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Borderline Personality Disorder - Please help I cant go on !

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I hate this label but it seems to be the most popular diagnosis around at the moment with psychiatrists . I am judged as attention seeking and emotionally unstable . I am told that I am unable to sustain healthy relationships as I always destroy them . I have been made to feel so inferior and been told I am a " bad coper " . I am branded as becoming too dependant on services . When I feel genuinely suicidal I am taken no notice of and not believed . I am told Im not depressed and shouldn't be taking any form of antidepressants .Because of my label the standard of care I receive for any medical issue is affected . As soon as anyone is told of my diagnosis nothing I say is believed . I am made to feel a burden on the system .

Whenever I interact with the community health team it seems everything I say or think or do is interpreted in terms of my label - it all has to fit neatly into the appropriate little box . I am treated as a label and not as an individual .

My care plan lists all the services and support systems I am to be denied . It dictates - in capital letters - that under no circumstances am I to be admitted to hospital for mental health reasons - not that I would like to be don't get me wrong but it is assumed that I constantly try to get admitted by the way I behave . I am also to be denied short term crisis beds at a local respite centre - something I actually found very helpful after a major crisis last year though I was told it wasn't helpful . My opinions don't seem to be taken into account . I am denied home based treatment by the crisis team - in fact the only crisis team intervention I am allowed no matter how bad my situation is a single telephone call . I am told I should not access support groups or interact with my friends who also have mental health issues .

Last year I made a serious suicide attempt . I felt so totally desperate and hopeless and tired I simply could not go on . I had asked for help in the weeks leading up to my attempt. I had clearly stated that all I wanted in life - in fact what I wanted more than anything else was to be at peace and die . I told my worker I had made plans .

Ironically when you are suicidal everyone tells you to ask for help yet because I had been honest and made a difficult decision to ask for help I was told I didn't mean it . A few weeks later I was on a ventilator in intensive care and friends and family were told by staff to prepare for the worst as I was unlikely to make it through the night .

What is life like now ? Every day I wake up and want to die . I don't live I exist . I merely use " coping " strategies to get by . The pain within is unbearable . I feel so totally isolated and alone . The future looks hopeless and I don't know where to turn for help.

I have had short term psychotherapy which helped a little but that is about to end and I feel what now ?I see a CPN once every 3 weeks or so for what is essentially a pointless appointment . It doesn't seem to matter how difficult I am finding things it produces no response whatsoever . They don't listen and quite frankly I feel they don't seem to care .

Im so tired of the daily battle . I cant sleep and I cant eat . I have no motivation to do anything and nothing gives me any pleasure . I am 50 this year . My life has been pointless . I see no purpose to it . Is there anyone out there who can help ?

3 likes, 34 replies

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  • michelle07439
    michelle07439 Guest

    Posted

    you gotta keep your head up - a good way to relax and get your mind right is to meditate and or work out etc. It's the more natural way to keep you moving because a lot of depression is caused by chemical imbalance. That's what a lot of medications are supposed to help with. But with my own personal experience with medications I advise not to take antidepressants. They don't work. Meditate, work out, anything that will get you going. 
  • Yvonne1962
    Yvonne1962 Guest

    Posted

    I too have been diagnosed with BPD, I will be seeking a second opinion as the information used to state I was aggressive, have anger issues & unstable moods & relationships was so wrong. 

    I also have been discharged from community services... But as it stood they were not helping or understanding me or the kind of support I needed.

    Instead hey wanted me to use distraction methods to lessen self harm & suicidal thoughts. Things I taught myself as a teenager. To me sitting with a can learning to clap your hands is absolutely insulting but they count it as a diversion.

    I was offered DBT but as I couldn't commit because of family crisises ... My son paralysed in RTA & the death of my twin sister...left me a shell.

    I needed someone to talk to & just to listen , not a lot to ask.

    I would ask for a 2nd opinion which you are entitled to.

    Sending you big hugs & letting you know you are not alone xx

  • jo00nothing
    jo00nothing Guest

    Posted

    Hi, im in that position of not being believed but i do see how its my own fault, but when i assume things it is me who is wrong and when cpn does, like is now

    its how it is y'know. I tried to call her 3 times today and they must have a switch to ring out number for people the same as me. i know its intentional. i am scared that i will kill myself, i used to be more scared of dying than i am now, i am still scared, fearful is more how. im sad about the world around me, im sad

    and i see i am hurting those and exposing them like my sisters kids have me as auntie i already see i am bad for them and i confuse them.

    sorry

    ihave hija

    cked this, just 64 our stories are similar though i do find it or did find it helpful . i feel very very alone and it is unbearable, i have not been like this in a long long, long time.

    how are you now? is there anuone else that feels this?

    • Guest
      Guest jo00nothing

      Posted

      Hi Jo !

      ?I do feel for you so much !

      ?Ive read around about my symptoms a lot and discovered that the way I feel fits with a disorder called complex PTSD and not BPD and this has been really helpful . Now I really relate to others online and in support groups . I'm no longer under the cmht as I chose to be discharged as I didn't find their input at all helpful but I did revisit the psychiatrist recently to get his opinion on complex PTSD and he agreed with me  . Life is still a struggle don't get me wrong but I'm now clear about what I'm struggling with . Many of the symptoms of both conditions overlap but I seem to be treated in a far less judgmental way now both by others and I'm also learning to be less judgmental of myself .

      I've found that building up a relationship with my GP has been very helpful as he's so much more symptom oriented than diagnosis oriented . He sees and treats me as a whole person . Just talking to him every now and again but knowing as he's said that his door is always open is so reassuring .

      I attend various support groups as and when and try to follow the rule to " take what works and leave the rest "

      ?I'm still on meds and I make no excuse for that - they don't take the pain away but they do ease it  and to me if something helps don't knock it . Other things that can help me are doing creative things like crafts or even just going to craft shops and reading craft magazines as I often lack confidence to start my own projects . I also love housey/interior design programmes and magazines and am constantly rearranging the furniture at home . And lists .....I'll make lists of everything and crazy though that seems it really helps too . Maybe it's about having some sort of order in this washing machine mind of mine !! Journaling is something I enjoy doing - I can sit in a coffee shop and drink endless cups of tea as I write my journal or read a book .  I enjoy books on psychology and self help

      - again with the outlook of "taking what works and leaving the rest" . I enjoy inspirational and uplifting books . 

      I know that exercise is so good for me but have to admit my intentions are always good but I'm

      no gym bunny . I do try and get out of the house and walk somewhere every day - usually ending up in a tearoom - err no always ending up in a tea room lol ! . 

      At the end of the day I've found it important and empowering to find what works for me -some or  none of this may work  for you - just keep trying out all sorts of things until you find what helps .

      Keep hold of hope - even if its only the size of a tiny grain of sand - that's enough for now - and if that becomes too much then ask someone to lend you some of theirs until you can find your own .

      ?I'm still looking for that certain something inside that gives my life meaning and purpose . I'm searching and holding on to hope that someday I'll find it and I hope you will too  

      Take care x

       

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