Believe I may have BPD and I'm really suffering

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So I am not asking to be diagnosed, of course. I see a therapist and psychiatrist and have been thinking more and more about bringing this up, but it is seriously tough (I'm sure there plenty of good reasons why) and up until now, I haven't brought this up to anyone. I thought this would be a good first step. Basically, I started therapy a couple of years ago, citing depression and some anxiety to my mom and therapist. At the time, I felt like I was dealing with more but I literally just couldn't figure it out, like I knew I was experiencing what I said I was but it somehow didn't feel like the MAIN problem. Since then, I've gotten worse by quite a bit and I've been educating myself on mental health so much. When I first stumbled up BPD, it felt like I hit something deep within me, but I felt like it just couldn't be right because all I knew of BPD was what I'd read in "The Science of Evil." Basically: pBPD don't have empathy. My thought at the time was basically that BPD was nearly the same if not worse than antisocial PD. So finding out that I had all these symptoms scared me. Now I am working really, really hard to accept that I do have these issues, and that they are issues I really don't like. I a super unstable mood. I go between being euphoric to feeling that I am actually the scum of the planet in seconds and then to being angry beyond belief at someone for something that I shouldn't even be annoyed about. I find myself being so self absorbed that when I catch myself being that way it's actually hard to believe I could get to a state like that. I have addictive personality, the second I enjoy something (including drugs, we, and alcohol) I fall head first in it and it takes over my life. I fall hard for people, like one good conversation with someone and suddenly they take up my mind and become "the one." I'm crappy to people that don't deserve it. I feel like my personality is so transient, like I take on traits of people I hang out with or characters from TV shows. I constantly don't know who I am/feel like I'm putting off a different persona from one day to the next. I suffer from obsessive thinking and depersonalization, which I feel goes along with feeling like I don't know who I am. I also feel like I'm manipulative. What I hate so much is that when alone I can see all of these issues a lot more clearly and I feel terrible about a lot of it, but the second I interact with someone it's like my mind spins out of control and it is so hard to keep watch of. I've basically isolated myself. I have refrained from drugs and drinking even though a part of me (the part I hate) wants to so bad, because whenever I smoke now I lose every shred of rational thought and become a paranoid, stupid, anxious, person willing to do anything. I'm sorry this is so, so long haha. I appreciate everything you guys have to say. I just know things are getting worse for me. I feel like I'm losing touch here.

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  • Posted

    Hi, it is worth bringing it up with your psychiatrist if only to have it ruled out. Your symptoms are regular depressive symptoms, whey medication if any are you on and for how long? NeilĀ 
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    • Posted

      Hey and thanks for the reply! I am thinking of bringing it up, maybe at my next session. I'm on Paxil right now at 15 mg. I've been on it maybe 2 and a half months right now. I think it might be having some results, but I am on a low dose still. I'm going to increase it soon and see it goes, but so far not real negative effects either.

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  • Posted

    Hi. I have Bipolar. I don't know where you are? I'm in the UK. WE are only given the amount of medication we need. So, we can't increase our dosage. That has to be done by a review with a Phychiatrist . It sounds like you have been self medicating.(Drugs/alchohol) Which is a bad idea. If anything it will make your symptoms worse. You need to open up about all your sypmtoms. Writing them down is useful. You need a proper diagnosis so you can get the right treatment.  It sounds as if you may need a mood stabilser as well as an antidepresant. The dosage would be increased until there are results/improvement. The right treatment really can make a diference. Good Luck xx

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    • Posted

      Hi, and sorry just bad use of words. I'm in the US and it's the same system, I meant with I am raising it to 20 mg soon with my psychiatrist's approval, which he has given. I have recently looked at mood stabilizers and would be curious in trying it for sure. And I was definitely was self medicating in a sense, a quite addictive about it. I'm out of that now and have been for a bit, it just sometimes is tough. Thank you for the reply and good luck to you too

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  • Posted

    Hi, I'm not familar with the medication you are on. Is it an antidepressant? From what you describe in your symptoms I would say you need a mood stabiliser. But I'm no expert. Only on my own Bipolar! I take Quetapine and Venlafaxine. High dosage's. It's trying to find the right level of chemicals in YOUR brain. The serotonin. Everybody is different..... It would be a good idea if you could start a mood diary. Every day. And, show that at your appointments. How often do you se your Phychiatrist? Do you have mental health teams that you can see between appointments?? You need as much support as you can get. What about your family?? I have god friends. My family don't know much about Bipolar or self harm. And, won't educate themselves. So, some of the things they say are hurtful. Like, 'pull yourself together'. I have 4 sons. 2 of them, hate my guts, because of my behaviour when I'm manic.

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    • Posted

      Paxil is an SSRI antidepressant. I've been seeing my psychiatrist once and month and my therapist every two weeks. It seems to be enough right now but maybe more often would be nice. My girlfriend is really supportive for sure, and my family doesn't know much but are still supportive. I don't have much outside of that because I've always had bad social anxiety, but I feel I've been isolating myself a bit recently. I'm sorry about what you've been dealing with, I don't have quite the same issues but I understand how tough it it.

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    • Posted

      hiya, I was diagnosed with emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder and anxiety for 2 yrs. prior to that the doc medicated me for depression. I've now got a diagnosis for depression too from psychiatrist.

      Mental health is sooooooo confusing! I could go on any of the 'self test' sites and they would say I've got Aspergers, bipolar, ptsd etc. The trouble is alot of mental health issues can contain traits of others. This is especially found in borderline and bipolar, sharing many of the traits and experiencing similar issues. But they are very different. Often being misdiagnosed with each other.

