Am I back to SQ 1?

After everything has settled down tonight and you and your wife are alone, my advice would be to confide in her, and tell her exactly what you are going through.

We often exclude our partners from our most intimate of fears and experiences, but I believe that a problem shared is a problem less,

Why not try it?

If it is any consolation to you, I have confidence in your complete recovery.

Best wishes

Rod

You hit a tough subject.  I thought I was pretty good at keeping my bad cycles hidden but I was wrong.  This selfish condition is easily detected by your loved ones.  Some try and act like they don't see it, thinking it's helping you.  It's better to just lay it out there.  My wife knows when I'm having a bad time, and it's not just outward situations when we're driving somewhere and I gotta go back home and cancel something or leaving a restaurant to lay in the car while my wife gets the food put in togo containers.  They know, and simply saying; "I'm having a rough day today, but I'm working through it." can put that worry behind you and frankly, my wife knew every time anyway...  Really, hang in there, and yes it gets better for longer and longer periods. 

On a side note.  I used alcohol for years thinking it was just for pleasure.  Never late for work and such but in discussions with my doctor it's believed I was self medicating with alcohol to treat my anxiety and sleep apnea.  Alcohol and sleep apnea, now there's a dangerous pair.  I don't drink anymore because of the meds but I do miss a regular beer (I drink a no alcohol beer now and again) and especially the smell and taste of Johnny Walker.

Ah yes,the dreaded Johnny Walker, a familiar name that carries all sorts of nasty overtones of the past for me too. Glad to hear that you have shown him the door.

Been there, done that and got the Tee shirt too - anxiety too.

There is no substitute other than to adopt a 'bloody-minded I will not give in' attitude to this problem.

I know that you will come out of this Jim and win, so don't give in before the battle is won.

Thank you. Sometimes it's second by second and then there's blessed times where I look back and realize I hand not dealt with anxiety for a few days. They're rare, but I feel darn great when I recognize it.

How are you fareing? Does it ever go away completely? Can you get back to a "normal" life?

Nice one Jim! I've told the Mrs, she told me she could tell this morning..

My anxiety latches onto Julia and I think all sorts of things, but I'm not too bad now, might take a few days to pass but I'll get there. Gonna ask psychiatrist to prescribe something I can take if I get a bout of acute anxiety as only got a couple of diazepams which I haven't touched for weeks, but had one (split into 2 halves), kept one for tomorrow, but could do with emergency supply. N

Good thought.  I'm not a benzo supporter but sadly it's the best they have available for quick results.  I had a terrible setback in my worst times because of the use of benzo's at the prescribed rate.  Scary situation and changed my behavior and actually had me dark thoughts most of the time.  I now only use benzos on an as needed basis.  I use them rarely but I do have a large supply and it's actually comforting knowing that.  I haven't had to get a refill for a couple years because my doc wrote a prescription for Ativan (Lorazapam) at up to 4 - 1mg tablets a day for a whole year.  I refilled them at 90 day points or 360 pills four times.  I have a supply but I don't use much at all.  My nurse-practicioner I see now recommends using it more frequently for situations that I know are going to be tough (going into buildings, MRIs, etc.).  She also wants me to use it when my anxiety level is up even though I haven't had an attack.  Her thinking was to stave off a bad attack by a prevention pill.  I haven't, and only use 1/2 mg when I'm at the point of "can't take it anymore," followed later in the day if things aren't going better.  In the past two years I've probably averaged 2 - 1mg tablets a week.  During some bad cycles I use more, and then none for a few weeks.  I'm very wheary about addiction because I've felt a piece of that hell, and it actually made the anxiety worse to boot.  The problem with benzo's as well as any addictive drug, is if your body gets used to it, then you have to take more to get the same relief.  I force myself not to take the Ativan over long spans (unless I'm really in bad shape) to ensure no chance of a repeat.  My nurse isn't worried even at the 4 mg per day and will refill the prescription as I need it.  I'm not as adventerous as to go that route again. 

I don't know if you've read about Stevie Nicks from the band Fleetwood Mac, but she had a terrible problem with anxiety.  She was also addicted to Cocane.  She was prescribed multiple benzodiazapines like ativan, xanax, klonopin, and valium.  She said she lost many years of her life and was basically in a stooper because it was easier to add more benzo's to stay ahead of the "bad" then to deal with it.  She finally got sober and off the benzos.  If you read her story it's profound.  She said getting off cocane was nothing.  A short time and you're clean, but the benzos was a long, long, terrible, scary fight.  The toughest thing in her life.

Long story short, I had to take an ativan this morning, and it's also probably why I'm on this website today.  My anxiety was way up and going into an attack so I took the ativan.  I read the blogs to try and find something new someone might be using to battle anxiety so I can discuss with my nurse.  I'm very in charge (good or bad) with my own health now.  The fact is 8 years ago there wasn't much information that I could relate to my anxiety.  Today it's much different and I can relate to even the most severe stories.  There's comfort in knowing I'm not alone and also to hear some of the folks who are better discussing how they got through the tunnel.

Hi Jim, the answer to your question in my case is 'yes' but it took a long time and a lot of persistence on my part.

