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beating myself up again...

Posted , 5 users are following.

tracy19830
tracy19830

despite my wish to stop drinking I had kinda convinced myself that I could share a bottle of wine with my friend tonight.  she doesn't know how bad my problem is so she suggested a catch up and wine.  after all, I am the friend that's always up for a catch up and a bottle of wine, I amaze people with my ability to function the next day, my  ability to hold my drink better than the average rugby player, I 'deserve' with such a stressful life, blah blah I?!  argh!!

I said yes.  

lots of excuses, I didn't wanna tell her im giving up, I figured that the most I will have is half a bottle since we're sharing - people can have half a bottle, right? maybe I can use that old will power I had a few years ago where I could make myself stop after 2 when in public....   who was i kidding? The fact that I can no longer stop at 2, the fact that it's become daily rather than a weekend thing, the fact  that This has been going on for years is why I need to give up!!!  

she cancelled on me, im not going to be drinking.  However, i was gonna.  I'm furious with myself!  

1 like, 14 replies

14 Replies

  • hope4cure
    hope4cure tracy19830

    Posted

    Your mind is controlling UR cravings &is sabotaging UR attempts to be sober. 

    Talk to UR doc to find serious alternatives for u to live life sober! confused

    • tracy19830
      tracy19830 hope4cure

      Posted

      It's 8pm and I'm already laying in bed - i will NOT goto the shop.  I think my earlier thoughts have scared me a bit, reminded me that I need to give up (rather than think I maybe should give up cuz im probably drinking a bit much).  

      Maybe hiding in my bed at the age of 39 is cowardly?  But it will get me through tonight.  

  • matthew7979
    matthew7979 tracy19830

    Posted

    Sorry this is a little late your time.  There is nothing corwardly about hiding in bed.  We all have different methods for the same end result...  sobriety.  As far as I am concerned, your "fail" is a win-win for you.  First you know that you have to just say no if you sobriety.  You will not be able to go out a share a bottle.  Secondly, you can be mad at yourself all you want, but the bottom line is that you did not drink!  If we judged ourselves on things we wanted to do in life, there would not be many people around lol.
    • tracy19830
      tracy19830 matthew7979

      Posted

      Late is not a problem, sleep eludes me.  Having said that, the local shop has shut, its 11pm, the two local pubs have now called last orders/time at the bar.  Cowering in bed or not, ive made it through day 2!  

      I'm gonna walk into my 1st ever AA meeting later this week...  

  • PaulJTurner1964
    PaulJTurner1964 tracy19830

    Posted

    You didn't drink though Tracy, you could have used that excuse (I had already got into the mindset so it's not my fault) but you didn't smile We all think of doing things that we shouldn't do, like beating hell out of someone that annoys us but, if we don't actually do it, there is no need to punish ourselves, we showed restraint, as you did by not drinking.

    I would suggest that you come up some ready-made excuses for such situations. You might decide to tell the truth or you could use another excuse, initially, such as 'I am on anti-biotics.' The problem with that one is that she might have still come round and drank in front of you. Genuine friends will be supportive if you explain that you have been relying on drink a bit too much and are going to stop drinking. Those who are only interested if you are going to drink heavily are not concerned about you as a person and not worth bothering with.

    Stop punishing yourself and congratulate yourself on your restraint after she cancelled smile

  • garyjameswood
    garyjameswood tracy19830

    Posted

    Mmm, them early nights! I found myself heading off to bed with my laptop at anywhere from 8pm also, can i ask are you sleeping or spending most of the night telling yourself you can sleep? honest your on the right track just keep at it as i think everyone keeps saying its one day at a time!  You need to try and find something to occupy yourself when you get that "DRINK BRAIN" its said that every 12 weeks it hit you, just one or a couple "il be ok"! if you find someone you can trust and talk to mybe a friend or familey member but tell them the truth as the worst thing you need to keep doing is lying to yourself and others as thats what we do when we drink, I found starting to tell the truth is a massive jump and to be honest you'll find that everyone knew anyway! Theres no need to give excuses you've done nothing wrong your an adult and made a wrong choice and isnt that what life is all about choices? also you know there's a problem because your here talking to us lot, chin up your doing the right thing.  Go and speak to your doctor, theres not much they can do but they point you in the right direction, ask him/her to refer you as this will reduce the waiting time as to be honest it doesnt happen over night, you might need benzo's or some other meds to help with withdraw'l depending on severity that is, alot of docs and specialists advise not just to stop drinking as this can cause severe problems! so you need to go and see your GP and most of all BE HONEST when they ask how much you drink as they are there to help not to criticise! Good luck

     

    • hope4cure
      hope4cure garyjameswood

      Posted

      Gary ,

      really encouraging post. 5 smiley's from me. biggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrin

      LIFE IS A GIFT,

      HOPE

    • tracy19830
      tracy19830 garyjameswood

      Posted

      Day 3 for me today.  

