Advice For A New Bipolar Relationship?

Hi Melissa

I dont really know where to start. Ive been with my Fiancé now for 2yrs & like you never knew anything about it before I met him. You're right when you say its a roller coaster! If he has cyclothymia that a milder version of bipolar but the moods cycle very rapidly. Which is what you've just experienced. My best friend has this form of it too.

It's really not an easy illness at all. No illness is but this can be particularly nasty in how hurtful & personal it can be. Ive had my Fiancé in the past shouting in a rage, in my face & calling me some seriously nasty things. He's stolen my medication on 4 or 5 occasions now. He 'loses' money & once spent our savings on clothes & video games.

I know exactly what you're going through atm & I know its not easy. I still go back to that place of not wanting to be another person who lets him down & leaves, to thinking I cant handle this anymore. The more you know about bipolar now the better you'll find a way to cope perhaps. Theres no cure. No matter how much they know you love them, when they flip and the aggressive side kicks in (not physically) it's like youre their worst enemy & they hate you.

Then that switch 'flips' back & you've got your partner not remembering half of whats been said or done (if anything) but knowing its bad and feeling yotally remorseful, ashamed & deeply sorry. This is genuine & each time it happens it hurts really bad. It also leaves you feeling angry, annoyed, hearbroken, confused, scared & sorry for them all at once.

Sorry if it feels like a massive kick in the teeth. I just thought you need people to be honest with you. X

I agree with all of these posts and as the one diagnosed with Bi-Polar am sorry to say that prior to medication my expectations of my husband was to cope with my ever changing moods,behaviour,antics really no matter what i threw at him.It's funny cos looking back to when we got together i knew someting in me wasn't right but it was to be 25yrs before we got my diagnosis and he put up with all manner of complete rubbish from me.Thankfully i'm on lithium & quetiapine which suit me and having been more balanced for the last 6 months as a couple we are begining to build a different kind of relationship from what was before.He would say all his defences were heightened to cope with my erratic behaviours.I guess especially on valentines day today i'm trying to give those people in relationships with partners experiencing mental health problems hope,optimism and lots of luck cos its really tough and not at all easy to deal with.

Hi i have been in an on off relationship with a bi-polar sufferer for 5 years.  Looks like its coming to an end.  It is very hard and i have been through the worst times.  I was like you and wanted to love him regardless of what he did/said (he was also violent, stole from me, lied and used to disappear for days on end).  Maybe you feel like you want to fix him or that it is your role to be there for him.  I know i did.  Ultimately i ended up having a break down, contributed by the effort i had to put in to being with him.  Don't want to sound negative but it will consume your very being and you will end up questioning every thought, feeling, conversation.  Its exhausting.  I know you love him  and maybe it is a bit exciting at the moment (bi-polar love is usually intense) but you need to decide if you can do it for the long haul. xxx

Melissa,

I'm not sure when you wrote this or if you are still with this man. BUT, I want you to know that you are not in the wrong. I'm not saying that you may not have normal relationship issues that most people have - learning to trust, opening your heart, talking about the future, feeling safe, etc. But someone with this illness is two distinct people with a stable person in between. You can not take ANYTHING the say or do personally. His cycling from saying negative things about you, himself, the world to being positive and open and dreamy - it's all part of the chemistry in his brain. 

I just got out of a relationship with a man for a year - we didn't know he had it and it still isn't officially diagnosed but his sister is bipolar and there is some question around his mom being bipolar. He is cyclothamic. The scary part is that for the entire year I blamed myself. I thought I was causing his mood swings or things I said or did were out of line or maybe if I didn't put too much pressure on him the "good" side of him would shine through. He went from hating himself and his life - feeling overwhelming emotions of irrational pain and guilt and depression for 2 weeks (sometimes hours) to total elation, inspiration, loving life, feeling connected, being optimistic about the world and his projects and me and everyone. He, like your man, had really good explanations of why these things happen - they made sense - i trusted them. but something inside of me all along said that these vast and irrational and quick contradictions were strange. 

