32 male and been seriously at the worst point in my life drinking and anxious and depressed
Posted , 9 users are following.
I've never posted on any site like this before and no one will probably even see it but if feel I need to vent how I'm feeling in some way as my long term girlfriend and my mother don't understand and apart from my daughter they are pretty much the only people I have. I've always been anxious and felt out of place with the world but after leaving my job of 13 years in a shop 2 years ago to start a new job that didn't got to well and being out of work since has led me on a path I'm scared of . I have had jobs since but I leave almost as soon as I've started as I feel already like I've been their before and feel I will be trapped like I was for 13 years in a shop the jobs feel dead ended and depressing . I've never known what I wanted to do with my life I left school with basically nothing and last year was all enrolled for uni as I thought I needed to be doing something but once again on enrolment day I backed out as the course I was doing I realised I wasn't going to be passionate about and didn't want to get into debt just to leave the course . Having not many gsces you see their are only certain courses the uni will except me on and all of them are not something that really interests me the courses that would interest me I can't get on without having 5 or more gsces and at 32 years old I can't imaging going back to college and waste years trying to get some to then apply to university and spend years at uni I'd end up being like 40 and no guarantees I would complete the course anyway or find a job. So I've become more depressed and sad I feel a failure and worthless like everyone would be better without me here . I feel sick constantly and have been drinking wine nearly every day for nearly 2 years . I deleted my Facebook account as the world nowadays annoys me everyone with their happy lives posting things that they are doing annoys me I guess I'm just jealous that I have pretty much no friends and now feel socially awkward . I can easily talk to people and am not bad looking but have never really had a proper group of friends just work people and obviously now I don't work I lost contact with those people after leaving facebook , not that anyone really cared about me on there anyway . I feel guilty buying the wine and know I'm the morning the depressions and sick feeling will be ten times worse and the guilt I feel for my daughter and girlfriend is awful . Not that they really know how bad I am . My daughter has everything she wants and is always happy my girlfriend knows I'm drinking too much and tell me to stop but it's not like I get drunk and am sick all the time I can drink and still function barley the next day but feel terrible , also I hate the state of the world and all the people in it doing bad things I have started to feel really scared to go outside even doing the weekly shop terrifies me although you wouldn't be able to tell as I put on this front were I think people may think I'm just and angry person . I get weird looks a lot and feel like people can see right through me . I don't want to commit suicide but sometimes the thoughts of not being here are so strong as I just want these feelings to go away and I see. I hope for my future at all . It's a pointless excistence . I've tried anxiety tablets in the past for months and they don't work as like I've said I've always felt anxious but not as bad as the last 2 years . I did counselling once that was just utter garbage . I have no money no job and no hope for my future and it makes me feel sick just writing this I feel it hard to fall asleep although when I do I'm at my happiest not feeling these feelings until the morning when I become conscious that feeling of dread is so bad I can't take it anymore I'm filled instantly with fear the moment I wake up and just wish I was asleep. Anyway sorry for the spelling mistakes I'm sure to have made . But if anyone out there in this lonely world does happen to read this and want to talk feel free to write back. And to all struggling out there with similar feelings I wish you can overcome the darkness as much as I wish I could .
2 likes, 61 replies
rain40852
Posted
The world just terrifies me now it's like a switch has made me afraid of going out . My girlfriend was at work earlier and texting asking if we were going to take something back to shop as she needs to exchange it . But just the idea of going out that far about 15 min drive scared the hell out of me . I told her no and she asked why ? So I told her but she just dosnt understand . She got a lift home from work as she does not drive .
Half an hour ago I ventured out ten houses down from me there is a shop I even drive there and it's maybe a 100 metre walk . And even that was nevre racking .
I'd had a bath this afternoon . And had joggers on hair a mess . I look a state as I'm stil recovering from last night .
If only I could break free from this prison and escape my own mind.
JulieAnne101 rain40852
Posted
The more alcohol you are consuming, the more anxious you are becoming.
