that it's shallow to want to share your life with somone when you have some much love and affection in you to give. I think though that your friends may be right and that you need to be happy with yourself to let that flourish. If your doctor has offered some form of counselling, why not give it a try? What have you got to lose? you may find it's the key you need.
Just don't let rejection and hurt drive the frost into your soul and become cynical about the love you have to give.
You mentioned you'd thought about joining a Gym but the cost is prohibitive. I don't know where in the country you are or if your Primary Care trust operates the same system as mine but have you asked your GP if they operate an exercise referral programme? My GP suggested it to me as I put on a stone and a half while on Mirtazapine.
Initially for ten weeks at a heavily discounted rate but i've also been able to obtain a further concession. I confess, I don't find it especially enjoyable but I have, over four months, been able to get rid of the weight I put on. If you want any further info, just PM me.
Melbi, hope your cold is on the mend. Nothing like going back to work after a break feeling crap is there! The world and his wife seem to have a cold/sore throat/cough here at the moment.
I do admire your courage in looking to tackle your problems without the AD's. I am coming to the conclusion that if the Venlafaxine doesn't start to work soon I will have to follow the same path. Particularly as the side efects of this are way worse than anything I had with Citalopram or Mirtazapine.
Finally, I'm glad that my words on our have been of some comfort to you. When I look at what I have become, I do wonder what right I have to offer advice or opinion to anyone or why anyone would listen. So thank you. That truly means a lot to me.
Take care my friends. One day soon, the good guys must start winning!!
Best regards
Guest
Posted
Well despite being full of a cold and yes Siltman, having a huge cold sore on top lip arghhhh! My mood has actually lifted again. I seriously do think I am just not cut out to spend time at home and need to be kept busy all the time to enable me to function on a reasonably 'happy' mode.
Ja, when I first left my hubby I felt the strong need to find a 'new' man in my life. :oops: However, 17 months later I no longer feel this and I am actually starting to enjoy my new found freedom. Okay, I'll be honest, I'm loving it lol . Whether one day or not I will want a new man in my life - time can only know the answer. I know I have stopped thinking about it now and even stopped looking at men wondering if they could be my next partner. :shock: :shock: :shock:
I have also noticed how I have stopped caring what other people think of my appearance - this doesn't mean I have let myself go or anything, but for as long back as I can remember I have always slapped on the make up made sure every piece of hair is in place etc before even contemplating leaving the house. Now? pfft! LOL, I jump in the shower, dress, a quick dry of my hair to make it look tidy and off I go to work (after dressing of course). I haven't worn make up for months now - in fact I have even been out for meals etc and not bothered with the make up. To you guys this may seem pretty trivial lol but to me it has given me a new lease of life. I can now walk out and not care if my make up looks okay etc. I think I have learnt to realise that if people can't see beyond my perfectly made up eyes, lips etc and see the real me then that is their problem and not mine. I have also learnt that I don't need to look 'pretty' to do my job :shock: :shock: :shock:
Sorry for prattling on, what I'm trying to say is I think for the first time in life I am facing the world as me! I'm not hiding behind anything. :D :D :D
Okay, so I do quite often look in the mirror and think yuk! What a mess I look - complexion quite blotchy some days etc. but I'm still me inside.
Stiltman, I hope you are not beating yourself up about the binge drink you exposed yourself to. Fingers crossed it has helped you further along the road to recovery. LOL your comment - 'not even a successful drunk now' made me laugh - I know exactly what you mean by that phrase and I too feel the same :roll:
Ja, you are not shallow for wanting someone special in your life to share your love with but I do agree that before you look for that someone special you need to learn to love yourself first. Mainly because until you do, no relationship is really going to work successfully - because you will still have your 'hang-ups' and also because Ja, you deserve to be loved my someone extremely loving, kind, thoughtful and very special and that person is yourself!
Stay strong guys and here's hoping you have a better day today.
Love 'n' hugs
Melbi xxxx
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Posted
sorry for the delay in responding, having one of those cannot be asked, dont want to do anything times, just wallow.
Stilman, I know how easy it can be to drink a scary amount, then you feel so so down and to take the edge off you have more, its not a weakness, the only comfort i personally have is that you can control it and it doesnt become the norm.....
Melbi, i just cannot get my head around this \"loving yourself\" concept, ive read up loads on net and i still cant get to grips, Im not a stupid person, far from it, but i dont quite understand this concept. All i feel is lonely, its not like a want a new wife, or someone 24/7, i miss the companionship, sharing life, times etc. I dont know if i have ever mentioned this, even last year, but the crux of my marriage troubles was trust and mostly over money with the ex, when i 1st left i just couldnt accept losing my kids , house etc. Now i cant wait (in a way) to have a flat, no matter how small, just to have my independance where my kids can stay with me, forget the big house, garden, flash car so i have accepted that, i was also due to the ex wife and i had to be extremely careful with money, would sacrafice things and never ease the purse strings, to a degree now i am so much more lax, if there's something i want i get it, life is too short, stuff it, so personally i have made huge strides and changes, i have also thought about my OCD with cleaning, i have learn to put so much into perspective, that hoovering, cleaning is important but not where it comes before anything..............dont know really my point, but i feel as a human, i have addressed flaws in my character, the penny has sort of dropped and i have learnt from my errors...