All I want to say is read up about cyclothymia - understand what you are getting into. Realize your kids may have it if you end up having kids with him. Understand the life you are signing up for. I'm not saying it's impossible - but you absolutely 100% CAN NOT take it personally. If you are being an open reasonable and vulnerable partner - you have to ask yourself if you can handle the mood swings and constant changing of opinions and constant upset. I understand, they are mesmerizing, charming, beautiful people - the manic state and even balanced state is the most attractive man you've ever met - the feelings of pure adoration and feeling completely loved - those are alluring and amazing. And they are real. But the bad - the comments, the feelings of it being slighly off, the insensitivity, the changes, the push pull - those are real too.

Wishing you lots of self-care, love and happiness 

Dear Melissa,

Its my turn now for a long one Hee Hee.

Welcome to bipolar. I am just exactly like him and can 100% tell you, that he is doing this to hurt hmself. I do exactly the same and turn away close friends, it seems as if I enjoy hurting them, but the reality is that I am harming myself. In past 4 weeks, I have dumped Compassionate thinking therapy group (which i had really enjoyed and found very interesting), sacked my psychiatric team, which has bad consequences as now they discontinue Lithium as not fully stabilised on it. An turned away several close friends. As you mentioned sex, hypersexuality is also a big issue to Bipolars when high/manic. The name Bipolar sounds lovely and cuddly like a Polar bear, well it's not. A low is just hell and I dont know if I will survive the next one. I'm bi sexual also, so the sex thing is pretty major to me.But I will spare you the details.

So in summary, he will have dozens of thoughts racing through his mind, He has made a bad decision but really incapable of logical thinking and once made, its pretty impossible to go back. He will also, if he is like me, go yes/no yes/no cycling his thoughts and at times regretting saying no, but then convinced he was right and deep down, a deep satisfaction of self harm. That's why people cut themselves, to feel better. Did you know that suicide rates are at lest 15 times that of "normal" people. Oh, how I wish I was normal.

My advice is to tell him you still care/love him. Tell him you're not going away and that come whatever, you are there for him. that will probably work and if you are prepared to make such a major committment to a bipolar (life will have many ups but also heavy downs), then I would gladly marry you myself lol, and, I so respect that you have researched instead of writing him off as a hard work loony tunes. Mty love to both of you and good luck Marish X

 

Melissa.

I am a mother with bipolar. It is the worst disorder for hurting those you love.

I have so many ups and so many downs - no in betweens - and i am alone and lonely and have given up on everything; until the next mania cycle shows.

I hate myself. Everything about me is a disgusting disgrace.

I yearn for acceptance and compliments.

I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do with your relationship, but as you've read in other posts, it won't be easy if you stay. He has to know you love him and will never leave, no matter what, and in a way he is testing you to see if what you say is true.

I'm going to tell you something that breaks my heart, and i can't even really recall what it was, if that makes sense.

One time i was in a very depressive low and i was losing my home; i was on the brink of a breakdown -mental and physical- and was so frustrated that no-one would help me.

The house looked like a bomb hit it as i'd just lost control and threw everything everywhere. Things were smaked, there was broken glass everywhere.

I lived with my son, then 19, who cared for me because i would wander off and end up in strange places, and spend all our money on things we didn't need or want, apart from other reasons.

One night things got so bad that i threw all sorts of things. I just missed my son with a pair of scissors.

My son has cried four times in 23yrs - when we had to put our cat down in march this year, when his cat passed in may this year, when we had to put our dog down 2 days before my birthday in june this year, and the night i threw the scissors.

I can't remember what i said to him, i don't remember a lot of things, but whatever it was it broke his heart. I felt nothing.

He later told me what i'd said to him and that through everything said and done, that was the only thing that broke him to tears. Even after him telling me what it was i said, i can't remember it, and i don't want to ask because it broke his heart and i don't want him to relive that pain.

