Am i weird or depressed ?

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hello and my name is daisy..

I didn't have a dad growing up my mum was very pysically and mentally abusive to me...but I was spolit as in she would buy me lots of presents for christmas ...but no one actually knew what was going on behind close doors, she use to bully me and, bite me spit at me try strangle me and just hit me and mark me over nothing, she constantly called me names and would tell me how thick I am, I wasnt clever in school and she hated the fact I had a really bad concentration spam. she hid my ipod before and made out I lost it and battered me and a month later I found it hidden in the top on the cupboard. I wasnt allowed to go out without makeup as she would say im not prettier enough and then when i would put some on she would say its to much and drag me by hair to the toliet and scrub it off with tissue. I was really close to my nan but she passed away at 14 by 15. 

By 15 my mum had kicked me out I lived in a hostel for two years..then moved about, shes never tried to mend things with me she has never gone out of her way to see if Im ok, or where I am...and When i did get incontact with her she would say shes really upset about it all but would make me feel as if It was my fault...growing up was hard, i have no family all I had was my nan. im 22 now and shes jus never tried to make things better, she moved really far away when I was 17 to and never even told me about it.

i deciided to try and meet my dad...which who my mum had an affair with, he didnt want me and I think maybe the reason my mum is like this with me is because she kept me to keep him and it never worked and she hates me because I think she might feel as if I ruined her life. i never did get to meet my dad...i feel so lonely, i feel as if im always worreid anxious, panicky, i jump at things so easily. I dont no if i should feel bad ,should i  be the bigger person and talk to her but deep down I dont want to not what she put me through and consering she doesnt bother then why should i ?

the reason i think im weird to is because, i will met guys and i just dont like the thought of getting close to them it scares me...i feel as if im going to be alone the rest of my life and i feel like i suffer from depression because in my head i just feel like im constantly thinking about negative things.

I tried to kill myself at 18 because I just had enough ...i cant explain this to anyone because no understands. i feel like i cut people out of my life to especially guys, its weird...i like being on my own quite alot. people think im this bubbly pretty girl but really no one knows deep down what im going through and how I suffer...i get scared walking on my own sometimes. and I feel like im hated alot. 

im so sorry if this is long and boring but I just need to try and get some of it off my chest. I really find it hard to say no to people to...is ridiculous, a girl I work with known her two days ask to borrow 50 pound and i borrowed her it my friends say im mad..but I do things like that all the time I feel like i just let people walk over me! and I hate myself for it.

please can someone just reply and give me some advise and is anyone else gone through a smiliar thing ? 

thankyou daisy x

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  • Posted

    Hi first your not to blame for what you have been through growing up must have been hell for you personally I wouldn't get in touch with her anymore id say she has damaged your life for long enough then if I was you go see your doctor and try get some counseling for this because I feel you want to have a relationship with a guy but just to scared if you have counseling it will help you to let go of your past because it cant hurt you anymore and you can finally feel free enough to let yourself be who you are 

    lending people money isnt a bad thing if you get it back lol I feel you also have issues as in you feel you have to say yes when people want things from you that is from your past but I fear people will take advantage of you for that reason I do believe that you are such a strong person to especially going through all of that we all have our own problems on here but I have found everyone is willing to listen message me anytime you wish if i have helped I may have not its late and I am tired lol but cant switch off because of my own issues please take care of yourself and keep looking for tomorrow because we can't change the past

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    • Posted

      Hey Jason, 

      Thankyou so much for replying so quickly I didn't actually think anyoe would reply and I did go on quite abit.

      I think you are right about not getting in conact butI get scared and think would i blame myself If she died andI never tried but she doesnt with me.

      I no your right, but why do I feel I have to say yes ? i get this heart sinking feeling and just cant say no, I hate it x

      Thankyou Jason its really nice of you to have sent me that message. I hope your ok.

      Daisy

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    • Posted

      Im broken but getting myself back you say yes because you have never said no especially to your mother I guess you were so eager to please her in a hope she didn't hurt you that you say yes to people now even though they wont hurt you if they dont like it then there not worth it only say yes to the people that matter in your life your mum isnt included in that by the way yes I know you would have regrets if she died and you didnt at least try and rebuild a bridge between you two but can you say to yourself now and be completely honest with yourself and say I forgive you mam if you cam say that and truly mean it then it could be worth trying but be prepared if you do she may not want to and you will just have to move on and get on with your life and make it a happy one 
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    • Posted

      Hey jason, sorry for late reply. Yes your right but I dont no how to stop saying yes, i really don't no, Thankyou for helpiny me and takin the time for thinking abut me I really appreciate it, its nice to fele not alone...with this little voice in my head constantly talking to me. Why are you broken jason ? hope your well
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  • Posted

    Hi and welcome smile so sorry you have gone through all that, sounds like you are dealing with a lot, I too came here the other day and completely broke down as I have nobody either and found a few nice people here like Jason who managed to calm me down.

    I try and put on a cover acting as if everything is alright but because of what I'm going through at the minute I can't do it anymore, I know exactly how you feel.

    I'm 20 years old and completely hate my life but accepted I need help and plan on going to see my doctor when I get back home.. From what you say it seems you must have so much built up inside and need to let it out, people here are really nice and I try and come here everyday when I go through my mood changes and get really low and just type out how I feel, whether anyone replys or not I feel like I have released some of the pain inside.

    I don't know if it even exists and I shall look when I get home but I think going to a support group and finding other people who are dealing with the same thing could help me. I have no friends or family to talk to and feel meeting people like that could help me so much.

