9 months later & starting day 1 again
Posted , 9 users are following.
Hi everyone! So after 9 months I am back here again. Some of you may remember my story. I binge drink secretly a few nights a week. I had come clean about it to my husband & even went to my doctor to talk about it & get some meds which unfortunately she could not provide as I live in Ireland. I was determined to get my drinking under control to stop at least secretly drinking but I failed again. I chose to just live with it for the last 9 months until again in a drunken state I broke down in front of my husband last night. He admitted he thought I had my drinking under control at the beginning but then noticed I made sure there was always vodka in the cupboard & without fail every weekend once our son was in bed I had a glass poured & this was only what he knew about I was also secretly drinking from a hidden bottle so it looked like I was drinking less.
I woke up this morning thinking okay you can do this, you have to really do it this time. That voice in my head then creeps in ah just stop for a while then you'll be able to at least keep up your social life & have a few drinks & keep your friends. This is another problem every single friend I have drinks & drinks a lot. Our friendships are based on going out & getting drunk or on holiday & getting drunk. I had even told them last year that I was going off the drink for a while to get my head straight & I they said we'll do stuff based on not drinking & it didn't happen. To do this I feel I need to change my lifestyle & maybe my friends. To be honest I love them but they are the worst people to be friends with if you want to be sober. I just don't know how to approach this- do I just disappear & concentrate on myself & my family & why do I even care about what they will think so much & how to cope with future situations where drink will be involved for me it seems like it has to be stay away
I know I have to do this for my Son I don't want him having a Mother with a drinking problem he does not deserve that. He is now 5 & the older he gets even though I don't do it infront of him he will see my hangovers & other signs. I feel I drink because nothing else gives me true pleasure & I need this to change so I can live & feel the happiness I should feel from my Son & husband. My husband yet again said he will support me even though I let him down again but I explained to him I had convinced him I was okay & as soon as he thought I was at it again to call me out on it but he told me although he was worried he said to himself she is an adult she needs to figure it out. I understand that but when I feel on my own with it it is so easy to keep drinking. I asked him to tell me did he think I should stop for good, for a while, just socially ? Where was his head at with it. He told me he thinks for good & he thinks I can do it & that I need to do it for myself. He told me I may have to give up my friends & tell my family but the more steps I take the easier it will be to face it & talk about it & to not feel the guilt anymore. I know he is right - its as plain as this I don't know if I trust myself - more so that voice that comes into my head poking at me & willing me to drink.
I came back here today as I found it did help me last time. I am hoping this is day one of beating this. Any comments I would appreciate. I can't believe this is my life & I ended up with this problem & talking on here makes me feel I am not the only one.
Thank you
Sadie Dee xxx
1 like, 25 replies
beverley50235 sadie_dee70150
Posted
Well done for taking the courage. The road to recovery take time with lots of relapses. Please take things one day at a time. Look for a local mutual aid or smart recovery group. They will give you huge support and inspiration. Write down all the reasons you want to stop.....help live longer , be there for my children, be in control of my feelings sober etc....keep it close by. Habits can change, the triggers for yours can be stopped in time. Willpower alone not enough. HOPE you find a group for support.
sadie_dee70150 beverley50235
Posted
Thanks Beverly!
The only support group I know of near me is AA & this just really does not appeal to me. In Ireland it is a support group with religious teachings attached to it. I plan on taking it one day at a time & maybe look into going to counselling I would feel better with one on one support. There are reasons in my background as to why I started drinking from being in a toxic relationship with my ex which I drank through to numb my feelings & this habit has stayed with me. The triggers I know will be the days I have to fight it. Today I feel positive & feel I can do it but the last time I had a week where I felt I was on a high at the thoughts of being sober forever & then I crashed so I know tomorrow could be very different from today.
Appreciate your reply Beverly x
keith65161 sadie_dee70150
Posted
You have the right idea. You need to stop drinking, whatever it takes, so you can be there for your son. I can speak from experience. I think I could have been there for my son, who lives with his mom, moreseo if it wasnt for my many years of drinking. We have a good relationship, but its just how i feel. Finally, after a daily drinking history of probably 25 years, I havent touched the stuff in almost 2 weeks. Its not easy....but you can do it. Use any help you can get, your husband, friends that dont drink, professional help. Just do whatever you have to to leave this demon behind. If you dont, you will wind up like me, regretting things you could have done differently.
sadie_dee70150 keith65161
Posted
Hi Keith,but
Thank you for your reply. I am sorry to hear the regret you now feel but seriously well done for not drinking the last couple of weeks I am sure it has been a struggle. At least you do have a good relationship with your son which hopefully if you continue on this road will only get better & better. It is crazy how alcohol can overtake you to this level. My husband is there to support me but is unsure how to actually help, I don't know how I feel about coming out & telling friends & feeling judged but as you say one day at a time to deal with each thing as it comes. Maybe counselling is the way to go & I think I will try this in a couple of weeks after first trying to not drink for that period first & that might motivate me. What helped you to finally stop?
