Can anxiety/depression stop feelings of love?

Dear shells, yeah it does suck when you are older and you feel there is nothing else. I am also ina bad pale because of the recession. But my husband and I lost everything after 9/11" and we built it all back up. Now for the past 3 years it has all dwindled. We went thru this , whats happening to you 25 years ago, but got back on our feet. Now it's going on again. We have one more house left now and need to sell it, we won't lose it because it's paid for, but it's a house in the rural country and really lonely for tow older people so we must sell it for our sanity, we like to buy something smaller . But believe me I know what you are going thru. We sold our floria apt. Last year, because we had to or lose it. But we went back and rented in the complex, I felt like a loser, all my friends were so different I was a lowly renter not an owner. Laughable isn't it. My situation doesn't sound like yours I know, but believe me it is. Bought a car today, but had it get whatever they offered ( thank god someone did tho) because we had such terrible credit. But don't dispare. There has got to be something better along the way. Maybe you should sell the house and go to where you could afford. Don't stay in a miserable place it will only make you feel worse. I looked at my husband who always tried to bea good provider, and because of the recession he cannot be, and I could see how badly he felt. I said to him that we'd be fine, and I think eventually we will but in a Differnt Way. Try to think of something to get yourself moving In a different way hope you do well 

 

Seriously?? You can't bear him because you can't have fun anymore? What fun are you talking about? Dancing in a club drunk? Partying with friends (alcohol). I seriously don't understand girls. You find a good guy and complain. Seriously let him go if you can't bear him anymore. Let another GIRL appreciate him.

Problem with most relationships today is people are very selfish and they don't put themselves in their partners shoes. Sara you said your husband doesn't let you habe fun? What kind of fun are.you talking about? Going out with the girls drinking and clubbing? Because hate to break it to you but when you got married those things come to an end , even though you think it's innocent fun in your partners mind it isn't, Put ypurself in his shoes, how would you feel if your husband was going out partying and drinking with his friends and not including.you? Not saying you have.to hold each other's hands but you have to make your spouse your number 1 priority over anyone , you both have.to sacrifice things and that's what the problem is in relationships people don't think of their partners they think about themselves. Your being single days are over, friends can be a easy toxin to.your marriage , their is a different from friends and toxic friends , my suggestion to you is to boot the toxic friends , toxic friends are the ones that want you to go out with them and exclude your spouse , let's go to the bar just you , right there is when you say nope for the simple fact that you are married now and you and your partner are one , package deal , if.your friends can't handle that , then they arent friends. Remember you got married because younwere in love , you married because you want to be with your partner through everything, you made a commitment to God a marriage isn't me me me , if you can't handle the marriage commitment then you got to ask yourself what's more important my marriage or my selfish self? If you say yourself, then you need to divorce your husband and let him find someone that wants to share and experience love and life together. I hate to sound harsh but it's truth marriage is hard work and for it to work you need respect you need to out yourself in your partners shoes and you need to kick selfishness to the curb , because your partner is your number 1 priority over friends over family over your kids. Because your.partner will be with you until the end as long as you make the same sacrifices he does

I am with ya Ashley, selfishness is the key to ruining a marriage and that's what's wrong with relationships, people tend to only think about themselves. I been married for 13 years and my wife suffers from anxiety depression/ PTSD and i am not going.to lie it takes a toll on me at times , I love her but her mental illness pushes me away , at times she makes me.feel like I am a convienence for her but I stand by her even though I feel like I have sucker written on my head, what has helped me is I read a lot on mental health and try to understand what she is mean to me and says hurtful things to me and makes me feel like I am worthless at times, I know it is a disease she has and I feel so bad for her and pray everyday that she will get better, I feel like I am married to Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde, what makes it hard for me is when she is mean to me and says hurtful things I try to to take it to heart to much but it's hard knowing is she is telling me the truth or is it the disease talking. I will walk away and she will eventually chase me and be the sweetest loving girl I married but as time has gone on I'm at a point that her mental illness has taken a big toll on me and I feel like I am a convienence store to her, I feel like I only get love and affection from her when it's on her.terms,part of me is kind of like am i doing the right thing by sticking by her? I have to big of a heart and I know I love her but I also feel like is it fair that I am treated badly at times? I tell her.to seek more help but telling someone with mental illness to get help opens up a can of disaster. She.tells me at times that she would be lost without me but then bang next day hate my guts when her depression and anxiety kicks in. I learned to just walk away and give her space but it still hurts inside because when she gets that way she has me feel like i am not good enough for her , she gets distant and selfish , she met these recently divorced girls that i consider toxic and what they put me through i didnt think my marriage would last but i stood my ground and fought for.my marriage and made my wife realize what she was doing was wrong, i told her she doesn't habe to be married to me , if she wants to live the single life go right ahead , I said i will find someone that wants to be married and happy that their husband wants to spend time with them and respects each other . I said your friends are toxic I never heard of friends telling a friend to make sure they exclude their spouse and go to bars and clubs , my wife would say I was insecure , i said nope not insecure just think its chilish that a married woman is going out drinking at bars while she has a husband and kids at home, and makes it clear to exclude your partner but I said have fun , cuz I can do the same, cuz how does it feel that I am going to the bars with some friends and making it clear that you can't come , I said how does that feel? I'm sorry indidnt get married to be single and that's what people's problems are today selfish pieces of s**t