The first stage was giving-up the 'hard stuff'. That in itself did not totally get rid of my anxiety problems, but it did become less of a problem, only striking at me when there were unexpected issues of extreme pressure in my life.

Over a while I learned when to expect problem when certain scenarios occurred, so I created a silent mantra telling myself that I was perfectly normal and anyone else would probably struggle under the same circumstances. 

The recovery times became less and less, and today I just take everything in my stride and live a normal life.

I do believe that the 'mantra' habit became an almost unconscious process, so I really don't know if today at stressful times it kicks-in without me knowing about it but I'm ok though.

 

Cheers Jim, my psychiatrist has given me Clanazopam to take when necessary, only 0.5mg (given me 14), it's less addictive than Diazapam.

im acutely aware of the addictive nature as such I treat them with total respect which is why my GP is happy to prescribe despite he having a very addictive personality, he and my psychiatrist trust me not to abuse them.

Yesterday appears to be a blip but still feeling it today so hoping over next day or do I'll settle down again. N

I'd like to hear more about the mantra you're talking about if you don't mind.  What exactly to you focus on?  How long?  Is it repetitious?  How would I set myself to try?

The best thing for me (this will sound strange too) is building a dome.  I'm sure some phych doc could explain why it works to some degree; changing the worry-some thoughts, a sheltering feeling, and calming the physical symptoms maybe.  I think it's more to do with my desire to build things.  I've always been facinated with geodesic domes.  I want to cover my entire property so it becomes a giant green house.  My house sits on a fair size piece of land and doming it would be an adventure.  The huge benefit this time of year would be no snow shoveling.  Not that it's too hard with a snow blower but it's not fun either.  Thinking about materials to use, how to construct the foundations, using a bucket truck to add the covering, etc., etc., etc.  It puts me into a happy place.  Who knows, someday I might just build it.  I live on agricultural zoned land so most code requirements don't apply if it's for livestock or farm equipment.  I'd stretch that rule book to it's limits...

I did get a copy of Lucinda (forgot the last name) DVD/CD/workbook on attacking anxiety.  It was work and I have to admit it has helped.  There's meditation exercises and basically teaches you how to change your thinking.  I'm only on week 5 but it has helped.  I think the set retails with the extra videos for around $600, but I was lucky enough to pick it up at a used book store for $34.  I'm guessing whoever originally bought it wasn't impressed from the get go because all but the first CD was still in the wrapper, including the work book.  Sadly, my first thoughts were the person had bad anxiety and gave in because as we know this condition is no joke.  Hopefully, it just wasn't for them and they moved to a different approach.

Jim

Good deal and it sounds like you have a real plan for and a healthy caution of the benzos.  In my mind you couldn't be set up any better for success.

I'm seeing more light in my travels in the anxiety tunnel but for some reason this morning I, like you, had a little blip too.  At the time it didn't seem little, but I'm still alive and feel better and pretty much went on with business as close to usual as possible so now so I guess I'll call it a victory.  I know it'll take a couple days to be fully free but it's liveable.

You know I'm always looking for new ways or reasons for my anxiety because in my eyes, if you don't know what's causing it, how do you plan to battle it and win?  My wife had thyroid issues and it was really making her feel terrible.  I read up on it and it's amazing that thyroid can cause anxiety, as well as a host of other symptoms.  This morning in the throws of the "near" full-blown attack, I tested my blood sugar.  It was a little high but I think it was because I lost concentration and actually stuck the test stick in backwards and may have mucked up the machine a little.  I don't have diabetes but I bought a cheap tester (and a BP monitor) to see if those were affected by a panic attack.  Nope.  Strange because when I feel bad, I'm sure it's physical too and no real changes to either blood sugar or BP.  My heartbeat used to speed up but since I've been on the beta-blocker, nothing there either.  Nuts of an explanation, and not what I would've expected, but I had to know.

Jim

My matra, oh yes it served me well:

Basically it goes like this:

IDTDDNH

Ill - pill

Despair - rare

Tired - rewired

Doubt - without

Depressed - rest

Nervous - baseless

Hardship - get a grip

It worked for me as it made me really thaink about what was going on and how I should regard it.

PS Its so long since i've used it I forgot

Afraid - Home made

Thank you.  I've never heard of it, but makes sense.  The anxiety I'm doing has cards you carry around that focus on several things each week.  The first was what to do in case of a panic attack.  I kept repeating weeks and didn't progress because my goal was to complete all with acceptable results before moving on.  Back when I started it I was too far gone and reading a card was out of the question while going through an attack.  I think I'll relook the cards and try to make up my own mantra.  I've found every little triumph helps.

Jim

In my case it worked because each time I looked at a card the answers staring back at me were succint and humerous.

When your'e 'ill - take a pill' etc., etc 'depressed - rest', 'hardship - get a grip', and the best one of the lot I thought 'afraid - home made'.

Much better than the standard pre-determined ones supplied which didn't help me at all.

Your idea of making-up your own cards is excellent. Just try to remember to keep it short and to the point, because when we are in the middle of an anxiety attack we have little time to focus on long sentences.

Good luck Jim.

Thank you.  And yes it's tough for me to focus or read during an attack.

Jim

I know only too well Jim as I was there for long enough. All the more reason to keep the cards simple (and humerous if you can).

Rod