Any strategies to get through the low times?

Hi there Jemima

Cope? Mmmmm I am not sure how I cope. Last bout of depression I 'coped' by staying in bed and talking to nobody for days. Is that coping??????

I have (in the past) had suicidal thoughts (become obsessed with them) and actually taken overdoses with the intentions of never waking up again. Thankfully (I think) I have always been found in time and managed to climb out of the dark hole.

A few months ago I was obsessed with suicidal thoughts (hanging myself being the main thought and how I would manage to get a rope so high up (on landing) They remained thoughts, but often wonder if that is because I told my GP about the thoughts. I even made a dvd of the songs I wanted playing at my funeral and a speech :shock: :shock: :shock:

Would I have attempted suicide? I honestly and truthfully can say I don't know.

Well anyway, would just like to say after spending 6 weeks sectioned in the 'looney bin' some 17 years ago, the people who mention their thoughts about suicide are the one that don't attempt it. I mentioned my suicidal thoughts during my last bout of depression on here and to my GP - I never attempted to carry them out. Well okay once a couple of months ago I left the house with a hell of a lot of drugs and alcohol with every intention to end it all - BUT, WAIT :? :? :? I didn't mention it on here or to anyone in 'real' life.

What you need to do is mention your suicidal thoughts to your doctor, it could well be your AD's that are causing the suicidal thoughts.

Melbi x

[quote:5475086e22=\"Melbi\"]Hi there Jemima

Cope? Mmmmm I am not sure how I cope. Last bout of depression I 'coped' by staying in bed and talking to nobody for days. Is that coping??????

I have (in the past) had suicidal thoughts (become obsessed with them) and actually taken overdoses with the intentions of never waking up again. Thankfully (I think) I have always been found in time and managed to climb out of the dark hole.

A few months ago I was obsessed with suicidal thoughts (hanging myself being the main thought and how I would manage to get a rope so high up (on landing) They remained thoughts, but often wonder if that is because I told my GP about the thoughts. I even made a dvd of the songs I wanted playing at my funeral and a speech :shock: :shock: :shock:

Would I have attempted suicide? I honestly and truthfully can say I don't know.

Well anyway, would just like to say after spending 6 weeks sectioned in the 'looney bin' some 17 years ago, the people who mention their thoughts about suicide are the one that don't attempt it. I mentioned my suicidal thoughts during my last bout of depression on here and to my GP - I never attempted to carry them out. Well okay once a couple of months ago I left the house with a hell of a lot of drugs and alcohol with every intention to end it all - BUT, WAIT :? :? :? I didn't mention it on here or to anyone in 'real' life.

What you need to do is mention your suicidal thoughts to your doctor, it could well be your AD's that are causing the suicidal thoughts.

Melbi x[/quote:5475086e22]

Melbi, thank you for sharing your experience since that helps me understand that my behaviour is a normal part of this looney illness. I too stay in bed but from what I've read of your story I haven't felt that low. I'm still functioning at work (how I don't know). Maybe that's another coping strategy, just zombie my way through the day each day being long and difficult, trying not to lose it. It's good to know that if I'm talking about it somewhere then I'm less likely to do it. In my head at the moment I'm too much of a coward to do it. I thought alcohol and drugs. Then I wasn't sure how many tablets would be enough to do it properly. Then I went online and looked to see if there were any suicide letter templates just out of curiosity. I thought perhaps writing one and reading it back would make it seem all the more unlikely I'd do it. I have such a worry about what this might do to family and friends, but then I think, they'd just have to deal with it, and it's probably just my mum who'd be bothered anyway. I'd soon be forgotten. I am much brighter today, it all comes in waves. Some days I feel normal, then others the big black gloomy cloud comes back and I no longer want to go on. Melbi I think you are amazing to have climbed out of that dark hole and are helping me now. Again, thanks ever so much for sharing your story :-) Making the CD was a scary thing. I feel reassured and will tell my CPN on Tuesday my thoughts. However, I'm scared they'll think I'm crazy and weird and incapable and I'll lose my job and so on.....irrational? I don't know, I've never been through this before.

Jemima x x x x

Hi again Jemima

Perhaps now would be a good time to have some time off work and allow your brain and body some rest?

You can't be sacked for being ill :shock: Although I too worried my self stupid when I was signed off sick earlier this year for 4 months due to depression & anxiety.

It all turned out okay.

Nobody is going to think you are crazy - well if they did, it only proves their ignorance. Depression is an illness just like any other illness.

I truly believe that until all the people who hide the fact they are or have suffered depression 'come out of the closet' and speak up, there will always be this mysterious stigma attached to it.

I'd have no qualms about placing a bet on the fact that 75% of the population world wide have experienced or will experience depression at some point in their lives.