Hi Greg

I couldn't agree with you more. I feel the same way. I don't understand why other's drink beer and party? If someone recorded them while drunk they would be ashamed of themselves. They fall and can be taken advantage of. I know because my grandma is a alcoholic. It stresses others out. Anyways I read all your comment it made me realize something. I have the same problems as she does. Anxiety, Depression, PTSD. I know it takes a toll on others. Especially those who live with you. I say hurtful things but I don't mean it I'm just irritated at the time. I blame my mental illness. Did you know that Depression, and Anxiety cause "irritation." It's not you. I'm sorry she makes you feel this way. You must be a good guy. Not many men put up with their wifes like that. What about her family? Does she have family members that can help you out with her? She needs to think about you and her kids and get help. She needs therapy and medication can help. Try to convince her. I understand the friends part they can mess up a marriage. My brothers wife was being influenced by her friends too. That's why I say married women should befriend other married women. Single ones are not a good influence. Its good that you turned it around so she would understand.Tell her how bad she makes you feel when she lashes out. She has to care and I hope she gets help. I don't understand how people can be so selfish and only care about financial status or having fun. 👎 They are egoistic people. Selfish pieces of s*it. No wonder they say when you love someone it's always you who will end up hurt because they don't love you as much or at all. Love sucks. Selfish people too. Your wife is different though. I cant go out at all even less party. She can't do it alone she needs help from her family members and therapy. If she doesn't want help. Get help for you and your kids. It affects you all too. Stay strong🙌Greg

It's so sad the way you suffer for her. If it ever gets worst you should think about you and your kids. She's going to take you all down with her.

That's what is very hard about it , you would think i would be used to this by now, but it's impossible to be considering someone that says they love you and is thankful for you turns around and puts you down and hates your guts and is mean to you and then the second you realize ok then let's get divorced and go are separate ways she turns it around and says she is in love with me again. I know what she has is a sickness , I look at it like there is a little demon living in her that takes over her from time to time , but what makes it hard because you don't know if the things she says is legit or it's just the demon talking. Considering she knows how to really push my buttons and find my weakness. But I stay by her and yes I been dealing with this for quite a long time with her , she has been in and out of therapy , on different anti depressants, which does work for awhile but it eventually wears off i realized through the years , it's like her body gets immune to them and they stop working so everything is kinda of like a revolving door , go round and around back to square one and start all over. When I first met my wife we hit it off , she was sweet and caring and she still is but as time went on i started seeing a side of her that left me with question marks , she likes to hold on to the past and I realize those things that happened to her in the past has taken a toll on her, I thought my life was pretty messed up but what she went through has topped mine. So I feel bad.for her and wish I could go back in time and save her. I realize the things that happened to her from the past reflect a lot of negativity out of her and when that happens she tends to try to bring me down with her and basically uses me as a punching bag, she will point out my flaws , say I don't make enough money , she wishes my family was normal , she should of married someone that knows how to provide for his family that makes more money , she will with hold being intimate with me and make me feel like I am not.good enough for her and compare me to her ex boyfriends and husband, yes she was married before when she was young and had a daughter young. Her whole life was drama cuz the truth of the matter is she is the one that needs to look in the mirror and realize she is the one that had the screwed up life and made wrong choices. Not saying I am perfect but I know I am able to move forward and be thankful for life and what I have, I look at life positive and she looks at life positive as well but has more negative over anything. But under all that negative i see a beautiful caring girl that is captured by a little demon inside her that I pray will eventually vanish. The messed up thing is back then they never really had much advice on PTSD and anxiety and depression , I didn't have the access to it like I do today , so another reason that helped me hold on to this marriage because to be honest I was at the end of my line with her. God and reading material helped me see things and understand what she is going through and putting me through, cuz to be honest I was about to throw in the towel , another girl that had the hots for me was feeding me the love signals and saying the things to me that I wished my wife would say to me ,The bad thing was she was married also but I was drawn to the attention she was giving me and thought wow this is the way I deserve to be treated why doesn't my wife talk to me this way ? So I woke up 1 day and it hit me that my wife is a complete b***h and I don't deserve to treated this way, so I told my wife it was over thatbshe doesn't deserve me , you know I was completely shocked when I saw how she responded to that , she got very sad like her spirit was shot. But the crazy thing was I didn't care ,All I thought was all the abuse and all the putting down and making me feel worthless was final i was done , I didn't go for that other girl and I still loved my wife but realized She isnt.the girl for me she is evil and very negative and I became completely blind to her , she was practically throwing herself at me and i was blind to it. The abuse she out me through was final, I didn't leave the house cuz I still loved my children but I didn't care what my wife did she was nothing.to me anymore, until I went the work the 1 day and a friend at work told me not to divorce her and asked me if she has depression and anxiety and I said yes she does, he explained it to me and told me to look it up on the internet , to me it was a message from God that made me see the light in my marriage. I suddenly loved my wife again and realized what she was going through , when i got home and showed affection to her the look of relief came off her and things between her and I got amazing for awhile we were back to loving each other , inseperable, so in a way it kind of worked out , gave her a big kick in the butt , everything was goimg.great until her mom ended up in the hospital, I will continue

