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I've never posted on any site like this before and no one will probably even see it but if feel I need to vent how I'm feeling in some way as my long term girlfriend and my mother don't understand and apart from my daughter they are pretty much the only people I have. I've always been anxious and felt out of place with the world but after leaving my job of 13 years in a shop 2 years ago to start a new job that didn't got to well and being out of work since has led me on a path I'm scared of . I have had jobs since but I leave almost as soon as I've started as I feel already like I've been their before and feel I will be trapped like I was for 13 years in a shop the jobs feel dead ended and depressing . I've never known what I wanted to do with my life I left school with basically nothing and last year was all enrolled for uni as I thought I needed to be doing something but once again on enrolment day I backed out as the course I was doing I realised I wasn't going to be passionate about and didn't want to get into debt just to leave the course . Having not many gsces you see their are only certain courses the uni will except me on and all of them are not something that really interests me the courses that would interest me I can't get on without having 5 or more gsces and at 32 years old I can't imaging going back to college and waste years trying to get some to then apply to university and spend years at uni I'd end up being like 40 and no guarantees I would complete the course anyway or find a job. So I've become more depressed and sad I feel a failure and worthless like everyone would be better without me here . I feel sick constantly and have been drinking wine nearly every day for nearly 2 years . I deleted my Facebook account as the world nowadays annoys me everyone with their happy lives posting things that they are doing annoys me I guess I'm just jealous that I have pretty much no friends and now feel socially awkward . I can easily talk to people and am not bad looking but have never really had a proper group of friends just work people and obviously now I don't work I lost contact with those people after leaving facebook , not that anyone really cared about me on there anyway . I feel guilty buying the wine and know I'm the morning the depressions and sick feeling will be ten times worse and the guilt I feel for my daughter and girlfriend is awful . Not that they really know how bad I am . My daughter has everything she wants and is always happy my girlfriend knows I'm drinking too much and tell me to stop but it's not like I get drunk and am sick all the time I can drink and still function barley the next day but feel terrible , also I hate the state of the world and all the people in it doing bad things I have started to feel really scared to go outside even doing the weekly shop terrifies me although you wouldn't be able to tell as I put on this front were I think people may think I'm just and angry person . I get weird looks a lot and feel like people can see right through me . I don't want to commit suicide but sometimes the thoughts of not being here are so strong as I just want these feelings to go away and I see. I hope for my future at all . It's a pointless excistence . I've tried anxiety tablets in the past for months and they don't work as like I've said I've always felt anxious but not as bad as the last 2 years . I did counselling once that was just utter garbage . I have no money no job and no hope for my future and it makes me feel sick just writing this I feel it hard to fall asleep although when I do I'm at my happiest not feeling these feelings until the morning when I become conscious that feeling of dread is so bad I can't take it anymore I'm filled instantly with fear the moment I wake up and just wish I was asleep. Anyway sorry for the spelling mistakes I'm sure to have made . But if anyone out there in this lonely world does happen to read this and want to talk feel free to write back. And to all struggling out there with similar feelings I wish you can overcome the darkness as much as I wish I could .
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