Anxiety/Hypochondriasis/Existential OCD/Hyperawareness/ Depersonalization Hell
Posted , 24 users are following.
Hi! I'm new to this forum. I've been dealing with anxiety issues lately, it's been about 3 months from and I am not getting better at all. This all started from stress when all of a sudden I had this weird sensation and it led me to thinking I was losing control. The next few days I became really depressed and started depersonalizing, I didn't know what I was feeling at first but I just felt incredibly weird, not myself, and it came to the point that I started getting foggy and my memory became impaired. Talking was the hardest for me, I felt like any moment I was gonna go crazy. This went on for about a month, the feelings of going crazy never went away. Googling obsessively was one of my biggest problems, still is. I've had feelings of unreality, things around me that used to appear normal seem weird to me now. One of my biggest fear was schizophrenia, that I'm gonna start hallucinating sooner or later, that I'm gonna be delusional, but that went away for a bit. My anxiety seem to have gone down since school started, but it was still there. I would still question things around me, when my anxiety elevates, I start performing weird tics from OCD like having to look up or shake my head, weird, I know. Lately I've been so frightened by being hyperaware, like who gets scared of their own self/existence? I'm also weirded out by my actions and everything I do. Everything around me seem to look weirder the fact that I'm aware they exist, I'm aware of my own consciousness which is also weird, then I start questioning why us everything the way it is, why we are the way we are, it's like I'm living in my own head. I've also been having these weird sensations where I would just be doing something then I'd feel off/wrong for a second, like a feeling of I should've done something, or I have an underlying thought but I can't figure out what it is or like my perception of things become so weird, I'm just weirded out at that moment, sort of like a "whoa that's weird" sensation. This sets me to panic because I literally don't know what's going on with me, I feel as if I'm losing control of my thoughts and in my prodromal stage of schizophrenia, I know funny. I've never hallucinated or have delusions, but I obsess over those symptoms so much that I think I have them. Does anyone have this weird sensation I've been having lately? Or at least know what explanation there is for that? I just feel weird, I just went on a schizophrenia forum and this guy talked about how in his prodromal stages, he'd wake up feeling like he shouldve done something or there was something missing, and of course I start thinking what if im the same. I literally feel like I'll never be able to recover and get worse, I've been to a therapist and I have an appointment with her next month, but I don't think she specializes in depersonalization or OCD, and she thinks I'm fine but I just don't think I am. ): Help!
2 likes, 28 replies
GraceRose gwyneth_61184
Edited
Hey gwyneth,I've been diagnosed with Anxiety disorder and panic attacks for going on 17 years now, I do have a good idea what triggered my depression ie...Anxiety and my 1st panic attack felt like I was having a heart attack. The Dr.I was seeing at the time sent me for a stress test ,several different heart x-ray test ,and finally the cup-da-grau(probably spelt that sorry,but I hope it translate,s any who )a Nuclear dye heart .Than went bk to see my regular dr.,oh and I forgot about him giving me a What's called a Full Cluestreal test,he was shocked as me also when all my tests came bk.exceptionally well.Then my Dr told me that he thought I was suffering from depression, Anxiety, and panic disorder, and believe me I was taken bk.by his answer because my left arm was hurt, my heart was pounding like it may come rt.out any minute, I felt dizzy, I even told 911 (which is the only time I have ever called them to come to our home, in the 24 yr.s we've lived here)because we had a county address and 911 system that because I had a newborn baby I was going out in my front yard because if I was having a heart attack I needed them find my baby. I tell you all this because when I had my 1st panic attack the house was calm that day,until my other kids got home from school it was just her an I .Yes our home was going through some stress, but I had gone through way,way,more at other times in our and my life.That just came out of the blue clear sky .I've learned now that several members of my birth family including my mother have the same disorders. My dr.put me on a SS Uptake Inhibitor, I had to try about 6 different ones until I found thert.one that helped me, he put me on 3 .1 (blue football,s)zanex a day for my ,once they started for me it daylie, panic attacks. I can't say I felt like you said that you were feeling. I pray you can find a good dr.that will really listen to what's going on with you .I know dr.s are expensive, but if you have ins.,or Obama Care,I hope my story helped, even just to know that I am sending healing thoughts you're way ,I'm going to say a prayer for you to ,I hope and wish you better days ahead, try some canabis,I have a friend who swears by it ,and she's bipolar. Anyways good luck. ......
