Borderline Personality Disorder - Please help I cant go on !

Staffiegirl thank you so much . Just to have someone who understands what this feels like , when everyone else dismisses and judges you means so much , and Dee thank you so much too for caring .

Just yesterday I had a so called friend tell me she didn't want to be " hassled " by me because she has " real " problems . Another told me this week she was too busy with church activities when I asked for a little support , and another who put her coat on and made an excuse to leave as soon as I mentioned my feelings . My dearly loved children have also made it clear that I have made their lives very difficult . I feel worthless .

Life is very lonely .

Thank you for your support xx

Hi

I feel lonely too despite having a wonderful husband, and some brilliant on line friends. I have a BPD dx but am also diagnosed with Bi-polar type 2.

Luckily maybe, I am waiting to start a 'complex needs' programme which apparently lasts up to 2 yrs. I am also due to start having long term psychotherapy. As for meds, I am taking max dose venlafaxine, there'll, and curtailing.

I have to say that if the psychs treated me in the way you are being treated I could not cope. I have tried to manage without help for decades. I am entitled to be treated with respect, just as the medics are entitled to me treating them with respect. If that went there really would be no way forward.

You are entitled to more than you are receiving.

If you want to talk to others who will understand, you might want to have a look at some of the support forums like rethink. Just knowing you are not alone makes a difference!

Big hugs xxx

I don't know what I would do without everyone on here who is supporting me . I had a major crisis last weekend . I had seen it coming and begged for help weeks ago but was ignored . This is destroying me and is destroying my family . I ended up in A&E and was told by the crisis team to go home and take responsibility myself . I was told to look at the damage I was causing my children and actually accused of scarring them for life . They even tried to persuade my daughter to leave home .

To cut a long story short the advice I have been given is to accept that this is how things are and always will be and to pretend Im ok .

I think the mental health professionals see my personality disorder in terms of what they regard as disordered behaviour . I feel treated like a naughty child . The textbooks say people with borderline personality disorder are attention seeking - in fact I was simply seeking help in a very responsible way .

They talk about recovery in terms of accepting who you are but there has to be more to life than this . They normalise all my struggles and tell me everyone feels like I do . They tell me Im recovering because Im not requiring their support so often - when in fact their support has been withdrawn .

Nobody seems to see the pain inside or the constant battles day in and day out .

To them recovery seems to mean no longer being a burden on the system and to learn to live with my pain . So they do nothing .

Recovery surely is about healing the pain and being able to live a normal life .

Hi. I have been diagnosed with BPD. I have read that people w/ this will never carry on a healthy relationship. The past couple days and specially today i have been in despair. Hopeless and meaningless feelings. Groundless. Empty. Painful. Today it has been very hard. I am 34 years old. I’m married and my marriage started all messy already. Things has been difficult and I’m difficult.  We are both from Brasil. I have been here since 2006. He just got here and finding a job and the language barrier (although he speaks ok English but needs to improve) have been difficult on us. He leaves to Brasil on Tuesday due to some work issues and I don’t know when he will be back. It all depends on what happens there. Before that we haven’t been together that long, he has classes in a city 1 hour away n stays there and have been in Brasil before for a month. The situation was bad and then I decided to give it a try to really do it. And here i am in love w him again. All becomes crazy to me. I don’t know if he really loves me. He doesn’t love me like he did. And he said that. He says we are ok but I don’t know. I have this horrible fear of losing him. Not to say that where I live is small place w not much to do and no friends. He’s my only companion and friend even though he’s away a lot and we fight a lot. I feel so alone. I look at my place and I see him, what we did what he helped me with and I just wanna sleep and never wake up. It has been so painful. I’m out of control. I am in despair. It hurts too much I don’t want to feel this anymore. I know it’s going to disturb my job which I’m having issues w/ a woman i work w/. It's only me. I have to keep on going but where and for what? I used to cut myself when i was younger and i have done it in the past months. Nothing big (which i hate) it’s not for the pain. I don’t like that or can’t handle the pain. I don’t really understand why.

How does one love itself??? I don’t think I love myself. It is so sad. But it is like that. I am so very sad to the point that hurts. I’m in desperation.

I’m crying a lot. I see no point in this "life". I’m going to go crazy without him. I know I have a lot of the symptoms for BPD and I don’t know what to do especially when you read things that take you hope away. I don’t know how to deal w this. And where I live i don’t know if there is professional good on that. And it is so expensive. I don’t know if there is help. If anybody can help. How do i get help? Will i ever be ok? Will i ever be ok on my own? Will i ever be able to have a good relationship w/ a partner?  I think I ruined my marriage and I hate myself for this. I can’t see life without him. The pain of not having him around or his love is unbearable.

He probably thinks (knows?) I’m crazy by now. I have been crying a lot. Acting desperate. It’s awful. It’s painful.

I would like to kindly ask you for an advice, an “exercise”, something, anything that may help me.

Thank you for your time

Hi justme, I do too. It feels BAD yes. I got better once but then fell again. I can not get medication now. Everytime I do, I get horrible headaches and those make it worse. I can only take clonazepam. Still, I can tell I need to get a treatment, but my body strongly disagrees and lets me know. I am so scared, I gradually became isolated to keep safe from situations provoked by my mood changes and strong reactions. I do not have many tricks to cope. I just hope it stops soon. I will keep going as far as i can. I don't think it is much in my hands anymore. I hope you can find some light, a bit at least of peace and guidance in your path. 