All that i know now is that i am very lonely, i do have great family, really good mates, who do have their own lives and now kids. Its liek when i take kids to park and then go home, i feel awfully lonely, i adore them but i want someone special, what is this loving yourself all about ???
I am going to go to docs and try and seek some counselling, its affecting my moods so bad, at work its become a standing joke my miserable face. Before i met my ex wife when i was a teenager, it never bothered me, i went out, met people, had a laugh etc, if i met someone, all the better but i wasnt down like this, compared with some peoples issue mine are so petty and i feel ashamed for talking like this, i dont know if my depressive moods are something more deep rooted, i had a great, loving childhood and been supported throughout life, why do i loathe being lonely ?? anyone have advice??
Stiltman
Posted
No need for apologies ja - all of us on here know those days when there's not even the slightest ounce of enthusiasm for anything at all.
I'm over last weekend now. I know what brought it on and why it happened. When all's said and done, I didn't upset anyone but myself, say anything hurtful to people or p*ss anyone off, so no point brooding. I'll just move on. I'm going to have a beer tonight and it will be fine.
It's good to hear the positive, upbeat Melbi back again! :D . Your comment about not fretting about what people think of your appearance kind of touched a chord.
You're comfortable with the person you are and strong enough to face the world without your old \"armour\"; to tackle things without artifice or \"maquillage\" both actually and metaphorically. I am who I am! Does that make sense??
I need to find that acceptance of, and in, myself.
ja, I think getting some counselling may be a good idea. You are obviously feeling so dreadfully empty at the moment and that is a dark and melancholy place to be. Your issues are not petty and nor should you feel ashamed for being lonely. I, too had a happy, loving childhood and have a supportive family so that is no bar to depression and lonliness.
If I can put a slightly different angle on loving yourself, I think it's more a case of being kind to yourself, accepting who you are for your qualities and, yes, acknowledging weaknesses and being comfortable in your own skin. That way, when you meet someone, you are not investing all of your emotional capital in making that relationship work from day one. Hopefully you can then relax a little and enjoy the journey of getting to know someone.
I do know some of this from personal experience and I certainly don't mean to give offence. Please don't think I'm preaching. I am notoriously bad at all of this. In fact it has taken this depression for me to start to understand that people I care about love me even as I am now when for years I thought that people were only interested in, or would only want to know, the \"Successful\" me.
Take care my friends.
Best regards.
Guest
Posted
[color=black:0d9bdb6dab][b:0d9bdb6dab]quote:[/b:0d9bdb6dab][/color:0d9bdb6dab] [i:0d9bdb6dab][color=red:0d9bdb6dab]'If I can put a slightly different angle on loving yourself, I think it's more a case of being kind to yourself, accepting who you are for your qualities and, yes, acknowledging weaknesses and being comfortable in your own skin. That way, when you meet someone, you are not investing all of your emotional capital in making that relationship work from day one. Hopefully you can then relax a little and enjoy the journey of getting to know someone.
I do know some of this from personal experience and I certainly don't mean to give offence. Please don't think I'm preaching. I am notoriously bad at all of this. In fact it has taken this depression for me to start to understand that people I care about love me even as I am now when for years I thought that people were only interested in, or would only want to know, the \"Successful\" me. '[/color:0d9bdb6dab][/i:0d9bdb6dab]
How many times do we as people receive compliments etc and find them extremely difficult to take on board and agree with the person complimenting us? How many times have we been shown love or affection and wondered why the hell a person would feel this way about us? How many times have our children shown their love for us, their need for us etc. and we as people wonder why they do that - surely we could have done more for them - given more - done better by them etc.
Yes, as humans we find it extremely difficult to see into ourselves and see what others see in us. Am I making any sense? :shock:
That is what loving ourselves is all about. Accepting that we are worthy of being liked by our families & friends, loved by our families & friends, needed by our families & friends. Looking at ourselves and accepting that people like us for who we are, not for what we can do - or made of ourselves. As a person our families and friends love us, so why can't we love ourselves and start accepting that our friends are damn good judges of character! :P :P :P
love
Melbi x
(the :rose: between you 2 thorns) :nahnah: :nahnah: :nahnah: :nahnah: :run: :run: :run: :run: :run:
Guest
Posted
I cant believe what i have just read, what u say is exactly what i feel and think about myself and others....
So many of my family and friends say what a lovely bloke I am, this woman i dated said that i was so hard on myself, doubting myself and in so many ways, i even said to her that i was intimitated by her looks and education, what a thing to say, i didnt think i was good enough for her if im honest.
Strangely enough i have been on the phone to a very good friend of mine, i need to create a life for me, i must feel like i can have a life and like with just me in it, not that i have to have someone , it will be nice , the icing on cake, thing is i have made mistakes, i should have done this 12 months ago but didnt.
It must be a thought process that depression brings out in u, how alot of us feel the same feelings , strange as we all have different reasons for being depressed and that we are all different and come from all walks off life, i makes me smile, and thats bloody rare!!
