Am i weird or depressed ?

Hello and my name is daisy..

I didn't have a dad growing up my mum was very pysically and mentally abusive to me...but I was spolit as in she would buy me lots of presents for christmas ...but no one actually knew what was going on behind close doors, she use to bully me and, bite me spit at me try strangle me and just hit me and mark me over nothing, she constantly called me names and would tell me how thick I am, I wasnt clever in school and she hated the fact I had a really bad concentration spam. she hid my ipod before and made out I lost it and battered me and a month later I found it hidden in the top on the cupboard. I wasnt allowed to go out without makeup as she would say im not prettier enough and then when i would put some on she would say its to much and drag me by hair to the toliet and scrub it off with tissue. I was really close to my nan but she passed away at 14 by 15. 

By 15 my mum had kicked me out I lived in a hostel for two years..then moved about, shes never tried to mend things with me she has never gone out of her way to see if Im ok, or where I am...and When i did get incontact with her she would say shes really upset about it all but would make me feel as if It was my fault...growing up was hard, i have no family all I had was my nan. im 22 now and shes jus never tried to make things better, she moved really far away when I was 17 to and never even told me about it.

i deciided to try and meet my dad...which who my mum had an affair with, he didnt want me and I think maybe the reason my mum is like this with me is because she kept me to keep him and it never worked and she hates me because I think she might feel as if I ruined her life. i never did get to meet my dad...i feel so lonely, i feel as if im always worreid anxious, panicky, i jump at things so easily. I dont no if i should feel bad ,should i  be the bigger person and talk to her but deep down I dont want to not what she put me through and consering she doesnt bother then why should i ?

the reason i think im weird to is because, i will met guys and i just dont like the thought of getting close to them it scares me...i feel as if im going to be alone the rest of my life and i feel like i suffer from depression because in my head i just feel like im constantly thinking about negative things.

I tried to kill myself at 18 because I just had enough ...i cant explain this to anyone because no understands. i feel like i cut people out of my life to especially guys, its weird...i like being on my own quite alot. people think im this bubbly pretty girl but really no one knows deep down what im going through and how I suffer...i get scared walking on my own sometimes. and I feel like im hated alot. 

im so sorry if this is long and boring but I just need to try and get some of it off my chest. I really find it hard to say no to people to...is ridiculous, a girl I work with known her two days ask to borrow 50 pound and i borrowed her it my friends say im mad..but I do things like that all the time I feel like i just let people walk over me! and I hate myself for it.

please can someone just reply and give me some advise and is anyone else gone through a smiliar thing ? 

thankyou daisy x

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