Anxiety and depression ruining my life.

Posted , 7 users are following.

So uh, I'm new here. I've been thinking that I need to speak out about this.. to people who I know will listen and help. This will be pretty long so I'm sorry about that.

I'm 17, female and I'll be a senior this upcoming school year. I've dealt with anxiety on and off in the past 5 years or so I think? It usually has been bearable before but lately not that much. 

Now how do I organize this.. I'll just start with the beginning. I used to be really out going, talkative, social. Everyone knew my name and I had a lot of friends. Freshman year was a breeze, until the last few weeks of it. I had gotten mono, and it spiked major anxiety attacks over me.. I'm not sure why it effected me like that but.. it did. I started feeling really anxious about everything from then on. I stopped making friends nor keeping any. I strayed away from social life and went into a world of solitude. My life now contains gaming and online friends. That's all my life is now, aside from the little conversations I have with peers every now and then.

God there's so much I want to say.. but I'm trying to keep this short or no one will stand reading this. Lol 

I'm content living online like this.. the only thing I dislike is my anxiety and depression. 

Now, since freshman year, I'm a loner at school. My junior year I had old ex friends come up to me asking why I'm a loner now. How am I supposed to answer that? I just laugh it off and change the topic, while eagerly waiting for the bell to ring so I can get out of there.

My anxiety attacks usually start when I have to go to an after school event, meet a teacher after school; in short, anything that I am forced to do. Family events are fine, going out to eat is fine for me. Now this summer, I've been having major anxiety attacks from EVER going outside of the house. The only place I have managed to go to without having a heart attack is my grandmothers. I can't go to Walmart or the gym without these anxiety attacks now. Places I've been to before time and time again. 

So.. it's been really tough. And for the depression part. My anxiety makes me feel worthless, like a burden, and that I'll never be able to do anything like getting a job and socializing with people. I have a tendency to hate myself.. a lot. I feel like a burden to everyone, a disappointment to my parents, my grandparents, to my online boyfriend.. that I'm not allowed to have but he really is the only reason I'm still alive right now.. 

(This whole paragraph is backstory on my online boyfriend, you can skip this if you don't care about this) I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. We have real plans for the future. His parents are really supportive of it.. mine aren't. When my father found out he went ballistic. He keep saying my online boyfriend could be some 60 year old pedophile. And trust me, my boyfriend is not. He's 16. I've talked with him, his parents, siblings, and friends. We talk as much as we can in video calls and voice calls. Unlike me, he's more outgoing than me. Which is a good thing I hope, it'll push me into going out more for sure. To my father's knowledge, I have broken up with my boyfriend and not involving myself in online relationships anymore. I wish he could understand.. and try to make it work. He's completely okay with me dating someone from my school, as long as he gets to meet the parents. I told him he could video chat with him and his parents and my father quickly shot it down with "You can't tell age from a video".. he didn't even try. That hurt. So now, I have added stress from playing this secret boyfriend game. And I'm not being a rebellious teen.. I really do love my boyfriend a lot. And the fact that he's stayed through all this mess we've been through.. it makes it hard not to love him. One of my biggest fears is that I'll fail him because of my anxiety. That I won't be able to get a job and be helpful towards "us"

When I'm sane as I am now, I believe that I would never kill myself because I don't want to hurt my family and boyfriend. But when the anxiety hits, I lose my moral compass. I convince myself I'm doing them a favor if I kill myself.. but what stops me is my boyfriend. A part of me believes life will get better.. a part of me knows how much pain he would be in so my suicidal thoughts go away. But it doesn't stop the pain.. I think the reason I disregard my family when I have my anxiety attacks is because my parents just don't get it.. my father is thick headed, thinks he is always right, thinks people are always up to something. My father knows about my anxiety problem (not my depression, thank god) I have tried talking to him about it. He merely brushed it off. He told me it was all in my head, which is true but I can't just dismiss this when it's destroying my life. The last time I told him I wanted to kill myself.. well, he came into my room and handed me a knife to cut my wrist with. Now don't freak out lol, it's just the way he is. He thinks he's helping me.. but he's too harsh while I'm to sensitive. But it definitely. Makes me not want to open up to him. He clearly can't and won't help. He brushes off my depression and anxiety. My mother, isn't really that involved in my life personally. I can't afford professional help. 

I feel alone. My anxiety attacks end up with me crying my eyes out and hating myself for being so pathetic. 

A lot of the time. I wish I was never born. I feel like I'm trapped in an endless nightmare. I've already started losing hope in everything.

In short, I really do need help. Has anyone recovered from severe anxiety and depression without therapists and family? Is there any excercises I should do when I have an anxiety attack? I really appreciate any advice. Thank you for reading.

0 likes, 54 replies

54 Replies

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  • Posted

    Hi Kat . Im so sorry you are going thru this and believe me you are not alone. Dont give up, anxiety and depression makes you think that there is no way out but its not your real you! There is always way out. Dont give up please. You can get thru this. First of all you need to sit down with your parents and tell them everything. How you feeling , everything. You need help. Is there anyone at school you can confide to ? X
    • Posted

      Click here to view image

      At my school we have assigned counselors and I had bad experiences with mine. I don't feel comfortable with her at all

    • Posted

      Try your mum this time . If school doesnt help cant you ask for someone else ? What about your doctor ? X
  • Posted

    hi at02603

    I haven't read all of your post yet, you're quite a book writer lol . Only joking nice to share feelings with someone else.