athol91131 gwyneth_61184
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Hi. Can I just give a second opinion on that and say DON'T take any cannabis. It may numb you out for a while but it can increase your anxiety and paranoia. I speak from experience. This is not a moral judgment on cannabis but some people react badly to it and some are okay with it. It's not worth the risk if you are in an anxiety state, which you obviously are. I used to fear becoming schizophrenic and imagine I was seeing things. It's just the anxiety, it can do many strange things to you, none of which are harmful. If you are not really seeing things or hearing things that aren't there and you haven't been diagnosed, then you aren't schizophrenic. What's happening is that your own defence alarm has gone off (anxiety) to protect you, but because it has gone off 'by mistake' your brain is now seeking a 'threat'. There isn't any but it looks for one. It could focus on heart attack, mental illness or anything really. The point is that it feels 'there is something awfully wrong with you'. There isn't. It is the feeling you get with anxiety. That's all. There is nothing 'wrong' with you apart from feeling anxious which you interpret as being something 'wrong' with you. It isn't wrong, it is a natural harmless response to feeling stress etc. and prepares you to deal with it. It might not be very helpful and it does feel horribly uncomfortable and the mind goes wild with it but it will do you no harm. You are okay. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. I speak from a lifetimes experience with this thing. All the best x
gwyneth_61184 athol91131
Posted
Hi Athol! Thank you for replying! I've stayed away from weed since I developed health anxiety, when I smoked I had muscle spasms that it was gonna stay with me even when I sober up. After I stopped smoking m muscles always feel tensed and I kept thinking I was on the verge of having a seizure, I even thought I was developing Parkinson's disease but that went away since my anxiety actually became a problem and when I started having thoughts like what if I go crazy. I'm to the point where I identify everything I think of or weird senations that happen to me as weird or a sign that I really am losing my mind. Like I don't know if it has something to do with hyperawareness that I'm actually over aware of my thoughts that I actually think all of them are weird, like when I have imaginations I start thinking I'm schizophrenic. What bothers me the most is I get moments where for a second I feel weirded out, id have an underlying thought but can't figure out what it is, or id just feel off like something's not right, I don't know I can't explain it, it's just weird, it makes me feel like what if I lose plot on reality or I just start dping the most random things , anything you could think of, that would identify me as a schizophrenic, I don't know if I'm dissociating when that haopens or im depersonalizing, ugh or maybe since I think about it too much it happens more often. I read too much online, it's to the point that I don't even know anymore. Maybe I really am going crazy.
phil76209 gwyneth_61184
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Hi,
I second that first comment. DO NOT try cannabis.
It did me no good whatsoever. In fact this is the reason I am ill. But that's another story.
I have depersonalisation and derealization. Feels to me like the world (sight) is unreal. I try to compare what I perceive through sight to how It was before all this nightmare. And it's always the same.
I read up on how stem cells change in the brain with chronic anxiety. Was extremely interesting because it made me realise and change my view that the skunk didn't damage my brain but it was the extreme anxiety brought on by the skunk use that did change by brain.
Knowing the physiology behind the illness seems to help cos it demystifies what you think. You know where you stand.
Whether this is reversible is something I do not know but I'm going to pray it does.
Chilligans gwyneth_61184
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Hi gwyneth 61184! I know you posted this a little whole ago, but I just wanted to tell that I love what you had to say. I've been relentlessly searching Google to relieve anxiety, and this is the first time I've found someone that word for word describes how I feel. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, and also say thank you for posting this. It's all a really scary feeling, and I hope you and I can get relief to it. Best of luck!
jess07129 gwyneth_61184
Edited
Hi Gwyneth,
You have OCD Anxiety and nothing else.
See a Pyschiatrist about some medication for OCD, then begin OCD/ Anxiety treatment.
You'll get better
hema222301 gwyneth_61184
Posted
Anyone please help
Chilligans hema222301
Posted
Hi hema. What SSRIs are on and how long have you been on them? I'm dealing with much of this as well and I am on Paxil (SSRI) and I definitely get what you're saying. It's a lot of trial and error but you are on the path to getting better
Tess_70606 gwyneth_61184
Posted
Dissociation can occur during extreme moments of stress; it's essentially shock and will more than likely dissipate once your anxiety diminishes.
Being that you've created this post 2 years ago, I would assume that you've come to realize that it's not a permanent condition.
