Anxiety and depression ruining my life.

Toxic? Brainwashed? He hasn't brainwashed me into anything negative if that's what you're implying, if anything he's helped me be more self confident for sure. I say he's outgoing because he still has a irl social life unlike me. He's been pushing me to talk to people irl but my anxiety just makes it really hard so I don't..

But is it really that bad? That I want to meet this person and get to know them better? See if it works out? I can't stand not giving it a try because these feelings I have isn't fake, and my heart just breaks thinking about leaving him. Like I said, I have had video chats with him and his parents. We see eachother as much as we can, I doubt 100% he's a pedo. 

My boyfriend is a posistive thing in my life. The way my dad has reacted, which I understand why he's doing this, is ruining my life. 

Trust me when I say this relationship is different than those other typical online ones, we have real plans for the future

Hi again.

Thanks for your reply. My advic still stands. I think you should spek to your father about all of this. I understandnthat you have never met this person who you are planning a future with.

Take care

Kat, totally agree with icecool, it's easy to use this online friend as a crutch, depending on him to reasure you and support you, you are very vulnerable at moment and I understand how I would have loved someone to talk to at my lowest but to people looking in we are seeing this as really negative , who is this person?((know you don't want to hear this as you see this as helpful. Please work on  getting help , if you need to talk, talk to people here you can relate to and it is safe, talk to councillors , samaritans, etc, and I'm sure if your family knew everything you would be surprised how they would support you.????

I became a loner because I didn't want my friends to invite me places. It made my anxiety rise and it was terrible.. I stopped getting close to people because I didn't want to be invited anywhere. I know I can say no, and that's what I did. It made them gradually stop talking to me so I figured this is how it's supposed to be. Plus I don't want to tell people "Oh yeah I'm a loner because I have crippling anxiety" you know? That's why I don't know how to answer it because the question requires a too personal answer..

My mother and I are distant in a personal way. I don't tell her my problems and stuff like that. She's usually at work or watching Korean Operas. My father is unemployed so I can see how my mom is really stressed out.. but because my father is always around we're just closer. 

My father is more attentive.. but he doesn't help at all.. in the way I need at least. When I have my anxiety attacks he yells at me. Tells me to knock it off. As if I can just make it poof.. I wish I could.. He has called me a dumbass, a b***h, and an idiot. And it hurts a lot. 

My father is a loner as well. He has no friends whatsoever and doesn't seem to care about it. When I came to him about friend drama or problems he would always go to the extreme and tell me to just stop being friends with them. And always accuse my friends of not caring so his mentality got into me I guess. 

Now whenever I think of my old irl friends I can't stop remembering the bad things they've done to me. It hurts my image of them. 

It seems that everyone at school I meet hurts me except for a select few. Some of them take advantage of my kindness and insult me. And I won't lie that it convinces me even more to stay away from people. It's even made me think friends are pointless and I should just focus on getting through highschool. 

Sorry to interject but I was wondering if you would consider seeing a counsellor at your school/college and talking this through with him/her?

It is hard if your dad does not really understand your anxiety attacks and even harder when you get called names. However sometimes parents just blurt out stuff without thinking and certainly without any intention to hurt.

It is just one of the features of being a caring parent !! None of us is perfect!!!!!

Clearly you are not dumb etc  and imho he was y advising you to not to let your heart rule your head .

Good advice but put over a little bit clumsily is what I read into it.

?I would put the idea of any intention on his part to hurt you way behind you.

Seeking a relationship/solace etc is good but you just need to be careful.

I always think it is good to get several opinions from people and then weigh it all up.

I was thinking that the time you spend in exchanging messages etc with your online boyfriend is attractive to you because there is no actual contact as such and you feel 'safe'.

In real life how will you cope with the reality of meeting him I ask myself? Supposing you are disappointed in some way when you eventually meet?

Supposing his feet smell or he wipes his nose with the back of his hand. Know what I mean?

What will you do in that case?

I had a similar exprience to yous in terms of getting involveed with someone when i was very young.

