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Can anxiety/depression stop feelings of love?

Posted , 143 users are following.

liz54943
liz54943

Hello

I have been happily married for a long time. We've had our ups and downs, like any normal marriage, but there's always been a lot of love.

We've just come through a horrifically stressful 18 months, mainly due to financial worries. I have felt permanently stressed, worried, very vulnerable and often humiliated (unable to pay for school trips, turning down social invitations etc). My self esteem has taken a battering and some days have been so hard. But, I've soldiered on, kept my chin up and still took a lot of comfort in the fact that, despite everything, we still had each other and we still had a lot of love.

But, these last 6 weeks something has changed. I'm experiencing feelings of anxiety and panic. I can only feel negative about life. All my optimism has gone, and I feel like I have nothing left to fight with anymore.

But, the very worst thing is that I feel like I don't have any love left for my husband anymore. It's all gone. When I look at him, I just feel tense and anxious. Just him being around makes me feel worse, and I have to force myself to be affectionate, and I have to pretend to be my normal myself. I genuinely feel that if I won the Lottery tomorrow I would walk away from him, and never look back. There's been a few rare flashes of the old loving feelings these last few weeks, but that's all.

I feel calmer, more centered when I'm alone, or with our children. The moment my husband walks in from work I tense up, I feel more anxious and I try to avoid him in the house. When only 2-3 months ago, cuddling up on the sofa with him was the best part of my day.

I don't understand what is happening to me? Have I stopped loving him, because I'm depressed/suffering with anxiety? Or, am I suffering with depression/anxiety because I have stopped loving him?

There's no denying that deep down I probably hold him responsibile for our current financial difficulties. He's a very clever man, but he's made a few reckless decisions, and he admits that often he doesn't 'work smart' but busies himself with stuff that interests him, rather than work that would be more financially productive. Added to this, he's admitted he feels very down and withdrawn, and certainly he's not the optimistic, dynamic man I knew and loved only a few months ago. But, he's still affectionate and caring towards me.

I would really appreciate it if anyone could respond and reassure me that something similar has happened to them, and that's it's down to anxiety/depression. Otherwise I can't believe that 20 years of marriage has come to an end.

Thank you.

13 likes, 200 replies

200 Replies

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  • designergirl12
    designergirl12

    Posted

    Your marriage is not over, you are more likely to be focussing on your husband as a tangible reason for all your problems. Men are not able to express their stresses like women and he hid behind all kinds of other interesting stuff. He probably feels that as the breadwinner , supposedly, he has let you and the family down.

    He is probably feeling the same as you. Spend some time togethEr , even if it is only minutes each day and increase the time,. Make a dinner together, make the bed together , little things that reinforce the fact that you are a team.

    Good luck, don't give up, you'll miss him like hell if you part...

    • mel88
      mel88 designergirl12

      Posted

      I agree please dont give up and you have been married for so long. I am in in a long distance relationship and feel so low without him here but i have to be patient and strong, its not easy trust me on that i get feelings of anxiety alot actually because i want everything to happen now and over night but its not going to happen that way we have to work at relationships and have faith which i know is harder doing than saying i plan on being with him in time but need to save up first im all the way in the uk and he is in usa hardest thing ive ever had to do theres sometimes i get negative thoughts thinking oh will it work out etc and i also have ocd which doesnt help but i try to fight it, i sometimes need to talk to someone, you know when you want something so much and youve been let down from your past relationships before i dont like being alone without him here i want something like this in my life and to work out but i get those really scared doubtful feelings too,We just spent christmas together and new years it was amazing. If anyone has any experience in LDR id love to talk with you too . I have to be strong
    • S11348
      S11348 mel88

      Posted

      Hey, I'm in a long distance relationship as well , I feel all over the place a lot of the time, one minute I feel so in love with him and get so upset because I miss him so much then the next I feel numb to everything and fear I'm falling out of love with him , I get really scared because this relationship is all I've ever wanted and get worked up in my fears and anxietys about the whole situation, he's in Iraq just now and isn't due back until the end of July , I just want to know if all of what I'm feeling is normal or if I should be worried ?

