2nd bout of depression

Hi JA

I'm guessing it's the Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) your GP wants you to see?

As Melbi says, it can't do any harm to talk through your problems and concerns - to take whatever help is offered you. If nothing else it can be cathartic, a real release, to talk to someone, a professional, who doesn't have an \"emotional stake\" in you as friends and family have.

The CPN may also be able to give you some different strategies for coping with the low times and to help you understand how they occur. I think you've got to go in with an open mind, believing that it will help. Ultimately, however, it's how you feel so be frank with them.

Give it a go and if you feel it's not going anywhere or helping then say so.

Good luck mate - fingers crossed for you.

Melbi, hope you're on the upward curve again and you've kicked that cold into touch!

Best regards both.

Hi Melbi and Stilman,

had some really bad news yesterday, buyers pulled out of buying my house, its just knocked me for 6, not only does is not allow me final closure on my divorce, financially its terrible and it means that i am likely to be living at my parents for a considerable time, all 3 which lead to doom. Im feeling sick today, Im at work but I feel awful, I just cannot believe how rotten my luck is, i felt so dispondant last night, empty, i cant describe how bad i feel today, i felt bad before this happened but now i feel like i really dont want to live on this poxy world anymore, i have my wonderful kids, but come on, they have useless parents, what can i give them, a poxy box room to stay in at my parents house. The ex is a waste of space, cant beleive how screwed up my life is, do you know when you wake up you think, another day of hell to go through, nothing can make me smile anymore. I know i have my babies, and if it werent for them i really dont know what i would do? i have made an earlier appointment to see the menatl health people, i need to do something, i just cant go on feeling like this, i feel physically unwell today as well as down, i have beta blockers but im feel crap. Im sorry that i sound so down but didnt know what else to do, my mum doesnt really help, all she says is , things will be ok, will they? she said that 13 months ago and it hasnt ? plus i find myself snapping at her.

Morning Ja

Hey! Sure things are going to improve - when is another matter - but hang on in there - it will get better.

There will be other buyers, although I can see your concerns as we hit a recession but somebody somewhere is looking for a house and it could be your house they are looking for.

Does your x still live in the house?

Have you thought about selling it to these people that allow you to remain in it and you (x) pays rent for it? (Whoever decides to live there)

As for a box room for the children - Ja - I'm shocked at you - your children will just be pleased to be able to spend time with you - they are warm, loved and fed and get time with their daddy that is all that matters to them - they aren't looking for some palace to reside at when they come to visit you.

Now come on mate - pick that chin up off the floor - take a look around you - I bet there is something that can bring that smile back to your face. Ermmmm 'scuse me? Don't say there isn't - I'd be upset then too - I cheer you up - right?

Come on Ja, one little smile? Shall I send you some string and 2 pins to fasten to your lips then we can yank those lips up into a smile.

Life can be dreadful at times and for some reason, more crap is thrown at some than others - but hey! We can wake in a morning get ourselves washed and dressed, leave the house, go about our business etc.

Take some deep breathes, and look forward to better times - they will come and probably when you least expect it and ermmmm, then you can spend your time worrying how long before the next crap moment in your life :oops: That is what we do isn't it?

I wish I could be there and give you a huge hug.

Here I am in my own (all paid for) house and still not always happy with my lot.

Please try and be happy for what you have - parents that care and willing to put a roof over your head. Children that get excited as the time draws closer to coming and spending time with you. Employment - even if all your colleagues think you are a miserable git LOL :wink: :wink: :wink:

Be strong - I know you can get through this.

Lots of luv 'n' hugs.

P.S. Still off work with the cold (flu) hate saying I have flu so lightly but doctor has confirmed it. I am on the mend now but won't be going back to work until Monday. This is me looking after myself and resting up so I don't fall back into that dark hole.

That hole by the way that you are in right now Ja......Well I have this thick large rope tied around your waist.... at the other end is your children, parents, friends, Stiltman and myself.....all holding on very tight and trying to stop you falling further into that dark hole.

Don't make it too hard for us will you? :shock:

Oh Melbi,

thank you for your kindness, how i need a hug right now, i work in an office with 7 other men so no offers, small wry smile from me. Sorry to hear u r un well as well, feel bad dumping on you guys as u all have your own problems.