I HAD MET HIM. He wentt back to University and wrote to me every day. I did not return his letters but he persisted.

we got married. I did not know him, he was very violent within a month of a posh white wedding.

I wish many a time tha I had listened to my father wwhen he advised me to drop him because fathers have a way of susing out other men I think,

My ever loving boyfriend assaulted me without any provacation or warning within a couple of months of marriage .

He then said he was sorry and it would not happen again. BUT it did time and time again. My only regret is not diching him sooner than I did.

?In the end Kat it is your call but looking at it from  the outiside then it seems logical that anyone should have srious rervations about this online relationship.

I strongly advie that you proceed with great caution. May I ask you if this person lives local to you?

I assume you both reside in the US but I may be wrong.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I really appreciate it. 

If we meet and it doesn't work out, then we'll breakup. If he turns out to be someone I can't love then I won't be with him anymore. But I just want to give it a try, I want to date him face to face and see if it'll work out. I'm not going to marry so soon, I'd say like 4 or 5 years before I make that big decision.

And no, he lives in NH while I live in TX.

I know this isn't the healthiest way of getting love. Hell I didn't even have an online relationship as an idea when I was gaming and making friends. But he krept inside my heart.. my heart isn't lying to me, I have strong feelings for him. And I want to follow my heart, even if there's a chance it might break it

Hi Kat

you mention 'hurt' a lot. In relation to your father and schoolmates. That is very revealing. You mention anxiety ruining your life. Then you mention your father's attitude to your online relationship ruining your life. Then, you assign a lot of power to your online relationship being your sole driving force and meaning in life and means of survival through this rough patch. And you take care to side-step your mother quite notably in your summation.

To explain: while your boyfriend may be truly wonderful and possibly be genuine and possibly worth meeting, this cannot be at the expense of your respect to your own family whom you have known your whole life, for better or for worse, who have fed you, changed you when you were soiled, taught you to walk and talk and worked to sustain you and keep you healthy and safe. Now, parents mess stuff up. They may mess their lives up, they are not perfect and they may not even love and care for us in the way we need them to. But as long as they are there, providing for you, they are your parents and deserve your consideration.

So the real question is, what is it that makes you more reliant on someone external, rather than your parents. Why have you lost respect for your father?

Why is he unemployed and friendless? When did your mother become the sole provider? How old were you when the situation in your home became so difficult?

This is an important aspect to explore fot you to gain insight into your drive or lack thereof as well as understanding your current state better.

You said you can't afford therapy. Perhaps we can assist you to get the ball rolling.

Your anxiety is the result of your depression. And your depression is not too advanced. It is really doable. What is important is for you to be prepared to be really honest with yourself, take a step back and view the situation without shaded glasses. You will find a better way forward this way.

Sending much love. Because that hard done by young woman that you feel yourself to be has existed in me too. And some days she wakes up crying too. But now she is no longer overwhelmed. This is not a life-sentence - this is a means for growth. 

xxx

PS. By the way how well are you doing at school? What are your strong points and week points in terms of studies?

Why have I lost respect for my father? I've seen his mindset firsthand and he can be really harsh, towards people he doesn't even know but will make claims about. He's pretty suspicious of people and usually thinks the worst of people, he's always made all people seem like they're all out to get something without caring how it'll effect others.

I wouldn't say I've lost respect for him. We're just too different sometimes. He grew up in a abusive household, allowed little friends and was kept from public school somehow. While my bring up is the opposite obviously. So knowing his past, I admit it does cloud my judgement of his words sometimes.

He's been unemployed for the past 3 or 4 years now. He had managed to get a good paying job with the little education he has, no highschool diaploma, but then the company changed owners and they worked him too hard so he quit. He had friends at his workplace but he just never kept in touch with them after he quit I guess. 

So that left my mother to be the sole provider. It's odd because my dad always says we're doing fine while my mom will tell me we're barely making it. There has been times when all the money we had in the bank was 20 bucks so it's kinda scary. It's never really stressed me out though

I do well in school, mostly As and few Bs. I ended the year with an A in Art 2, Digital Art, English, Algebra 2, Animation, and US history; then a B in Physics. 

