Any strategies to get through the low times?

OK, so I thought I'd update just so I can think out loud and say stuff. I'm home. I'm tearful, with passing moments of hopefulness and then I think right I'm better then, and then the tears come again. The waves of hopelessness keep on coming. Still trying to figure out the meaning of life and where being off work will leave me. Struggling to really accept my depression. I want to wake up and be ok. I'm thinking of handing in my notice because right now I don't feel like I really ever want to work again. See I got up at 6 am, went for a walk for 30 minutes at 8.30 am. Looked at possible alternative employment.........waves of hope come then, I could do this, I could do that. I still feel empty and sad. I don't want to do anything. I wish I could be a hermit for the rest of my life. I wish I didn't have to try. Lame I know. I'm really tired of trying to be somebody and taking some of the crap life throws at me. The good news is I continue to avoid alcohol, I continue my anti-depressants although everyday I think about stopping, I want to change, but am in a deep rut and again don't know actually if I want to do anything.

They say misery loves company, just wanted to vent to see if it makes me feel better.

Jemima

[quote:bad868abb2=\"Melbi\"]Hi sweetie

I am already regrettng my decision to delay the op on my elbow but he seemed it would be for the best so I agreed after a few hums and hi's.

Elbow been so painful today I wondered i fI phoned them they would go ahead but I backed out. :cry:

Thing is, I am so damned scared of the operation and going back to when I first fractured the elbow. I have spent 4 months working it to get it where it is now and I know the op will take me back to square one again. I know I am a coward but a coward I am and a coward I will always be - that is me - my nature.

It's like depression, we become comfy within our own zone and dread anyone coming into that and challenging our comfort zone.

As depressives we know our capabilities but at the same time we need to know when we need to push them.

Keep posting and stay strong

Melbi (rambled but hope it made sense)[/quote:bad868abb2]

Hey Melbi, how did you fracture your elbow? What's the op going to do? I'd be scared too, would you be awake? I could have an op if I was asleep, awake is another matter. How will the op help you in the future. Sounds like a lota PAIN! Is there anything that would get you through that op?

Love and hugs (gentle on the elbow)

Jemima x x

:-)

My posts are in the wrong order, but never mind :-0

Jemima

Hi jemima i am feeling exactly the same icant keep up the act any more i have never felt so isolated as i do now :cry: Im not as strong as u i have turned 2 trhe drink and pills and self harm and anything else i can think of. I tried 2 talk 2 my boss at work but just got laughed at so now y bother any more. I dont no wot i want were i want 2 be just feel like i want 2 be on my own stop all meds and wot will b will b i just wish the pain stop. I feel like im invisable and just an object that does wot needs 2 b done and no 1 is seeing me. Sorry 2 go on hope not burst any1 bubble i just feeling crap how can u b ok one min and the next feel like ther no light at the end of the tunnel and y bother any more. Sorry folks 4 goin on :cry: :cry: :cry:

Shadow, you have been such a help to me! I hope that this crappy time will pass soon for you. I can't keep up the act either and neither should we have to, right?! Try to keep with the meds and hang in there. (((hugs))). I hope the light at the end of the tunnel appears soon. I too am struggling with the, one minute I'm fine, the next I'm thinking about my pill drawer and whether I've got the guts to wash the lot down with whisky. That's how I'd do it. A little bit inside me tho hopes someone would find me and save me. However, that's unlikely..... So........please hang in there, I'm thinking of you. Keep posting.

Jemima

Hi there Jemima and Shadow and a very good morning to you both

I fractured my elbow when I fell down the stairs. (Sober!) LOL

I had a displaced fracture of the radial head. :roll:

The pain is ok some days, some days I just want to lie down and try and put it somewhere comfortable. :cry:

Jemima please don't hand your notice in just yet. :shock: :shock: :shock:

I too felt the same as you and at the time felt like I didn't want to work anymore as the effort seemed too much :oops:

I have been back at work since July (started back on a phased return) Now I'm back full time and loving it again. So please don't be too hasty with your decision.

In fact I don't think anyone suffering a dark and evil bout of depression should make any major decisions about the future.

Please wait a few months and see how you are feeling. Obviously if you are 100% sure that work is the thing contributing to your depressive state then maybe it is something you should consider, but no rash decisions and that's an order :D :D :D

Shadow, Sorry you are probably not going to like what I say but it has to be said. Alcohol alone is a depressive! The feel good factor soon turns to the down and out feelings followed by depression, anxious feelings etc. I know it is a quick fix at the time, but please do try and avoid it. Your AD's are not being given the chance to work as your brain is having to constantly fight the effects of the alcohol. If you are truly fed up with the depression then please leave off the drink. I'm not saying don't have any (though it is highly recommended while taking AD's) but don't use it get that good feel factor or relaxed feeling.

Have you spoken to your GP about your drinking habits and why you drink? I'm quite sure that if you are really struggling to lay off the stuff your GP will have some sort of drug that can help you.