    • Teen37818
      Teen37818 S11348

      Posted

      Thank you for sharing- just this weekend I had this overwhelming feeling that the man I've been dating doesn't want to see me anymore. I have absolutely no indicators that this would be true. We have a non conventional casual relationship where we've been dating for a year but only have seen each other 6 times. We text several times weekly so ..... I get into fits of anxiety about something else and it turns into "oh no my relationship is over" how do I stop this feeling? I don't want to cause it to be over because of my anxiety and insecurities.

    • S11348
      S11348 Teen37818

      Posted

      Well I feel very similar to you , as my boyfriends in Iraq I feel as though we've split up , we've only seen each other for a months worth of our relationship , what I've come to realise is that if I didn't love him I wouldn't be stressing out over it all I wouldn't care, what I think you should do is stick it out , find someone professional to talk to that may be able to help and wait until next time you see him then talk to him about your feelings , will take a massive weight off your shoulders , it's tough but you can get through it as it's not worth letting go of the person you want because of your own head , don't let your anxiety get the better of your relationship , seek for help and have a positive mind set (or try cause I know how difficult that can be) and eventually you should start to feel better , I have another 5 months to wait until my boyfriend is back from Iraq so I will be doing exactly what I've said I think you should do , just keep strong ,hope this helps

    • Teen37818
      Teen37818 S11348

      Posted

      Yes it was quite helpful. I see him soon and plan to tell him how I feel. Regardless of the outcome, at least I'll have shared my feelings. I love him and nothing can change that. You're right in that if I didn't care then I wouldn't be stressing about it. Good luck to you as well. Life is too short to deny love.

    • susan40295
      susan40295 mel88

      Posted

      I am also in a LDR. It is very painful because I know I want to be with him but my feelings are pulling away somehow. I know when I get to see him they'll get back to normal. I have been feeling depressed and not myself lately. It seems nothing makes me happy. I don't know exactly what is causing that. If anyone knows why I am feeling this way please let me know.

    • susan40295
      susan40295 S11348

      Posted

      I know exactly how you feel. I'm also in a LDR and there are times I'll feel super in love and there are times I'm numb and wonder if I've lost feelings. I know deep down that I love him, it's just hard to find it sometimes, and I don't know why that is. Nobody has a perfect relationship and I feel that if you didn't love him or I didn't love my boyfriend then we wouldn't even be stressing about it in the first place. I am here if you need to talk!

    • emy97042
      emy97042 susan40295

      Posted

      Susan i wanna talk to you ??? sad(( please

      I want to ask you something cause im so bad pls help!

    • mar56427
      mar56427 susan40295

      Posted

      Hello girls, my last relationship was a LDR . I totally relate with what you are saying.

      Our relationship failled, since we broke up few years ago .

      tbh it was terribly painfull, I think my experience could be usefull

    • love99269
      love99269 mel88

      Posted

      Hi I am in LDR too for 3 years now. It wasnt easy at all, I was living with him for 3 month and we both love our company. Everything is going good everytime we are together and we I back to my country and start LDR again it going not well. People say when you have LDR, trust is the key in relationship. I was trust him before untill I saw that he tried to getting back together with his ex 2 years ago. That was a nightmare for me and since I knew that I got anxiety and depression. I've been talk to my bf about that, he didnt explain what exactly happened between them but he did promise to me not gonna happen again and not in love with that girl. He promise to me that she not gonna in our life and he is not gonna goin accross. But I cant trust him easly. After thats happened I felt that our love is unequal, I am feeling that i give him too much love and attention and it wasnt enough untill he got attractive with other girl. I dont know what to do, I dont wanna thinking about it but my mind is so f****d up atm. The worst is my bf having depression about financial which he say he needs his own time

  • Debi25
    Debi25

    Posted

    How hard it must have been for you to write this, and how brave.

