Advice For A New Bipolar Relationship?
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Hi all
I have just joined this site as I'm in a new relationship with someone with a diagnosed cyclothymic bipolar guy who is medicated with lithium. I'm sorry if this is too long but this is all very bizarre to me!
We have been dating for over two months now, he has been sweet, attentive, affectionate and manic which I haven't had a problem with. He's funny and silly which is great because I'm more of a reserved personality and he brings me out of my shell.
From about a month in he was desperate to tell me he loved me but I held him back because it was too soon. Two months in and I have fallen for him hard, two weeks ago he actually told me he loved me properly and last week I told him I loved him too, things turned more passionate and intense.
However, the week after this particular weekend he went quiet on me. I hadn't heard from him for two days so debated about calling him. I called him and we had a good conversation. I said to him that I hadn't heard from him and he said "I was thinking the same thing just now". He asked me if I wanted to meet him for coffee on Thursday which we've done in the past, before I go to my evening classes. For some reason, my gut feeling was that he wasn't going to turn up. I'm glad I didn't wait for him because I text him half an hour after we were supposed to meet and an hour after I got a reply saying that he was doing some gardening and completely forgot. He also apologised. I went off on one basically saying that this spoke volumes and how he hasn't bothered to talk to me even though previously he had been bombarding me with texts/calls every single day since we met. He told me to chill, that there was no agenda, he is very absent minded about these things and that with previous gf's texts became more and more infrequent when they weren't in each other's company as the relationship went on so it's not an issue of him going off me.
Anyway, I gave him a bit of grief that night about it. I asked if he was still bothered to see me. He told me of course and to stop acting like that. I went to see him on Friday and spent till this morning (Monday) with him.
Friday was great, mucking around and sleeping together like we always do. Saturday night he spent pretty much all of the day video gaming. I needed to do some work on an essay so I didn't mind this. We did it again in the late afternoon to which he went back to his gaming without even asking me if I would mind. I went downstairs and did some more work and later in the evening he came down. That night, I was feeling so frustrated that I denied him that night.
The next morning (Sunday), we got up late, I had a shower, went downstairs to do some washing up and sat down in the living room. He came down and he asked when I was thinking of leaving and I said "Why? Do you want me to leave?". His reply was "Yes, I do." He went upstairs and came back down again. And I asked him why he wanted me to go when usually he's asking me to spend an extra night with him. His response was that he wasn't feeling it anymore and didn't want to be with me. He said I was too serious and didn't like the fact I was studying psychotherapy and he fears I'm psychoanalysing him. I told him that I'm not too serious, he has only seen one side of me. I've met his friends and family but he hasn't seen me around my friends and my family and we're always over at his house, we don't go out so there's no way for him to see another side of me. I can be a fun person to be around plus he makes me silly and I'm silly with him. I also mentioned that I was planning on asking him to come with me to my friends party the following weekend as a way of seeing this other happy, fun side. As for the psychotherapy, I said to him that the therapy I was doing was couple therapy and I don't learn about mental disorders. In fact, I know hardly anything about bipolar and that this is a new experience for me too. He also said that he pretends to be this fun, upbeat person to distract away from the fact that sometimes he wants to kill himself.
I said to him I just don't understand how he can go from really liking someone to never wanting to see them again. I said to him, but you enjoy sleeping with me too? To which he laughed. I said so you don't enjoy it? And he said no. I know this is a lie because he's obsessed with me going down on him and he said I'm the best at it out of all the gf's he's ever had. We've had marathons, he's said in the past that he loves that I'm a goer, can keep up with him and he loves how the time just flies when he sleeps with me with me which implies he doesn't find it boring. The only thing I think he's had a problem with was me denying him on Saturday night and the fact that he feels he's doing all the work because I'm not comfortable with going on top. He then said, I'm a bad person, I'm not a catch, look at me, I don't even know why you want to be with me? I told him that I loved him and cared for him and that there doesn't need to be a reason for why I feel that way about him. He said to me that you can't force someone to be with them. I said yes but he's also taking away my choice. Surely it's my choice, my decision whether to love this "bad person" and that it's up to me to decide whether he's a bad catch. He then mentioned something about going on a break etc. I told him that I don't need a man but I want to be with him. He switched on the TV at this point and started laughing at something on it. Casually he said, but I know it wouldn't be the last time I would here from you, I didn't understand what he meant by this.