I scape by too, I usually just study the class before the test. It works too honestly. But I'm really just lazy, I always do homework last minute. I get it done  though. That goes the same for my art projects as well. I do little to no school work at home, unless I know I have no time to finish in class the next day

By asking why you lost respect I am drawing on the fact that you are disregarding his 'commands' and proceeding with a secret online boyfriend. We do not do things like that unless we have lost respect towards our parent.

Maybe the financials have not stressed you out (this just proves you know you will be provided for and it shows some reliance and trust towards your parents), but they must be the reason why your mother has shut down and is escaping into Korean operas. Does she need a bit of help with something? Can you ask her? "Mom you seem tense/tired/down, can I do something to take some load off you? It will be good for both of us"

What does your dad do all day? What can you do together?

When did you lose personal touch with your mother? Was it around the time he lost his job? What does he say about your mom. Why is there a distance between you? Is there a distance between them?

This is so very important.

See, because what you are doing now, at the brink of your first adulthood, is getting anxious about anxiety that is consuming you. You worry that because of it you will not be able to get/keep a job to provide towards your "goal" of contributing towards meeting with your boyfriend. While most of us would say this is a slightly misplaced goal and you should be more focused on getting yourself to stand on your own feet first before planning for "us", still the process is the same and the point is the same.

You lack self-confidence, you lack objective. And you are stressed out. If not about the financials then about some aspect of your family life and how it impacts you. You may be lacking some warmth and love that you crave. Unfortunately in life, everyone only gives us what they can. So some of us fall short of our expectations and needs, even from our parents.

You are making plans for the future with a boy you have not met instead of planning your own future first. Instead of working on your actual circumstances first. If you can't make your home life, friendships with peers and relationship with parents work better for you please do not think that you will do better starting a new life. These 'failures' will haunt you. Reinventing yourself and starting afresh are great. But Running away from everything is not. First face things head on. You have nothing to lose. Who do you miss the most? A specific friend at school? Mom? Other family member? Go after them. Do what you can. Get hurt - so what: you are already hurting. Own your life and remember you are bigger than whatever is eating you.

You are doing great at school like I suspected - so your future is likely bright in terms of capability to get and keep a good job.

What do you plan to do for further studies? I hope you will also work while you study to start building your confidence.

And to be able to afford therapy if you should still require it.

Meanwhile, a GP can help so is there a family doctor you can turn to - sometimes GPs can be a good spokesperson for us when our parents are harder to get through to...

Sending much love.

 

I'm disregarding his commands because he didn't even try to understand my situation.. when he found out about my boyfriend he just screamed at me and took what little communication I had with people away.   

I'm a good kid, I don't do drugs. I don't sleep around. I don't drink. I don't run away from home. I don't get into fistfights at school.

I get good grades, and don't involve myself with drama at school. 

Maybe you can imagine how frustrating it is to see everyone else around you doing the worst sh*t time and time again. But I get an online boyfriend and my world collapses. 

It felt like a complete over exaggeration on his part. 

I have this constant rule that I can't talk to anyone 18 and up. I'm 17. One year away from the real world and I'm being pent up like this. I've had to let go so many friends that happened to be 18 or 19, long time friends I had known for almost 3 years. And for what, because they were born 2 years sooner than me? 

Just yesterday I was yelled at for talking to my irl long known friend's cousin on Facebook. He was 18 and my mind didn't even think about it when we were talking on Facebook because all we were talking about was the upcoming school year. Talking about pre-cal. And I was yelled at for it. Told that all guys think about is p*ssy. Yeah, he really told me that. 

Went on about the only reason guys help out girls is to get them in their beds. I know most guys are like that, but as soon as a guy makes a move I know how to stop talking to them. 

He also revealed yesterday that the reason I can only talk to 17 and under guys is because they don't have the money or car to get to me. Told me that the only reason any guy plays games with me online is because I'm a girl.. which I know that's true for most but at the same time I've met guys that aren't like that. 

I know my mom is stressed out about being the sole provider.. she's come to me about it several times.  I just don't get to spend that much time with her because she works more often now.

