32 male and been seriously at the worst point in my life drinking and anxious and depressed
Posted , 9 users are following.
I've never posted on any site like this before and no one will probably even see it but if feel I need to vent how I'm feeling in some way as my long term girlfriend and my mother don't understand and apart from my daughter they are pretty much the only people I have. I've always been anxious and felt out of place with the world but after leaving my job of 13 years in a shop 2 years ago to start a new job that didn't got to well and being out of work since has led me on a path I'm scared of . I have had jobs since but I leave almost as soon as I've started as I feel already like I've been their before and feel I will be trapped like I was for 13 years in a shop the jobs feel dead ended and depressing . I've never known what I wanted to do with my life I left school with basically nothing and last year was all enrolled for uni as I thought I needed to be doing something but once again on enrolment day I backed out as the course I was doing I realised I wasn't going to be passionate about and didn't want to get into debt just to leave the course . Having not many gsces you see their are only certain courses the uni will except me on and all of them are not something that really interests me the courses that would interest me I can't get on without having 5 or more gsces and at 32 years old I can't imaging going back to college and waste years trying to get some to then apply to university and spend years at uni I'd end up being like 40 and no guarantees I would complete the course anyway or find a job. So I've become more depressed and sad I feel a failure and worthless like everyone would be better without me here . I feel sick constantly and have been drinking wine nearly every day for nearly 2 years . I deleted my Facebook account as the world nowadays annoys me everyone with their happy lives posting things that they are doing annoys me I guess I'm just jealous that I have pretty much no friends and now feel socially awkward . I can easily talk to people and am not bad looking but have never really had a proper group of friends just work people and obviously now I don't work I lost contact with those people after leaving facebook , not that anyone really cared about me on there anyway . I feel guilty buying the wine and know I'm the morning the depressions and sick feeling will be ten times worse and the guilt I feel for my daughter and girlfriend is awful . Not that they really know how bad I am . My daughter has everything she wants and is always happy my girlfriend knows I'm drinking too much and tell me to stop but it's not like I get drunk and am sick all the time I can drink and still function barley the next day but feel terrible , also I hate the state of the world and all the people in it doing bad things I have started to feel really scared to go outside even doing the weekly shop terrifies me although you wouldn't be able to tell as I put on this front were I think people may think I'm just and angry person . I get weird looks a lot and feel like people can see right through me . I don't want to commit suicide but sometimes the thoughts of not being here are so strong as I just want these feelings to go away and I see. I hope for my future at all . It's a pointless excistence . I've tried anxiety tablets in the past for months and they don't work as like I've said I've always felt anxious but not as bad as the last 2 years . I did counselling once that was just utter garbage . I have no money no job and no hope for my future and it makes me feel sick just writing this I feel it hard to fall asleep although when I do I'm at my happiest not feeling these feelings until the morning when I become conscious that feeling of dread is so bad I can't take it anymore I'm filled instantly with fear the moment I wake up and just wish I was asleep. Anyway sorry for the spelling mistakes I'm sure to have made . But if anyone out there in this lonely world does happen to read this and want to talk feel free to write back. And to all struggling out there with similar feelings I wish you can overcome the darkness as much as I wish I could .
2 likes, 61 replies
rain40852
Posted
Hi everyone and thanks for all the messages posted in the last 24 hours I have read them and will reply . Today is not a good day however , I woke extra early as I consumed 2 bottles of wine last night , always kidding myself it's the last time .
So I've woke up on the same fog but feeling extra awful I don't know why I do it to myself , I think it's a way to punish myself , poisoning my body , I hate to be this weak minded person I've become , I wouldn't wish these feeling on anybody , it's like years and years ago when I felt down I had no idea what down really ment . Now I do .
I will try to reply to these lovely posts but right this miniute it's back to bed .
I hope everyone is feeling ok and has a good day .