We lost the house and he went to stay with a friend from school. I slept in the car with my only friend, my dog.

I know my son loves me unconditionally but he has said he can never live with me again. That kills me but i understand.

To stay in your relationship you have to be prepared for everything and anything. Sure, the ups are amazing but the downs...total hell for everyone!

If you let him down once, it will haunt him for a very long time. He will doubt you and test you.

My only family is my son and now my only reason for getting up has passed, he knows that anything can happen, especially while i'm so depressed over our animals.

My son has not left my side because he knows the risk of doing so.

I have nothing now. There is no reason to get up to walk my dog; no reason to eat. My son understands the disorder because he has studied it, and thankfully lived thru it. He knows there is only one type of peace for me and he understands what that peace involves.

Bipolar is an exististing hell - for everyone involved.

You need to find out as much as you can about it before you make any decisions.

This is YOUR life as much as it is your partner's.

It won't be easy, but at times it will be amazing.

If you decide to stay, you need to constantly let him know how much he means to you.

You need to love him like you never thought you could or would have to, love and ignore anyone or anythinv in your life.

Love is supposed to be unconditional, but bipolar disorder tests those limits.

I lost a daughter because she couldn't accept the facts of the disease. I have not seen or heard from her for years.

I hope my some of my story has shed a little more light on what is a horrible and traumatic disorder.

Good luck.

Wow! I am 48 and reading this thread by accident, as I'm on the site for starting on citalopram, has shocked me by making me question if I am too bipolar.  We have mental illness in the family and I thought I suffered from only depression. I've even moved country away from family to avoid the feeling of craziness I was involved with. My relationships have been hell. I've always blamed the others.  I flip, no doubt. Proper flip. I can be intensely in love with someone, while they lavish me. When the messages stop, or xx at the end starts to drop off...after 6 months or so I freak out, and become obsessed with them, checking when they were online, last what's app time online...convinced they are leaving me...I panic like it's over, have a melt down, then find its all ok as they are just busy. Then when I know they are still into me, I'm thinking perhaps I can do better, and start thinking of ending it myself as I need someone who doesn't mix their signals...all in the matter of days!!  When I'm with them, I flip out and end it, walk off over stupid things...I can't help it and then break down immediately after knowing it was a flip, then I'm back to normal and expect them to forget it as I have. When they don't I'm hurt all over again.  I'm a night mare.  My current boyfriend has had anxiety in the past, we've been on and off for years, this time he's said to continue I need help, so I've started citalopram. In private, as he lives away, I'm on week 2 and having major flip out!  

It was the comment about hurting those you love, your children that made me think.  When my daughter tries to talk about her issues and how I have caused some from my past I feel so betrayed, as I have tried so hard to give her everything, I flip out nastily at her. I mean real evil and tell her I never want to see her, we are over. She's 25.  Again after I apologise and expect all to forget it. 

How is do I know if this is bipolar, or depression or if I'm just a nasty person?  

My mother suffers from depression, she has had breakdowns real severe ones and I think she is on the spectrum, my dads family have vertigo, epilepsy and autism in the family too so the gene pool was nit the greatest lol.  My dad just has never married and is 70.  He was known as a Casanova jumping from relationship to relationship, with no empathy. Some very volatile. He uses alcohol and golf to cope, he seems happy just never fulfilled unless tipsy lol then he loves everyone! 

Sorry a long one from me too. Never been so honest.  Therapeutic just writing this. 

Any outside observational thoughts very much appreciated xx

Out lives are so similar.. stay strong! I have the same questions racing trough my head. It's been a month since my boyfriend Who has BP dumped me for some one else. While I know it's manic behavior I don't think I can recover from this blow. It's been 12 long years. I think I would reach out to him but he crossed the line by being involved with someone else. I worry about him but it's nothing I think I can do at this point... he l left me as if I was old news after I have been his number one cheerleader. I wrapped my entire life around him. I hope the best for you! I hope you find resolve as well!