32 male and been seriously at the worst point in my life drinking and anxious and depressed

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I've never posted on any site like this before and no one will probably even see it but if feel I need to vent how I'm feeling in some way as my long term girlfriend and my mother don't understand and apart from my daughter they are pretty much the only people I have. I've always been anxious and felt out of place with the world but after leaving my job of 13 years in a shop 2 years ago to start a new job that didn't got to well and being out of work since has led me on a path I'm scared of . I have had jobs since but I leave almost as soon as I've started as I feel already like I've been their before and feel I will be trapped like I was for 13 years in a shop the jobs feel dead ended and depressing . I've never known what I wanted to do with my life I left school with basically nothing and last year was all enrolled for uni as I thought I needed to be doing something but once again on enrolment day I backed out as the course I was doing I realised I wasn't going to be passionate about and didn't want to get into debt just to leave the course . Having not many gsces you see their are only certain courses the uni will except me on and all of them are not something that really interests me the courses that would interest me I can't get on without having 5 or more gsces and at 32 years old I can't imaging going back to college and waste years trying to get some to then apply to university and spend years at uni I'd end up being like 40 and no guarantees I would complete the course anyway or find a job. So I've become more depressed and sad I feel a failure and worthless like everyone would be better without me here . I feel sick constantly and have been drinking wine nearly every day for nearly 2 years . I deleted my Facebook account as the world nowadays annoys me everyone with their happy lives posting things that they are doing annoys me I guess I'm just jealous that I have pretty much no friends and now feel socially awkward . I can easily talk to people and am not bad looking but have never really had a proper group of friends just work people and obviously now I don't work I lost contact with those people after leaving facebook , not that anyone really cared about me on there anyway . I feel guilty buying the wine and know I'm the morning the depressions and sick feeling will be ten times worse and the guilt I feel for my daughter and girlfriend is awful . Not that they really know how bad I am . My daughter has everything she wants and is always happy my girlfriend knows I'm drinking too much and tell me to stop but it's not like I get drunk and am sick all the time I can drink and still function barley the next day but feel terrible , also I hate the state of the world and all the people in it doing bad things I have started to feel really scared to go outside even doing the weekly shop terrifies me although you wouldn't be able to tell as I put on this front were I think people may think I'm just and angry person . I get weird looks a lot and feel like people can see right through me . I don't want to commit suicide but sometimes the thoughts of not being here are so strong as I just want these feelings to go away and I see. I hope for my future at all . It's a pointless excistence . I've tried anxiety tablets in the past for months and they don't work as like I've said I've always felt anxious but not as bad as the last 2 years . I did counselling once that was just utter garbage . I have no money no job and no hope for my future and it makes me feel sick just writing this I feel it hard to fall asleep although when I do I'm at my happiest not feeling these feelings until the morning when I become conscious that feeling of dread is so bad I can't take it anymore I'm filled instantly with fear the moment I wake up and just wish I was asleep. Anyway sorry for the spelling mistakes I'm sure to have made . But if anyone out there in this lonely world does happen to read this and want to talk feel free to write back. And to all struggling out there with similar feelings I wish you can overcome the darkness as much as I wish I could .

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  • Posted

    Oh love, life gets so bloody hard sometimes it's hard to see that there's a clear way through all the mud. 

    But there really is, trust me. I'm on this forum as I am struggling with vino consumption, but I can totally empathise with a lot of your other problems and the Ines I don't have personal experience of, I have friends who have & I know you must be feeling very low right now. 

    NOTHING is irreversible ( well except death & taxes so let's not go down those routes)

    How about tacking those issues one by one so they feel manageable, rather than trying to 'fix' your whole life? I've gotta be honest, I think fixing the drink one might be a massive help with everything that else, & you must know that else why would you have gravitated towards this forum? 

    What at do you think? Whatever you do, you're not alone with it any longer xx 

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    • Posted

      Hi thanks for replying Lisa and yes the alcohol is a demon that's very powerful I can't go more than a day or 2 without the need to feel at ease with a taste of wine I hate myself for not being able to give into temptation and always have the attitude that it's fine I'll stop drinking starting Monday thoughts. I know this has become a big part of my problems not the whole proovlem obviously but a huge contributing factor as to why I feel so bad . Also struggling with thoughts of death and god as I've never really been a true believer in god , I'd hope their is one but I'm quite sceptic about life after death and it terrifies me to be nothing after death . If I didn't have a child I'd maybe feel not as bad but I feel guilty everyday for having to bring her into this world which I see as just a sort of living hell . Watching her day by day happy and so naive makes me so sad that one day she will see the world for what it has become , to me a awful place with so much evil it's hard to comprehend to much stuff going on in the world that it's hard to believe a god exists and if I don't truly believe in a god I feel then what is there , I feel I've been lied to my whole life as when your a kid your told that santa real and then you grow up and realise it was a lie and it's a disappointment ok it's only santa but the feeling when you find out as a kid that it's not true is gutting and sets you up to think other things you hear god for example may not be true either as no one truly knows what lies beyond . I think I've just got to a point where my head feels like it's going to break down and I will loose control .