Maybe because I'm under the clonazepam now, but I recall this: I got to points where a bit good has came of it, when I couldn't hide the pain anymore, i had to let go the embarrasment and carry on with the shame i felt and at moments it was liberating. I will look for other ways as long as I can. If I get to know of anything. I will post it here. Peace to all.

I am so sick of the mental health teams in this country,  I have been fighting for 6 years to get help and now i'm still fighting for a diagnosis for BPD which i have obviously had for years.  I have been given 16 weeks of therapy and then told today that no help is available once this therapy has finished and no help BPD even though I am really struggling, The mental health clinic have told me that they are not able to diagnose me and that it is the job of the doctors, yet the doctors referred me to the mental health clinic to get a diagnosis.  I do understand how you feel justme64,  I get talked down to all the time and talked to like i'm a child and everything they don't like me saying is treated like its my mental health thats the problem.  They have only just told me I may have BPD yet are not helping me to come to terms with any of it, I have an outreach worker but all she does is talk about her grandkids and how wonderful her life is and is not prepared to listen to me at all so i don't know what she is supposed to be helping me with, when I talk about something she talks to me like I am a child and I hate it.  I am sick of going around the system over and over again, and having to fight to get any help.  Do these professionals not understand how tough it is to fight for help when all you really want to do is die.  Im so tired of fighting and no one listening or giving me a diagnosis and then telling me there is no help.  I told the mental health person who rang me today that I need help to come to terms with the BDP and was told of I just have to learn to live with it and get on with it and except thats how life is going to be.  but they can help me with doing voluntary work which is bizzar as I can't even go out of the house on my own.  I have n care plan or anything and to be honest Im sick of all of this. 

Hi. I am a professional and at times in the past have been a patient and  can see both sides of the coin. Your blog and style of writng indicates to me that I agree with the view of the professionals though i can understand how it seems a bit harsh to you.

Hi, I'm 18 and like you have been diagnosed with BPD. It really is the crap heap of all mental disorders. I've found that no matter what I say no one takes you seriously. In fact I disagreed with my diagnosis and the judgment so much I asked my CPN (Who is useless) to arrange a second opinion and specifically asked very clearly for a different doctor who was working under a different consultant. I watched her write it down and then a few weeks later with an appointment to see the EXACT same trainee doctor and consultant who had ripped me to shreds and not taken me seriously a few months before. They've stopped my meds, I'd written suicide notes, had a written plan and all my affairs in order. I've had numerous suicide attempts and was admitted to a psych ward three times before my BPD diagnosis for serious SH and suicidal behaviour/attempts. It's really true no matter what you say or do they don't care. They'll only realise you were serious when you're dead (Not in any way saying you should) and then we just become another statistic and they cover for each other and nothing changes...

I can really empathise with all you say .I recently made the decision to discharge myself from the mental health team . i realised that I was simply wasting my time and energy trying to get any help or appropriate support from them . Their view was so negative and I knew I needed a more positive approach and hope for the future .

It was a very scary thing to do and by no means an impulsive decision - Id taken my time reviewing all the pros and cons but I reasoned that staying under the cmht was making me worse .The issues I really needed help with werent addressed at all , but I was literally brainwashed into believing I had problematic personality traits and behaviours which on hindsight  I am now convinced wasnt the case at all . Im not denying the fact that I have serious mental health problems- quite the opposite - my true difficulties simply werent recognised or treated . Having spent 14 years under the cmht with no improvement it was time to " stop flogging a dead horse " in my case . Im not neccessarily suggesting that this is the right course of action for everyone but what I am suggesting is that only you know what works and what doesnt . Ditch the stuff that doesnt and accept that you may need to look elsewhere for help and support for what you need as an individual to live the kind of life you want to live . True you may have some limitations but Im finding that it actually gives me a sense of control discovering ways of outwitting my triggers !

Ive joined a MIND recovery group for people with any form of mental health problem . Its really positive and no one mentions labels at all !!!! Everyone is treated with respect and its a very caring environment . Ive already benefitted so much and feel like Im on a journey of recovery .

Ive also joined a couple of other support groups aimed specifically at my individual difficulties and again the positivity is overwhelming and has made a massive difference to my life .

I tried out all sorts of other avenues of help available in the local community until I found what was best for me . You certainly cant do this on your own and its not easy , but dont give up , get out there , and good luck x

I was given a diagnosis of BPD three years ago.. This is the first time I have read somebody else's story. Sadly your history matches myself intimately.. I have two children, boys, twelve and seventeen, my eldest has a disability and I am divorced. I wake up each day to a adrenaline rush of fear. I hate myself and feel my life is a lie because I am not allowed to not be here for them. I resent this situation with the same amount of passion I feel for my children. It's very confusing. I love them deeply but I am not sure what real love is...  I know that's odd and disconnected. I completely understand your story.. Honesty is my enemy as it could result in my boys being removed from my care. So what do I do? Do you have children?