My father goes to the gym, once in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon. For as long as 3 or 4 hours straight. Then he either plays video games or works around the house. He also is the cooker of the house. Which I'm glad because my mom is bad at cooking lol

We used to play games together and we watch shows/movies too a lot of the time. I used to go to the gym with him also, but my anxiety attacks started coming so he lets me stay home now.

He's always rude towards my mom.. like he won't say it to her face. But he calls her a b***h and a dumbass behind her back. It's obvious they don't love each other anymore. Because my mom is always about keeping money while my dad is about spending it.

Long story short, I was an accident. They had not even dated for a year and got married at 20 and 21 because of me. They stayed together because of me I guess. But it's not exactly the best confidence booster to know you're an accident and that your parents are stuck together miserable lol 

Even when I was younger they fought. They've already told me about divorcing. My father has told me himself that after I'm 18 or whenever I move out that he'll divorce my mom and get out of there.

You're right.. my father said the same thing yesterday. That my goal should be to be able to support myself before thinking about relationships. And that's true I suppose, I'm just lost at what I'm doing with my life.

I'm into art, marine life, animals.. I currently have five dogs, African Grey parrot, a milk snake, and freshwater/ saltwater aquariums. But I'm also huge into gaming.. I really don't know what I want to do in my life. My anxiety makes everything I once had the motivation to do impossible. So I've kinda developed an idea of working at home.. my ideal dream job would be doing art at home and selling it, maybe graphic design as well, while also making money off twitch ( a game streaming website) and YouTube. I know it's a bit far fetched but it's just what I would do if I actually had the chance. 

My father told me that college is to learn to do what you love, while you get a job to work up to getting to do what you love. Right now all I have on my plans is to get the basic classes out of the way in college, then maybe go into art or marine life. I've always thought about working at my local aquarium.. but I'm lost with this anxiety..

Sorry, it's taking a while for my reply to be reviewed 

Kat On balance it seems that you have gt it all sussed out in my opinion you need to ride this out judt to survive until such time as you can make your own way in he world. The danger is making wrong choices about partners etc and/or ending up under the influence of undesiravbles because you are vulnerable and may fall into the wrong handds .

​Please bide your time and then make your move when you are in a better position. You need toget qualifications these dayss to enable you to get a well paid job. I am not knocking you but would working at an aquarium be a sufficient earner for you.

 

Oh my...well I am relieved.

Most of the things you mention point to self-limiting issues.

First issue - guys aged 18 and above...well it may or may not surprise your dad than in a year you will wake up 18. Meaning you can pretty much talk to whoever you want to and will have to because your peers will also be 18...so...yup this will be a self-limiting and self-fixing issue.

What will take a while is for him to come around and let go knowing he has done all that he could to help keep your head correctly on your shoulders, enriched with his experience that he imparted, regardless of the fact that his delivery methods are a bit raw at times. I find that almost endearing actually. He is just showing his own limitations and one day you will likely laugh about it.

When he is mean or rude it gives away a lot of the frustration he feels about himself and his predicament. I would not take it personally.

Yes he is controlling but he is also involved and trying to keep up with you (or one step ahead of you as the case may be). Bottom line is ... he cares enough to bother to want you to not be compromised.

So, whether or not you were an "accident", he "accidentaly" also developed a sense of responsibility towards you. So, accidentally, you are also loved. And provided for in various ways by both parents regardless of the cost of this to them and to you. They are doing their best. One day you will forgive them for their shortcomings.

Perhaps not trying to head butt the "bull" (and your dad certainly sounds bullish) but luring him instead with your accomplishments and gaining his trust in your powers of judgement will be a wise path of least resistance? I mean, if you actively seek to show you have benefitted from his wisdom and guidance and are discerning and will not let yourself be compromised by men (your father's worst nightmare LOL), he will begin to ease up on you a little. It is a process that is, trust me, tougher on him than you (the process of letting go of you).

