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At my wits end with my husband’s problem

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Ravella
Ravella

Hi, I have joined this group because I am now at my wits end and am very seriously thinking of ending my marriage.  I would not say my husband is an alcoholic but I would say he has a problem with alcohol.  He only drinks when we go out which could be two or three times a week.  However, after he has drank a bottle of wine his personality totally changes, you would think he had drank six bottles! it is like I am with a totally different person, he becomes very immature and more recently becomes very aggressive although not violent.  He cannot hold any kind of conversation because he doesn’t know what he’s talking about and friends don’t ask us out any more because he is an embarrassment. Alcohol has always affected him in this way but as he gets older (64) he has become worse. I managed to get him to see the GP and although he pointed out many reasons why this happens and advised my husband to stop or cut down, he hasn’t and just lately he has got so bad I have refused to go out with him.  He never has a hangover because his intake is not that much so I feel it is something to do with a brain reaction when the alcohol gets into his blood. If anyone has experienced the same thing, any advice would be helpful please, I am so desperate now.  Thank you. 

1 like, 24 replies

24 Replies

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  • olivo
    olivo Ravella

    Posted

    I would respectfully suggest that your husband may be a secret drinker-i.e. he has a secret stash somewhere and is topping up his intake unknown to you. Normally a hidden bottle of vodka somewhere, so YOU think he has had a bottle of wine, but he's also had a half a bottle of straight spirit----Normal alcoholic behaviour

    • Kb225
      Kb225 olivo

      Posted

      As someone who did this I completely agree that this is very probable as to what is happening 

  • Robin2015
    Robin2015 Ravella

    Posted

    Hello Ravella. Detox is necessary and try C3 Foundation and watch the videos as well. Very successful😀

  • l71207
    l71207 Ravella

    Posted

    Unfortunately I would have to agree with the earlier suggestions of secret drinking because I did the same with my wife and she never knew. At least I thought she didn't but that is what would happen to me when we would drink. Also when I would give her a drink I would sneak another. I hope he just has a sensitivity to alcohol because that would be simpler to remedy.

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 l71207

      Posted

      I was also a secret drinker for so many years and my wife did not know. Stopped 5 1/2 years ago and feeling much better.
    • l71207
      l71207 Robin2015

      Posted

      That is an awesome accomplishment. So few are able to do that. I follow TSM now and with the support of my wife have totally turned my life around. I can't believe how much has changed for the better and she is still by my side.

  • JulieAnne101
    JulieAnne101 Ravella

    Posted

    Hi Ravella

    Yes I can see that some of your Husbands behaviour resonates with how my Husband used to behave. The many lies he told when he was drinking.

    From what you are saying he definitely has AUD Alcohol Use Disorder.

    If he no longer has hangovers, that is another danger sign.

    He is most probably drinking more than 1 bottle of wine, this is what he is admitting to you. I used to find empty bottles hidden all over the house.

    Is he functioning at work drinking these amounts? Something will give. He has to realise that he cannot go on like this.

    I am not a gp or any kind of professional, but I understand that yes, the brain is altered with prolonged large amounts of alcohol taken.

    There are new treatments out there other than abstinence, which this forum can help him with, but you cannot do it for him he has to WANT to.

    Does he admit he has a problem or is he hoping it will all go away?

    Kindest Regards

    JulieAnnex

  • Ravella
    Ravella

    Posted

    Thank you all for replying and for your welcome advice.  JulieAnne101, thank you for putting a title to this problem, it does help to make sense of this problem.   I know that alcoholics can be secretive and very crafty but the thing is we are retired and spend much of the time together and I can 99% say for sure he isn’t hiding bottles away or drinking in the day, this is why I feel it is a brain changing problem/Illness. 

    No he will not admit he has a problem, he is in complete denial  because he doesn’t feel the change or recognise it, he feels he is normal when he’s been drinking.  He does take medication for blood pressure, colestoral and tablets for arrhythmia but the doctor said the alcohol and the tablets together shouldn’t have an adverse effect and I agree because he was like this although not as bad before he started taking the tablets. 

