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Advice on maintaining a friendship

Posted , 7 users are following.

clairem1436
clairem1436

Hi all

Any advice and ideas you can give me will be appreciated.

So I met a guy at the end of last year on a website. We messaged and seemed to connect straight away. Let me just say we were both married at the time, honest with each other about it and can honestly say it was a friendship first and foremost.

We messaged daily, got closer, swopped pictures of our kids, selfies, talked on the phone and seemed to just grow important in each others lives.

The guy told me he had bipolar from the start, was completely open about everything in his life in fact and shared things that i knew he didnt share with anyone. A couple of times over the first 4 months he had times were he said he was getting low but always seemed to be able to talk to me.

We went to meet up a couple of times.First time he pulled out at the last minute, told me he was afraid I would be disappointed in him.

Second time he crushed his hand at work the day of the night we were going to meet and couldn't drive. I genuinely believe we were both as eager as each other to meet and talked openly that night about our feelings. We realised that we had got really close and maybe meeting not the best idea, neither of us wanted to risk doing anything stupid.

We backed off but then realised we missed each other and our strange friendship continued.

At the end of April I left my husband (not for this guy) and coincidently he attempted to sort his marriage out. Again we agreed to back off from each other but it only last a few days. Although I was single by then, I would never have suggested he leave his wife, he has two small children, and yes feelings were there but it was never about physical relationship.

So mid May he went away to a wedding with his family for a week. We didn't message and when he got back he was quiet for a few days. When he did message he told me he had got really low, had had a mild psychotic episode, told me not to worry but that he needed time, that he cared but not to get upset if he didnt message as much and was seeing professionals and on a new tablet.

Here is were I guess I need advice or other opinions.

After it happened I read up on bipolar, tried to understand it. I still messaged him, told him I was there for him. Tried to carry on as normal with my daily messages even though I knew he wouldn't respond to them. And just in general be a friend still.

Occasionally he will message back with how he is doing, which is always - okay, trying to be normal as I can.

The only time over the weeks he has actually asked any questions is about my love life which he takes a great interest in????? (Jealous or afraid I'll move on)

So am I doing the right thing or should I give him space ? (He won't say either way)

Is this time scale normal for an episode? ( he told me before that his normally only last 2 weeks)

Am I the reason this has happened or at least part of the problem??

Is it likely that this will change him or when he is back to normal will we carry on as friends??

Is it that he just dosent care at the moment or even cares to much??

I want to be there for him but am afraid that one day he will just cut me out of his life.

Is it likely to happen?

I guess part of me wants reassurance and part of me wants to arm myself with information from people who know what he is going through

Sorry I just don't have anyone I can ask for help. My friends just think he is playing with my emotions and tell me to cut him out of my life. Maybe he is, but from what he told me I don't want to believe that.

Thank you to anyone who can help x

0 likes, 27 replies

27 Replies

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  • Duchess2016
    Duchess2016 clairem1436

    Posted

    Stay away. Bipolars are notorious liars. My bipolar ex husband use to tell all untruths about me. In fact a prostitute he was messing with called me and yelled at me that I am a terrible mother and wife. I stink in bed so he needs to go get laid.. So stay away and don't believe one word.

    • sharon12462
      sharon12462 Duchess2016

      Posted

      Excuse me that's not true at all... I never lie ..I'm to honest for my own good.. u shouldn't say things like that .. is he the only bipolar you know? Maybe he's just a born liar..makes more sence

    • clairem1436
      clairem1436 Duchess2016

      Posted

      Thank you for your reply Duchess

      It must have been a horrible experience for you and maybe you are right and this guy has played me all along and I'm going to end up getting hurt. But I have to agree with Sharon maybe your ex was just a liar and the bipolar not the factor. Hope you moved on to better x

    • Duchess2016
      Duchess2016 clairem1436

      Posted

      Well my ex husband was a maniacal bipolar. His mania was so bad and lasted so long he was delusional. I read bipolars who experience this high intensity mania can become schizophrenic. Some bipolars tend to be depressed and mania only in short duration
    • pistal666
      pistal666 Duchess2016

      Posted

      You, Duchess2016, are ignorant and sound arrogant, what a fantastic mix. Sounds like you ex got away just in time.
    • deb44437
      deb44437 pistal666

      Posted

      To right pistal & well said..  Im bipolar & it appears that Im NOT the one who is 'DELUSIONAL' here Duchess!!!!!!!