You seem to be very sensitive to his method of correction and are very hung up on what he says and how he says it that you seem to lose sight of his motives but also your abilities. So your confidence definitely needs boosting and best way to do it is to take the reigns of any one of the issues you have before you.

Anxiety will be lessenned notably once your confidence begins to grow, so my advice on rebuilding your relationships (with those closer to you than your boyfriend) still stands.

Your writing is very coherent and ordered (which is what signalled to me an academically apt person) and indicates an uncomplicated case of anxiety.

I would say your anxiety is manageable by allowing yourself to approach certain matters from a new perspective - perhaps one with a little less fatalism and a little more insight and trust in your own abilities and the process unfolding before you.

When told something or ordered something do not rush to be wounded out of habit. Digest it frst: why is this person doing this? When I take out all the unnecessary noise what is this person showing me and what do I want to do about it. How can I approach this for a greater common benefit of both.

It is not about proving your worth to your parents. It is about becoming aware of your own worth and capability and letting it shine. Nothing radical is required. Regaining some of your  "lost years" can be a pleasurable process. Always start the journey close to home. This is where all confusion started to begin with. Once you develop confidence there you will feel so much more capable to tackle other life challenges.

Our goal in life, among other things, is to be comfortable in our own skin. Sometimes to do so we must step outside of ourselves and see how we can better manage our important relations - the ones that affect us on a daily basis.

So when your father badmouths you or your mom or is overbearing...remember who he is and where he is currently at (not a great situation - none of you are), remember he means well, remember you are better than you give yourself credit for but also remember that you are younger than your father so he has seen more and has better foresight. So give him the benefit of the doubt. Try to filter out the useful in what he says from the trash. Ignore the trash until you are ready to oppose it maturely.

And what would the mature thing to say be...So many options. One I like - When he badmouths your mother the mature thing would be to say something like "I don't feel comfortable when you talk about my mother like that to me. At the end of the day you are my dad and she is my mom no matter what you guys are going through. I know it must be hard sometimes but I see you are both doing what you can and I really appreciate everything you have done for me and how much you cared for me. I have learned a lot from both of you and I do not like having bad words placed over that - there is just no need". Addressing the other with understanding, compassion but not at the expense of your values and morals takes practice. Think about other instances in your life where perhaps you have not been expressing yourself effectively and with respect to others and at the same time honouring your own feelings, needs and beliefs. Finding your voice is important. It will make you feel less like a victim of circumstance and less lost.

And by the sounds of it, you are not lost at all.

You already have some vague idea of what you may enjoy doing. Many people never have a clue really. And right now, that is sufficient to get started.

I love the fact that you guys have so many pets. Do you tend to all of them yourself or is animal collecting a hobby you picked up from your dad by any chance?

Bottom line - you are poised for massive growth and much success. You were loved.

Both our kids were an 'accident'. I prefer to call it a surprise though. They are our moon and stars and everything between. We were blessed and never would have it any other way. Even on days they hate us. Which in the case of ou pre-teen is most days. Even on days their unemployed father who spends all our money and eats all our food makes me crazy. We are not miserable because of our children. We are miserable because of our own sense of failure and undesirable circumstances. They, the kids,  are our only ONLY solace and saving grace. Oh and we are not together because of them either - no matter what we sometimes say. We are trying to work it out for us. For what WE think is best. I am the mom - and their sole provider. I feel like I have 3 kids and my eldest, my husband, is the most difficult one. We are sometimes harsh and abrupt to our eldest daughter. She feels much like you do about it. But I know she is adored.

And I know that you are adored too. Based on everything you mentioned.

Sharing my angle too in case it helps you in any way. Everybody has weaknesses and everyone has fears. Get to know people and what drives them. Take your time. You will do great.

xxx

Oh and my husband gave my 12 year old much the same speech recently when he saw her talking to a 14 year old brother of a friend of hers. Haha. I will not repeat but much the same connotations of what boys are after. I thought it was really a stupid way top talk to a girl so young. But then I smoothed it out for him by talking to her using more appropriate language and also explaining where her dad is coming from. I sort of agree with your dad by the way, based on own experience. I had a lot of freedom growing up. There were plenty of painful lessons I would also rather 'protect' my daughter from. Perhaps not protect as extremely as your dad and my husband would LOL, but still. What is the point of experience if it does not serve to help your children avoid some potential pitfalls? Most boys are quite useless to a young girl looking to love and be loved and belong. Few are really there for you and usually it is those we are not interested in at all Having said that, your life and your call. Soon dad won't have a say and you will be able to explore this more freely.