I sat in silence for a bit with my arms folded and a broody pout holding back the tears with him still laughing at the TV. He then, got up, came to sit next to me and said "give me a hug". I did that shy thing of saying no and eventually hugged him. The same thing happened when he said "give me a kiss". And then eventually he said, do you want to have sx? We slept together and after that he was all affectionate. He started asking me about the party next weekend and plans for Valentine's day etc. We had a marathon later that evening where he was all affectionate again. I know he has a high libido and I love this about him, it's his way of communicating. This morning (Monday) he was ok, usually he's a little bit grumpy when he wakes up, he was fairly jovial but I could sense that he wanted me to leave, sort of ushering me out saying he didn't want me to be late for work etc. I'm assuming he just wanted to play more video games! He did say "see you later" which sort of curbed my paranoia to him turning round and saying "I never what to see you again".
Anyway, my question is, does this sound fairly familiar to those of you in a relationship with someone of bipolar? I spoke to my work colleague this morning who's partner is also bipolar and she pretty much said that this was typical, of being pushed away and then held tightly, pushed away and then held tightly again. I could tell in this mood he was purposely saying hurtful things and when he returned to what I know as normal (i.e. manic), he was being really sweet and affectionate again. Last week, when I told him I loved him. A few times he asked me, do you really? Why though? etc. I'm quite an aloof type person and feel quite guarded when it comes to my feelings, I'm affectionate but have problems with lovey exclamations.
All I can think of is he doesn't believe I love him a) because of my aloofness and b) because he doesn't think anyone could love him because he's this "bad person" Also the fact that, I may have been a bit too negative with him the past week i.e. overreacting and making him feel sh*t for forgetting to meet me as well as moaning a few times about him playing video games all day (when he's already feeling sh*t). He was trying to reject me in that moment despite all the wonderful moments we've had together. I'm guessing he felt that my negativity may mean me thinking about breaking up with him so decided to test me by pushing me away. It was better for him to reject me than for me to reject him.
I don't understand how he could do a 180 so rapidly going from not wanting to ever seen me again to thinking about what we'll be doing next weekend.
I want to communicate to him that I have never met or been with anyone with bipolar. I have little knowledge about it. I want to learn not because I find him a case study but because I love and care for him. I don't care if he's a "bad person" or a "loser" because I've seen enough good things to know not to take the "nastiness" to heart. We all have flaws and his disorder may mean he has more than the average person but I don't fall for people so easily and I have with him and want to make this work. I expect him to push me away at times, I can accept that he'll want space but I can't handle him saying that he'll never want to see me again when he thinks that's what's best for me. He said something quite vague and unclear after our discussion on Sunday, "Let's see how much resolve you have". I didn't know what he was referring to and didn't ask but I think he's referring to my being with him as before he's mentioned that "being with me is not easy". I certainly know it's a rollercoaster!
Also, how do you think I should take it from here? Should I attempt to meet him for a quick coffee on Thursday to see how he's doing? Or wait to meet on the weekend? I think it might be best to meet him on neutral gorund after this heavy weekend.
How do I communicate to him how I feel about him?
How do I handle a next mood?
1 like, 19 replies
nick94954 melissa333
Posted
Wow
Thank you for this message firstly.
Very similar situation. He has recently told he will never give what I need and it breaks my heart. I think he forgets our conversations most of the time and told me 2 months after dating. I just feel he couldn't hide it from me.
He cares for me I don't doubt it but I fear if he's without positive influence he may slip deeper into this bi polar label he has been given. He drinks to self medicate himself and helps him sleep so he says. I believe he's rather be alone than fight with himself to try and be in a relationship.
What a brutal disease! I want to be with him but understand this might be the best for me and my children.
I will support him anyway I can. He's not used to having a strong female that looks at his asserts than his liabilities.
