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At my wits end with my husband’s problem

Posted , 14 users are following.

Ravella
Ravella

Hi, I have joined this group because I am now at my wits end and am very seriously thinking of ending my marriage.  I would not say my husband is an alcoholic but I would say he has a problem with alcohol.  He only drinks when we go out which could be two or three times a week.  However, after he has drank a bottle of wine his personality totally changes, you would think he had drank six bottles! it is like I am with a totally different person, he becomes very immature and more recently becomes very aggressive although not violent.  He cannot hold any kind of conversation because he doesn’t know what he’s talking about and friends don’t ask us out any more because he is an embarrassment. Alcohol has always affected him in this way but as he gets older (64) he has become worse. I managed to get him to see the GP and although he pointed out many reasons why this happens and advised my husband to stop or cut down, he hasn’t and just lately he has got so bad I have refused to go out with him.  He never has a hangover because his intake is not that much so I feel it is something to do with a brain reaction when the alcohol gets into his blood. If anyone has experienced the same thing, any advice would be helpful please, I am so desperate now.  Thank you. 

1 like, 24 replies

24 Replies

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  • amanda1827h
    amanda1827h Ravella

    Posted

    Hello Ravella,I am so sorry to read your story.I know exactly your situation as both my late parents were sadly both alcoholics.My Mother died in 1975 & then my late father never 're married but I had to look after him.My Husband was very caring & we looked after my Father for 7 & a half years.Many a time following the ambulance up to the hospital & I was accused of starving my dad.But you can't force them to eat.Explain to your Husband he only has one liver.We don't have any children as my Father was too drunk & demanding most of the time.Now my Husband has cancer, so I am very anxious & also with Arthritis like my hubby.I live in Surrey.where are you from? If I can help I will by listening.regards Amanda

    • Ravella
      Ravella amanda1827h

      Posted

      Hi Amanda,

      Thank you for replying.  I am so sorry to hear what you have been through, it’s heartbreaking.

      I live up in Cheshire so quite a distance from you but it’s good to know there are people like you that one can turn to who will listen and who understands. Thank you so much, Rav

  • hillary76950
    hillary76950 Ravella

    Posted

    Hi, I have the similar problem. My husband has always been an active person, he loved sport and fishing. But after his retirement, he started to go out and drink with his friends. Now it happens almost every evening... 
    • Ravella
      Ravella hillary76950

      Posted

      Hi Hilary, thank you for replying. It is sad isn’t it when you look forward to retirement and then you can’t enjoy it because of the problem with alcohol.  My husband loves football and in the season meets his football friends one night during the week. We go out about twice a week and if I can keep him to one bottle of wine he is ok but one or two glasses more and he turns into a man I don’t know. The doctor has said that in some people it affects the neurotransmitters in the brain and changes their personality. In the case of my husband he becomes very nasty as well as nonsensical.  Of course he is in denial and thinks there is nothing wrong. He says it’s me who has a problem. x
    • JulieAnne101
      JulieAnne101 Ravella

      Posted

      Really tough when they are in denial.

      How about recording him? I know it's a bit sneaky, but it might make him realise what he is really like after one too many. I wish I had thought of that when my OH was drinking heavily, he never really knew just how bad he got. Not physically violent, but definitely verbally abusive

      Feel for you

      Kindest Regards

      JulieAnne x

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 JulieAnne101

      Posted

      Recording is a good idea. He will be embarrassed and hopefully stop or reduce the intake.
    • Ravella
      Ravella JulieAnne101

      Posted

      JulieAnne/Robin - I have thought about recording him and actually my son suggested it just yesterday but I am not sure how I would do it . I have an iPhone that would record him but it would be a bit obvious.  My husband sounds like a clone of yours JulieAnne.  xx
    • Ravella
      Ravella JulieAnne101

      Posted

      JulieAnne, I had a rather heated “chat” with him today after another episode last night. He really cannot accept how he is and says if he is that bad it’s because I wind him up! 

      I think you know how it goes JulieAnne, I am living in hope that this time he will get help as he has agreed to do and in the meantime he has agreed to meet me half way for now and not have more than one bottle which is all he can handle. Watch this space. xxx 

    • l71207
      l71207 Ravella

      Posted

      Do you really think hes going to stop at 1 Bottle? It seems to be that he gets bad when he drinks more than one bottle so if he could just do that he wouldn't have so much of a problem if he could stop. I definitely was that husband who kept drinking and could not stop for the longest time and then I wouldn't be myself. My wife would keep asking me to just drink A few shots or just a few drinks but I would inevitably either keep drinking or sneak some. I hope your husband has more control than I did.

    • JulieAnne101
      JulieAnne101 Ravella

      Posted

      Hi Ravella, how are things? Is your OH still in denial?

      You can buy a small audio device for around £30. Hearing himself behaving abnormally should work.

      Blaming the partner is typical behaviour I believe. Thinking back, until I made my hubs understand that it wasn't his fault either, was the first small step forward. AUD is not a moral failing, the alcohol alters the brain and nervous system.

      It's was a long haul, but once I accepted it wasn't his fault, I felt more able to support him.

      My husband was very poorly, it was only when a consultant told him that he could die from the seizures he was having especially the way it was affecting his heart, that he started to look at medication to help him. He tried Campral first and is now successfully following TSM.

      I understand that not everyone gets Dts and seizures. Your husband needs to be honest first, by writing an honest drink diary. Keep plugging away, you will get there

      Keep in touch

      Regards

      JulieAnne x

  • vickylou
    vickylou Ravella

    Posted

    “He never has a hangover because his intake is not that much” Clearly the amount he is drinking is too much for him to change and react like he does and for you to stop going out with him.

    He is obviously in denial and until such time he admits he has a problem, or realises how much it’s affecting you, then he’ll just continue doing what he does.

    If he only drinks when you go out, and you refuse to go out with him and friends have stopped asking you out, is he going out drinking on his own then?

    If he doesn’t drink at home, he’s not a daily drinker, unless of course he’s drinking secretly. I know I used to drink a lot more than my husband knew about. I’d pour wine or vodka into plastic water bottles, or empty pop bottles.

    Im not saying your husband is doing that, but it would explain his behaviour and the change in him after ‘one’ bottle of wine.

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