    I suffer with anxiety a lot myself why I am writing this I'm suffering now. I had to go out this morning and get some shopping Christ I felt ill lightheaded didn't seem to be in my own body. If you know what I mean. And I'm like you get very panicky if I meet people. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to the doctors, but I don't think I can manage it, because how I feel now there is no chance in 1 million years. I'm going to leave the house tomorrow. Mine started about eight years ago after a major panic attack. I used to only get them about once or twice a month, but now I have anxiety every day and I totally understand where you're coming from about going somewhere. I'm the same I can be indoors not right, but bearable if I know I have to go somewhere. The day before I start panicking and the anxiety comes on. All I can say to you is, I know you are new on here, but they are very friendly bunch and always willing to help. Plus it's nice to know you're not alone in your suffering. Anyway I hope you have a great day all the best my friend . And try to calm down. I know is easily said .

    • Posted

      Hi Shaun , saw your reply to Kat, totally relate to your post, I always started the negative thinking days before I had to go somewhere, or just worried constantly( worried if I had nothing to worry about) . Just wanted to say, please keep your doctors appointment, I avoided everything if I could , you'll hopefully come back feeling better for going, it's really just the thought of going, crappy anxiety winds us up so much and convinces us to not bother. 😊??

    • Posted

      Hi Edwina. I know you are right but as you no it is so hard some times but I will try to go. And thank you. Xxxx
    • Posted

      Im the same Shaun. Cancelled MRI scan for the third time a I cant face it. They dont want to give me sedation and Im claustrophobic😑😑Im scared that I might get panic attack. But I agree with Edwina , we should face things otherwise we will never going to beat this stupid anxiety. I know easier said than done lol

    • Posted

      No probs, great you replied to Kat, even though you have your own worries. 😊??

    • Posted

      Hi Aga, just saying to Shaun it's great people are trying to reasure others , even with their own worries, it's the empathy for others we have knowing exactly how crappy this can feel, how are you and have you any updates on Karen? ??

    • Posted

      Hi aga02916.  Yes I no ever one yes right but it can be so hard to do plus it. I have to level my safe place , my home but I will try. Xx
    • Posted

      Yes it is very hard to push yourself. But Ive noticed that by sitting on sofa(thats what Ive been doing for the past 2 months) I will never get better. I just sat wearing my pjs and thinking , thinking and thinking. I still do it but today I actually made myself to get dressed and tidy up 🐶I feel little bit better about myself and even my hubby is proud of me. Made myself some food as well. But its soooo hard to do something , to start doing anything when all I want to do is sit and watch tv and forget about my problems xxx

    • Posted

      Went great thanks. Nervous leading up to it, but that's ok. Just the way I am , not manic and anxious like would have been in past, hope you start to sleep better soon. I used to get couple of hours a night, think my anxiety made me dread going to bed to fell asleep on sofa with to on. Get about 5- 6 hrs nowadays, hope it passes soon for you😊??

    • Posted

      That was meant to say so I fell asleep on sofa with tv on.🙄??

    • Posted

      Thats what I started doing as I cant get comfy in bed. Sofa is much more comfortable. Aww Im so glad you had a great time ❤❤❤
    • Posted

      Hi aga02916. Forgot to introduce myself I am obviously a man 52 years old and married to the best wife in the world and my best friend. I live 10 miles from the centre of London in the UK. Believe it or not but I'm my wife main carer because she has diabetes problems and epilepsy I wouldn't class myself as a good-looking man but my wife thinks I am think she needs to get her eyes checked lol anyway take care and we will speak again soon on here

    • Posted

      Thats what you call an introduction 😊😊Im 31 year old, come from Poland but for the past 9 years me and my hubby been living in UK. Nice to meet you 😄

    • Posted

      Hi Aga. If you get this can you send me a reply , messed my phone up, nothing coming through here for hours but getting other mail. Thanks. Hope you're ok😳??

    • Posted

      Hi aga02916

      I have just joined this forum and came across your post.  I totally understand about just wanting to sit. I am now a grandmother and always thought that my anxiety and depression would improve over time, but it still keeps coming back. It completely zaps my energy, my head is permanently fuzzy.  I just find it so hard to function.  Well done for pushing yourself to be active, I know how hard it can be to do the smallest task. I know all the things I should be doing to make myself better, but that in itself is like climbing a mountain - exercise, healthy eating, no alcohol, no sugar.  The list is endless and I find it hard even to pop a vitamin pill.  My advice to you, is small steps.  Just give yourself a small task every day and praise yourself for it.  Gradually build up the tasks and keep giving yourself a pat on the back.  I know what helps, but having to motivate yourself is the hardest.  I always feel that I am the only one on the plant who is going through this, but when you look online there are millions of us.  We are all special people who are loved, its just so hard to love ourselves.  Keep strong and I hope life starts to improve for you xxx

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