Regards
JulieAnne
rain40852 JulieAnne101
Posted
rain40852
Posted
Not sure how much more I can take. Went do doctors last week gave me some rubbish tablets that I took years ago that never helped . Been taking them and feel sick losing weight and now more suicidal than I've ever felt . I don't think I'll be here much longer . It's not a cry for help it's just a fact . I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm just not going to be here much longer . And the thought in itself makes me feel sick .
Nat666 rain40852
Posted
Aww rain I feel so sorry you are in such a fog .You don't say what the medication is that you have been prescribed ..is this for the anxiety and depression or alcohol.As far as I am aware anti depressants take much more than a week to kick in so you need to give them chance ,however if you are still drinking heavily it is probably counterproductive
You said in you very first post you have 3 important people in your life, your girlfriend , daughter and your mum ..where does your girlfriend and mum stand in all this, are they supportive, I am sure they can't be standing by and watching you feeling so down ?
If you are feeling suicidal I urge you to get back to the doc and say what you are saying to us on here.You desperately need some help to get through this whole thing and begin to start living your life .As I think I said before, you are young with a whole life ahead of you...we only have one life and need to live it buddy
Read Alonangel's lovely post again from last week ....
Sober_As rain40852
Posted
Hey Rain, where have you been ?
Nat is correct in saying that anti-depressants take time to help. Is it anti-depressants you have been given ?
Your girlfriend and your mum will not understand how bad you feel, unless you TELL IT ALL. If you cannot say it... show them what you have posted here.
THEY LOVE YOU. YOUR DAUGHTER LOVES YOU.
Love is unconditional. Please stop putting conditions on yourself. Try to remember how to love the good self, within you.
SAVE YOURSELF from the mental torture.
Alcohol is not your friend. Alcohol can destroy you.
Your friends on this Forum CARE.
Care about yourself. You are needed. You are loved.
You can have a better life. You have life... why throw it away ?
Your life may not be all that you wish it was, but it is YOUR LIFE.
Use your intelligence positively.
Now, is a good time to start. Don't delay. START NOW.
Take care, my friend. Take time and thought too.
Blessings,
Alonangel 🎇
Nat666 Sober_As
Posted
Dear Angel
You are so right in everything you say here and you have put it so empathetically to rain.
I hope he feels able to listen to our words and get his loved ones on board , as you say they really need to know the depths of his feeling.
As the saying goes 'One Life,Live It' which is ultimately what we are all now trying to do here by overcoming the dreaded demon alcohol
I hope you are doing ok Angel .I feel very strongly that you are ..Bless you x
JulieAnne101 Sober_As
Posted
Keep talking to us Rain, dont keep it all to yourself and as angel has said talk to your family, let them in x
Sober_As Nat666
Posted
Hi Nat. I am doing OK, thanks. Today is 7 WEEKS ALCOHOL-FREE.
Tomorrow will be Day 50... I am very happy with my progress.
Just got to keep on keeping off it !
Blessings, my friend.
Angel XX 🎇
Sober_As JulieAnne101
Posted
Hi JulieAnne. It is hard to know the right thing to say. I just say what I feel and hope it may be of some help.
When I have felt despair, I would have appreciated someone being positive and hopeful for me. The feeling of being "alone" with it, is soul destroying.
Blessings, my friend.
Angel XX 🎇
Nat666 Sober_As
Posted
Ahh bless you Angel ..What a wonderful achievement , you must feel absolutely fantastic. I am so proud of you .
Well I must say Happy 50 days for tomorrow 🎂.You can do this now you know and it will get easier because you are so determined
Sending you healing vibes x
sharon7979 rain40852
Posted
You maybe should read ''alcohol lied to me'' which is a free download book. It is worth reading the whole thing i would be amazed if you didnt see some benefit in this. You do sound like you have a lot of other issues in your life...maybe see your gp again? Maybe look at doing a smaller course and build your confidence to lead up again to uni? There is hope....we all have to believe that. A few days ago i was at the worst point of my life (hiding drink all over the house, relationship in tatters) but im going to take it day by day. Its very hard at times especially for all those who are also close to you as they will also be feeling your pain. Seriously i hope things improve for both of us. But for now take small steps to try and feel better about your self and to change how you feel about alcohol. All the best