Robin2015 keith65161
Posted
keith65161 sadie_dee70150
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I finally decided to quit for good (after numerous attempts prior) for 2 reasons: 1. to be there as much as I can for those that I love and love me back: my son and my girlfriend 2. for health reasons: Ive had awful acid reflux for more than 3 years that is probably due mostly to alcohol (well, and a nasty chewing tobacco habit that I gave up also), I have had alcohol induced gastritis that has become chronic from continually drinking with it and although I had bloodwork done that was normal just 2 weeks ago, I am still worried. I see doc again Monday. I have also been short of breath for months (I do have asthma). So now Im seeing a gastro doc Monday and a lung specialist Wednesday. Dont let the booze start to affect you physically, you will never have a chance to change things then.
sadie_dee70150 keith65161
Posted
Hi Keith,
They are very good reasons Keith. It sounds physically as well as mentally you have had a hard time. It's time to love & take care of yourself. I am a worrier & a couple of years ago I was convinced I must have some sort of Liver damage & got myself checked but I was fine so I continued as drinking. It's never been everyday but once I start I want to keep going. This evening I keep getting waves of anxiety at the thought of not drinking ever again - it's spo final so then I say to myself I will only drink in social occasions & not at home. Is that just the drink monster voice in my head trying to convince me of this & fast forward next time I'm out I start with good intentions but I drink myself stupid or is it that the drinking at home at the weekend is the problem & I can be normal & only drink for social reasons. These thoughts are flying through my head as I need an answer, a plan - to feel safe if that makes sense. Sorry to rant.
I wish you the best with the Gastro doc & the lung specialist this week. Each day you stay sober will improve your health - it can't get any worse now let your body heal.
keith65161 sadie_dee70150
Posted
Yes, I think everyday I stay sober my health does improve somewhat but I am 50. I hope you get off this merry go round at a much younger age then I did, cause your body will recover much better. While I did have good blood results 2 weeks ago, I still worry because that doesnt show everything. Right now I am worried about damage to my pancreas I could have done on my last hurrah 2 week binge. I guess I will start finding out next week. Please stop this ride while you are young...you wont regret it.
sadie_dee70150 keith65161
Posted
I really wish you all the best with your results Keith. Please let us know on here how you get on. I need to take it one day at a time & keep posting on here because this is where I can be most honest.
keith65161 sadie_dee70150
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Guest sadie_dee70150
Posted
Hello,
I completely understand. I have cut mine to once a week from four to five times a week. Partly, as I'm living with my sister, but that changes in a month. It will be a test for myself to see if I can stick to it. I exercise and I did so when drinking regularly, but I'm feeling the benefits now. I'm also less tempered and my sleep patterns are good, something which affected me previously. Could you take up an exercise class may be (meeting other people etc). I'm also a member of Slimming World I look forward to this on a Monday as I'm seeing familiar faces. You know the good thing about this, nobody knows my history thus, not inviting judgement. I'm just trying to keep my evenings filled. I also look forward to my workouts which prevents me drinking as I'll feel tired etc if I do so. By also cutting drink down to once a week I don't abuse it as I'm enjoying it rather than drinking for the sake of it.
I want to draw on something you mentioned in your earlier post. You mentioned how you had told your friends that you were giving alcohol a miss, yet they did not deliver what they promised. This to me is not showing support, it's the complete opposite. I would take time-out from them and see what happens. Use the support and love being offered. Even set your self little mile stones for example, gradually bringing your drinking down. You'll find that it may not interest you much.
sadie_dee70150 Guest
Posted
Hi Kerianne,
I have also cut mine down in the past & I would to yo yo between drinking twice a week to 4 times a week. I would wait all week for Sat to come & so look forward to it as that was my drinking night & then on Sun I would want to do the same & it would seek into Mon night & then I would say to myself again only one night this weekend but I would repeat the pattern. I would love to trust myself to just drink socially that would be amazing but I don't know if I can. Drink is my crutch & the only true thing I look forward to so I don't know will I ever have a normal relationship with it. Even if it's once a week the problem is once I start I don't want to stop until I fall asleep every sat night after getting drunk sitting on the couch with my husband who doesn't know I've also been drinking from a hidden bottle upstairs cause 2 or 3 drinks ain't enough it has to be a half bottle of vodka.
I do workout 5 days a week & I also am a dancer as a hobby & perform at shows etc so I have my workouts & dancing & I still drink. My dancing means I'm am also in situations when performing where drink is part of the night. I don't think my friends knew they weren't being supportive but thinking about it today drink is an enormous part of our friendship as a group & my husband pointed out to me that each of them have got personal issues going on. We have a great time together but hey we are all drinking & having fun but if I am to stop those nights won't be fun anymore it's a hard one to face up to that life do me has to change. I feel now like I'm actually trying to break up with the drink like a boyfriend who is bad for me & I know I should go but I still love him. I feel scared of letting go. I sitting with my family now after dinner & so many thoughts are racing through my head. I would love to say to my husband I'll cut down & be able to drink at home but I think we may have gone past that x
Guest sadie_dee70150
Posted
I understand. Mine was to fulfil the loneliness etc. You appear to have the life that I want - Someone who loves you, a circle of friends and to be wanted, a social life etc. May I ask your age?
sadie_dee70150 Guest
Posted
I'm 37 . I began drinking like this when I was 22 at the start of a relationship with my ex. I found him kind of uncomfortable to be around even though I liked him or maybe it was my self confidence but one night I had some wine before he arrived & I was so chilled that I kept doing it for 6 & a half years without him knowing. The relationship was very hard & he was a hard person to be with I walked on eggshells with him but in the end I left but continued to do this in my next relationship to this day which doesn't make sense to me as my husband is not my ex. For instance if I was at home by myself I wouldn't bother drinking but if he is home & it's Sat which leads in Sun I drink so I can bounce off him for company. I just can't figure out why though besides it's the one thing I truly enjoy & I relax but recently I see the enjoyment is shorter lived.
Yeah from the outside life looks good for me except for this secret.
I'm sorry to hear you are drinking to help with loneliness. How old are you ?
sadie_dee70150 Guest
Posted