Boyfriend with depression, what should I do?

I can only say that if you really love him, why not try and live together and perhaps compete for happiness instead.  Loneliness and isolation isn't helpful for people that are depressed.

It is so easy for a caring person like you to think living together will be the tonic he needs, and wouldn't you love to be his saviour, to be the one who made him whole? But, please be realistic, and consider. You have no reason to believe you can be this to him. Your experience to date shows him to be utterly demanding and detrimental to your own well-being. Wiser, and kinder, would be to protect yourself by keeping a safe distance and to encourage him in taking more responsibility for himself. Until he does this he will be a danger to any partner.

Yes, Marie, love can so so often be difficult and hurtful.  Easy love is probably not the real thing.  But agape [a Greek word] love is not a feeling, it is the love that does the right thing without looking for a return, the feelings come with what happens, happiness or pain.  I think you should be cautious.  Is his love for you agape love, or is he looking to you for the return you will give him?   He says he just needs you, you say.  Giving in is not love.  Sometimes we need to be cruel to be kind, by being honest perhaps, and challenging him to respond to you.  Oh, that's hard, it is hard, but can work wonders.

Hi Marie - wow. First, it's along distance relationship. There are so many dynamics that are missing when we are not face to face. Second, the script for your life together has already been written - fighting, blaming, ultra-sensitivity, failure to acknowledge, easily frustrated, escalating arguments...How much of a red flag do you need?

Next, he refuses "all kinds of therapies or activities, saying they are not for him." How's that working out? Then the race to see who feels worse. You, having to put your unacknowledged sadness aside to serve his. Everything is a negative. "He is annoyed with everyone and everything." That includes you.

Then, the punchline: "I do not know if the depression will go away once we move in together." What? No. It won't "go away." He refuses to get treatment. The last thing you do is uproot your life and live with someone who refuses to get better, and whose attitude to you has "got worse." He has to want treatment, and he has to get it himself. But he would rather abuse you and whine about how sad he is. The best thing you can do is cut him loose. Don't bury yourself deeper in his hell. 

Marie, I do understand.  You write 'It feels like he would become nothing without me. At first it was such a good flattering feeling, I must admit. Who wouldn’t want someone who loves them from head to toes like that?'  But don't you see your own vulnerability? Then 'But now, it has become a… burden and my constant worries that he would commit a suicide if we parted our way.'  Do you see his power to manipulate you?  Do you see how easy it is for him to play on your heart strings?  You must test out your defensive mechanism before allowing him to come any closer, and test out his integrity as a man, by setting him a challenge, by telling him a home truth he will find difficult, and see if he is prepared to consider your position and respect your opinions. 

Hi my advice is do not move in with him until he accepts he has a problem and gets some help.  Nothing will change otherwise and it would be a disaster for you.  You cannot help him until he helps himself but maybe you can convince him to see his doctor?  Think very carefully about it all.  x

I stopped reading this after a couple of paragraphs.  I think you're using the wrong word here to diagnose his problem.  Instead of depression, lets try narcissist.  Nothing good ever comes from hanging on to a narcissist.  They will continue to blame everything that goes wrong on you even when you had no hand in it.  You virtually become their whipping doll.  He could be bipolar which is a form of depression but from what I was reading, his narcissism is prominent here.  Narcissists are great at trying to shield themselves from responsibility with illness or a mental disorder.  If he is depressed and does not seek out help it's because he doesn't want any or he isn't depressed.  He wants your sympathy and he wants to mentally be able to brow beat you and hold his illness up to keep you at bay.  My advice to you is plain and simple...get out now or you'll be sorry.

Thank you, guys for the advice. I do see all the red flags but it doesn’t seem to be that easy to just drop it and leave. He is such a sweetheart when we are together. He is lovely to anyone from waitresses to beggars. But when we are not together, what I feel is only anger and annoyance, which he has blamed for the distance and that he misses me too much creates intense stress. So I have been understanding and forgiving. But when it got to be too much bear, I did try to walk away once because I didn’t see any improvements and happy future at all. At that time, he had a severe breakdown and expressed that he didn’t want to live anymore and promised to change his behaviors in order to make it work between us. However, he still could not relax. He went to see the doctor last few weeks and came back, telling me that he was told he didn’t need any therapy. Instead, he blamed his depression on me and my problems. This is absolutely not the vibe I would like to go with. However, I feel a bit stuck here, being unable to help him, but cannot put an end to it.