Believe I may have BPD and I'm really suffering
Posted , 4 users are following.
So I am not asking to be diagnosed, of course. I see a therapist and psychiatrist and have been thinking more and more about bringing this up, but it is seriously tough (I'm sure there plenty of good reasons why) and up until now, I haven't brought this up to anyone. I thought this would be a good first step. Basically, I started therapy a couple of years ago, citing depression and some anxiety to my mom and therapist. At the time, I felt like I was dealing with more but I literally just couldn't figure it out, like I knew I was experiencing what I said I was but it somehow didn't feel like the MAIN problem. Since then, I've gotten worse by quite a bit and I've been educating myself on mental health so much. When I first stumbled up BPD, it felt like I hit something deep within me, but I felt like it just couldn't be right because all I knew of BPD was what I'd read in "The Science of Evil." Basically: pBPD don't have empathy. My thought at the time was basically that BPD was nearly the same if not worse than antisocial PD. So finding out that I had all these symptoms scared me. Now I am working really, really hard to accept that I do have these issues, and that they are issues I really don't like. I a super unstable mood. I go between being euphoric to feeling that I am actually the scum of the planet in seconds and then to being angry beyond belief at someone for something that I shouldn't even be annoyed about. I find myself being so self absorbed that when I catch myself being that way it's actually hard to believe I could get to a state like that. I have addictive personality, the second I enjoy something (including drugs, we, and alcohol) I fall head first in it and it takes over my life. I fall hard for people, like one good conversation with someone and suddenly they take up my mind and become "the one." I'm crappy to people that don't deserve it. I feel like my personality is so transient, like I take on traits of people I hang out with or characters from TV shows. I constantly don't know who I am/feel like I'm putting off a different persona from one day to the next. I suffer from obsessive thinking and depersonalization, which I feel goes along with feeling like I don't know who I am. I also feel like I'm manipulative. What I hate so much is that when alone I can see all of these issues a lot more clearly and I feel terrible about a lot of it, but the second I interact with someone it's like my mind spins out of control and it is so hard to keep watch of. I've basically isolated myself. I have refrained from drugs and drinking even though a part of me (the part I hate) wants to so bad, because whenever I smoke now I lose every shred of rational thought and become a paranoid, stupid, anxious, person willing to do anything. I'm sorry this is so, so long haha. I appreciate everything you guys have to say. I just know things are getting worse for me. I feel like I'm losing touch here.
3 likes, 33 replies
2357 Chilligans
Posted
Hi, again, sounds as if, in a way, you have even more questions. I, really think you have to get the correct diagnosis. Yes, it could be a few things, or several, that overlap. Without a diagnosis, you can't get the right medication for you. So, it is about letting your Phychiatrist know absolutely everything..... Yes, I would do lots of notes. (I always do for anyone I see)!! But, I still think doing a daily 'mood' diary or journal, is a valuble thing. For you mainly, to look back on, but also for your Phychiatrist to read. May help with your diagnosis.You may have a way to go for that to happen. Sometimes, these things can take time. But, they must know, 'what they are dealing with'. And, yes, we are all, individuals. Even, if we have the same 'label'. I, self harm, when things are so painful and I can't cope. That is a very personal experience. Even if we have the 'same label' for that. It's a very private thing. That, many, many don't understand. Many think, we do it to kill ourselves. Some may do. But for others. it can help us, at the time, we do it. I'm probably, not helping much. Just been through my own crisis. And the MHT are visiting me at home. And having a med review soon. Which, I'm terrified about. Them reducing one of my meds. Which. has been tried before. With devastating results. So, am stressed about that. So, may not be making much sence . Good luck xx
xxlouixx 2357
Posted
Hi 2357
I totally agree with doing a mood diary, it will be really helpful for a psychiatrist.
Sorry to hear you've just been through a crisis. I can't understand why they would lower your meds when you have just been through that!
I hope your review goes better than expected. xxxx
2357 xxlouixx
Posted
They haven't lowered them yet. But in thhe passt thhey lowered my Quetiapine before. With devastating consequuences. I attempted suiciide.. Then put back up. Which is why I'm nervous at this review..... I was to go for a colon ct scan with contrast. And they sent me this stuff to take which was Iodine. Turns out I'm highly allergic. I had chronic sicknessand diarrhea for over a week. I couldn't even keep a sip of water down. which meant, I couldn't keep down/take any of my meds. Including my Bipolar meds. (I take Morphine, for back pain). I was in the most terrible state. I wanted to die I felt so bad. I had the most awful hallucinations, hearing voices. Phycosis. I, had to stay there until my sickness was under control and I could take all my meds again. I never want to go through that again. It was frightening. I'm Disabled anyway and have daily carers. Who have been a wonderful support. Anyway, hence the crisis team coming in and the planned review. xx
xxlouixx 2357
Posted
Omg you have been through it! Im lucky, all my meds have suited me, but I don't have any other physical illnesses to cope with on top of it.