The second my mother in law went into the hospital my wife did a big 360 on me. All I wanted to do was be her rock and said baby what do you want me to do how can I help you and be.there for you. She said she just wanted me tp work and take care of the kids and keep the house in order, basically everything while she was by her mom's side in the hospital , i didn't hesitate , I loved her and wanted to be there for her. I was doing everything and yes I was overwhelmed but I had it under control , she would only come home for dinner and then run back out the door again, she quit her job , which my wife has a huge track record of doing , with her anxiety it's hard for her.to hold onto a job but that's besides the point , I didn't care i knew she had to be.there for her mom, I was missing her and the kids were missing her but when she would come home at night i would go to hold her or kiss her and she would pull away she started talking crazy things saying she can't give affection cuz her mom can't hug or give affection? , I was like ok , I started seeing my wife being distant from me but I understood her mom was dying in the hospital and I couldn't imagine, just didn't understand why she didn't want to show any love towards me when all in was doing was being her rock and missing her , I was close to her mom as well and I wasn't able to go see her mom unless it was on her terms , the whole thing got completely crazy. But in was hanging in there doing everything until the 1 day she comes home from the hospital and she told me some hot guy was checking her out, I was like great thanks for sharing , I was very hurt by that considering I am home doing everything and now your at a hospital supposed to be by your mom's side and now your checking out guys ? My insecurities went through the roof. All I pictured was her at the hospital flirting with some guy cuz I know for a fact she wasn't with her mom every second considering my wife is a smoker , so all I pictured was her flirting with this guy. I was very hurt considering when she came home she just got more distant from me , it was a nightmare. I hate to say it but for my sanity i downloaded a tracking device on her phone so I could see her text messages and calls and see where she was , it was the only thing keeping me sane while she was gone. On top of that my wife met these girls that were recently divorced that were a very bad influence on her after i would work all week and the weekend came all i wanted to do was spend time with my wife and kids , go see her.mom at the hospital , just spend time with her but she became very selfish and distant from me her girlfriends would invite her to bars and make it clear to not invite me , when i tried talking to my wife about why her friends don't want me around she would blow up on me and say because they don't, I said well then they arent good friends then , I said friends shouldn't come over your marriage i said I have never had friends make it clear to exclude you. She would just get mad at me and take their side over mine , my wife was showing a lot of red flags of being unfaithful , I was praying to God everyday and felt like a divorce was coming. I was so stressed out and she was not the girl I knew anymore anytime I would try to talk to her she would blow up on me , her grieving on top of her depression was beyond anything I ever experienced before , she became my worst enemy , distant, wouldn't sleep in bed with me anymore , left the house a few nights and shut her phone off , to come to find out she slept at her daughter's house, she turned my daughter's and her daughter's against me the only one that had my back was my son, he saw what Mom was doing wasn't right but I held in ther On top of all that she was doing to me , I started seeing text come in on her phone from an older guy she used to work with and she always told me he was like a father figure to her considering she really never had a dad, this guy was old and married but and I didn't see any harm in it until he started texted her with sexual jokes and that there drew the line for me , I never told my wife that I was spying on her phone so when I got home from work and saw her I grabbed her phone when she wasn't looking and confronted her on it and said why is this pos texting you this stuff , she said why are you looking at my phone? I said maybe because you have been distant from me and now I see why , she said he is just joking around she said she has no attraction toward him , I said no this needs to stop , I said how would u feel if I had a girl from my work texting me this crap , I put my foot down and said you eather end this or I am going to him and his wife and showing her these messages and i said if you want a divorce this is will hold against you in court. Like I said I was through having sucker written on my head , I said if you don't want this marriage then let's get a divorce . She swore to me she wasn't cheating on me but then got super mad at me and said this isn't about you this is about my mom , I said your mom tells you it's ok to treat your husband like hell and run off with single girls to bars That make it clear to exclude your husband , I said they aren't friends they are toxic friends, i said you have children at home that miss you and you choose thise girls over your family? I said your mom says it's ok for you to get sexual texts from an old married guy while your married?? I realized my 1wife completley lost her mind and I was her punching bag but I started realizing that I can't live like this so I just got distant from her and told her she can do whatever she wanted be cause I will do the same ,i thought to myself I will stay here until we fi d out whats going on with her mom and she gets back on her feet but after that I am moving on even though I loved her with all my heart I realized you can't force someone to love you all you can do is find your own happiness i did t marry her to be her boss i got married to a girl i wanted to spend the rest of my life with so i realkzed she didnt want the same with me i started getting distant from her and it made her hit reality and my wife realized what she was doing was wrong she reached out to me with open arms and said she loves me , that's when I realized everything she put me through was from her sickness and greiving. It was a nightmare ride and a half. I still have some question marks that are unanswered but I let them go , I don't think she cheated on me even though all the signs were there I hate to say it but the tracking device kind of helped solve those answers for me. I don't track her anymore but I actually don't regret it cuz again what she put me through with her sickness I would probably be in divorce court right now. Her mom passed away on Christmas and my wife is still grieving but she has been not pushing me away , well not as much , so part.of me is still unsure , but I know she needs mental help and new medication , I think I'm at a point in life now that I just want to be happy and I actually don't care what she does now cuz what she put me through was beyond anything I ever experienced, I do love her but part of me feels like if she put me through that again I won't be able to handle it , I will just walk . I realize her sickness takes a toll on me and I hate to say it but i can't handle it anymore and part of.me feels like maybe there is someone better for me out there

