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I was diagnosed with a horrible case of mono in august, and had bad brain fog and stuff, swollen spleen and liver, etc. it was pretty severe. well in about November, what started is only what I can say is hell on earth. I had massive panic attack and serious anxiety for a week and lost over 10 pounds. and its now February, I've been through CBT, on medication and the whole works. life is still a living hell. read all of this post, what is below is what I have been writing to show my doctor that I will see in the next week. if anyone has any advice, please give it.
Makes me feel horrible even when I’m not feeling anxious. It’s the worst feeling ever. Don’t know how to explain it. Especially right when I wake up. It’s so bad and I hate it and it feels like my mind is sick. I get anxious about Doing things and talking to people while having this problem and everything feels so off and distant. I have no want to do anything because I feel this way. I just want to sleep half the time because it’s so bad.
Want to learn how to put all this behind me and continue to move forward, and be able to understand what is going on with me. And also get rid of the “but” and “what ifs” and scared thoughts. I feel like I can’t do things because of the way I feel. There’s so many obsessive and negative thoughts going on and it’s hard to focus on what’s going on around me. It’s like my brain tells me how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and acknowledging feeling off or weird all the time. My subconscious monitors how I’m feeling and talking and thinking every second. And also not be indecisive on what to do and why I’m doing it because of anxiety and not feeling right. Want to learn how to have free time and not have anxiety and feeling “not right” when I’m not busy. I find myself getting worried about the weekend because I don’t have school, and scared I won’t know what to do and it won’t feel right because of anxiety. Anxiety makes me feel so weird and bad and off and I hate it. It makes me so confused, foggy, like I’m dreaming, and everything seems so distant. I hate it. It’s so hard to remember things and I feel like I’m in a dream most of the time. And sometimes I ask if things even happened because they don’t seem real. I want to not have to tell my mom how I’m feeling 24/7. Never want to have to go back to how I was feeling and want to get off my medicine and live life to the fullest without these horrible feelings. Want to not be worrying about what I’m doing in the future 24/7 and if I will still be feeling like this. Want to stop fearing how I’m memorizing things and feeling off and live life and be able to feel normal again and get involved in things around me have fun without feeling mentally ill. Just riding home I “don’t feel right” and nothing seems as appealing anymore because I feel this way. Usually the day before all this starts, I don’t feel as energetic and just kind bleh.... then the next day I’m completely stuck in my own head and feel horrible and don’t want to do anything and just feel trapped. And I feel like I’m stuck in a living hell and cannot get my mind on anything and nothing i seems appealing. I don’t want to hangout with anybody I don’t want to eat I just want this to go away. I am so sad and tired of this I want my old self back. And this can go on for weeks and it is torture. I read online (I have been limiting my googling use tremendously) that EBV can affect the thyroid and cortisol levels and adrenal stress or something like that which can make me feels this way. I don’t know what any of those are but I’m opened minded to anything right now because I HAVE to get back to normal. This has been going on way too long. If it was just the normal anxiety feelings I could handle that. This just feels so bad and like it’s something else that I can’t push past it. I just have to keep going on with my life while going through this just to have a little break from it for like a day or so, just to have it come back. My body also feels “light” sometimes when this happens. And nose, right ear, and head tingles and has pressure. But these go away when I have a break from the anxiety. Want to learn how to get through this, and want to learn exactly what is going on with me. While I had mono, I took SARM’s (MK2866) that I got from online which is a PED for exactly one week hoping it would help my brain fog and also drank alcohol like twice. I’m afraid I this or the EBV and Mono messed my brain up and the thought of that makes me feel sick and scared. It makes me feel so bad and off I’m scared it isn’t anxiety. Every second while I’m sitting at home I don’t feel right and don’t want to do anything because I feel so bad. It’s hard for me to believe it’s anxiety because it’s so constant. I cannot stop talking or writing down about it and I don’t want to do anything. This is horrible. It literally makes me cry all the time because I feel so bad and trapped and it’s been going on for so long. Which is NOT like me at all. Im pretty sure the last time I cried before all this started was when i was like 12. I started balling crying in front of my best friend. It’s that bad. I feel so extremely overwhelmed by all this I can’t even describe it. I also have no motivation. When before all of this I was the most motivated person I knew. It makes me SOOOO tired and I can’t focus and just want to sleep and wake up and it be gone. When this happens I literally have purple bags on my eyes. This isnt all the time though. I have to make myself workout and enjoy baseball because I “don’t feel right” I feel so weird and anxious and feel so bad it makes me sad that working out and baseball aren’t fun anymore because of the way I feel because that used to be my passion before all this. Every time I hear I need to do something or have to go somewhere I feel horrible I don’t even know why. I basically have to MAKE myself play xbox. I truly don’t know how to describe it, it is just an overwhelming and horrible feeling. I completely zone out when this happens. I just feel like a zombie.
I haven’t really noticed any negative effects with the lexapro it’s only taken the edge off a little bit. I don’t even really want to be on it. I have been having all these feeling ever since this all started.
I need to understand what is going on with me and how I can recover from this. Because the way it makes me feel is absolutely horrible and I have been going through this for way too long. I like I cant handle any stress whatsoever. I usually stay on my phone in bed for an hour or two on the weekends instead of getting straight into the day, when before all this, I would get up immediately and go hang out with friends or workout. I just feel dead most of the time and unable to cope with how I’m feeling. I also have noticed I will be sitting in bed or in the living room and I will have random parts of my body twitch. I also can never keep my legs still. Especially at school they are constantly fidgeting. I also still have the vibration sensation in my liver area and a twitch in my right ear often. I know I’ve said this already but I need to understand what is going on with me. Because there is no way this is just anxiety and I have to get out of this. I have to know what is wrong with me and what I can do about it.
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