    • clairem1436
      clairem1436 mjmental

      Posted

      Can I ask you mjmental. Would you be honest no matter what. Even if it meant hurting someone? Or if you were in a down period would you just not even care enough to bother? I think that is what I can't get my head around. So same question to everyone. And sorry if I seem so clueless. But is it really that hard when you are in a depression period to even reply to messages or make decisions?? Thanks guys x

    • mjmental
      mjmental clairem1436

      Posted

      Hi Claire, I did say I'm honest but I'm not perfect or cruel. I someone asked me something and the truth would hurt I would have to ask myself if the person needed to know the truth. I would not let a friend walk around in something that made them look awful yet if they asked me if they looked fat I would say know or maybe advise them to check out a gym. It just depends on a lot of factors.

      I don't like to lie it causes me anxiety. I don't like being lied to and off I'm lied to the trust it's gone.

    • clairem1436
      clairem1436 mjmental

      Posted

      Hmmm yes I guess a lot of factors come into play. And I guess asking one bipolar person to know how another reacts is a stupid thing to do.

      I asked him right from the start of this depression episode if i should stop messaging, if things that I use to send now would just annoy him but he just seems unable to be straight with me. Maybe that is my answer

      I think I'm just trying to harden my heart for the day when he tells me he know longer wants me in his life.

      As always thanks for your time x

  • sharon12462
    sharon12462 clairem1436

    Posted

    Hi Claire I can relate to him alot.. I met up with an ex ..Ist time I let him down the next time I really pushed myself to go.it was nice. After that tho I started letting him Down again last minute because I did try to go but I couldn't. He stopped bothering with me after that, which I didn't blame him & in a way I was relieved. Having bipolar is really hard to socialise at most times. I think maybe sit back let him reach out to you now. If he wants to he will in time. I find bipolar a pretty lonely life which you get used to & dnt feel the need to have any1 in your life anymore. The meds I am on give you no sex drive at all, ?most Ad meds are the same .. so maybe that could be another factor.

    I wish you luck

    • clairem1436
      clairem1436 sharon12462

      Posted

      Yeah part of me know s your right Sharon, I've told him often enough that I am here for him. I think until now he has had a handle on it and this last episode has thrown him for six. I know that there are only a hand full of people who know about his condition and he keeps a mask up to everyone else.

      He always told me how insecure and unloved he feels and how much pressure he feels under.

      I guess I feel if I take a step back he ll see me as another person who dosent care but then when ever I message I wonder if he just sees me as another thing he has to deal with, along with actually just getting out of bed and trying to act normal to his kids and those around him who don't know.

      We message on whatsapp so I know he always reads my message s pretty much straight away.

      It's just really hard to care about someone when your not sure if they want you too

      But thank you for your reply. Hope that life is treating you well at the moment x

  • pistal666
    pistal666 clairem1436

    Posted

    Have you ever video chatted with this guy?

     

    • pistal666
      pistal666 clairem1436

      Posted

      Sounds like a catfish. You seem to be a very carring person, be careful with sharing your feelings with this chap. The reason that he said that you might be dissapointed with him is because he is not who/what he says he is. If he's on fb, check out his friends list. If on the other hand he is genuine, the length of episodes varies from person to person. But I urge you to check out this guy properly  before you start to feel for him. If he won't video chat (I guess he has said he has no web cam, or its broken?) Ask for a picture with him holding a random object of your choice. I hope that he turns into a real friend, but please be cautious. 

    • clairem1436
      clairem1436 pistal666

      Posted

      Thank you for your concern

      I'm not really worried that he isn't who he said he is. Right from the start he was very open, so much so that I did do a bit of digging. And to be honest video messaging never really came up from either of us.

      I think it's that openness form all those months that throws me now. It's like he has completely changed.

      I am open hearted I guess that's why I haven't just walked away but I will try to be more cautious x

    • mart2706
      mart2706 clairem1436

      Posted

      Same here. Exactly same here. From 4500 texts every day and dinners, lunches, pints, to almost nothing, except than when he feels lonely or down he texts me he misses me and now I know I need to be there in that moment. 

      In a certain way he changed but he doesn't notice that, while you, outside of his mind, notice it instead. 

      And I can imagine you feel lonely, armless, ashamed and you probably don't understand why he can do something similar. Talk with him, tell him how you feel. 

      I decided to don't walk away, but it's difficult. Hope you will find your way to accept the situation...

    • clairem1436
      clairem1436 mart2706

      Posted

      Thank you again

      It does make it easier to know that I'm not alone.

      I feel for anyone with this illness, to struggle like they do must be so difficult.

      But it's hard to be a friend and to realise that being a friend to a bipolar person will sometimes mean being there and not getting anything back.

      I genuinely think this guy is worth it. But I think I'll have to developers a thicker skin xx

    • pistal666
      pistal666 clairem1436

      Posted

      Sounds like most friendships wink. I have no doubt you would be a good friend. Good luck.

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