Well, my ex lives in house with her new partner who financially is as bad as her, the whole situation is a nightmare. I do have comfort that i have my kids, family, decent job and some true friends, but i feel so bad. It was in touching distance finally ridding myself from the ex, now its a disaster, she has got herself in financial trouble again and needs to take out 8k loan against house, otherwise she's up the creek, she will pay it not me, i have no other real option, if she dont she cant pay her bills, she's so reckless and doesnt realise how her actions hurt and affect other people. I do take comfort that when this terrible nightmare finally ends that she will be out my life for ever and for that i am truly lucky because she is an awful individual in reality. Part of the deal we have struck is that i take a set reduced figure out the equity and that she and partner take over mortgage in full, i pay it they pay me, i dont trust her, so atleast i can save money monthly for my next home.

I have just had a huge cry in the toilet at work, i feel and look terrible, i have my kids tonight so must pull myslef together for them. All i keep thinking is the worst, that she dont stick to her half the bargain, house doesnt sell for years and that im stuck at parents for years, how the hell can i meet someone living there, also sleeping arrangements with the kids are a nightmare, im just full of doom, i honestly think i feel more despondant today than i did when i split last year, then i was thinking clearly and was all over place, today i have eyes wide open and feel physically sick, i keep reaching like im going to be sick, and feel like a panic attack coming on, i know how to breath with them. About a month ago if anyone had seen me i looked on top of world, met a wonderful person, house sold, bouncing along in life, today i look awful, and to be honest hate every second of this life.

I dont know if medication is the answer? but i dont know if i can continue feeling this bad, im racked with worry, anxiety, feeling sick, i wont drink, im strong enough not to succumb to that. Do u know when u just dont know what to do for the best, i have no fight left in me, she has made my life hell for so long, i really though that in 2 weeks no matter how bad i was feeling that at least of was free of her, now she's back with a vengance.

take care Melbi, and yes u did get me to smirk, best i can do my friend

Well a smirk is a start - right?

Okay Ja, let's do a little therapy here shall we?

You have posted all the downsides of your life - now I'm going to start a new thread and only the good things in life can be posted there.

I am relying on you my dear friend to post at least 1 positive thing in your life on that thread each day.

Before that I'd like to mention Hilary - yes Hilary - Hi Hilary.

Hilary sent me a PM some months ago when I, like you Ja, was feeling so low and could see no way out. I had just posted on here and turned a positive into a negative (of course I hadn't realised I had done that) but I had and I think it's safe to say that Hilary wasn't too sure just how I would react to her PM when she was pointing out to me how I turn everything into negatives.

Well, Ja, Hilary did it for me - well she started the ball rolling at least. From that day on I started question my thoughts and yes, it was difficult to begin with but with the help with CBT I managed and now I easily recognise when I am being negative and it is getting easier to turn those negatives into positives.

Anyway, less about me!

I'll go started the positive thread.

Melbi x

Ah Melbi,

Well the gloom seems to have lifted, having my kids around probably helps me, dont what i would do without them, just makes me realise how precious they are to me and why i am lucky in 2 very special ways.

Sorted it out with ex, taking out money on house, \"new\" agreement starts dec 1st, get it ratified by our solicitors, im trying now to say to myself, whats done is done, ok another blow but i will just have to revaluate and proceed, what else can i do. Im still gutted i wont be getting my own flat as quickly as i had hoped but atleast now i will have some spare cash to join a gym and get out and about.

I have my appointment next thurs 9am with the mental health place, im really going to go and tell them walts and all how i feel when im down, what can cause it, how i react , everything, i want to be able to deal with crap in life and not descend into the moods and feelings i have had in last 24 hours, i know its easy to say when you get a reprieve, i could wake up tomo all down, i need to cope better with issues.

Anyway Im rambling, going to put me babies to bed soon and enjoy a pint tonight, not drink it with the sole intention of getting me merry and forgetting my troubles, Melbi and Stilman, its strange how we have never met yet we tell each other so much, i truly thank you for your posts today, i havent felt that bad for a long long time, even ate all my tea tonight, Im going to have a shave and cut my hair, havent shaved all bloody week, thanks for being there, i hope you flu improves and you feel better.

Take care my friends

ja

Ja

Give your 2 beautiful, precious babies a huge hug from me and whisper a little thank you in their ears as they sleep for being so precious to you as you are to them.

Enjoy your beer, shave and hair cut :D

Forget tomorrow it will soon be gone and another day will begin. Up or down you will get through all of this I promise you.

One day at a time my dear friend.

Melbi x

Hi Melbi, Stilman,

Well im not feeling anywhere as down today, took my babies to school this morning on way to work, its strange as when i dropped off my son i got a lump in my throat, i dont see then now until next friday, i have never been totally happy with the arrangement but had accepted it, just lately my emotions seem to be getting better of me, anyway, im alot more chatty at work. I have a night out tomo with my mates, not going to drink too much as the day after is awful.