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    • Posted

      i just started this forum today and like you my life-feelings are not in a good place. Im going to try and use this site to help get better especially when the voice in my head is actually telling me its ok. I hope things are maybe a little better for you right now. You should also see your docter. Stay in touch.
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  • Posted

    Oh dear rain. I agree with Lisa. Alcohol will not solve any of your problems, I would argue that it is probably making life seem 10 times worse. Alcohol is a depressent and causes anxiety. We all think a drink will help, don't we?

    You need to see a doc, who will help you to start sorting out your alcohol intake

    Keep in touch, I am sure more people will be helping you soon with sound advice. This is a great site

    Kindest Regards

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    • Posted

      Hi Julie thank you to for your reply I never post Anything so deep and personal on the internet and figured that this post would just get lost among the many others on the web as I've looked at sites like this before and seen other people vent out their problems and create some sort of friendships , I guess I'm looking for good people in the world to maybe give me Some sort of hope . As I'd said before I've always felt different and slightly reclusive at times throughout my life and the last 2 years I've lost myself or in fact I don't ever think I've known who I am or where I belong I feel that much alone I may aswell be a ghost . I prefer spending time on my own with the wine and good music lost in my own troublesome world although I know it's very unhealthy . It's going to sound stupid but I kind of just gave up all hope just after Christmas when I saw on the internet a 12 year old girl commit suicide live on the internet I delve deep into the story for days as it was hard to see someone so young do what they did I think for some reason a girl taking her life the way she did seemed surreal but then it's just a part of life and since then I've just kind of imagined not being here anymore . I was moved by her sad story and sad life and all documented on the internet for the world to see that as horrible as it was I hope she is somewhere now not feeling the pain she felt whilst living . I think it's the fact that if I wanted to I could decide to just turn the light off myself and that's what scares me . How we have the power to decide when we want to go is scary . Although I wouldn't do that . On the other hand it scares me that death could arrive this very day or tommorow every time I step out the house these days and get in the car I think this could be if this could be the day every time my daughter goes to school or goes out I think this could be it and all these thoughts well up inside and are making me feel so confused and ill. It feels slightly realising to write these thoughts down even though a lot of it may not make sense . Anyway I wish you a safe good day .

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  • Posted

    I would suggest you see your gp to start with it sounds like you're suffering with depression and anxiety. Alcohol won't help in the long run as it's a depressant and will make you more anxious.

    Universities these days offer various courses, where life experience is taken into account. I went back to uni as a mature student and eventually got a degree.

    However before you start on anything new, you need to address your depression and anxiety. It's a horrible feeling waking up each day to realise that you feel exactly the same and can see no way out. Alcohol for a short while blocks out the felling of despare, but it's only temporary and just brings more problems.

    I reached a point where normally  after a bottle of wine I'd get a temporary boost. Eventually even that didn't work. I'd drink the wine, but the feelings of dread and darkness were still there.

    My husband used to ask me what was I anxious about? what was worrying me. I honestly couldn't answer. I felt like a rabbit caught in headlights, no escape from feeling utter dread and doom and gloom. The longer it went on, I wasn't really living, just existing.

    please see your gp and explain how you feel. What does the alcohol actually do? A course of anti depressants might clear the fog and help get things into perspective. Before you make any big life changes, you need to try and help get rid of or address why you're feeling like you do.

    It will take time, and you may feel you're going backwards at first. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it just takes time to find it.

     

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    • Posted

      Hi thanks for the advice my girlfriend had said over the last few weeks as she can see I'm in a dark place that I need to go to the doctor but I refused as been in the past and found it no help with anxiety tablets and also they never really seem to care about my drinking as I don't wake up drinking they just tell me to try stop which isn't really of any help , your maybe right though and I maybe should give the doctor one last shot and see if they can help In any way . I just feel right at this moment in time I can't stop the nightly / late afternoon wine binge . And feel suck a loser for even admitting that but it's true I just can't stop myself . I know I'm starting to look a bit ill as I'm losing weight and just look tired and slightly out of it everyday. Thakyou for your kind words

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    • Posted

      Hi Rain. Yes I am going to recommend going back to your gp. I am not a Doc but from the things you are saying you may need some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, as well as taking some kind of medication.