I think working at an aquarium would be a sufficient earner.. being an aquatic veterinarian seems to earn a good yearly sum

I do not know anything about aquatic vets but it sunds like a good earnr as well as obviously being something that you are very interested in doing. So it appears as though you have everything coming togeter now very nicely. I think you need to hang on in there and may I suggest focusing on your goals in terms of your career and financial prospects as these may not seem very important now but will do so later on in life.

Good luck.

 

I know I shouldn't take it personally but it's really hard not to.. I'm a really sensitive person, when he yells at me I start crying immediately. I try not to cry but it's impossible to hold back the tears. I've been like this since forever, maybe because he's made into that person. I only seem to cry when he's the one that's yelling.

The trash, or insults stick.. it's a bad habit of mine to always remember the bad things people have done to me. It's hard to shake the words off. It's like everytime I fail at something, get yelled at, or feel down in the dumps I have a shadow reminding me all of the other bad things that's happened to me. The things won't even be related and it makes me more upset.

It's just odd to me.. how he can call my mom and I those names. He has never called his brothers, my uncles, names like that. A lot of the times it feels he treats us worse and his brothers better. 

I think the pet collecting is a hobby I've gained from my dad. 

I would own more pets if we could afford it lol My father ultimately choose most of the pets we have now. My mom isnt that fond of the other pets beside the dogs. I tend most of them and my father helps out sometimes because it can be a little overwhelming for me at times. 

Thank you so much.. I really mean it. You have helped so much in my image of my dad and how I should live my life. I need to give them more credit for what they've done for me. I just need to stop putting myself down no matter how tempting it is, and get over this anxiety.

I understand that my father is trying to protect me like your husband is with your daughter.. it just hurts my dream of the future when he puts that label on every guy. I feel he could have said it differently.. that I should be careful with guys because some are just in it for the wrong reasons. But he just labeled all guys as heartless machines and it crushes my love wanting heart lol

My dad definitely seems to go a little too extreme.. but it's all coming from his experience so I shouldn't completely dismiss what he says.. he just wants the best for me right? 

Sorry to interject but when you start training as an aquatic vet will you be moving away from'home' .

Is your father jealous of you or women and does not wish to apear inferior to you or your Mom hence his desire to over control situations?

?Perhaps ot would be beneficial for you if when he shouts or bertes you you simply turn your bck on him and walk away. This is a very effective technique to avoid  confrontaation and also to avoid being hurt. Has your father ever been physically violent to you?

If hee continus ot behave in this abusiveway have you thought about going to the Police or social services?

 

hahaha no...your dad DOES go too extreme and it is all about him having been a boy of 16-30/35 himself LOL. You must pick the correct lesson from his rant, and throw the trash out. You translate his lesson into a more appropriate, sane and sensible message that you keep and put the rest down as useless and therefore of no consequence. In fact, much like you just did above: "I feel he could have said it differently.. that I should be careful with guys because some are just in it for the wrong reasons. But he just labeled all guys as heartless machines and it crushes my love wanting heart lol" Exactly. So trust your judgement on how you feel he should have said it - translate that into "that is what he meant" and throw away the gross generalization.

You can even humor him by engaging in that conversation differently - after his rant: "I see what you mean dad: that I should be careful with guys because some are just in it for the wrong reasons. But how will I know when a guy is in it for the right reasons?"

Engaging him may make him think and that may stop his escalation and turn the conversation into a more soothing one for both of you.

Pick your style. I am just brainstorming some ideas to get the ball rolling. You can be as creative as you like. But do not resort to irony, shouting back or mirroring his style. Crying is fine and normal as you are still so vulnerable but always keep in mind when yelled at that it is a temporary blow and not the end of your world when he shakes you up.

