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Borderline Personality Disorder - Please help I cant go on !

Posted , 26 users are following.

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Guest

I hate this label but it seems to be the most popular diagnosis around at the moment with psychiatrists . I am judged as attention seeking and emotionally unstable . I am told that I am unable to sustain healthy relationships as I always destroy them . I have been made to feel so inferior and been told I am a " bad coper " . I am branded as becoming too dependant on services . When I feel genuinely suicidal I am taken no notice of and not believed . I am told Im not depressed and shouldn't be taking any form of antidepressants .Because of my label the standard of care I receive for any medical issue is affected . As soon as anyone is told of my diagnosis nothing I say is believed . I am made to feel a burden on the system .

Whenever I interact with the community health team it seems everything I say or think or do is interpreted in terms of my label - it all has to fit neatly into the appropriate little box . I am treated as a label and not as an individual .

My care plan lists all the services and support systems I am to be denied . It dictates - in capital letters - that under no circumstances am I to be admitted to hospital for mental health reasons - not that I would like to be don't get me wrong but it is assumed that I constantly try to get admitted by the way I behave . I am also to be denied short term crisis beds at a local respite centre - something I actually found very helpful after a major crisis last year though I was told it wasn't helpful . My opinions don't seem to be taken into account . I am denied home based treatment by the crisis team - in fact the only crisis team intervention I am allowed no matter how bad my situation is a single telephone call . I am told I should not access support groups or interact with my friends who also have mental health issues .

Last year I made a serious suicide attempt . I felt so totally desperate and hopeless and tired I simply could not go on . I had asked for help in the weeks leading up to my attempt. I had clearly stated that all I wanted in life - in fact what I wanted more than anything else was to be at peace and die . I told my worker I had made plans .

Ironically when you are suicidal everyone tells you to ask for help yet because I had been honest and made a difficult decision to ask for help I was told I didn't mean it . A few weeks later I was on a ventilator in intensive care and friends and family were told by staff to prepare for the worst as I was unlikely to make it through the night .

What is life like now ? Every day I wake up and want to die . I don't live I exist . I merely use " coping " strategies to get by . The pain within is unbearable . I feel so totally isolated and alone . The future looks hopeless and I don't know where to turn for help.

I have had short term psychotherapy which helped a little but that is about to end and I feel what now ?I see a CPN once every 3 weeks or so for what is essentially a pointless appointment . It doesn't seem to matter how difficult I am finding things it produces no response whatsoever . They don't listen and quite frankly I feel they don't seem to care .

Im so tired of the daily battle . I cant sleep and I cant eat . I have no motivation to do anything and nothing gives me any pleasure . I am 50 this year . My life has been pointless . I see no purpose to it . Is there anyone out there who can help ?

3 likes, 34 replies

34 Replies

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  • deee
    deee

    Posted

    That you feel you have been `judged' by mental `health' professionals is a disgrace. I am appalled by what has happened to you. Appalled! How dare they behave like that? As a former counsellor I am ashamed to be part of that. As a former patient I too have had some dreadful experiences, like being bullied, threatened and actually held down while they did shock treatment. This in a private hospital, but as you have experienced, you have no comeback on these bad, bad people. So you go past them. I hope they realise that they’re not immune. Your story is a classic, though I’d like to think not ALL the so-called pros are that bad. However I’ve seen far too many who are.

    Thank God you are still alive.

    YOU HAVE TO MAKE A MOVE - I’M NOT KIDDING - RIGHT NOW! YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER. I BELIEVE YOU ABSOLUTELY - I’ve been there! I’m only here today because of a hotel maid - It was the 2nd attempt only week after I’d spent 2 days on life support. You might not be so lucky. You are obviously a very strong woman to be here at all, and able to reach out for help. Though it is so awful, I think, underneath, there is a person who knows it should be better than this, and you have reached out - Good on you.

    Of course NOTHING is a magic bullet but your experience of the `system’ hasn’t been helpful so...

  • Guest
    Guest

    Posted

    Thank you so much for your reply it means so much to be believed . Im crying as I write this because my 18 year old daughter walked out on me yesterday . We have always been such a close family but she feels she cant cope with my depression any more . Thank you . I feel so desperate
  • Guest
    Guest

    Posted

    Can anyone out there with my diagnosis / label please reply . How do you feel ? How do you cope . What is life like for you ?.

    Im not sure I can go on .

    • tinkarai1991
      tinkarai1991 Guest

      Posted

      I have recently been given this lable. it made me feel like crap recieving this lable of having borderline personality disorder or emotionally unstable personality disorder. Within two weeks of being given this lable i was discharged from the service and havent recieved any help or support since.  Im currently living with my mum and 2 younger siblings. Im currently not coping at all right now if im honest. No one sees my pain because i hide it untill im on my own but im so angry and so fustrated, all i want is my head to be clear and for me to not feel alone in a house full of people. 
  • jacqueline51070
    jacqueline51070

    Posted

    Justme, l too suffer from depression. I'm shocked at your story but l do believe you.