Hey Greg

I read everything and I can't believe it. No wonder you are stressed out. Youve been through alot. Im sorry. Money is not everything. You are working. You are providing. I don't understand why people always think about money. Money is needed but only for the necessary. Bills, food, roof over your head. Family should always be first. I'm glad you didn't go for that girl. You don't want a married girl who can easily cheat on her husband. She would do the same to you. I understand it must be hard when your own wife is not showing you any kind of love. Leaves you vulnerable for another one that does show you love.

I agree with putting the tracking device. You have the right to know if she's cheating on you. She probably told you about the hospital guy flirting with her to get you jealous. The older guy obviously wasn't a father figure. Why was he making those sexual texts? Sounds like he wanted something else. Thats what happens when people go wild they start behaving bad and dont care about other peoples feelings. I think your wife thinks she can do whatever she wants so she does it. She thinks you will always be by her side. So when you distanced yourself from her she got worried and relected on what she had done. She came back to tell you she loves you. Its okay once. But you cant be the only one "understanding." Its always you. She needs to stop acting that way and start being responsible for her family. Needs to be there for you all. A relationship is not only about "receiving" you have to "give" love and show you care too. If you have unanswered questions why don't you sit down with her and ask her what you want to know. Well I do hope she gets better for you and the kids. It's not right to be pushing you down everytime she is not in the mood. You can only take so much from a person. Love is strong but it can take you down if the person hurts you in any way. If they don't show they care there's always someone out there who will. Why waste time being unhappy life is short. It's good that you are by her side and family. But if she is doing more damage to you it's best you leave her and find another girl who will love you and treat you right. "If someone loves you they will fight for you." But is it worth Fighting for someone if they show they dont care? or have any remorse of their past actions? I hope you are doing the right thing. I don't know her so I wouldn't know why she acts like this. Its understandable you get sick of the way she is. Seems like she is hot and cold with you. She loves you and then bam she hates you. Sounds like its her depression. There is someone out there for you. If you ever decide to leave her there are other women out there. You will find someone.