      I am wondering if you have told your gp everything you are thinking and feeling as you have done on here?

      Are you posting from the UK? As gp's in the UK will generally refer you to an ARC Alcohol Recovery Centre, if you feel that your alcohol intake is getting out of control.

      If you haven't had a true and frank discussion with your gp, you must go back and tell him/her everything so you can get all the help you need.

      In the meantime, stop looking at negative stuff on the internet. Take your Daughter out on a simple activity like going to a park, a walk in the countryside anything to build positive feelings.

      Let us know how you get on at the docs. Please bear in mind that the alcohol is changing the way you think and feel, it is probably a major factor in the way you are reacting xx

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    • Posted

      Yes I'm over in the uk are you over in America ? Yeah I have been many times in the past and told them exactly how I feel I always get the feeling they are getting annoyed with me going on as they have patients waiting and are not councillors but doctors . Have give me pills before maybe 3 separate occasions and each time I've took them for months with no use in fact feeling worse and very sick loss of appetite completely aswell so stop taking them as in a way I'm not sure a pill can solve any of my problems and tries counselling once but found that to be like I was being told off I think the woman even said to me she can't understand why I worry about getting old all the time as I told her I'm terrified getting older and feel I've done nothing career wise with my life and feel a failure. So I've been putting off the doctors . My partner says she's going to make the appointment and drag me there . But never follows through as she knows deep down she can't make me . I just feel I know it will go just like all the other times I've been over the years . The only person who can change is my situation is me . But it's easier said than done when you feel in the darkest hole with no way out .

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    • Posted

      Rain as you're in the uk, I'd suggest you make a double appointment with your gp. That way you won't feel rushed, or worry about people waiting.

      write a list of the main things bothering you. Would it be easier if your girlfriend came in with you and spoke to the doctor. I've found that very helpful before, plus your doctor gets a true picture of what's going on. Anti depressants don't work properly with alcohol, so maybe that's why you feel they don't work.

      if you find it easier, show your dr a copy of your post on this forum. I agree with JulieAnne about wondering if your doctor is fully aware of exactly how you are feeling.

      keep posting on here whenever you feel like it. There's always someone to talk to.

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    • Posted

      I think you need to write everything down including the fact that you have AUD Alcohol Use Disorder Ask your gf to go with you to keep you on track.

      In my opinion, for what it's worth, you need to sort out your alcohol intake. In my experience and it is only a personal one, gp's can be dismissive where AUD is concerned.

      Talk all this over with your gf. Do it asap.

      I am posting from the UK

      Kind Regards

      JulieAnne

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    • Posted

      Hi thanks I do agree that I will have to see a doctor and will make a appointment after this weekend as I can't go on feeling as lost as I do . I've had a few messages from people who have some of the same feelings .

      I think I have posted this post in a different room aswell as late last night I thought the post didn't send as I'm getting messages from a different room . Being new to this sort of thing I'm not quite sure how the site works .

      I appreciate your advice and thanks for bothering to take the time to write .

      I guess I know things are that bad as over the last few months I'm becoming reclusive and fear going out . I start to panic inside and it's the worst feeling .

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    • Posted

       Hello Rain.  First of all I am not alone, secondly... I am not an Angel.  Don't let the name fool you... you like the truth, straight-talking....I think.

      I have suffered from Depression and Anxiety over many, many years.

      Alcohol makes both worse, we only kid ourselves because the immediate effect is good.  The long-term damage is awful. I know that from sad experience.

      I am not medically qualified, in any way, but I would advise you to seek medical help. Your G.P. would be first stop... then hopefully referrals as necessary.  That seems easy, but I suspect NOTHING IS EASY in this life.

      Giving up Alcohol is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT !  Goodness , don't I know that.  

      I think you are reaching out for help, by posting here. If so, you want to live and to make something of your life.  It is never too late to start trying.  You have inner strength. Fight your demons, beat the booze.  Take self-control seriously.  It can be done and you can do it.

      The world is a flawed, dangerous place, but we have to live in it.

      There is a lot of good in the world, as well. We have to recognise it.

      Save yourself from this downward spiral, Rain.