    Like I said everyone is so nice here and I need their help at the minute aswell, it's very comforting talking to people who don't try and sugar coat it, tell you to snap out of it or just mock you.

    Hope you felt better getting all that out of your system smile

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    • Posted

      I never had a dad and he hasn't bothered to find me, my mum has severe depression and left me and my step dad for a year without saying anything, I'm trying to stay as far away as my family as they do nothing but make me worse.

      I wouldn't get involved with your mum as it sounds like you need to deal with the abuse you had to go through, sadly my mum is extremely persistent and so blissfully unaware of much much hurt she has caused that she thinks she can just come back into my life and act like everything is perfect... I'm at a loss of how to deal with her anymore so just put on another cover that everything's fine...

      Makes her happy but makes me worse every time I have to put on an act and I can't do it for much longer

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    • Posted

      Hi jake how does it feel I bet you never thought that you would be trying to help others because of what you're going through makes you the right person to help and by trying to help others you will find you are also helping yourself keep it up mate every little thing you say about yourself to someone on here is a little bit more of your chest and another step in the right direction for you 
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    • Posted

      Hey Jake thankyou for your time and writing to me. Why dont you have anyone ? Its nice to no Im not alone I would love to get to no the people on here more and hear their stories, i just constantly feel the need as I need to get away not be here in England, I feel when I am away I feel alot better about and within myself. I lived in spain for two years I went their on my own and just moved and it was the best thing I done...but now im back here i get the bad nagtive thoughts come back in...so strange how our minds can make us feel xx
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    • Posted

      yes your right...all you rally need is someone to tell you its going to be ok...thats all I want is someone to tell me everything is going to be ok and a cuddle, would love that 
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    • Posted

      -hug- 

      I am back in the uk now and it's almost like being here is where I know I have been hurt so much I would just love to get away again.

      I'm actually thinking of going to Spain for Christmas though I'm not sure I should with how bad I am at the minute

      And like I said if you ever need to talk pm me or talk on here and I'll always be here xxxxx

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    • Posted

      And I am without anyone because I am so afraid of talking to people or being rejected or abused again, I can barely talk or look at myself let alone anyone else...

      I'm so upset with everything I am, I always try and do my best for people but get knocked back down every time and I can't keep getting up anymore... 

      I have no friends or family who I talk to, coming here has helped me a lot daisy and I know how you feel just needing someone to say it will all be ok, I know how having nobody care and to just spend your days sat in your room wanting to cry.

      I act like I'm fine but I'm behind caring about myself anymore.

      Here whenever you need me, nobody is alone here xx

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  • Posted

    Hiya Daisyrose,

    I am sorry you have been through so much, has anyone suggested 'living for the moment' to you to get you out of your negative thought processes?, it helps me a lot, it doesn't always work but when it does it can feel so good because you are not concentrating on the negative side of things, the way it works is anything you do throughout the day, even something dull as making a cup of tea, talk yourself through the process of making a cuppa in your head, or putting some washing out, notice something on the way to work a bird a car number plate anything that will distract you from looking at your past, I hope you find peace in your heart and mind, there are group talking therapies you can attend, like most people on here (including me) you find it difficult to talk to people so wear your mask to cover up what is on the inside, however the group therapies help because they are going through the same thing as you, you are not alone.

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  • Posted

    Oh Daisy your post made me very sad and I have tears in my eyes.  What a terrible time you have had and what awful parents, you must feel so alone.

    It is no wonder you are having problems with men after what you have seen and eperienced.  I think you are very strong to have survived this abuse so long,  Most folk would be a basket case.  

    Please go and see your doctor and tell them what has happened to you and how you feel.  I think counselling could help you a lot so please seek it.  There is always someone here to listen and emphasise with you here so keep coming in and talking to us.  You are not alone any more.  xx

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    • Posted

      Hello Hypercat,

      sorry for my late reply, i forgot my password !

      See this is the thing, i feel as it it isnt that bad and i feel as if im making a big deal out of it..but it is. i see how my friends mums are with their daughters and I want it so badly, i really do. but its life and I have to deal with it. 

      I feel even stupid going to them because I think they just think im feeling sorry for mysel and It isnt what I want. 

      when people ask me who I live with and then ask me about my mum and dad I say I dont have a mum or dad...is that bad me saying i havent a mummy ? even though i do ? i cant believe its been 7 years the last time I ever lived with her. I just hope someone will love me i really do hope it will happen becase I dont feel like anyone will love me and be able to understand me. i feel  so alone, i just need to go away as far as possible for aslong as possible and be on my own and not feel this sad feeling anymore. I really do hope God is with me and and my Nanny looking down on me..I hope afterlife is pretty. 

      These are all the thoughts that are going through my head what Im telling you about. I dont want you to think im a nutter Hypercat, just need to say it al while it was in my head.

      thankyou for your message and messaging me back, its lovely to know you have took the time to write a caring message back xxx

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    • Posted

      You are not a nutter Daisyrose.  You have been very unlucky in life so far and I really feel for you.  I am sure one day you will be loved and at your age you have hope.  Please use that hope and seek treatment.  Please don't give in until you have tried everything - or are you a quitter?  Harsh maybe but I am trying to get through to you.  

      I wish I was with you now as I would give you a huge lovely hug and lots of them.  You have a lot to offer but you need help right now.  Please seek it.  Please don't give in at least until you have given yourself the chances you need and deserve.  

      I care otherwise I wouldn't be writing this to you.  Am always here for you. Pm (private message) me anytime.  Just go into my name at the top of my post and click it.   Lots of love  xxxxx

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