Hold those shoulders back and your head high - you are not crazy and just as good as the next person (if not better).

Go forth hun, be proud of who you are, speak up about your illness with no shame and help more people start to understand depression.

I admire your ability to continue working but I would seriously consider taking some time out to allow your brain, mind and body to recover from this terrible illness.

Stay strong and post as often as you can, opening up is great for depression and sharing your most deep and inner fears and feelings.

Love

Melbi x

[color=indigo:cfe9a47dda]Hi, what would I do if I had time off? Today I've been back to bed for 4 hours despite the fact I had 9 hours sleep last night. What if I do that? What if I can't go back to work? What if I never want to go back to work? I'm scared I will lose my house. I’m scared I’ll lose all motivation to ever do anything again. What if I'm still depressed when I go back? I would love the rest and to stop worrying about my performance at work which is below par. I guess there's only one way to find out. I'll see what the CPN thinks Monday. I’m also scared my CPN is going to discharge me before I’m ready. She doesn’t really know the impact of my feelings, we just do the CBT stuff and I go. I’m always in a good mood when I go.

Though I did see my doctor last Monday and tell him I’d had enough, was fed up and didn’t want to go on, but made jokes again. I told him my fears about work too. I guess if I don't allow myself to heal then I'll be rubbish at my job and lose it anyway. Sorry, that's a lot of what ifs.......I have to remind myself depression is an illness, my dad suffered too so I guess I got it from him :-(

I did break down at work on Thursday morning (after 6 weeks of pretending everything is fine in my new job – my baggage comes from my old job) just gone after a terrible night's sleep and anxiety and I was prepared for them to say well we'd better consider you handing in your notice. I told them everything, ADs, counselling, fatigue and depression. They haven’t sacked me yet. I'm in a new job, the old job I broke down on a 3-monthly basis and they did nothing except put more pressures on me and haul me into the office for silly, minor errors that were pinickity that made me more and more insecure.

I truly want to tell the world I'm depressed (but fear their ignorance will make ME feel bad). I've told a few friends but I don't think they understand the seriousness of it. They just say things like \"go out and have some fun\", \"get a hobby\" or something unhelpful like that. Currently, I do nothing except drink alcohol occasionally and message on forums trying to makes sense of the world. I'm trying to give up alcohol or seriously cut down but my housemate just jokes and says \"What you merry again? No surprise there\" and \"you think you won't drink for a month!\" with raised eyebrow. I haven’t drunk since Monday night, when I got blottoed and went to work with a major hangover Tues. Everyday tho, I want to drink just so I don’t have to feel or deal with my illness. Depression is an ILLNESS.

Cognitive behavioural therapy would say why not face your fears and see if your worst fears materialise. Well so far, I’ve told work – it’s early days, but it looks like they want to help. They haven’t threatened the sack. I also cried my eyes out and said I didn’t want to do that job anymore (though I do, it’s been a hard slog – but think I’m not capable/worthy/I’m rubbish). So they would have sacked me by now right if that was the case? I hope they aren’t just saying the right words, but will provide some action too. I was let down before, and I couldn’t cope if they let me down. I will stand tall and deal with this. I don’t want to die. I can’t even believe I’m contemplating it.

Love, Jemima[/color:cfe9a47dda]

I totaly understand wot u saying about work , i had the same feelings and felt if i had time of i was giving in2 the illness and wsa a failure so i kept goin, not recomended i ended up in such a state i was of work 4 22 months and lucky 2 b here not 4 lack of trying. Talk 2 your GP and b honest with every1 especially yourself its not worth it. I started back 2 work this year in january but am assaimed 2 say i do use work as an excusse not 2 deal with things and avoid the painfull times again not recomended just do wot u r comfortable with and dont let any1 push u in2 anything u dont want 2 do, there is only u who knos how your feeling and wot u can do. Yes i no i must sound like a bit of a hypocrite but i find it easier 2 give addvice than axcept learn by my misstakes i didnt and its not a nice place 2 b in. Take care keep posting always a friend and some1 2 talk 2 here.

