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I have been addicted or as others prefer completely self reliant on pain killers. I've had in double figures lots of surgery, two of which where major and landed me in intensive care, just painting a picture to illustrate why I started taking pain killers. I started on tramidol and took 2 x 4 times a day and swapped to dihydrocodeine 30mg at 2 x 4 times a day with 2 500mg paracetamol at each dose, I recently started to take diazepam to help with depression and to relax me, I'm now reliant on these to make me sleep.
It has been 7-8 years and it has ruined my life, I am now 31 with a 2 year old (my pregnancy was the only time I came off but I took tramidol for 2 months of my pregnancy when I didn't know I was pregnant, he was born poorly and the gp has confirmed it was highly likely he was on a come down)and he really is the only thing keeping me going, I have had thoughts that I no longer want to live but id never take my life because of my son, but thinking it is just as painful. I get hot & cold sweats all the time because my body is craving something stronger, it's only self strength that has stopped me taking more, I am constantly angry, irritable, irrational and nasty towards close ones, I cannot control my behaviour it's the strangest thing but I feel utterly useless. My mental state is complete paranoia, I hate myself, I think other hate me, I think people are constantly having a go at me and I simply cannot stop the paranoia, not to mention I get the shakes all the time and feel sick, I feel like my stomach is full all the time and obviously this drug comes with constipation, I must go once a week and that's a good week! I can not sit and relax I'm always on the go because I can't just sit down, yet I can't be bothered to do anything, I had lost all interest in anything, I don't go out and I don't do anything, this was never me I have changed completely, I don't know who I am anymore!
I saw the doctor 3 weeks ago and started a reduction, I am finishing this especially difficult, I started a new job 5 weeks ago and paranoia has already kicked in! I get the shakes at work and I'm trying to hide all my symptoms, this is very difficult as I am a secretary to 3 directors I have a very busy precise role everything I do needs to be accurate and I simply cannot concerntrate. I find every day a battle with my physical and mental state, last night I couldn't get a film to work on iTunes and I burst out into tears and had a complete meltdown, it felt childish after, luckily I have a great friend who happened to text and I thought il just tell her what happened and she called me, I cried and let it out and felt better.
My reason for posting this is because I need help and advice my relationship is suffering and my life feels a million miles away from what it should be. I am however very good at disguising my problems to others, my friends/family where shocked when I wrote to them all to explain, the gp advised it would be good to tell your close friends and family to gain the support, some simply so not understand and thing I'm being ridiculous like it's just paracetamol and I can't stop taking it!
I want to come off for myself but most of all my partner as he is suffering the most, my son is the only one I hide my true self he sees me as "big momma" and I will never take my emotions out on him, so why can't i do that for my partner??? I suppose those closest to you take the hit!
If anyone has a similar story or support I would be most grateful x
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