      The trouble with borderline, in my experience is that we get alot of bad press, we are portrayed as nasty ppl, manipulative and unable to be kind, empathise or just generally be a good person. Some ppl are. Me personally, I care too much about others, I over analyse EVERYTHING, worrying if I've upset some1 or if they don't want to be around me. Then I isolate myself, get angry with myself, hurt myself.I take everything out on me. Yeah sometimes I get angry at ppl....don't we all but I've never physically hurt any1, I think I've shouted at 3 ppl in my whole life. sorry about all the gabble...I'm useless at getting to the point.

      If u feel u may may have bpd, maybe you could ask to see your psychiatrist and talk it through with them. Try not to compare urself to others as every single person who has depression, anxiety, bpd, bipolar, ocd etc feels it different, we may share the same diagnosis but we are still individuals. It's like self harm, every1 that harms harms if different way, even like me... I'm a cutter but the way I cut, the severity,my routine and what it specifically does for me is individual to me. xxxx

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    • Posted

      Yea, I think I will bring it up, I'm just a little worried about how he will react to it and what he will have to say. I like him though haha he seems like a nice guy. And I get what you're saying, sometimes I worry because I do get mad and irritated toward people a lot for tiny things, but the times I have actually lashed out are actually pretty low. I tend to take it out on myself like you. I've never self harmed in the traditional sense (cutting and the like) because I am too scared of my gf and family seeing and I'm actually really scared of it, but I actually have wanted to do it more than once as punishment/getting anger out. Instead I just do things I know I'll feel bad about. I isolate myself, give into things, eat terribly, ignore people, blow off school work, things like that. To the average person some of the things I do to hurt myself seem like not a big deal, but they actually hurt me a lot because I'm sensitive like that hahah.

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    • Posted

      Please don't ever feel that the way you deal with you're emotions is not important. The way you punish yourself is individual to you and it doesn't matter if it's isolating yourself or physically hurting yourself. You're still hurting. I used to watch a drama programme called ally Macbeal(spelling is probably wrong lol) On one of the shows something has stuck with me. A girl asked ally "what makes your problems so much worse than anyone else's?" ally replied " because they are mine.) whatever goes on in your head is painful to you...regardless of all the suffering in the world.

      Maybe before you see your psychiatrist it may help you to make some notes, reasons why you think something has been missed. If he's good, he will listen and either agree, or disagree but completely put ur mind at rest.

      I remember going into a psychiatrist meeting with a 17 page essay telling them all they already knew, telling them they are not helping me, diagnosing myself and basically having a go. I was listened to, and then they explained things all over again and I realised what I'd wrote was completely wrong....oops.

      I had to fight for my meds as my social worker wanted to go down the 'holistic' approach, but I'd kicked off at my mental health centre, punching walls, screaming and broke my toe kicking wall. but they told me I couldn't go back if im angry, this made me 50 times worse....I was always angry. so how did they expect me to go to sessions.

      Then I tried a different gp. omg! was the best thing I've ever done, told her everything, she phoned the psychiatrist and demanded I get put on meds.

      If u have a good gp who is supportive it's a massive help.

      I'm glad physically hurting urself scares you...keep letting it scare you cus it's an addiction you really don't need xxx

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    • Posted

      That would definitely be a good idea to take notes. I guess I've just been told for the past couple of years that I'm dealing with depression and anxiety, and it's not that I'm not because I am haha, but it has just always felt like it was part of something else if that makes sense. It's not that I really want to be diagnosed with BPD or something else, I just want to make sure I have the right diagnoses and treatment. What did you try to diagnose yourself with in that 17 page essay that was so wrong? I'm just curious and you don't have to answer. Thanks so much for your reply!

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    • Posted

      Ahhhh you're very welcome x

      I completely understand what you mean....when I got diagnosed it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I have always been emotional, but the last 17 yrs have been really bad, especially leading up to me realising I needed help, I just could not function at all.I was totally out of control.

      my 17 page essay consisted of me saying I've had no help and support, quoting off the mental health hand book with reasons why I thought I had ptsd, aspergers and depression. telling them they might be wrong and that I have bipolar.

      It was only depression that i continued to disagreed with as I knew I had it. I simply cudnt get any lower. I had to go to my doctor to get antidepressants. Then when we had a new psychiatrist he was shocked that ppl kept telling me I was wrong and that I did have depression as well. The proof was in the pudding wen I started antidepressants.....it helped so much.

      xx

      just remember, you are the expert of you! Only you know exactly how you feel. X

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    • Posted

      Yea, I've been scared about having aspergers and more as well haha. The only reason I've been stuck on BPD is because it seems to fit me so well, of course I want to wait until a psychiatrist says so before I believe I have it for sure. Thanks for the advice, it's really helpful!!

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    • Posted

      Hi Chilligans.

      I was just wondering how you are getting on and if u've managed to bring up and of your worries with psychiatrist?

      Wishing you well xx

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    • Posted

      I appreciate you checking in.

      I've actually just lost someone pretty close to me and really close to a lot of people around me, so it has been a tough couple of days and will continue to be. I'm doing pretty well though there are positives to taken from everything going on. My next appointment with my psychiatrist is the 14th, so I have a couple of weeks and I will think of what to say to him then.

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    • Posted

      I'm very sorry to hear that. I hope you manage to get through this very painful time xx

      I hope you get on ok on the 14th. Let me know how you get on if you feel upto it.

      take care xxx

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    • Posted

      I will actually be very busy up until the 14th, so I will make it fine I think. Thank you a lot for your kind words, and I'll update

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