      I'm in bed (new habit) and i havent drunk!!  

      It was a little easier today.  Not physically, but mentally, I was so annoyed with myself yesterday and that carried me on through.  

      Day 4 tomorrow - ive never had a day 4!

    • tracy19830
      tracy19830 garyjameswood

      Posted

      Oops, I forgot to answer : not much sleep happening here im afraid, hot and fearful all night, cold and jumpy all day & wondering whether my jaw will remain clenched until the end of time (it's causing a killer headache, but on the plus side, I cant drink with a closed mouth).   

      *I'm not meaning to sound flippant, im making a sorry attempt at humour and longing to feel comfortable in my own skin/mind.  

    • hope4cure
      hope4cure tracy19830

      Posted

      Hi Tracy..

      i just want to encourage u that there will be day 4,5,6 too infinity...biggrin

      please be kind to urself.. Ask for help it's important to talk to UR dr.

      this is UR healing journey. I am very proud of UR efforts I know u understand all to well the temptations of the mind.

      My family has endured from the madness of alcoholism. My story is posted .. My life was brought to a standstill when struck by a drunk driver. Then later my son became a alcoholic.. 

      Take it one day at a time , on hour at a time . Not one more drink! confused

    • garyjameswood
      garyjameswood tracy19830

      Posted

      Morning, hope last night was'nt as bad! as to myself and hopeforcure's comments about going to see your GP, this is so important for your recovery and the steps you need to take to move forward as once you have these goals it makes it a little easier to stop thinking about what time the shop closes! As i said last night your making a great choice to do what your doing and its you thats made that choice and thats a massive step forward, good on ya! Get yourself a diary and start writing down your daily tasks and when you most feel like having a drink, write down everything you feel throught the day, do this every day but try and change a your pattern each day ie. instead of making a cuppa and sitting down in front of the tv go outside with your cuppa, as soon as you start thinking about drink at all try ringing someone or talk to someone outside but talk about something else rather than whats in your head! You have a thought process to go threw i found my DRINK BRAIN would be trying its best to convince me i would be ok having a drink while my self concience would be telling me you dont need a drink do something to stop these thoughts. You do understand your a great person and your much loved by people, youve just went down the wrong ally and hit a deadend so you just need to turn around and get back on the street! Day 4 go buy a diary..............................Good luck speak soon

       

    • garyjameswood
      garyjameswood tracy19830

      Posted

      By the way i got the closed mouth thing LOL! Also all these symptoms that your going through are all normal just think of it as a cold or flu its horrible but you will get over it, CO-Codamol can help but once again ask your doctor first or pharmasist. As i said last night your doctor mabe able to give you something to help you sleep and get you over the withdrawl, I said before day 4 buy a diary my mistake day 4 make an appointment with GP THEN go buy a diary LOl, Chin up!

  • hope4cure
    hope4cure tracy19830

    Posted

    Hi Tracy,

    Please look Under the discussion by YLT...titled "Can't stop drinking". Scroll way Down to YLT > Matt see red color type is the blog on this site .

    The blog I snagged is on that YLT post. It's on a co UK . So it should be ok.. It's a blog on this UK site. Not directing any place else. So my above post is what I am refering to that is waiting for approval.. I did't want u to wait so PLZ head on over to the above referred discussion by YLT u will be please tlc surprised. biggrin

    Emis Moderator comment: the link is below to the comment - any user can post these links to other discussions/comments in the forums and they will not go for moderation.

    https://patient.info/forums/discuss/can-t-stop-drinking-270710?page=0#563601

     

  • emma84640
    emma84640 tracy19830

    Posted

    Hi Tracy,

    I got desperate yet again and wrote a really long letter to my doctor about why things were really bad with my drinking. The usual doctor appts were just not long enough to go into detail what I was going through etc. My doctor admitted he hadn't realised how bad I was and has agreed to refer me. So I am waiting for a letter now :D

    Apparently there are a few new drugs available e.g. Nalmefene that act by reducing the pleasure of drinking. They have helped people reduce their intake by a lot. I'm hoping once I get referred that I can try this medication as im clearly not managing to control my drinking alone.

    It is definitely worth being open with your doctor. Mine has been brilliant and really supportive.

    Lots of good luck xxx

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