    I know its difficult, l dont know what to do with myself either, but l take it each minute, hour, day at a time.

    You can get throught this.... and you will.

  • perry9759
    perry9759

    Posted

    good luck pal im on my way out hopefully very soon smile
  • deee
    deee

    Posted

    Good for you. Step 1...
  • staffiegirl
    staffiegirl

    Posted

    I too have been diagnosed with BDP and am 54 today. I am afraid BPD and all its complexities is a very difficult state of being and have no magic answers. The biggest thing that has helped me is come to terms with my diagnosis has been three years of group therapy tailor made for BPD (unfortunately no longer available on the NHS where I live) and gaining terrific insight into myself which has been very difficult as there are elements I really do not like but thank god I now know about them. One of them is a tendancy to blame others for my anger/sadness etc when my unhappiness is coming from my 'inner child that was hurt long ago' and taking actions/words of others as negative and attacking when they are not and so seriously hurting these relationships.

    You state all that you are not getting from the mental health services but some of these things can make your BDP worse, also what are you being offered?

    Have you read any books on BPD, there are quite are few now just have a look on Amazon.

    Life is difficult with BPD no two ways about it but I have learnt to appreciate the small things in life and write a gratitude journal everyday, I also try to eat healthly and excercise most days which helps my mood. Also just being still and quiet for a while each day, letting your brain rest from all those whizzing thoughts and feelings.

    I wish you peacexx

  • deee
    deee

    Posted

    Stafflegirl (is that right?) - You are a beacon in the bleak world of these discussions. I keep hearing so many stories that are about this drug and that drug, looking for magic when there is none. I am so sorry that the little girl you were was so hurt. Your courage is humbling. I am very angry with the psychiatrists, and others, their insensitivity is actionable. As an ex-psych nurse, (long ago), I so often heard staff putting down people with BPD as `attention-seekers", until one day I said, in a "poncy" meeting, that if someone needs attention enough that she has to cut her wrists to get it, then perhaps we should give her some. I wasn't always popular. I feel for you so much, for the damaged little girl you were, and have the greatest respect for the compassionate adult you clearly are today. All of these youngsters should take note of the things you are using to make your life the best you can. I wish you peace xxx
  • Guest
    Guest

    Posted

    Hi staffiegirl !

    Thanks so much for your reply - its so good to hear from someone in my situation. I have been having psychotherapy fortnightly for the past 6 months but my last session is next week and I don't know where I go from there as it is the only help I have . Yes I am still under the community mental health team and have a CPN who I see every 2-3 weeks but our appointments seem useless . Basically each appointment I go to all Im told is to use coping mechanisms so really I don't feel Im getting anywhere with him . I know what my coping mechanisms are and my life consists of getting up each day and just trying to use these mechanisms to struggle through the day . Im so tired of living like this . Im exhausted of this constant battle . I see no hope of anything getting better .

    Through psychotherapy I have come to identify some of the things you talk about too . I know my battle is against myself , against who I am , who I have developed into due to my childhood life experiences . I now know who I am and I cant change that . I feel defeated and know Im fighting a losing battle .

    I identify what you say about a mind that cannot rest . Theres a never ending dialogue going on in there - judging myself , criticizing myself , challenging every thought , every choice I make , every decision I make , constantly putting myself down . It analyses everything all the time . I cant watch a simple TV programme or read a book or magazine for more than a few minutes before it hooks onto something and races off on a tangent , quickly jumping from one thought and linking it to another , bringing back memories or recent events which then have to be analysed over and over again . Its always there and I now realize its always been there - I didn't recognize it until now .

    Knowing that it will never give me any peace and knowing that my BPD is never going to go away has left me so very , very depressed .

    I too try to exercise as it calms the voice down ring this time but I know that as soon as I get into the changing room it will be back in full force . I just want to run away from it - from myself . My eating is totally out of control as I also suffer from an eating disorder which has been a part of my life since I was a child . It never goes away - even when you look well on the outside its always present in your mind and adds to the challenging thoughts in my mind .

    I know the only time I have ever had a moments peace was in the short time in between taking a massive overdose and passing out - just knowing the battle was finally over . Waking up was devastating - having to face life again . To me it seems like a living hell .

    I feel hopeless and long to be free and I know theres only one way that this will happen Its what I want with all my heart . Yet Ive asked for help from my CPN - not because I want to live but for because I know its my duty to be here for the sake of my children . I was dismissed with another appointment in 3 weeks !

    As I say my last psychotherapy appointment is next week but Ive only had 6 months and the literature states that psychotherapy for BPD should not be for a much longer period than this and that in fact short term psychotherapy can make things worse . I note you had 3 years of therapy . I feel therapy has helped me finally see who I am but with no clue how to deal with life as I am - of course unless the only way to live is by coping mechanisms . Is this what the future holds ?