Look at it this way - do you want to suffer depression and be an alcoholic? Isn't one or the other bad enough to have to deal with - never mind the 2 of them put together. :shock:

I have also used alcohol in the past for the same reasons until one day I just couldn't cope with the depression the day after and knowing that alcohol exaggerates the depression I stopped drinking. It wasn't easy and to help I would go to bed early just so I could avoid the alcohol. Now when I feel I need a quick fix (alcohol) instead I have a long hot soak, play some relaxation music then snuggle down in front of the TV with a good film.

I really do hope you find a tactic that helps you to avoid the alcohol and helps you on the road to recovery.

Take care the both of you and keep staying strong.

Melbi xxx

[quote:e8a15a8760=\"Jemima\"]Shadow, you have been such a help to me! I hope that this crappy time will pass soon for you. I can't keep up the act either and neither should we have to, right?! Try to keep with the meds and hang in there. (((hugs))). I hope the light at the end of the tunnel appears soon. I too am struggling with the, one minute I'm fine, the next I'm thinking about my pill drawer and whether I've got the guts to wash the lot down with whisky. That's how I'd do it. A little bit inside me tho hopes someone would find me and save me. However, that's unlikely..... So........please hang in there, I'm thinking of you. Keep posting.

Jemima[/quote:e8a15a8760]

Jemima,

I read your and Shadows posts.I've always thought of depression as that monster lurking just outside your field of vision waiting to pounce and drag its victim away. Just a metaphor obviously, but I suspect you'll know what I mean. Or maybe like the invisible monster in Forbidden planet (if you've seen the film) that can't be seen.

I always find Shackleton's quote \" Better a live donkey, than a dead lion\" helpful. We all think we've made horrible and maybe even shameful mistakes with our lives from time to time and that there's no turning around. But it's not really like that. You don't have to push yourself on and on when you're ill or be so hard on yourself. Life's better than that or can be. It's only when we're down for long periods, seemingly without an end, we loose our ability to see it or a way out.

I wouldn't blame you for the decisions you've made whilst you've been unwell and maybe you can understand that you're just being cruel to yourself. Before you think of handing in your notice try to speak to your union rep as maybe that can speak to your employer on your behalf and work something out. Worth a try?

Love life regardless of it's meaning (Dostoevsky wrote that I think, but I'm probably misquoting it) Life doesn't necessairly have to mean anything so you may be looking for meaning when there is none to be found. This doesn't have to be a bad thing. Or you may have a faith you can turn to. But just to get outdoors feel the wind against your skin or the sun on your face or to sit down and just mediate on the moment, the here and now is good in itself. It's why I used to go walking before I got too busy with work/career and life became so unbalanced. We're not so far evolved that we don't need to keep in touch with what we are or how amazing the world around us is.

I'll return to work on Monday despite a relapsing into depression again over the last 9 months. This time I've tried the radically different tack of accepting the help I'm offered by my doctor. Not like me at all, but then isn't that often part of the problem.

I no alcohol is not the answer but at the moment it the only thing stoppin me doin anything more. I dont no wot to do or how 2 cope living 2 much in the past with haunting memories and not coping 2 well have no ware 2 turn 2 and lost my best mate the only person i could talk 2 2 suicide missing her like hell sorry 4 being so week and pathetic and giving depression a way out 4 me at moment just nlookin 4 easy way got nothin left am just 1 of the weaker 1s. :cry:

[color=violet:8e41eb76fc]Hi, good metaphor, I do get what you mean! I have let myself spin into a downward spiral of negative thoughts and making huge decisions (ok Melbi, no decision making!!!) whilst I feel so down.

I think if I start working on turning my negative thinking around a little, stay off the alcohol and realise that I need some down time, rest and recuperation, then I’ll be able to see things with the clarity to understand that it’s just the monster and it needs putting in its place with fervour.

I’ve stopped pushing myself and I’m likely to take off next week too. I am hoping to think of many strategies such as the long hot soaks, reading, meditating, CBT and so, that might help to make me stronger. I’ll hang in there and know it will get better.

You are probably right, looking so hard for the meaning of life is another cruel way of searching for something that perhaps I’m not meant to know yet or have.

I do hope that work for you is ok Monday and you too will be able to work things out with the help of your doctor.

In my journey of self discovery I have found that actually everyday I’m thinking I don’t like me and I don’t want to be me, and every single person out there is better than me – I am somehow gutter like material.

ME - well there’s something I cannot change!!! I am who I am. Hence the saying “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”. My work is therefore cut out for me to work on liking me again regardless of the rest of the world. I cannot have a ME transplant, I can’t buy a new ME, I have to work on the ME that I have, because I have got to live with ME for the rest of my life. It’s going to take a lot of time and patience. Since this has been the case for the whole of my life; I hope I crack it this time, because I’m 34 and I don’t want to go through this again.

Shadow, I urge you to consider getting some help, please don’t struggle along on your own (I know........it seems like that’s our only choice).

