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I hate this label but it seems to be the most popular diagnosis around at the moment with psychiatrists . I am judged as attention seeking and emotionally unstable . I am told that I am unable to sustain healthy relationships as I always destroy them . I have been made to feel so inferior and been told I am a " bad coper " . I am branded as becoming too dependant on services . When I feel genuinely suicidal I am taken no notice of and not believed . I am told Im not depressed and shouldn't be taking any form of antidepressants .Because of my label the standard of care I receive for any medical issue is affected . As soon as anyone is told of my diagnosis nothing I say is believed . I am made to feel a burden on the system .
Whenever I interact with the community health team it seems everything I say or think or do is interpreted in terms of my label - it all has to fit neatly into the appropriate little box . I am treated as a label and not as an individual .
My care plan lists all the services and support systems I am to be denied . It dictates - in capital letters - that under no circumstances am I to be admitted to hospital for mental health reasons - not that I would like to be don't get me wrong but it is assumed that I constantly try to get admitted by the way I behave . I am also to be denied short term crisis beds at a local respite centre - something I actually found very helpful after a major crisis last year though I was told it wasn't helpful . My opinions don't seem to be taken into account . I am denied home based treatment by the crisis team - in fact the only crisis team intervention I am allowed no matter how bad my situation is a single telephone call . I am told I should not access support groups or interact with my friends who also have mental health issues .
Last year I made a serious suicide attempt . I felt so totally desperate and hopeless and tired I simply could not go on . I had asked for help in the weeks leading up to my attempt. I had clearly stated that all I wanted in life - in fact what I wanted more than anything else was to be at peace and die . I told my worker I had made plans .
Ironically when you are suicidal everyone tells you to ask for help yet because I had been honest and made a difficult decision to ask for help I was told I didn't mean it . A few weeks later I was on a ventilator in intensive care and friends and family were told by staff to prepare for the worst as I was unlikely to make it through the night .
What is life like now ? Every day I wake up and want to die . I don't live I exist . I merely use " coping " strategies to get by . The pain within is unbearable . I feel so totally isolated and alone . The future looks hopeless and I don't know where to turn for help.
I have had short term psychotherapy which helped a little but that is about to end and I feel what now ?I see a CPN once every 3 weeks or so for what is essentially a pointless appointment . It doesn't seem to matter how difficult I am finding things it produces no response whatsoever . They don't listen and quite frankly I feel they don't seem to care .
Im so tired of the daily battle . I cant sleep and I cant eat . I have no motivation to do anything and nothing gives me any pleasure . I am 50 this year . My life has been pointless . I see no purpose to it . Is there anyone out there who can help ?
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