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Boyfriend with depression, what should I do?

Posted , 11 users are following.

marie36573
marie36573

I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year and he has had PTSD, anxiety disorder, dreams disorder for 10 years now. I love him a lot and at the beginning of the relationship I actually neglected many things that he did/said that hurt me, thinking it is simply personality differences and things will be more settled once we get to know each other better. But recently things have got worse. And I feel like I can't take them much longer. We have had a lot of fights and he started to blame me for every thing that happened. He failed to acknowledge his wrong doing and could not take it if being criticized. He doesn't like to argue, but at the same time he gets frustrated very easily, which makes our arguments escalate.

I have never been with someone who has depression, and though I have tried to be supportive and I also read a lot of things about supporting a depressed partner, but still, I know sometimes I am not sensitive enough in handling his mood swinging and frustration.

He refused all kinds of therapies or activities, saying they are not for him and he doesn't believe in them. I have been through many hardships recently, but he gets more depressed than I am, and takes it personally.  It always seem to be a race, of who is feeling worse. Because if I tell about my negative feeling, he would tell me how much worse he is feeling. I have always had to put my sadness aside, to cheer him up. I suggested things for him to do. But nothing works. Everything is a no-no to him. He is annoyed with everything and every one. There seems to be nothing that he is happy about. And that has been dragging me down. I have become depressed and lost my patience, too.

I do not know if the depression will go away once we move in together. He says his condition will definitely get better because he will be happy with me. But I am not so sure, if that will ever be enough. And it does seem, with his unhappiness, both of us are not happy now.

Have you had a depressed partner? If so, could you please share your experiences?

2 likes, 22 replies

22 Replies

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  • brenda69464
    brenda69464 marie36573

    Posted

    Yikes !

    I am the depressive partner,dealing with the same issues as your bf.

    My advice.....DO NOT move in with him. It WILL NOT get better.

    He must get medical help in order to get to a healthier place.

    Simple, you do not have the proper skills to deal with his mental health problems (no offence intended). 

    This is as hard for me to put down as it is for you to read.

    This is just my opinion.I am not a Doctor or medical professional

    DO NOT move in with him until he gets professional help, you will be sucked into the vortex.

  • betty47942
    betty47942 marie36573

    Posted

    Maybe...or maybe not....he suffers from those things... For one thing, he is genuinely a narcissist!! It sounds to me like he has you emotionally manipulated... and you feel 'obligated' to him and are afraid if something goes 'real wrong' it will be your fault! Excuse me but baloney! You need to drop him... and think about your OWN welfare... Marie, if I were you, I would talk to a therapist to get out from under his emotional manipulation...please...please do this for yourself... I have been in a situation, years ago, that is/was very similar to yours... thus my very strong reaction... You sound like a very nice, caring person, and you DO deserve better. I hope HE is working with a therapist... but that is not YOUR job... please stop feeling obligated... WHY you do, I don't know, but this is what a therapist can help YOU with... Staying with him, to me, would be a total disaster... Best wishes to you, Marie.

  • chocolatenative
    chocolatenative marie36573

    Posted

    Love can heal. I say stay strong through this and take it one day at a time. Try to be more sensitive, but don’t allow him to blame his illness for treating you poorly. Don’t give up on him. I struggle with depression, and my boyfriend has made it bearable and has honestly lit me up. We’ve had bad spots, relatable to what you’re saying, but we communicated and figured out what we BOTH need to fix in order to keep our relationship and be happy together. It’s been wonderful ever since we worked hard to fix what we needed to. Try to sit down and communicate what needs fixing. If he gets angry, just tell him that it needs to be said if you’re going to make it work. Stay calm. Try to only focus on what you need to fix first, and then ask him what he thinks he needs to improve on. Then, if the conversation is going well, maybe you can ask each other, “what do you think I need to fix?” But don’t become blameful or criticizing.

    Hope this helps you all. 💞 

    • marie36573
      marie36573 chocolatenative

      Posted

      Thank you. I tried to sit down, but he could not face it. He could not face the responsibilities and challenges as a couple we have. He could not communicate with me. In the evening he would either too tired or drank too much to talk. In the morning, he would be too depressed to talk. And even now, we broke up, he still played this same game with me. "I miss you, i still love you... we need to talk tonight". But that time never comes.

  • marie36573
    marie36573

    Posted

    This is not anything new, it was foreseen. We broke up after he moved in with me for 3 weeks, making my life so miserable. I was ignored, made feel unattractive, unwanted. Our trust was broke after I found him on dating sites, he lied, yelled at me for invading his privacy, telling me it was none of my business and continuing chatting with other women, that he hid from me and was completely distant and blamed me for being too emotional. My feeling was always wrong. Anytime i tried to talk, he said he just tried to fight or argue. Even though I was very soft, he said i had an attitude.

    I gave him everything I could, took care of him the best I had ever done, apologized on multiple occasion, bending myself for him. And I finally had to let him go, because he made me feel so invisible and unappreciated.

    Now I am going through a process of grieving. I get angry with him everyday. I feel so hurtful everyday. My dreams were shattered. All my plans I built for us (because he was too depressed, tired or busy, he could never discuss with me the future plans) are now busted. I feel lost even though I know what I should do now to put my life together.

    I am writing, though I no longer need advice. I just feel so much pain inside me now, I have to write it down. I am sorry for such a sad story... I am just not sure how to cope with this.

  • graham28516
    graham28516 marie36573

    Posted

    Congratulations, Marie, both for ending this relationship and telling us about it. No, you don't need our advice.

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