Stilman and Melbi, your words do trigger off an awful lot of thinking, im feeling alot more positive than i did earlier, scary because im going to try and be content on my own, i may meet someone special, id like to but im going to try and be accept this may and will take time, tks for all your posts, one day i hope to give u guys and girls such sound and wise advice.
ja
Guest
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Ja, lol your comment made me laugh out loud despite being tucked up in bed alone.
[color=black:496ea9e8c5][b:496ea9e8c5]Quote:[/b:496ea9e8c5][/color:496ea9e8c5] [i:496ea9e8c5][color=red:496ea9e8c5]'Bloody Hell Melbi and Stilman,
I cant believe what i have just read, what u say is exactly what i feel and think about myself and others....'[/color:496ea9e8c5][/i:496ea9e8c5]
It is almost like all people suffering depression are cloned :shock: :shock: :shock:
Well of course we aren't really - but doesn't it just go to show how just maybe - almost certainly - why certain people are more prone to suffer from depression than others?
It is more than certain that our train of thought can quite easily leave us open to being attacked by this evil demon. :oops:
I received CBT - luckily I didn't have to wait too long either as apparantly there is quite a long waiting list for CBT in my area.
Looking back now and having chatted with you and Stiltman on here, I can see now why CBT can be very successful in dealing with depression and anxiety.
I do think though, that for it to be effective, a person needs to go into this sort of therapy with their eyes wide open, mind wide open and be prepared to put in a lot of work that is involved in CBT. Homework etc.
My daughter has a website where you can do DIY CBT; I will ask her for it tomorrow and post it here. (Our GP gave her the link as he told her the waiting list is dire and she may benefit from the site while awaiting her referral).
Ja, I congratulate you on your what appears to be a more positive you this evening. I hope my guess is correct and that you continue to experience a more positive train of thought.
Hey! The 3 of us could start our own therapy sessions for victims of depression and help them to become survivors too :D :D :D
I have just placed my hand on my computer screen reaching out to you and offering you my hand, reach out your hand too and feel my love and support for you and other fellow sufferers.
On that note, I bid you, Stiltman and all that read here a very goodnight, may you sleep well and wake refreshed.
love 'n' hugs
Melbi :rose:
Stiltman
Posted
Just come in. Had a couple of beers and a good evening - in control again! :cheers:
Guys, it's really lifted me to read your posts following on from mine this afternoon. If i've been able to help anyone, in whatever small way, then I can't be all bad can I? I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face tonight!
ja, I (we) wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. Take good care of yourself and let us know how you are getting on.
And Melbi, \"....that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet.....!\" :hug:
With much love and affection my friends.
Goodnight
Guest
Posted
Wow , thi spostive thinking is hard, feel like im teetering on feeling rubbish but i keep saying to myself, dont feel sorry for yourself, stay positive and start doing things.....its hard but at the moment im doing ok.
It is hard, i have been at my job a long time now, well coming up 8 years, there is a lot of negativity and i dont really have a laugh, that can descend you into a bored and negative state of mind. Going to go for a long walk at lunchtime, i have my kids for the weekend, taking them fireworks tomo with their godparents, 2 great friends of mine. Apart from gym im going to look into some other interest that doesnt cost money, so i dont concentrate too much in gym and become bored of it. I still have this underlying worry of being alone, that i cannot deny, but i am trying to keep busy and positive, the fact that im thinking and trying shows im struggling , but it beats wallowing in self pity and tears doesnt it ??
I long for the day when i dont worry about being happy, dont worry and problems, just deal with them, the day i have my own place, feel contented and happy, and worry about silly things like what im going to have for dinner, or look forward to the big footy game on tonight, i used to addicted to my football, but lately havent even been interested in that, not saying i want to be addicted but i just want to be \"normal\" ha ha, dont know if i have ever been that.
Melbi, when i had counselling earlier this year, we touched on cbt, to be honest my counsellor was rubbish, all we done was talk about week just gone, just skated round the edges, never got to core of issues. I know this isnt a quick fix, thats whats fustrating, its almost the unknown, but Melbi , i know what the cause of my downers are and im really trying to solve it this time, not paper over cracks and hope my world dont fall apart.
Stilman, gald you enjoyed your beers, mate, your words have helped me alot, im sure we all help each other in our ways, taking control is half the battle, at work so i must get off net.
take care both of you
ja
Guest
Posted
Just an update really, well I went to see the doc again, i refused the tablets so i have been referred to to the mental health place??? they callled me to see the triage nurse and what happens after that who knows?? I sort of feel that i do need to do something, i cant continue like this, i dont know if talking to my mum, just doing things is gonna bring me out of this. Sometimes i feel ok but if im brutally honest i must be such a miserable person to be around, it cant hurt can it? i have been like this now for 3 weeks, sometimes i feel like doing this and that but nothing comes of it, just all hot air and guff, seems like i have given in but proper help maybe is what i need???
Guest
Posted
I'm a strong believer in talking through our thoughts, feelings and emotions as a way of helping us get through whatever it may be that is troubling us.
Go for all the offers that are being made available Ja, as you say what can you lose?
Glood luck and keep us informed
Melbi x
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