The reason you cry when he shouts is because of perceived injustices and limitations he places on you, the amount of feelings you have for him built up inside, years of him not working around your sensitivities but insisting on a rather firm approach and this has left you shaky. You are basically stressed before the explosion. By learning to trust yourself more and understanding who he is and why, the power this aspect of him has over you will lessen. Because while loud and rough he does not sound like a tyrant. Just loud and rough. Let your vision of him fall into perspective a little. He is your father, but the bad stuff he tells you and his bad habits  do not define you. They define him as a separate entity. Only your relationship with him is thus affected. Not who you are and not who you can and will become. x 

In addition, to help you further get where he is coming from - it is not only that he KNOWS what boys that age are after....this he can handle in his bullish ways as he imagines. It is the fact that you may also be interested in what they are after that is unthinkable for him and totally tears him up Fathers are sensitive like that. Only never on time to not disrespect girls while they are young and single but always in time to want to lock up their daughters away from sight of other men LOL. It is a losing battle and he knows it...which is why he is kicking and screaming. But as I said, he will let go. No worries. And when he sees you making wise and well thought out choices, he will likely breathe a sigh of relief too.

So you said he has no issues with you dating a schoolmate or peer as long as he can meet the parents? That means that while his EXPRESSION is extreme, he is not entirely rigid and senseless. Sure, he wants to be involved and control the situation a bit longer. This is fair enough and very common. His daughter-his rules he thinks  And it will be of benefit to you this way because you will be known as someone whose dad has her back and is not to be messed with. It will make you more respected. Treat it as a kind of a gift (one you can't return though LOL). Kat, be gentle on your dad through this transition. But do honour your need to explore this part of your life too. Everything in moderation and lots of give and take...with a dash of compromise. At the end of the day, he is your father and has been the most important man in your life so far for better or worse and if he needs some babying and his ego some boosting now that his little girl is growing up...so be it. You can actually both have your way with a little brain. And you seem to have plenty of that.

Once you stop trying to break free and begin to see the humor in the situation your anxiety will start to release its grip. You will get to a better place.

With your current mindset it is perfectly normal that you are looking at things from a negative perspective - you spent so long feeling uncomfortable and victimized. But you made it through and now you are ready to not just make it through but pick up the reigns. Be patient, accept the good and bad days. Avoid too much opposition and practice some detachment. I do strongly advise you to get involved with your parents more however which way possible. And to contact any peers you are vaguely fond of or who you know are fond of you for some light relief. Call someone over to the house if you can't bear to be out. Walk dogs with a friend or neighbour you trust. Go to the grocery store totally alone for the basics. Tiny steps in independance. Anything you can manage is good.

Positive experience helps the brain return to healthy functioning. Even tiniest little triumphs add up.

Shout out when you want to talk, or rant, make sense of things or talk nonsense. Forums are great for all of that.

Well I'm not sure.. I reckon I'd have to move if I went down that path.

I couldn't turn my back and walk away, to him it's really disrespectful and it will only escalate everything. My father hasn't hit me since 5th grade. And the only physical punishment he's done is spanking and slaps to the face.

PHYSICAL PUNISHMENT.

​I am very sorry to hear that your father has resorted o violence. I am from the UK so unsure what age you would have been in fifth grade.

You do not deserve to be treated like this. It is disgusting , shameful and NOT YOUR fault.

​Your reasons for seeking solace and comfort albeit with someone who you have never met are becoming clearer and clearer with each of your postings.

I feel so sorry that you are in this position but I know you will overcome this because you are brave, logical, intelligent, hard working, respectful, understandng. In fact a good, good person.

We cannot choose our parents. However given time and the right opportunities we can get away and live a happy, happy life . That much I do know having done so myself.

However you owe it to yourself to be very careful in your decision making because with the deepest of respect to yourself I can detect a degree of vulnerablity and it seems that as intelligent as you obviously are that you are in a place that may makeit easy for unscruupulous people to take advantage of you.

 This is not intended to be in any way critical of you or your online boyfriend and his family.