I was reading about the 500 functions the liver performs that are essential to our bodies, including hormone regulation and hence effects on mood. It’ll be very difficult to move forwards until you get help for the drinking, it is a vicious circle.

Everyday I want to drink my troubles away – for me alcohol is an element of my life that has brought me here today. It hid my feelings, affected my physical functioning and ability to see things for what they are and to perform my best at work. Anyway, off the soap box now.

I want to fight the monster in my life and kick her right out of here. Of course, that’s going to take time because this is depression and it’s not an overnight cure, right??!!!

I’m staying strong. Shadow, keep posting. I want to listen. Crocodile, thank you so much for your insight. Good luck Monday :-) Melbi, I love ya x x x[/color:8e41eb76fc]

OK, I identified this:

[size=9:6b00ea6029][i:6b00ea6029]ME - well there’s something I cannot change!!! I am who I am. Hence the saying “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”. My work is therefore cut out for me to work on liking me again regardless of the rest of the world. I cannot have a ME transplant, I can’t buy a new ME, I have to work on the ME that I have, because I have got to live with ME for the rest of my life. It’s going to take a lot of time and patience. Since this has been the case for the whole of my life; I hope I crack it this time, because I’m 34 and I don’t want to go through this again. [/i:6b00ea6029][/size:6b00ea6029]

OK I accept I have to work on ME, but where do I start? I want to get back into work and make a go of things, where do I start? Counselling has helped me identify some of my problems, but how do I solve them? How do I feel better? I want to go back as if nothing had happened. I'm still deciding if to go to work tomorrow.

Funny really, I don't feel sad today. Just empty.

Just pondering......Jemima

Hi to anyone reading! :?

I'm feeling much brighter. I'v printed off masses of stuff re: stress/burnout and depression and the strategies to help cope with the low times!!! I feel better for having some strategies in place and have taken a further week off work (hope the doc will give me a sick note :shock: :evil. Taking the time off has really helped me get clarity and some calmness in order to deal with my feelings of depression :wink: . Just wanted to share a little positivity. Thanks for the tips and advice and support!!!!! Anyway, got some work to do to recover from the monster attack and kicking its ass outta here :twisted: .

Hope this message finds you well.

Jemima x x x x :lol: :D

Hi, I am improving, but I'm still low. I think I expected to feel great overnight. I'm not convinced the anti-depressants are helping me, oh so tempted to stop!!! I just want to sleep, yawn and I just don't feel all there. I'm still 50/50 as to whether I want to live or die :shock: :shock: . Didn't ever think that was a choice before. Now I do. I haven't quit my job. I went back to work Tuesday because I was feeling high on Monday. I've flattened out again though don't feel I'll have another emotional breakdown (I really hope not).

All the help I'm receiving is fantastic, but it's not quite hitting the mark yet, you know what I mean? You kinda know you need to do stuff to feel better, but you still feel like it.

Ramble over for now.

Jemima x

Hi jemima its good 2 hear u feeling better and improving. Dont just give up on the meds just like that it do more harm than good (believe me) if u feel they not doin enough talk 2 your GP. It good 2 hear u not quit your job but dont let any1 rush u back only u no when u r ready do things at your own pace. Sorry not mean 2 go on but iv made thease mistakes (and still am if only i could take some of my own advice). Keep the good work up and stick with it hang in there well done. :hug:

[color=indigo:7cc87b5f61]Hey Shadow, I am feeling better. I am continuing meds, but feel a little worried about them, don't know why. Thank you for the hugs. I'm craving alcohol. I've been feeling better, but Friday, I binged on about 2 bottles' wine and vomited all next day. I'm on wine again tonight, but only 1/3rd of bottle. I'm scared I won't stop. I hadn't drunk for ages like a week ago, I had 3 small glasses, then a week free before that. Now I know how you feel Shadow, but you and I both know alcohol is the last thing we need, so why are we drinking it? I don't even smoke, and I fancy a cigarette, I happen to have some upstairs that belonged to a friend on a night out a couple of months ago, when I got wasted again. Could I have a problem? Or am I just worrying too much. I'm feeling good right now :-) Are these signs that things aren't quite right. I almost would like to think I'm going through the terrifying teenage troubles, that I missed out on. You know, going out and being wreckless. I've never been wreckless and have an urge to be so.

Been thinking about changing from Fluox to St Johns Wort??!!!

Anyway. That's me for now. Hope you are okay, Shadow.

Jemima[/color:7cc87b5f61]

Hi jemima i 2 have hit the drink in abig way again and am having cravings and thoughts of all the bad and wrong things and have started cutting again and so no how u feel. Iam not proud and am ashamed of my behaviour but just calnt stop myself am feeling so low and frightling alone at the moment suicidal thoughts are very strong and are with me most of the time at the moment so messed up not even no how 2 go about that (wish some1 could come along and do it 4 me). Sorry if i put the downers on any1s mood got no ware 2 get all this crap out of my system. Its good 2 hear you feeling better jemima keep up the good work u doin good. I wish i was stronger instead of being such a hypocrite.