Im very eager to go to this appointment on thursday and see what happens, dont know what to expect, but im just hoping that i can start a process where i can deal with things. Melbi, in one of your posts the other day you mentioned that its like waiting for the next disaster to happen, along those lines i think, and thats how i feel, even when im not down Im worrying and thinking the worst what could happen so i wouldbe down again. Its like when things were going right i just kept saying to myself, this wont last and things will go wrong and like hell they did.

Hope the both of you are keeping well, going to post on the positivity thread now, take care

ja

JA, sorry to hear about the buyer for your property falling through. Obviously you're desperate to move on and for there to be closure to that part of your life - you wouldn't be human not to feel that.

I don't have children of my own but one thing I am sure of though is that yours feel happy and safe and secure in your unconditional love for them. And because they have that, feel that, know that, then they won't judge you harshly because they have to spend a few nights in a small room or at your parents. They just want to be with you and to see their dad happy.

I think we all spend time wondering when the next disaster is going to happen! I used to think that every project I took on at work, every new department I ran; well this was going to be the time I fail. This time I'll screw up. This time my luck will run out! Maybe in the end it became self fulfilling? :oops:

Keep your head up mate. Tell yourself you're a good man and a good dad. Enjoy your evening out tomorrow - you deserve it.

I'll leave you with an old Czech proverb which hopefully will put a smile on your face in the context that we've both been known to enjoy a drink!

\" A fine beer may be determined by just one sip - but it's always best to be thoroughly sure!\" :cheers:

Best regards

Hi Melbi and Stilman,

Well, its the dreaded Sunday again, have to admit that I dont feel anywhere as bad as Thursday but to say i feel flat is an understatement. I went out last night, couple of my mates didnt make it so there were only 2 of us, ended up having 8 pints, not the strong beer but too much nevertheless. Felt okish when i got up, went for a long walk and called a mate, also I went to a gym, had a look around, it was lovely, they have numerous classes all week. I couldnt join though as I never had the cash, i will definately join though, i intend going at least 3-4 times a week, get me out of here !!!!

I also received a text from that woman i saw just saying hi really, stirred up all my emotions and got me down and thinking, lovely to hear from her but in reality last thing i needed as it has got me thinking and i dont need that. Looking forward to this thursday, i know that there is no magic pill i can take but at least im making an effort to fight this feeling. For one day in my life cant i feel bloody happy, im just so sick and tired of feeling like this, only rest bite i get is when im asleep, as soon as i awake things are on my mind, i just cant see no end to it, i know they say that money doesnt make u happy, it doesnt ultimately but at least it would allow me to do things i want to do, go places i want to go, whats the saying? lifes like a sh*t sandwich, more bread u have the less sh*t u taste......

Like u said Melbi, i will get through today, tomo and day after, its not like i want to be over happy, be nice, but i just dont want to feel so god damn down and miserable.

Hope u r feeling better Melbi and Stilman thanks for your wise words.

ja

A very good morning Ja, Stiltman and anyone else reading here :D

Aches and pains eased off quite considerably and I'm back off to work today. See if I can manage a full day this time lol.

Ja, define what happiness to you is.

The text you received might have upset you (got you thinking again) but trust me - it will also make you stronger.

Good news about the gym - both my daughters attend a gym 3 times a week :shock: moi? Gosh, I'd keel over just getting my gym gear on lol.

They do say exercise helps the mind aswell as the body - so go for it! :D

Hope I'm right in thinking (reading between your lines) that you are already feeling a little stronger and more determined. Good for you - I admire the fight in you. :D Keep going - don't stop!

Each day you will grow stronger (yes, you will have the down days) but with your newly required strength that keeps growing and growing, you will overcome this demon.

Oh well! No rest for the wicked - time to get ready for work. To be honest I could do with a few more days just to gain some energy back but the guilt would drown me. :oops:

Have a great day both of you.

Melbi x

Hi Melbi,

Hope your 1st day back at work goes off well for you, really I do, let me know how your day goes.

Right, define happiness, everything opposite to what my life is now !!!! Im kidding, there are so many things i would love to change about my life. Here goes: Im not saying that materials and possessions or even people make me happy. I hate living at my parents so i would love my own place, i dearly miss my my babies, yet i accept that i cannot hav ethem full time. Id love to meet a special person again, love and be loved, all is achievable but at the moment everything seems so dark. Thing is that nothing is gauranteed in life and i must be able to cope when things arent going right or go tits up, thats my main objective of this meeting on thursday, Melbi, im seriously considering medication, i so dont want to but today i woke up and had that feeling in my gut, like a dull pain, i felt so down, drove to work expressionless. I know they wont make me happy, but i cant continue living like this. I adore my kids but i have no money to take them out weekend, i can take them to the park etc but i have to spend time in at parents and it destroys me, even now im dreading it and its only monday. I just see no end to this cycle, it goes on and on. Thing is that in real terms my situation hasnt changed that great a deal since say early sept, i didnt feel no where near as down but i had a taste of happiness again and the fall out is awful. I do get my brief times where i feel positive and want to do things but most of the time i just wish i could sleep, at least then im not in the real world. Better shut up, anyone reading this will probably feel pissed off .......