Although I don't have first-hand experience with schizophrenia, I have doubt that you are schizophrenic as you were very lucid in describing your circumstance.
I hope you are now in a better place with your stress levels.
mahsaa gwyneth_61184
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wow wow wow! this is fascinating how some of us can have exact same thoughts. I went through the same thing. it started about 6 months ago when I was under a lot of stress for long time (later I realized I was sensitized) and for I got hypervenelation a few times and I freaked out about it then that feeling of unreality started and that was the start of me being a crazy cycle of anxiety (non-stop!!) even thought I was trying to accept the unreality feeling and move on but it was like a switch in my mind was on and I couldn't stop it anymore. after 2 weeks I got intrusive thoughts like thinking about my breathing, blinking .... and that existential dread that I was so aware of my own thought process and being a human! sometimes I felt like how other people don't see how weird it is to exist out of nowhere on a planet that nobody knows where are we who are we... long story short I started therapy and realized I have OCD! I've been studying A LOTA about it. I am in a much better place now but what helped me the most was ACCEPTANCE! also a lot of Exposure and CBT 😃 idk who is reading this desperately thinking she/he is going crazy ... you are not!!! you'll get better and you will become a better person after you will have to go deep inside and know yourself and your thoughts! hang in there 😃
c197722394 mahsaa
Posted
Very recognizable mahsaa... And interesting to hear that the diagnosis was OCD. For me, it started a month and a half ago, all of a sudden (well, the months before I was feeling a bit depressed anyway), I got very "aware" about my looks (mainly because I am not pleased with how I look). It all of a sudden struck me that when I was for example in a room with others, my reality was that I saw them, but their realities were that they saw me, as an "object" in the room, at the same time. This led to severe anxiety, and kind of an existential crisis, with the same existential questions as you describe above. I have been treated in the past with antidepressants (sipralexa) and they usually work quite fine, but this time it seems more complex. I'm seeing my therapist again (who I met 4 years ago, when I was obsessed with the fact that I could have gotten tinnitus after a concert), and I'm also seeing a psychiatrist. He also mentions OCD-like behaviour, as well as an anxiety disorder. He's quite confident (for now) in the SSRI, but after one month on a 10-mg dose and 2 weeks on a 20-mg dose, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm still getting dizzy when thinking about reality/different view points from different people/etcetera. I know I'm quite sensitive to these things anyway, since I had a DP/DR episode when I was 18-19 years old (so strange to "forget" who you are, to feel that your personality is gone; if only back then I knew more about what was happening). I was thinking I was going mad back then as well. Though it is nothing compared to the anxiety/existentialist fears/social fears (I'm a subject, but an object to others) I'm still feeling at the moment. How did the 'acceptance' work for you, and the 'exposure' mahsaa?
mahsaa c197722394
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Hi there! I am sorry to hear that you are going through this thing. We need to accept and be aware that there's nothing wrong with the world but with our mind and what keeps our mind ill are "thoughts". First step is to be aware of your thoughts by "Mindfulness". If your therapist already hasn't gone through mindfulness, definitely ask him/her to teach you that. When your body is sensitized by prolonged stress it loses its resilience and scary thoughts stick to it and how more we don't want them to come, they come more! Feeling of unreality can come from hyperventilation/ adrenaline (from
anxiety), makes you feel foggy and lightheaded. Then people with hypochondria (like me lol) will assume they got Alzheimer or Schizofrenia or tumor ... (I can keep going lol) and the bewilderment of the situation can totally make you feel like you're going mad because it's unfamiliar and hell scary! for me I always was interested in stuffs like evolution, space, biology, physics ,.... but when I got unreal those questions got bolder ans scarier and because it made me uncomfortable I tried to get rid of them but they came more and more.... until I told myself this is what it is and I can't switch this off at once so just told myself tough it up and accept you gotta live like this for as long as it's gonna be and started to do my routines, workingout, hiking, socialinzing.... even more than before because I was like eh... I have nothing to lose lol I decided I am ok living with feeling of unreality and hyperawareness as part of my being! it took time but eventually made me feel better... it still comes every now and then but as I said if you really accept it you have nothing to lose and the thoughts won't be that scary anymore and they don't come often! basically be friends with your weirdness lol Exposure means deliberately put yourself in whatever you are scared of. if you get anxious about experiencing being with other people in a room that triggers your feeling of unreality, you on purpose go to the places that make you feel like that to train your mind you might get uncomfortable but NOT AFRAID! Stop avoiding situations that triggers you! as they said it's better to be Sane than Safe.... hope this helps dear! i just shared my opinion and experience it might not work for anyone tho, but worth a try 😃
c197722394 mahsaa
Edited
Thanks, so kind to reply. Yes I've read about this kind of 'acceptance' therapy, I'm going to try it... I'm seeing my psychologist again tomorrow, I wonder what he has to say about how we can use that kind of treatment for my particular fears/obsessions. Problem is I think there's also depression involved. So it's OCD/anxiety/depression... 😕 And a bit of depersonalisation thrown in as well, I guess as a consequence of the anxiety. Anyway, I hope it will get better soon.