[quote:93d5a339b0=\"shadow\"]I totaly understand wot u saying about work , i had the same feelings and felt if i had time of i was giving in2 the illness and wsa a failure so i kept goin, not recomended i ended up in such a state i was of work 4 22 months and lucky 2 b here not 4 lack of trying. Talk 2 your GP and b honest with every1 especially yourself its not worth it. I started back 2 work this year in january but am assaimed 2 say i do use work as an excusse not 2 deal with things and avoid the painfull times again not recomended just do wot u r comfortable with and dont let any1 push u in2 anything u dont want 2 do, there is only u who knos how your feeling and wot u can do. Yes i no i must sound like a bit of a hypocrite but i find it easier 2 give addvice than axcept learn by my misstakes i didnt and its not a nice place 2 b in. Take care keep posting always a friend and some1 2 talk 2 here.[/quote:93d5a339b0]

Shadow, I've taken on board your words of wisdom. I'm glad you are still here! I appreciate your input. I shall see how this week goes, work know now (tho not the suicidal feelings), I see my counsellor tomorrow and I WILL be honest with her. My GP knows too and has purposely not given me a repeat prescription so that I have to go back to see him! So....I hope I do the right thing. I worry I'm using this stuff as an excuse for time off work and am scared. Thank you :-)

RELIEF......that's the word for today. I decided to take on the advice of you people on here, Melbi, and Shadow, thank you. I too am learning to accept depression as an illness and that I can drop the shame and guilt and get the help I need. It took me all morning to pluck up the courage :roll: :roll: :roll: and approach my boss and tell her about my suicidal thoughts and that I thought I'd benefit from time off. I will also discuss with CPN tomorrow and see what she thinks too.My employers acknowledged my [u:098bd9d6f9][b:098bd9d6f9]illness [/b:098bd9d6f9][/u:098bd9d6f9]and have granted me the options to do what I think is necessary to get better and they're behind me all the way and will not sack me :shock: (Melbi you were right :oops: ) I think it's time to really get better. Up the ADs, time off, get some exercise if I can and stay off the booze. I'm so tempted to drink :twisted: :evil: , but so far so good. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I'm on the right road to recovery. Thank you so much cuz you made a difference :-) Here's to positive vibes and thoughts.

PS My inner world is cool x

I told a friend with pride what had happened at work and he thinks I've committed career suicide :wah: and that people may use it against me.......burst my bubble. I have to trust you guys and know I've done the right thing.............

Hi Jemima well done 4 wot u have done, u have recognized wot u need 2 do and that is a positive. Regarding your friends advice all that matters is how u feel and getting yourself back on track. It is easy 4 any1 2 say things but until they have experienced this awfull illness and been through the feelings emotions thoughts and everything else that goes with it try not 2 let it get u down 2 much. From wot u have said how u r feeling u have done the right thing, i wish i could of been as strong as u a long time ago but i wasnt and it just gets harder WELL DONE. Now u have made a move dont let any1 knock u down or push u into something u dont want 2 do, its good 2 listen 2 advice but u r the only 1 who knos how u feel and wot u can do, keep talking and be honest your not on your own and there will be some1 always willing 2 listen and talk on this site we all goin through it im sure i speak 4 others aswel. Take care and well done again. :hug: :ok:

Hey Jemima,

Just wanted to add my own experience/opinion to the excellent responses you've had from others.

You have def done the right thing in talking to your boss and letting them know whats going on - and that's great that they have done the right thing, and been understanding and supportive. Now you've done that, all you need to concentrate on is working through this, and getting yourself better -- dont worry about work at all - this time now is for you and you alone.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety/panic attacks for quite a few years now, and always tried to keep it hidden away from people. While I thought I was doing the best thing - keeping the old \"stiff upper lip\", it was destroying me inside. I left my prev job in December (wasn't quite sacked, but it was gently suggested that maybe I needed some \"time for myself\". I'm actually surprised I wasnt let go a long time ago. I worked for a busy TV company, and apart from the odd panic attack in work, I thought I managed to hide the depression fairly well. I was also, however, hiding a serious, and pretty long-term alcohol dependance, which developed around 8 years ago as a way to try and \"self-medicate\" myself from the way I was feeling.

While I was incredibly worried about money and things, with not having a job, I realised I'd got to the point where if I didnt start to try and get myself better, then I would continue to slip further into this horrible illness. I contacted a local clinic, and went though detox from the alcohol. -- This wasnt easy, and left me even more anxious and panicky than before, but I stuck with it,,, and also started therapy with an both excellent psychiatrist and a counsellor.

Since then, I havent been working --- I've taken these few months to work on getting myself better, (which sometimes does involve days spent under the covers in bed, if I'm feeling really low - but if thats what is needed, then thats fine) I've got my AD's, which help with the panic attacks as well, and slowly but surely, I'm getting \"back on track\". It's not an easy road, and I still do have difficult days, but both myself and others have noticed big positive changes. I was worried, like yourself, about my career, but having the time out to get myself somewhat more together, and to take a long hard look at myself has been absolutely the best thing to do.

