Posted , 4 users are following.
So I am not asking to be diagnosed, of course. I see a therapist and psychiatrist and have been thinking more and more about bringing this up, but it is seriously tough (I'm sure there plenty of good reasons why) and up until now, I haven't brought this up to anyone. I thought this would be a good first step. Basically, I started therapy a couple of years ago, citing depression and some anxiety to my mom and therapist. At the time, I felt like I was dealing with more but I literally just couldn't figure it out, like I knew I was experiencing what I said I was but it somehow didn't feel like the MAIN problem. Since then, I've gotten worse by quite a bit and I've been educating myself on mental health so much. When I first stumbled up BPD, it felt like I hit something deep within me, but I felt like it just couldn't be right because all I knew of BPD was what I'd read in "The Science of Evil." Basically: pBPD don't have empathy. My thought at the time was basically that BPD was nearly the same if not worse than antisocial PD. So finding out that I had all these symptoms scared me. Now I am working really, really hard to accept that I do have these issues, and that they are issues I really don't like. I a super unstable mood. I go between being euphoric to feeling that I am actually the scum of the planet in seconds and then to being angry beyond belief at someone for something that I shouldn't even be annoyed about. I find myself being so self absorbed that when I catch myself being that way it's actually hard to believe I could get to a state like that. I have addictive personality, the second I enjoy something (including drugs, we, and alcohol) I fall head first in it and it takes over my life. I fall hard for people, like one good conversation with someone and suddenly they take up my mind and become "the one." I'm crappy to people that don't deserve it. I feel like my personality is so transient, like I take on traits of people I hang out with or characters from TV shows. I constantly don't know who I am/feel like I'm putting off a different persona from one day to the next. I suffer from obsessive thinking and depersonalization, which I feel goes along with feeling like I don't know who I am. I also feel like I'm manipulative. What I hate so much is that when alone I can see all of these issues a lot more clearly and I feel terrible about a lot of it, but the second I interact with someone it's like my mind spins out of control and it is so hard to keep watch of. I've basically isolated myself. I have refrained from drugs and drinking even though a part of me (the part I hate) wants to so bad, because whenever I smoke now I lose every shred of rational thought and become a paranoid, stupid, anxious, person willing to do anything. I'm sorry this is so, so long haha. I appreciate everything you guys have to say. I just know things are getting worse for me. I feel like I'm losing touch here.
3 likes, 33 replies