Melbi, let me know how your day goes, and Stilman, hope you are ok mate

ja

Hi :D

Well I managed a full day at work lol. Aches and pains not too bad :shock:

Ja, there is nothing wrong with taking the AD's, I stayed on them for the recommended time noted by my GP (6 months) by the end of that period I felt ready to 'go it alone'. I have had a few 'slip ups', but thnkfully each time I managed to drag myself back to ----- to what? Calmness, contentment etc.

Unlike you, my bout of depression brought on last February was due to several family circumstances all happening at once and I just cracked under the pressure. Thankfully things have started to return to 'normal' again ---- normal? Well as things used to be plus a new addition to the family. :D

Your like will move on too Ja, to a point you know you are ready to 'go it alone', but until then, why struggle by not taking the AD's?

Go for it Ja, right now you need all the help you can get - you deserve to take that help, so take it with both hands.

Once your life is on some sort of track that you feel is ok for you, you will then start to feel better.

Battery dying on laptop and dinner needs checking :shock: so will have to stop there.

Stay strong my dear friend

Melbi xxx

Hi Melbi & JA

JA, there's nothing wrong with taking the AD's if they are going to help you. It's not a failure to admit you need some help at the moment and if the pills can do that, then why not? Seriously, as I've posted before somewhere we all seem to judge ourselves for more harshly than others do, or, indeed than we would judge others.

I'd be willing to bet that if friends and family need or needed our help, for years we've been the first in line to do that. To be accepting of others weaknesses, put those aside and still extend a helping hand where we are able to offer help, friendship or support.

So why are we so damn' tough on ourselves?? Why do we always assess ourselves in the cruelest possible way. Pick apart what we we have said and done; achieved and contributed and see only failure and disappointment.

When I find out the answer, I promise to share it. Please do likewise if you find it first. :roll:

So after that ramble, JA mate, just take whatever help and support is offered and available. And give the gym a go. I can't say I love it but it has given me a bit of a routine back and helped me lose the weight I put on with the help of the Mirtazapine!

Melbi, glad you enjoyed being back at work aches and pains excepted. Take it easy though and give yourself plenty of time to rest as a bout of the flu can be extremely debilitating if you try to do to much too soon.

God, I sound like my mother! :oops: :oops:

Take care my friends.

Best regards.

Melbi , Stilman,

Well 2 days to go for me, I dont really know what to expect? I suppose Im looking for some magic words or a promise that my mood will lift, in reality I know that wont happen, when I took the 1 tablet back in August, god I felt rough for a couple of days, really dont want that again, I need to address so much in my life, can these people really say or do things that make you cope? what worries me is that if I take the AD's Im papering over the cracks and not dealing with the issues that cause me to feel like this. I appreciate that depression is a medical condition, but I dont want to be reliant on them every time my mood dips?

Life never runs smooth, what I need is to be able to cope better when it doesnt, take dissapointments and bad news better, am I asking the impossible? do I need drugs to cope ? I realy hope I dont, in the past I have used alcohol, and I believe that this has contributed alot to my mood swings. I have always been moody, just part of my make up, but I think in my adult life I have used drink to life me, saying that its only in last few years that I have had big swings.

One thing which sort of puzzles me is that if certain things were to be different in my life then I would not be feeling the way I do now, say Iin September this year, I was fine, really I felt good about life, yes I had worries, but because certain things in my life were good I could handle them, living at my parents didnt bother me like it does now etc, even if the house had gone, I was realistically looking at 2009 at their place, thats what makes me think I will never solve these mood swings, as problems do arise and how do I stop the descent into these downers as my mum calls them. I dont know if you are like me but Im really impatient, I want things to happen so quickly, like I want everything to be sorted now, not in 6 months.

Have you ever visited a CPN before or know anyone who has? do you know what the process is and the likelihood of what will happen?

Im at work so had better go, Melbi, hope you 2nd day at work goes just as well and you are fine, and Stilman, thanks my friend, so much of what you say is so true of my thinking.

ja