      Bring on the Sunshine... isn't that what follows rain?

      Think it all through, very carefully.

      I wish you all that you wish for yourself.

      Blessings,

      Alonangel 🎇

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    • Posted

      Hi alonangel and thanks for you uplifting words .

      Everything you have said is right and I know this , the trouble is breaking out and stopping myself from this drinking and self loathing that I feel , I maybe ok for a day or a few hours but then wishing nano seconds the feeling of dread comes searging through my body and the sick feeling is back and set to stay . It's like some demon is inside my body getting great pleasure out of me feeling this way and making me feel worthless and hating myself . Today for example I have just got home from a day of basic chores that seem to come and go weekly in a flash . Everyday is like Groundhog Day . People can probably read my routine like a book . Right now my girlfriend isn't to happy as I guess my mood and actions have an impact on the few close people around me . Luckily my daughter is still young and naive to notice properly but if this carries on it will affect her in the future I'm sure and I hate myself for being this loser that I have become . I'm not the sort of person who says or does these things for attention . I've never posted or write my thoughts down like this for strangers to see . But the messages I have received do give me that glimpse that their are people out there that we don't actually really know but have still took the time to care and write a message .

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    • Posted

      Hi rain, you have arrived at the right place.  One huge family we are.

      I, and many others on here have had and do still have anxiety/depression, I have background issues that have made me want to sleep and not wake up.  Going on for 20 plus years and still there. Alcohol dulls it but makes you feel worse when you wake up.

      CBT, I agree would be helpful, and there are many more anti-deps you can try.  You are extremely unhappy which is so palpable it hurts.

      You cannot solve this yourself, GP again is a must and then a plan of action  with serious strategy.  It can be done, honest hunni.

      Stay on here bud, you won't regret coming into the fold. 

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    • Posted

      What an excellent post angel and so very true. My drinking was at it's worse when I was 25. I felt just how rain is. If someone had told me then, that in five years time I'd be going to uni, I'd have thought they were mad.

      My dr put me on antidepressants and slowly started to feel a bit better, and only drunk at the weekend. Four years later i did a foundation course which then went on to degree level. I'm not boasting or saying it's easier. I had several slip ups on the way. The degree was my goal and I eventually got it.

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    • Posted

      Thanks I feel slightly strange to be getting replies to my post that I thought would just be unnoticed . A cry for help most to strangers ? Maybe . But didnt expect their would be people out there who would take the time to even bother reading my rambling post about how hard I've feel I've got it . As I know some people would tell me to just get on with it . But until you have been to the depths of despair that dark hole and it really is dark they don't understand . I don't want sympathy or attention I guess I'm just looking for people who get where I'm coming from .

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    • Posted

      Hi Rain, I have just read your posts and replys from the guys on here, You can truly rely on our support here but as the others are all saying you really must go to the doctor and discuus all your issues which are clearly by what you say being exacerbated by your alcohol intake.  I so feel for you as at the moment, you  really are  in a dark place and   cant see the wood for the trees. Things could most definitley change for the better if you can address your AUD .As Vickylou  and JulieAnne have suggested take your girlfriend for support.. After all she is living this nightmare with you ,Good luck buddy and remember we are all here,
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    • Posted

      Hi Vickylou.  It is hard to know what to say, to help.  When someone is in despair... that is what it is.  Those of us who have felt it, know.  My pit of despair was very deep,  a part of me may never leave it behind.

      Some improvements, on our parts, can give others hope... I think.

      Stay strong, my friend.

      Angel 🎇

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    • Posted

      Oh JulieAnne, I can feel the pain in the young man's words.

      If only our words can strengthen him into action.

      His first step on the path was posting here.  I hope, with all my heart, that he finds his way.

      Angel XX

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    • Posted

      So do I, Angel. I don't understand drs prescribing antidepressants when the person is drinking. My husbands GP knew that he drank but still gave him antidepressants that advised 'Not to be taken with alcohol' I was flabbergasted xx

      I hope Rain does take his gf with him, he needs someone with a clear head xx

      Keep well on the road to recovery angel xx

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    • Posted

      I think the G.P.'s hope that the person will stop the alcohol, in order to take the medication, effectively.  Unfortunately, when a person is " in the grip" of alcohol... it wins every contest.

      I had such anti-depressants, in the past... drank through them all.  No logic, sense or knowledge applied !  I didn't feel bad about it, either.... crazy old life.

      Maybe I will get to be a " Normal", before I die. XX

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