Your vulnerability troubles me because you have written that  the ONLY physical punishment you have had was spanking and slaps to the face .

That is terrible.

I wish that you had written down a full comprehensive account of the whole situation.

I urge you to be very careful of your father and the online boyfriend. I would like to know what you intend to do whilst training to be an aquatic vet and how you will survive financially.

Are you able to say rent a place with a group of friends who you can trust and pay your share of the rent and bills?

Are you prepared to sssstart thinking of yourself and that you are an adult and capable of thinking for yourself without being threatened, bullied, degraded by a man , your father, who clearly cannot handle himself in a civilised manner.

You are your own person. You will not turn out like him or your mom. You are you. Never forget that.

You have to think about yourself.

 

Your instinct is correct. It is inappropriate to turn your back on a parent and walk away while they are talking (or yelling). And when dealing with a dominant parent it would be unwise too.

Most parents have spanked their children on occasion until a certain age. In generations prior to yours it was considered appropriate form of discipline.

Your father acted the way he did due to a sense of determination to get through to you and own powerlessness to do it in a more constructive way. Shows again his limitations and weaknesses but does NOT signify abuse. He is domineering and controlling. And while this is heavy for a sensitive person like yourself, the bottom line is that it is surmountable as discussed above by gaining a deeper understanding of who he is and what he means, and steadying yourself by using all the things you have learned so far. It will work out for the best. You will do great! 

 

Sorry for the late reply, it's hard to get the time to be on here.

Is it possible that my anxiety is this bad because of my father's actions? I've always wondered why me.. 

He definitely takes credit for most of my low self esteem.. he called me pizza face a couple of days ago, I have very little acne too. Which I know he kids and all.. but it still digs in  

I can't stop thinking how it would be if my father actually supported my choices.. if maybe then my anxiety would just stop. We also went out to eat a couple of days ago as well, I could barely eat. I forced myself to take the little bites I could manage. Then when we got home my appetite came back and I ate some leftovers.

I eat very little now when I know I have to go out.. because I easily get an upset stomach if I don't have an empty belly. It's terrible 

I have to admit that it was pretty bad once or twice, but I found it rather acceptable by society so I just accepted it as well..

I do disagree with physical punishment, back then it was more of being a good kid out of fear rather than by logic. Nothing was ever explained to me, just yelling and spankings. And if I ever dared to talk it always made it worse. That's why even today when I get yelled at I just freeze up. I can't muster out anything and my mind goes into a self hating shutdown mode. 

To be honest, I feel parents just hit out of frustration and that's just wrong.. 

The day I was sent to school in fifth grade with a hand print on my face for saying I wanted to kill myself to my father was terrible. I can still remember what all went down the night before. I was being yelled at for, whatever it was, and I was really stressed out, emotional, and tired of the yelling. I just wanted the pain to stop, I didn't think how it would effect my parents if I actually did die. Wasn't like I was going to actually try to begin with, I'm too much of a wuss. My parents know that. So in the middle of the yelling I mumbled I wanted to kill myself. My father slapped me, grabbed my shoulders and shook me really hard. I was pushed to the ground. My mother was just standing by watching. I looked to her to help, she just stared. It's a really disgusting memory.. that just leads to more bad memories. Like instead of helping me get over my fear of the dentist, I was yelled at and when we got out of the car outside of the apartment, my mother told me to leave. To go run off. This was before 5th grade, I think 1st or 2nd. The only reason I stayed was because I thought about how I was going to get my food. Not a joke. That was the only thing that went into my head, survival. 

Now fast forward back to 5th grade. That day was bad. I had no idea there was a hand print left on my cheek. Not until my friend pointed it out. It ruined my day extremely.. At recess the group of teachers stared at me and talked. Didn't dare to say anything though, what good teachers. I told my parents about it and they claimed I was lying to threaten them.. The teachers probably thought I deserved it.. maybe I did? I don't remember what I did wrong to begin with to start the yelling.  

Anyways.. I don't know what clicked but one day my father just stopped hitting me.. but the yelling still remains