Now that I feel more able to deal with the things (and yes, I am still off the drink - 8months now!) I've realised that what matters most is following what feels right to yourself, not what others think you should be doing. Instead of going back into a job that my heart really wasnt in,,, I've just started teaching piano again (I qualified 10 years or so ago, but fell away from it gradually as depression and alcohol, etc started to take over my life)

Now, things are going better than they were, but I still do have the thoughts and feelings that you describe --- I do get inexplicable suicidal thoughts coming into my head, seemingly out of the blue. While these are difficult and sometimes distressing to deal with, I just try and take a minute and rationalise a little: These thoughts and feelings are part of this illness which we all here unfortunately are experiencing. I tend to see them as a challenge. That may seem a bit of an odd thing to say, but the way I look at it: This is an attempt by my depression to make me give in to it - the little devil on my shoulder, trying to tempt me to take what it calls \"the easy way out\". And yes, it may seem tempting, but if I did take that option, I would have given in to this illness, and let it win. While fighting it is by no means always the easiest option, I figure its the best --- I do believe we all were put on this planet for one reason or another, and if I let this illness win, then what would have been the point of the 27years I've been here?

Now I'm not suggesting a drast

Hi Richard, thank god you ramble, cuz that's the sort of ramble I need right now! As you can see I'm not at work. I saw counsellor, did really good session, but still didn't get to the crux of my misery. Went to work to chat things through with boss. Told her I want couple of days off to get my head straight. She asked me to think about what's at the crux of my upset and to come up with a plan. I know exactly what ails me. I've put my finger right on it. The issue I've been avoiding for a long time. I don't want to be a health professional anymore, but the loss of money, status and all that I ever worked for is overwhelming. I cried all the way home. Now I am calm. I'm going to change my career. I know the next few weeks are going to be tough. I have to find a way to keep my house (extortionate mortgage), pay bills and exist. I think I'm starting the grieving process for a job that I thought was my future. Now I have [u:3e4fc7a6d4]nothing[/u:3e4fc7a6d4]. Richard, it gives me inspiration and hope that I too will find something I can do and enjoy and be happy. I'm hanging onto the hope you have given to me.

Thank you so much :-)

Jemima

I had a little think, a little cry (ok a lot) and then I re-read my reply here and the bit where I said \"I have nothing\" is an extreme comment.

I have lots of things, I just don't have a career........I still at the moment have a roof over my head and food in the cupboard and food for my lovely cats, I still have my friends and I have you.

Jemima x

Hi Jemima

Well what do we know

You have taken the first step or even steps to recovery.

Life isn't about what we have or own.

Life is about what we as individuals are happy with, things we can afford and appreciate.

You will always have a roof over your head because you are you and you wouldn't want it any other way.

Your cat gives you great pleasure, trust me I know, I had 3 cats up until a few months ago. Oliver, the youngest has epilepsy and got so bad they had no choice but to let him go :cry: :cry: :cry: He would have been 2 this October and was very much loved by us humans as his 2 cat mates.

Smudge and Sooty are my life now in the cat world and oh boy do they know I dote on them!

They cuddle me when I cant sleep. They purr as I stroke them when I feel so down. They brush against me when the world seems so cold and harsh and nobody seems to care.

I love to watch my 2 cats snuggle down and sleep and if the fire is one how they stretch out and show the tummys in complete trust of the people around them.

Roof?

Ooops, sorry I got carried away with my cats :oops:

Jemima you are not goping to find yourself without a roof.

I will make you a deal!

If at any point you do come unstuck and have no roof above your head send my a pm and I will provide you with a roof.

Fair deal?

Just please concentrate on YOU getting well again.

melbi x

Melbi, thank you. I'm so blessed to have an offer of a roof if I need it! I have another friend who offered me one too. So I gotta stop worrying about that. What will be will be. I'm so lucky.

I totally hear you about the cats. I have 2 as well and they've been with me all day and they're such a pleasure I wouldn't be without them. Sorry you lost your other cat, I lost a cat in March too so I know how that feels :-( She was 18 months old. I adore Chewy (after Chewbacca) and Milly. Now concentrating on ME. I'm so glad I've stopped to take a look at things cuz I could have carried on for months not doing anything about my depression.

So glad I found you all on this site!

I hope you are well :-)

Love, Jemima

Hi sweetie

I am already regrettng my decision to delay the op on my elbow but he seemed it would be for the best so I agreed after a few hums and hi's.

Elbow been so painful today I wondered i fI phoned them they would go ahead but I backed out. :cry:

Thing is, I am so damned scared of the operation and going back to when I first fractured the elbow. I have spent 4 months working it to get it where it is now and I know the op will take me back to square one again. I know I am a coward but a coward I am and a coward I will always be - that is me - my nature.

It's like depression, we become comfy within our own zone and dread anyone coming into that and challenging our comfort zone.

As depressives we know our capabilities but at the same time we need to know when we need to push them.

Keep posting and stay strong

Melbi (rambled but hope it made sense)