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Advice on maintaining a friendship

Posted , 7 users are following.

clairem1436
clairem1436

Hi all

Any advice and ideas you can give me will be appreciated.

So I met a guy at the end of last year on a website. We messaged and seemed to connect straight away. Let me just say we were both married at the time, honest with each other about it and can honestly say it was a friendship first and foremost.

We messaged daily, got closer, swopped pictures of our kids, selfies, talked on the phone and seemed to just grow important in each others lives.

The guy told me he had bipolar from the start, was completely open about everything in his life in fact and shared things that i knew he didnt share with anyone. A couple of times over the first 4 months he had times were he said he was getting low but always seemed to be able to talk to me.

We went to meet up a couple of times.First time he pulled out at the last minute, told me he was afraid I would be disappointed in him.

Second time he crushed his hand at work the day of the night we were going to meet and couldn't drive. I genuinely believe we were both as eager as each other to meet and talked openly that night about our feelings. We realised that we had got really close and maybe meeting not the best idea, neither of us wanted to risk doing anything stupid.

We backed off but then realised we missed each other and our strange friendship continued.

At the end of April I left my husband (not for this guy) and coincidently he attempted to sort his marriage out. Again we agreed to back off from each other but it only last a few days. Although I was single by then, I would never have suggested he leave his wife, he has two small children, and yes feelings were there but it was never about physical relationship.

So mid May he went away to a wedding with his family for a week. We didn't message and when he got back he was quiet for a few days. When he did message he told me he had got really low, had had a mild psychotic episode, told me not to worry but that he needed time, that he cared but not to get upset if he didnt message as much and was seeing professionals and on a new tablet.

Here is were I guess I need advice or other opinions.

After it happened I read up on bipolar, tried to understand it. I still messaged him, told him I was there for him. Tried to carry on as normal with my daily messages even though I knew he wouldn't respond to them. And just in general be a friend still.

Occasionally he will message back with how he is doing, which is always - okay, trying to be normal as I can.

The only time over the weeks he has actually asked any questions is about my love life which he takes a great interest in????? (Jealous or afraid I'll move on)

So am I doing the right thing or should I give him space ? (He won't say either way)

Is this time scale normal for an episode? ( he told me before that his normally only last 2 weeks)

Am I the reason this has happened or at least part of the problem??

Is it likely that this will change him or when he is back to normal will we carry on as friends??

Is it that he just dosent care at the moment or even cares to much??

I want to be there for him but am afraid that one day he will just cut me out of his life.

Is it likely to happen?

I guess part of me wants reassurance and part of me wants to arm myself with information from people who know what he is going through

Sorry I just don't have anyone I can ask for help. My friends just think he is playing with my emotions and tell me to cut him out of my life. Maybe he is, but from what he told me I don't want to believe that.

Thank you to anyone who can help x

0 likes, 27 replies

27 Replies

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  • mart2706
    mart2706 clairem1436

    Posted

    Hi Clairem1436, you seem a lovely person indeed but how they said before: be carefully and be sure about this guy. Feelings are awesome but if they are for the wrong person can be tragic. 

    I'm living almost your same reality (well not wife and children involved) and I see in your difficuties my own difficulties, this is why I really care to answer to you. 

    Being present for someone is not easy, and I'm experiencing that being present for someone with a bipolar disturb, especially if at the beginning, it's even more difficult. Sometimes they just need their spaces because they need to understand how to react. Do not think is your fault, please. It's not. 

    It's even true that the reality is that they need to want your help and sometimes they don't. 

    My bestfriend is a bipolar and happens to him to disappear for days. In this very moment he disappeared since yesterday morning, when before he was more than present. Long story short: if you want to be there for him you need to accept this and the negative aspects of this. It's not easy, I'm still suffering for his lack of attentions and presence and his sellfishness and I still don't know how to react in the 90% of the situations. Be ready. Don't judge yourself. 

    You told him you'll be there for him and I'm afraid there is not much more you can do.