    I will watch more closely now to find any signs he may be drinking secretly but I am not holding out much hope on that one.

    He does have other psychological issues which you would never notice unless you live with him so maybe I will ask him to see a psychologist/psychiatrist who specialises in this problem.

    Thank you all for your insight, help and advice.  

    • vickylou
      vickylou Ravella

      Posted

      Hi Ravella

      Julie-Anne’s post is a brilliant reply and is based on her experiences with her husband.

      The suggestion that you take your husband to rehab would only work if he admitted he had a problem and recognised he needed help. 

      I wouldn’t admit I had a problem at first. It was only when I recognised I’d a problem and needed help, that gave me the desire to want to get better.

      Other people may disagree, but the desire to want to get better has to come from him. He may agree to go to a ‘rehab centre’ or AA, but it’s a waste of time if doesn’t think he’s got a problem.

      As regards secret drinking, we know every trick in the book. It’s amazing what you can hide.  Vodka behind the bath panel. I’d often have a long soak in the bath!!! Then go downstairs and have a glass of wine with my husband.

      The Sinclair Method, although I used other medication has the highest success rate. The thought that he may not be able to drink again, maybe putting him off admitting he has AUD. He can still drink with TSM, which is why I think it’s so successful.

      AA for me was a complete waste of time. I know some people have found it helpful. For me, being told by a load of strangers that I was weak and a failure, unless I gave myself to a higher power, I found too humiliating and more often than not, I’d buy a bottle of wine on the way home as I felt such a failure.

      He needs to first admit his problem, small steps. You can’t force him or take him to get help, because he doesn’t think he’s got a problem.

      ?You can support him if and when he admits it, listen to him, try to get him to open up. YOU CANT DO IT FOR HIM, whatever anyone else tells you.

      Good luck,

    • JulieAnne101
      JulieAnne101 vickylou

      Posted

      Hi Vics

      Yes 100% agree that Ravella's husband has got to want to get well. It will be difficult if he is retired, which means he's not accountable to anyone apart from poor Ravella.

      I'm hoping he will admit he has a problem without something drastic having to happen.

      Hope you are ok Vics. We are very well

      JulieAnnex

    • Ravella
      Ravella vickylou

      Posted

      Hi Vickylou,   You are right of course, to succeed at anything you have to want to do it yourself.  Unfortunately though I do not think he will ever admit he has a problem, in fact when I bring it up he blames me and says the only problem he has is me.  I suppose all people who are in denial blame everyone but themselves. 

      It is heartbreaking because when he hasn’t had a drink he is the most loving, caring and genuine man you could wish to meet, we have a great family and we could have a fabulous life if it wasn’t for this.  Also I’m getting older and I can’t handle  it anymore, it’s killing me so if he won’t face up to it then for my own sanity and health, I will have to leave. 

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 Ravella

      Posted

      I loved in complete denial for years and my wife threatened to throw me out with suitcase etc. Also explained it all to my parents.my father was a drinker and stopped 10 years before via the aa. She had threatened before but was livid! Also had 15 months old twins!!! I stopped 5 1/2 years ago. Not a drop...perhaps your husband needs such a challenge?
    • JulieAnne101
      JulieAnne101 Ravella

      Posted

      Hi Revella

      You obviously know your husband, so would a separation work? An ultimatum of sorts?

      Please look into TSM online it is a wonderful option which my husband is having great success with when nothing else was working. My Husband was very poorly, and had multiple detoxes over the years which worked for a while, but the drink always won because his brain had been altered.

      It might help if your husband could see that total abstinence is not the only way

      Regards

      JulieAnne x

    • Ravella
      Ravella JulieAnne101

      Posted

      Hi JulieAnne,

      I have looked into TSM as you advised and it looks amazing but getting my husband to try would be a different  matter as he does not believe he has a problem.  I think that is because he only has a drink when we go out. What he doesn’t get is what that drink does to his brain.  I will discuss this with him but if he won’t give it a try then I will have no alternative other than to leave. I doubt even that would make any difference because he can be very stubborn as well.  