mahsaa c197722394
Posted
I'm sure you will get better! You are very aware of your situation and all these are anxiety playing with the mind... 😃 Good luck!
c197722394 mahsaa
Edited
Strange thing happened... Around the beginning of March, I was really improving. I felt as myself again around that time, and things went well up until last week, around the 30th of April. There was this one strange thought about the absurdity of existence and existing as different "entities" while having dinner with my family, and the anxiety increased again... Now I feel I'm back to square one... I'm afraid nothing will work anymore now. January/February: very bad, March/April: good, and now again very bad. How is this possible 😦 Do you happen to know about these kinds of relapses? I have a good therapist who is very supportive, but I still feel quite alone. I have a great girlfriend and we have two beautiful, fantastic children (twins, 10 years old), and that makes it even harder to cope with all of this because I'm afraid of the effect of my anxiety on them. Could this be "just" a flare up, or a real relapse? Just as I thought the SSRI had kicked in, all existentialist crap and anxiety returned 😦
andrew333 c197722394
Edited
Hi c197722394,
I just read your post and I am shocked to find someone with the exact same symptoms as me. I totally understand what you mean by feeling like an "object" of someone else's reality. I sometimes get this when I am in a meeting in work, for example, I begin to find it incredibly hard to comprehend how everyone at the table has ended up where they are, and exists separately and this feels crushing and impossible. It's not even like i'm particularly existential, however these thoughts are so hard to comprehend that they cause severe anxiety. I also find it incredibly strange how I can, for example, go into a shop and change someone's day by interacting with them. It's so hard to explain but it sounds similar to what you are describing. It's not the actual action, but the very existence of everything that gets to me. I also often think about my own thought processes and wonder why I am making them, and become hyper aware of things which should occur automatically. I wonder if you have found any relief from this? Please let me know if you have anything.
Thanks
c197722394 andrew333
Posted
Hi, I replied but apparently via a PM. Let me know if you want to talk further.
nicola69842 andrew333
Posted
hi both, are you still on here? are you still struggling? for the past month i have such bad derealisation but i keep getting strange thiughts about everything like everything i look at aeems weird and fake its so hard to descirbe i cant gind anyone that feels the same?
sarasmiles757 mahsaa
Edited
This describes mu thoughts and struggles almost perfectly. thank you .
sarasmiles757 andrew333
Posted
I feel this .
mahsaa nicola69842
Posted
hi Nicola! it's been more than two years since mine first started and I want you to know how good and happy I am right now. The reason I tell you this is because I want you to know YOU WILL GET BETTER soon too! Embrace the derealization. that's your new normal! go out hiking, jogging, socializing in spite of feeling of derealization. I totally recommend going to a therapy specialized with OCD and Anxiety too! they can help a lot! don't try to figure out why you get this weird feelings and thoughts and find solution for it. just let it be! to be honest there is no solution! good news is time really helps too! once you get on your routine life and let the time pass, things will start to get better and you become more confident to tour coping skills you will become a stronger person too ! let me know if you have more questions 😃
olivia30667 mahsaa
Posted
Wow your story sounds almost exactly like mine except for three months now ive been experiencing the same that you have. Serious cycles of anxiety and intrusive thoughts and just being very aware of myself and so scared to just live my life because of all of these things. I just dont see a way out at the moment but seeing you say there is gives me hope. Best wishes.
olivia30667 c197722394
Posted
Oh my goodness what you said about "my reality was that I saw them, but their realities were that they saw me" thats exactly how ive been feeling recently and ive been so scared i thought i was alone in this and i was losing my mind and going crazy. Im so relieved to know im not alone and am not the only one whos ever felt like this