    I'm learning that stability is really important for someone with a bipolar disturb (please anyone fell free to tell me I'm wrong!) and maybe you jumped into his world bringing a little bit of instability in his family and situation and this is stressing him out. Any siuation is different though so don't take this like true, it's just a supposition!  

    I hope both of you can find your own place regarding each other. Keep going being present for him even if sometimes this does mean stay away or being frustated: for him is more difficult. 

    But please, going back to the beginning, check this guy! 

    • clairem1436
      clairem1436 mart2706

      Posted

      Thank you

      Like I said before I'm not worried about his identity.

      But you made a valid point, I do blame myself for maybe saying the wrong thing, or that i make him feel worse.

      And when I send a message does he even cares that I do or just sees it as an annoyance he could do without.

      I try to not put any pressure on him to reply but it is frustrating when he dosent to something normal. Then randomly asks if I'm sleeping with anyone.

      I think your also right about the stability in his life, a lot of what he has told me about his home life indicates it's the thing that holds him together and even though he seemed okay with us talking for a few months maybe it dosent help now.

      I guess for now I'll go with my instinct, people's advice on here ( it really does help) and play it out for a few more weeks.

      Hopefully if he dosent want me in his life he ll find the courage to tell me rather than just cutting me out of it.

      Thanks for taking the time to reply. And you stay strong x

  • deb44437
    deb44437 clairem1436

    Posted

    Hi clairem.  After reading your post, my heart went out to you.  Im also really suss about this guys idendity & 'catfish' came into mind immediately.  Is he using mental illness as a tool to cover his own back?  OMG, seriously, the warning bells are ringing loud & clear on this guy.  I would be very much on guard if he refuses video chat.  You seem like a lovely lady, kind, thoughtful & caring.  So who is this guy who keeps running off to hide, finds any amount of excuses to bail out meeting you in the real & how old is this guy that wont reveal his identity? Is he a 'she'?  PLEASE be careful sweetone..   Ps; Im also bipolar & take an offence to a post you received   'Bipolars are notorious liars'??  Sad when people slam ignorance instead of fact..        Good luck hun.   Please be careful xx

    • clairem1436
      clairem1436 deb44437

      Posted

      Aww thank you deb44437

      It's been nice to know that there are people out there that care enough to comment.

      He is definitely not a she, we ve spoke on the phone and i've seen his photo driving licence and loads of personal photos. Honestly I'm not concerned with his identity.

      He told me that I try to understand him and I think that is what I have been trying to do. Find a reason for his actions. I'm not being ignorant, just never. I just think for someone to experience bipolar for the first time it's hard not to assume blame, hurt and anger. At first I wanted to understand why this sweet, funny open guy suddenly shut down on me. But research and people's advice are helping me to realise I can't change the situation or him. It's if I can deal with the fact that this is his reality.

      Take care too x

    • deb44437
      deb44437 clairem1436

      Posted

      Gorgeous girl,  You honestly do not have to find a reason for his actions, its HE who is finding reasons for his excuses.  Im only assuming this guy started shutting down on you because the heat was on.  No longer did you have a reason not to see him as you became seperated.  He knows you have the freedom to meet with him anytime.  Now he is running & his fun is not like it was when it first began.  OMG, I could cry for you darln.  This guy is playing a horrible game as everything is not adding up nor is his excuses.  Sure, I am bipolar & Im a strait out when it comes to voicing my opinion.   Some times I pay for it by not keeping  my mouth shut  BUT its truth & no holding back.   Be careful baby doll  PLEASE xxx

    • clairem1436
      clairem1436 deb44437

      Posted

      I will and hearing everyone s opinions wasnt what I expected but is giving me a lot of thinking to do.

      If it is a game to him then it's a pretty cruel one because he is not getting anything out of it other than hurting me.

      Believe me there is more factors and if it wasn't for them I would be running as far away as I could now.

      I'm gonna take a step back, not message for a bit and listen to what my inner voice tells me.

      Xx

    • deb44437
      deb44437 clairem1436

      Posted

      FANTASTIC plan.  You are to nice to be hurt 'again'    Well, you have a good back -up squad since you posted.  Loads of love to you gorgeous gal xxx  

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