      Regards

      Rav

    • vickylou
      vickylou Ravella

      Posted

      Although I didn’t use TSM, the results are amazing, I used acamposate (campral) which is an anti craving drug.

      I am going back over 20 years when my drinking was at its worst and had 3 children at home. My husband would repeatedly say after each of my binges, “right that’s it, I’ve had enough, I’ll take the kids to my mums and move in with her, you can sit at home and drink yourself to death”

      Of course he never did, until one day he did, I’d pushed him to the limit and it wasn’t fair on the kids.

      I honestly never thought he would leave. The first day was great, I could drink what I wanted, no pretending to be sober. Second day I was sure he’d come back. By the 4th day I was a wreck. I clearly remember looking in the mirror, what a mess. At one time I’d be up early, showered, hair and makeup done by 8am and school run 8.30am

      I couldn’t find my bank card, so,had no access to cash, but I needed a drink. Ended up raiding the kids money boxes and got a bottle of vodka. Had a couple of shots, then saw the discarded money boxes and realised just how low I’d sunk. I’d reached my rock bottom. I phoned my husband, admitted I needed help and couldn’t carry on like this.

      He took me to the drs, who prescribed ( an old fashioned drug, which can be fatal) and medication for a home detox.

      It gave me a shock him actually leaving and made me realise I had a problem and needed help.

      Like your husband, I wouldn’t accept I had a problem, so why on earth would I need help. I didn’t want to admit I was scared to death at the thought of never drinking again.

      Ive spoken to many people who’ve said the fear of not being able to drink again is what stopped them admitting it.

      That doesn’t have to be the case now. I actually went 4 years without a drink. However I constantly craved one, I gave up socialising because I couldn’t drink. AA was useless for me and so I started again and was soon drinking more than ever.

      A new gp suggested acamposate which I took for about 10 months and turned my life around. No craving like before, it didn’t bother me not drinking for a year. I very slowly started having the odd glass of wine, and can now drink ‘normally’. Yes I’ll drink a fair bit at parties or when I want to. Never secretively, never alone and no spirits.

      Sorry for rambling on, I’ve probably bored you to death.

      Keep posting and good luck

    • vickylou
      vickylou

      Posted

      Sorry, the old fashioned drug was Antabuse (disulfuram)
    • vickylou
      vickylou JulieAnne101

      Posted

      Hi Julie-Anne

      I am fine thanks, apart from being weak willed, defensive, angry and messed up taking so much alcohol and medication haha, sorry my poor attempt at sarcasm.

      Glad to know your husband is doing so well, your life must be so different. I’ve got all the family for Father’s Day lunch, 11 in total.

      Ive just replied to another post that at one time this would have been impossible. I’d be getting sloshed in the kitchen, the timings would be all wrong. I even forgot to turn one of the ovens on once, so we had no meat!!

      We would all sit round the table, no-one really saying much, me acting as if everything was fine, opening bottles of wine which no-one apart from me wanted.

      One meal was so bad, that OH said this is inedible and had to take them all out whilst I went to bed.

      Good to hear from you

    • JulieAnne101
      JulieAnne101 vickylou

      Posted

      Hi vics

      Yes the horror of it all never really leaves me. Oh does not even remember a quarter of it. He always says he does not want to rake up the past, which, I can understand as I know he feels guilty. I keep telling him that it is not his fault. I think he feels most badly for his children, but he couldn't have been that bad a Father as they are all speaking to him.

      The DVLA are getting him tested for the return of his licence understandably, of course he will pass all of their tests, thank goodness.

      I am so glad you are moving on from that terrible chapter in your life. I'm not sure which is best, remembering or not remembering what used happen. Try and keep hold of the thought that it was not your fault.

      That's enough of my lecturing today lol xx

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