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Boyfriend wants to take a break, severely depressed

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Silence80
Silence80

I met my boyfriend five months ago.  He’s a wonderful person.  He suffers from depression.  Early on in our relationship he was laid off from his job which caused him to “spin out”.  He told me he felt pressure from all angles of his life and felt we should slow down.  I continued to support him as someone in my family also suffers from depression and sever bipolar disorder.  I’ve been exposed to this my entire life.  He worked through it and our relationship flourished.  

Last Wednesday, he got news that his son had gotten into some legal trouble.  It had been about a year and a half since he heard from his ex-wife.  His son is in his late teens so he communicates with son directly however, he needed to communicate with her.  He was very open about their communication but he became extremely distant as the week went on.  By Friday he was barely speaking to me.  On Saturday he told me he was spinning out of control.  He said he felt when one thing went wrong he would just sink into a depression.  Fast forward to this week, on the 30th I finally asked him if everything was okay with us.  We are in daily contact and it didn’t feel right.  He’s extremely warm and affectionate but he has been cold and distant.  He told me that he felt pressured, depressed, spun out and that he needed space.  A break from our relationship.  Then he asked me if I would check in and I wanted to scream NO!!!! But I realize this isn’t someone who is doing this to be a jerk.  He has a serious issue.  He also has an eating disorder.  We are both middle aged. We have spent a great deal of time together and in the 5 months I have only gone one full day without talking to him.  Yesterday was the 2nd day.  Right now, I feel giving him the space to figure things out is the right thing to do but he said some disturbing things in his texts such as I don’t know if I want a serious relationship or if I’m ready for this.  He said these things the last time he wanted to push me away then apologized when he came out of his depression.  I witnessed this behavior as a child too with my parents.  The mentally ill parent would push the other away during an episode.  I truly think he’s a remarkable person.  I don’t want to lose him.  I realize it’s been a short period of time but I’m older and I’ve dated a lot of men, I can spot a good one.  Any advice? I have not contacted him since he asked for space. It’s been almost 48 hours with no contact. 

2 likes, 18 replies

18 Replies

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  • zugumugu
    zugumugu Silence80

    Posted

    Hi, I just read this and I'm in shock at how similar our situations are. You commented on my post and I really wanted to give you the advice I could. Everything he's been doing is strikingly similar to what my ex has been doing, and for us it's been about 2 weeks since he told me he's depressed and I can honestly say that sticking by him has helped. It hasn't made him love me again, and it didn't stop him from taking a break from our relationship, but it did make him realize that I'm the one person in this world who will be there for him through thick and thin. The best advice I can give you is communication. I know he wants space, but me and my ex talk about our relationship daily (what's left of it) and it's really helpful to understand exactly how he's feeling. For example, I asked him if things will be fine with us when he moves back to California and isn't depressed anymore, and he said 100%. I say when you feel you've given him enough space, you should contact him and talk about these things. Ask him if he sees a future with you someday and if he thinks once he's out of the depression he'll love you the way he used to. I'm only 17 so I'm giving you advice based on the one relationship I've had, but I just really wanted to say something because your advice really helped me. I hope you get through this, and I think you'll really enjoy a book called the Breakup Bible by Melissa Kantor. It really took my mind off my ex for a few days. It might seem a little too high school for you, but it is a great story and worth the read. I'm reading 100 Days of Solitude now, (not 100 Years of Solitude-totally different book), and that's also a great distraction. 

    • Silence80
      Silence80 zugumugu

      Posted

      Thank you so much for your reply.  I’m going to look for 100 Days of Soltitude.  I sent you a PM yesterday.  I hope you are feeling so much better now!
  • Silence80
    Silence80

    Posted

    I felt I should write an update for everyone who was so kind to reply to my post.  I haven’t heard from my ex since he decided he needed space / break from me.  It’s been 9 full days today with absolutely no contact.  The only contact we had was what I posted.  It will be 2 weeks since our break on Tuesday.  It breaks my heart because I have no idea if I have even crossed his mind.  He told me he needed a break and I have respected that but my mind has raced out of control at times.  I continue to take my medication each day but there are times when I wonder if it’s even working.   I’ve seen him spiral into depression before but he’s never cut me out of his life.  Did he go back to his ex?  Did he decide to move on with someone else immediately after? Is this even about someone else?  I’m bipolar so as much as I hate to say this, I hate the depressive side of myself but I wish a manic episode would burn it all clean.  I long for the numbness and the absolute excitement that comes along with not caring at all.  I don’t let people get close to me for this exact reason.  I have gone silent on him to respect his wishes.  There’s been some peace in the silence but I would have hoped after so much time he would have thought about me or missed me.   We shared so much and he was my best friend.  However, this person is not someone I ever knew.  
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