    Liz, I think you're just exhausted by being brave for so long.

    You will feel more relaxed alone or with your children because they need you and you gave life to them.

    You really do need to talk to your husband openly and honestly so he is aware of how serious the situation is.

    I am hopeful that you still love your husband, but you don't like him at the moment which is perfectly understandable.

    Your depression/ anxiety seems to have been brought on by your situation and your struggle with it and it's something you need to work on together.

    Deep down you have to cope with your resentment of his actions and work together to resolve this or it will only get worse.

    Don't give up on your marriage, but concentrate on becoming a team again and hopefully the love will still be there when you get through this terrible time.

    Good luck Liz. x

  • liz54943
    liz54943

    Posted

    Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply Debi.

    I think you're right, in that reason I feel much more at peace and happier when I'm alone or just with my children, is because they don't place any pressures or stresses on me (bar the usual parent/child stuff) and I certainly don't feel any resentment toward them. And, yes I do feel exhausted and so very drained. I have battled (quite bravely I feel) without complaining, and have kept upbeat, but I think my emotional strength has just run out.

    I have tried talking to my husband about how I feel, but I haven't dared voice that I blame him, or resent him. I really think that would bitterly hurt him, and right now I simply couldn't cope with the emotional fallout that would generate. It's bad enough that he's already low and very far from his usual dynamic self. In fact, he's just a shadow of his usual self. He's quiet, hesitant, and is clearly just going through the motions of trying to appear normal, and engage with our family.

    You're very right, in that I no longer feel we're a team (you're very wise, actually) and I MISS that. I used to feel that it was us against the whole world, and that we could face anything together, and still come through (which we have done several times in the past). I used to love and admire him, tremendously - but now, he's the person I want to run away from, and it's just heartbreaking. I have to force myself to hold his hand, or force myself to chat to him.

    My husband knows I feel very low, and he is understanding about that. But, he was very quick to trot out how low he feels, and how bad he feels, and I got the impression that I couldn't really hope for much support from him. I don't think he has much strength left to lend to me. He thinks we should just 'fake it until we make it' and we need to stay positive, and push away any negative thoughts. Much easier said than done, though?

    At the moment, I need to try and privately come to terms with my resentment toward him. I recognise my feelings are partly unfair, because the recession has played a huge factor in our economic troubles, and he certainly isn't to blame for the recession. Inside, I'm quite a traditional woman, and I admit I have always expected he'd be the major breadwinner (although I work part time myself), and I have always admired him as being a resourceful, successful man, facing up to stresses and rising to the challenge. But, all that seems to have changed. He now seems very much diminished in my eyes, and he's not the man I knew and married.

    But, I genuinely don't know how to come to terms and resolve how I feel. But, thank you again for replying, I really appreciate it.

  • liz54943
    liz54943

    Posted

    Thank you so much for replying designergirl.

    I think you're right, in that I'm focusing him as the reason for causing all this stress. Why it's suddenly burst out now (after nearly 2 years of living through this) I really don't know? But, it's like someone has just flicked a switch in my head. Right now, typing this to you I feel fairly okay. I'm meeting my Mom later for a coffee and I've just done some laundry, life seems okay. But I know that come 5 o clock when he'll be on his way home from the office my tension will start to rise, and basically I don't want him to walk in through the front door (when it was always a high point of my day).

    I will try and follow your advice. And I have been forcing myself to do things with him, and make conversation with him. I am so worried that I would be making the biggest mistake of my life if I walked away.

  • Debi25
    Debi25

    Posted

    He probably feels as guilty as hell every time he looks at you and the children, feeling that he has let you down in his role as the bread winner.

    It's probably easier for him to fake it or turn it into a competition about who is feeling worse.

    I wish you could just hold each other and cry together as it might be what you both need.

    I'll be thinking of you Liz and please post whenever you need to get things of your chest and don't bottle it up.

    Sometimes it can help just to write it all down as you have today. x

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