Nat666 rain40852
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Awww Rain , I can imagine how terrible you are feeling this morning and just wanting to bury yourself in your bed .Been there done it so so many times but for me I hope its now history.You seriously need to try and get to grips with this and see someone very soon .You are not weak minded , you have AUD and it needs addressing..You don't have to go to rock bottom ( although you probably feel you are there already by what you say ) There are medications that can help with the alcohol cravings , you really must see your GP if you want help to get through this.Take the intake of wine away and the anxiety and depression most likely lift considerable.Many of us on here know what a jittering mess alcohol makes of us. Take a look at Sinclair Method Hints and Tips at the beginning of this forum.Also google 'One littlePill'
There are ways through this believe me ,but you have to want to do it.Think of your daughter and girlfriend too and the new life you could open up for you all .This is too much of a waste x
rain40852 Nat666
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Hi I hope your well . Thanks for your post . I'm just in a vicious cycle I can't seem to break . On a downward spiral . I checked out the one little pill and will watch the documentary later . For now I'm just watching an old classic flatliners in bed pondering life after death and if it exists . I'm going to try to quit the booze now but it's the old feeling of when I feel slightly better the craving comes back and I'll say just one more . Silly I know .
JulieAnne101 rain40852
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You are just starting your journey on the road to recovery. Nat is right, your mind will begin to clear when the alcohol has gone. Then you can begin to tackle whatever problems you had before you started drinking. The Sinclair Method has been a lifesaver for many people and a few on this forum. Cannot urge you enough to take a look at it online. Please still see your GP tho.
Keep talking to us
Kind Regards
Nat666 rain40852
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You are very depressed Rain but alcohol is not going to cut it ,as you say it's a downward spiral but you can jump off any time if you choose , hard as it will be to start with.If you could have the rest of this weekend without the wine , things might just start to look a bit clearer by Monday ..we have all been there putting it off and putting it off but I think the light is coming on with you and you need to act on it.You are only 32 and have your whole life ahead of you .Watch One Little Pill later, it will show you there is a way forward 8
rain40852 Nat666
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Yes I will thank you . I just wish I had some idea of what I want to do with my life . It's always been a problem since leaving school . Seeing people go to uni or something else to purse what they want to do where as I've searched and searched and don't know what I can do that's realistically achievable.
JulieAnne101 rain40852
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Hi Rain why don't you look at a broad based subject like philosophy? Lots of openings in the job market if you have a degree in this subject.
Take a look at doing a foundation access course first, that's what I did. Most colleges have access courses for mature students.
My son, who is 31 started with nothing 6 years ago, took an access course into philosophy, worked hard got a 1st which surprised all of us and is now taking a 4 year law degree. What I am saying Rain, is that anything is possible, but you will have to do something about your AUD first xx
Sober_As rain40852
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Hi Rain. How are you feeling, now ? Don't beat yourself up about the wine... no point. It is done. I spent a Very Long Time doing the" feel bad, drink, feel good, feel bad, drink,.. repeat" routine. It goes on for as long as you let it.
I tried to stop, so many times. Tried to moderate, reduce, control.... failure, failure, failure..... repeat !
You are "in a storm", just now, I think. Your emotions are raw. Your disillusionment so overpowering. It is almost impossible to work a way out, almost.
Calm comes after a storm.
When you are feeling calm and stronger, you will be able to make positive decisions.
Everything is negative on the downward spiral.
Step by step, turn it around. Lie it sideways first, take stock, reflect... move along, bit by bit. Then, somehow, things can fall into place. Little by little, slowly,slowly, catchy positivity, catchy sobriety.
Onward, upward, you have a future. You are a young man with a partner and a child, you have a future to shape, to live.
You are your own destiny. You decide.
All Power To Your Will.
Alonangel 🎇
vickylou JulieAnne101
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rain40852 JulieAnne101
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Hi yes I need to be doing something worthwhile and like you said I need to stop with the drinking .