Prayers and hugs
sharon50601 melissa333
Posted
i tried so hard with a bi polar ex , it just made me more depressed ,sad angry, not trusting what they do when u don't see them. this point was the ender. as I was right not to trust. he was forever looking for female attention, anyone, didn't care , once he got a thrill.and it fed his ego. as I'm not big on all calls n texts , it dwindled and I was glad. I have so much to deal with on my own, I was not up for chasing him around to keep tabs on him. there is no way I trust a bi polar man again, too manic , at beginning and always expecting sex on tap. made me feel used , unloved and insecure . not good for your own mental health. u will have to be strong. and expect to the unexpected .just my pennies worth, and what I learned from trusting and been honest and blindly wanting it to work out. never again.
devin78484 melissa333
Posted
I have been with this beautiful young woman for 10 months and 5 days and we have talked about her being diagnosed with a BP Illness. I’m not sure what type she is tho but throughout our relationship we have been perfectly fine beside my anxiety getting in the way of us going places sometimes but we have been working on that together a lot lately and has been going well. This woman is the love of my life and I am willing to do anything for her. I love her so much.
Sorry. So six days ago I stayed the night at my girlfriends house and we went out and got a bath bombs and chilled in the tub all night for our anniversary and everything was fine but she was coming off of old med and onto new ones.( another doctor said that taking somone off of the drug she was on is like being addicted to heroin and just completely stopping.) so I knew she was unstable at the time but the next morning when we were thring to figure something out to eat for us (keep in mind I am really picky when it comes to food) and she wanted to go to this one place but the only thing I eat there is a bagel.( yes I’m that picky sadly) so I said no I’m okay you can just stop but McDonald’s and get me something to eat then. Then it went quite in the kitchen and I went to her room to change into so warmer clothes because it was pretty cold. ( she was in the kitchen doing laundry at this time.) she got mad and went into the bathroom and started throwing things at the tub. I ask if she’s okay and she says no . I ask what’s wrong and she said you walked away from me when I was talking to you (but I DID NOT Know she was talking to me.) I said I didn’t know you was talking to me and I said I am sorry for walking away from you. I could just tell she was agitated at everything and I said I was just going to go home for the night to give her some space for the night. She said okay and took me home and seemed fine at the time.
Later that night I got a call from her saying she was in the hospital because she was feeling weak and was having suicidal thoughts and that they were going to take her to a mental hospital. She gave me the information to get ahold of her and stuff while she’s in there and was fine with me trying to keep me up cause I was pretty upset thinking it was my fault she is going there. ( I have pretty bad anxiety and depression) so the first day she called me in the morning before I went to work and we talked for 20 mins cause that’s the longest that she is able to be on the phone. I ended up crying at the end of the call and then we hung up. I got 3 more calls with her and they were going great besides my break downs before we hung up. So On the fourth day was visiting day and we talked in the morning on the phone before I went to work again and everything sounded fine so we hung up and i dint cry cause we both was happy to see each other. So I go to visit her and when there she only talked to her sister and barely mad eye contact with me she said one thing to me throughout the whole time and that was when I started to break down and she asked if I was okay and I said no I just really miss you and she said it’s okay I’ll be out soon and then asked if she can talk to her sister for the last five minutes and I said yes then we said our byes and I left and started breaking down again. Later that night I got a call from her saying that she has been going to group therapy and thinks we should break up because she is stressed trying to fix me.then said she will talk to me when she gets ou. I say okay and we hung up ( I ended up busting up both of my hand cause I broke down because it’s my fault she’s there)
So earlier today (5th day) I called her just to see how she was and how her day was going and then she told me that I am similar to her mom and thinks we should just take a break.(her mom wasn’t too good of a parent when she was growing up because she was dealing with thyroid issues and wasn’t there for her) I said okay just know that I’m here for you and I love you and then she said she had to go to group so we said bye and hung up.
I don’t believe It is fair to judge me off of her Mom just because I don’t like going to places sometimes or we have trouble finding something to eat. I have recently got pills for anxiety and depression and I will be working on that. I just have no idea what to do ( I mean we are still going to call each other while she is there but when she gets out she said she wants her space form everyone and I said okay if that’s what you want than that’s what we will do and i told her I love her and that I’m not leaving her like this and that I’m here for her.) I love this girl like crazy she is my world and will do anything for her.
Any advice please
LCMS0516 melissa333
Posted
While he definitely sounds like he has the rapid-cycling aspect of Bipolar Disorder. For him to be thinking of suicide at times. I think he has Biplar-1. Because the mania is far more severe than those with Bipolar-2.