  • Guest
    Guest

    Posted

    Correction for the last paragraph - psychotherapy should be for a longer period according to the literature
  • staffiegirl
    staffiegirl

    Posted

    Oh gosh yes, I have had horrible experiences in hospital due to the attitude of the mental health nurses. Initially they would be supportive until they found out my diagnosis then they did the 'ignore therapy thing' and it didnt matter what I said it was all put down to my diagnosis and not taken seriously. It is ten years since I was in last so I hope things have changed, if not then hospital is not a good and safe place to be with a diagnosis of BPD.
  • staffiegirl
    staffiegirl

    Posted

    Oh Justme64 my heart goes out to you, I relate to every single word you say in your last mail. It is difficult to know what to say as, I have found that I have to lead a 'quiet' life to stop the chaos that I attract into my life but it is not a life everybody would be able to lead as it is quite lonely. My life saver is my sweet dog, without her I am not sure I would be here now, I have to keep going for her, My second life saver are my books, ever since a small child I have had my nose in a book, it help me to ignore what is going on around me and my situation, my third is my ex husband who is now my best friend. I have had to lower my expections quite considerably, I used to 'need' excitement and to keep achieving now I have taught myself to appreciate the small things especially the couuntryside, to keep my life 'quiet'.

    In my dark times I think 'life is not worth living' but I turn to Coco my staffie and know that it is, as long as there is something that needs my love....although this is not the life I had hoped for, nowhere near.

  • deee
    deee

    Posted

    Yes, yes, yes! Animals, particularly dogs love us for who we are. They don't judge, you both have had more than enough of that. They seem to be sensitive to our feelings, how else do they know which is the exact moment to rest their heads on our laps? I remember so well my lovely Artemis, (a dalmatian, but a lap dog just the same), who smiled, exposing ALL her teeth, at me as she washed my face, and made me laugh. I was an in-patient one time, and the TV room was full of people who sat staring at the screen, when someone started talking about her dog. Within minutes people sat up straighter, started to smile as they all talked about animals & birds they'd known and LOVED, (there were a couple who'd had cockatoos), the conversation was animated, (sorry), happy even. At least for a little while. It's things like that that make me believe we can get our lives back, but we need to be cared for and about, and we need love. I wish you both well, and am ashamed of my ex-colleagues who seem to believe that they are above contempt. Not by me. Not by me. xx
    • luastone
      luastone deee

      Posted

      Hi. I have been diagnosed with BPD. I have read that people w/ this will never carry on a healthy relationship. The past couple days and specially today i have been in despair. Hopeless and meaningless feelings. Groundless. Empty. Painful. Today it has been very hard. I am 34 years old. I’m married and my marriage started all messy already. Things has been difficult and I’m difficult.  We are both from Brasil. I have been here since 2006. He just got here and finding a job and the language barrier (although he speaks ok English but needs to improve) have been difficult on us. He leaves to Brasil on Tuesday due to some work issues and I don’t know when he will be back. It all depends on what happens there. Before that we haven’t been together that long, he has classes in a city 1 hour away n stays there and have been in Brasil before for a month. The situation was bad and then I decided to give it a try to really do it. And here i am in love w him again. All becomes crazy to me. I don’t know if he really loves me. He doesn’t love me like he did. And he said that. He says we are ok but I don’t know. I have this horrible fear of losing him. Not to say that where I live is small place w not much to do and no friends. He’s my only companion and friend even though he’s away a lot and we fight a lot. I feel so alone. I look at my place and I see him, what we did what he helped me with and I just wanna sleep and never wake up. It has been so painful. I’m out of control. I am in despair. It hurts too much I don’t want to feel this anymore. I know it’s going to disturb my job which I’m having issues w/ a woman i work w/. It's only me. I have to keep on going but where and for what? I used to cut myself when i was younger and i have done it in the past months. Nothing big (which i hate) it’s not for the pain. I don’t like that or can’t handle the pain. I don’t really understand why.

      How does one love itself??? I don’t think I love myself. It is so sad. But it is like that. I am so very sad to the point that hurts. I’m in desperation.

      I’m crying a lot. I see no point in this "life". I’m going to go crazy without him. I know I have a lot of the symptoms for BPD and I don’t know what to do especially when you read things that take you hope away. I don’t know how to deal w this. And where I live i don’t know if there is professional good on that. And it is so expensive. I don’t know if there is help. If anybody can help. How do i get help? Will i ever be ok? Will i ever be ok on my own? Will i ever be able to have a good relationship w/ a partner?  I think I ruined my marriage and I hate myself for this. I can’t see life without him. The pain of not having him around or his love is unbearable.

      He probably thinks (knows?) I’m crazy by now. I have been crying a lot. Acting desperate. It’s awful. It’s painful.

      I would like to kindly ask you for an advice, an “exercise”, something, anything that may help me.

      Thank you for your time

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