My friend suffers with bipolar, she was on sertraline doctor switched it to lithium i think....
but they told her to stop sertraline one day then start lithium the next. My poor friend was in a state to say the least! When she saw the psychiatrist he was so angry about what had been done. xx
I hope they don't mess you about, and you find what suits xx
Chilligans xxlouixx
Posted
What a dumb idea on the doctor's part! I was off of paxil a few weeks ago because of running short on pills and after four days it was already hell.
Chilligans 2357
Posted
Yea, to feel that I have more than depression and general anxiety is one thing, but what that is is another. You've been through so much! It sounds like you are more than on the right path, and I wish you the best of luck. Keeping a mood diary/daily journal is something I've really been needing to try, I just need to do it. Thanks so much for the suggestions
2357 Chilligans
Posted
Hi, I thought, I'd just check in and see how you are doing, Not long now, until your appointment? Have you managed to make any notes or start a mood diary. It does sound as you have more than just depression. It's fully likely that you are not on the right medication? And, that can make a lot of difference..... A quick update on me, if that's ok. The Phychiatrist and a Doctor, came out to see me on Friday. He was wonderful. Sat down on the bed next to me. Explained a lot of things to me. After I told him everything. I had made about 10 pages of A4. He read themcarefully and past them to the Soctor to read. I told himmy fear of having my medication lowered. He said, no way am I going to do that. Huge relief. He said we are still having the crisis team in to support you. But the visits, instead of,every other day,will be twice a week.And then, I will be past over to other support. Which will be ongoing. So, I'm feeling a little stronger each day. And, so lucky to have all the support I've had. So, keep us updated on how you are. I do belong to a few support groups on Facebook. And that's really helpful to chat to others. Even if you're having a crap day. We understand how it feels. xx
Chilligans 2357
Posted
First off, I'm really happy about how your visit went. It sounds like things went about at well as they could and you are on a great path. So, that makes me really happy to hear haha. I started writing about my general issues for myself and to show to my psychiatrist, and I got quite a bit down when my app suddenly shut down and lost it, so I wanted to give it a day to get started again as it annoyed me a lot lol. I got some good stuff down though, I have realized the extent that I've been down on myself. I struggle with feeling that I'm a terrible, disgusting person. When I feel happy, make a minor mistake, have a bad (yet uncontrollable, aka not my fault) thought, or if I begin to feel any love for myself I have a gigantic need to get down and punish myself. Like, "no, you're a terrible human being, you don't deserve to be happy. You aren't suffering. You're just a liar." Those thoughts are constant for me. I am making an effort I never have before you love myself and it is so terrifying, because I'd been becoming numb to how terrible I felt and now that I'm trying to get better it's like all the pain is coming back, but I don't want to become numb this time. I want to work through it. But, yea, I just didn't realize how much I hated myself. I didn't expect to say all of this haha. I'm just working on accepting it all, and I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 14th. I am feeling as though the medication I'm on may be helping, and I'll see where that go as I'm not even on a theraputic dose yet because I'm sensitive to medication. I really appreciate your comments, I sense a lot of empathy in them and it means a lot. I'd love for you to keep me updated to. What support groups are you a part of?
2357 Chilligans
Posted
Hi, again. Many thanks for your kind comments. I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday. More of a reactive depression to an email, with something, I need to deal with and realised I couldn't cope with. Anyway.....
?I think, making the notes you have done, is such a positive thing. Not only for you and for the Phychiatrist. And, so, I'd say.carry on with it.
Working through such big issues by your self, is extremely difficult.
I think, you need a lot of therapy sessions and then, perhaps CBT.
?Your Phychiatrist, can refer you for that. And I think it's crucial, you ask for that.
?A lot can be discovered through therapy. Talking every through. And I think that's what you need and would be really beneficial. And helps you to cope. This could also help, with your correct diagnosis. Then, you can receive the right medication....... Stay in touch xx
Chilligans 2357
Posted
I am actually with a therapist who died CBT right. It's nice, I just feel that maybe I want something a little more specialized for me. I'm sorry to hear about your breakdown, that sounds tough but understandable. I will try and keep at those journals and give you updates
2357 Chilligans
Posted
was that a therapist who died or did??!!
It's good CBT is working for you.
The Phychatrist is the best person to refer you for what you need after you discuss it. Once he has the full picture.
It's good you are going to carry on with your journal. That in it'self can be quite cathartic.
?It might be a good idea to do a daily mood diary seperate to that?? You can download them on line.
Ashley025 2357
Posted
He meant, "did." CBT right. It's the auto correct I think😁
Chilligans Ashley025
Posted
Ashley025 Chilligans
Posted
Lol I knew it was a mistake.😂👍At least I had a good laugh. Thanks