I feel that I'm killing my self and went to the shop again earlier telling myself it's the last time .
rain40852 Sober_As
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Hi I'm feeling at my worst today as I can't stop myself . This has been creeping up on me for some time as I've always thought I had a grip on it . But since January it's been out of control . My New Years resolution was to stop drinking and it's now the middle of February and it's been nearly every day . The worst I've ever been . The first week of January I told myself just have the first week . Then the 2nd and before I knew it here we are coming to the end of February soon .
I hope you are well today and have a good day .
JulieAnne101 vickylou
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Nat666 Sober_As
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Sober_As Nat666
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Hi Nat. I hope you are well and winning. Thanks for mentioning my reply to Rain. I need all the Blessings going. I am really appreciative of the thoughtful words from you.
Blessings to you, my friend.
Angel XX 🎇
Nat666 Sober_As
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Sober_As Nat666
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Yes, Nat. 40 Days - - - and the 40th night to go through.
I am so glad that TSM is working for you.
Knowing that all the alcohol is gone, from every cell in my body, is such a relief. My health is generally rubbish ! Now, at least none of my problems is self - inflicted.
I like the Healing Love... lots for you, too. XX
Angel 🎇
JulieAnne101 Sober_As
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Nat666 JulieAnne101
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Hi JulieAnne , how's it all going ? I hope hubby is ok and you are feeling less stressed .February is nearly out !😥 Everything going ok here although I feel really saddened tonight to hear the sad news of Vickylous dear friend ..so tragic
Thinking of you and all the friends on here xx
rain40852 Nat666
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JulieAnne101 Nat666
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Hi Nat yeah thank god Feb is drawing to a close. As each day passes, I feel a bit calmer. He hasn't been sober in Feb since 2014. Seems an awful long time ago. His brain has come back tho, but short term memory has been affected. No sign of black days that he had during binge.
Yeah what a tragic waste of a life for vickylous friend. Vicks did what she could. The best thing tho was getting in touch with her friends boys.
I still don't understand end stage liver failure and all that goes with it like RHGB. The patients we have with Wernicke's Korsakoff are not at end stage but do have complications arising from it. Looking thru their records, they took sometime to reach the different stages they are at. It brings it all home just how dangerous alcohol is. I will never be complacent. I even watch my own intake when I am out with friends.
So glad things are still going well for you Nat. Hope the anxiety has calmed down. I believe TSM is definately going to be the way forward for a lot of people in the future.
Yeah thinking of everyone on here as usual
Nat666 JulieAnne101
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Morning JulieAnne it's good to read that hubby is progressing well and you too are feeling less stressed End stage liver failure is a very complex process to understand.I used to work with this many years ago in a technical capacity , we were looking at how the brain was affected in patients as the liver was deteriorating .
Yes I feel very settled with TSM and don't really fancy alcohol but I still think it's early days not to be touching any .I couldn't face taking the pill and having a drink last night so not sure if thats a good thing for me or not at this stage .
I think you are right about TSM , for most people it is going to work and is so life changing it really is a it of a miracle
Nat666
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Message whizzed away before I finished..If that's what your hubby wants maybe someday he can be on the TSM journey. It's certainly less bumpy lol😥😋 xx
JulieAnne101 Nat666
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Yes looking thru patients notes, (just trying to understand) 2 of them are supposed to be at the same stage but are very different.
We did have a friend? of one of them who brought some alcohol in! We got rid of that, sharpish. I know they cannot get access to alcohol because it is a secure unit, but what about the cravings if they did manage to drink and further damage to the liver? I often wonder about that.
Hubby is still quite clear on his journey using Campral. We have had a discussion tho that he will be honest with me if the cravings return and he can't control them. If that should happen, he has said he would be ready to try TSM. That is a big step forward for him and one I am very happy with 😊 I have stopped nagging him about getting a scan, one step at a time xx
That must have been an interesting job you had.
Thinking of everyone on here as always