I can't believe she went to the club having kids and a husband at home. Some people deal differently with their depression.

You really do love her and I thought men had no feelings. Everything you've said but different details. Sounds just like what my brother went through with his wife. She didn't have a kid though at that time. She was going out to clubs with her single friends and didn't seem to care about my brother. He was depressed and stressed out. She went wild. I think she wanted to be free. Single and have fun with her friends and drink beer and party. My brother distanced himself from her too. He would do the same. He went to the club got drunk and ended up sleeping with another girl. She was mad. They made up and now are back together and have a kid. I don't understand why people stay with their spouse if they do these things. You have to love yourself too and have some pride. If they hurt you, cheat, act like they don't care, belittle. Why should you continue with them? It must be her depression, Anxiety. They are in a bad mood. Frustrated, angry, distant, cold.

People use others as a punching bag. Because If you don't take out your anger with the person stressing you out. You will end up taking it out on the ones you love. She loves you she probably was took it out on you. She was frustrated at something else. Her problem.

Hey Ash , sorry to hear about your brother's situation , I understand completely what he went through. And I don't blame him for sleeping with someone else, he was probably thinking she was doing the same. For my wife to go out with these girls was a shock to me because my wife isn't a drinker so when she pulled this crap on me it just added to the fire on top of everything else she was doing. Again she showed every sign of being a cheater on top of that old b*****d messaging her and her distance from me all that went through my head was she is going to leave me but has crappy as she treated me and making me her punching bag she didn't cheat thanks to the tracker. If indidnt have that tracker I probably would of walked away because whybshe out me thru was beyond . I know for a fact most guys would of walked out but I stood by praying. It was a horrible time and things have gotten better but not a hundred percent because she is still.greiving and her depression still makes her selfish I just hot to the point where I just walk away and try to focus on myself. I have say down with her and talked to her and asked her if she loves me and she said she does and then I say why are you mean to me then what do I do that is so bad to You? She really doesn't have an answer she just says she wishes she didn't have to work, I say welcome to the rest of the world . I say if that's what makes you unhappy then go find a guy to support ya that makes tons of money, Ididnt fall in love with you for money. I work my butt off and I actually make decent money she just has a habit of spending and has social anxiety when it comes to work she says she can't deal with people and I laugh but you can go out with your girlfriends to bars etc.. She did stop the whole bar thing she realized it wasn't her thing and when she did go she would only go for an hour or so , It was just the principal of the fact that she excluded me with her toxic friends which I feel God answered my prayers about that also considering she found out they r trash so she doesn't hang out with them anymore.. so yes tho vs have gotten better but not 100 percent part of me feels like how is this going to last before she snaps again, I just keep g telling myself if it does I am out of here

Sorry about my grammar on my last post , I was typing fast and I have a new phone and my thumbs are to big lol. But you want to laugh ? Yesterday my wife was being nicer to me , she was coming to me for kisses and hugs and it was nice but in the back of my head I know it isn't going to last and I told her sarcastically joking with her saying you will hate me in a few days . She told me yup because that's who she is , says it makes her feel safe because everytime she gave her heart completely to someone they hurt her. I said how silly is that I said how long have we been together? I said I got news for you when you treat me like crap it pushes me away and makes me think you are up to something? She said have i gone anywhere? She said that's just who she is she admitted she knows she is a Narcissist, she said she read a whole thing on it and realized that's what she is to me . I said well that needs to stop , if you want this marriage to last then you need to stop. She said nope it's her way of coping . I said well it isn't right it isn't right that you expect me to accept that so I never know if your being serious or not another thing now that you told me that now it becomes a cover up so when you do treat me bad I'm supposed to just accept it , I said a relationship takes 2 and I am not a punching bag. We stopped the conversation because my kids walked in the room but all that went through my head is she needs mental help and I feel bad.for her and part of me feels like i really can't do this anymore that life is too short to be someone's punching bag when I am the most positive big hearted person , I hate talking about myself but it's truth , it's just who I am and I hate it at times because people take advantage of it .

I agree with you. I wish my brother would have left her though. He put up through alot too. If she does not want to respect her husband she can be single so he can find someone else. The problem is couples having different prioritys. Good thing she found out they were a bad influence. You can only fight so much for a relationship if the other person doesnt care you shouldn't either.👍

Lol Don't worry about your grammar It was fine. I'm glad she's being nicer with you but that doesn't mean you have to be the one taking the hits all the time. She says she will eventually do it again? Sounds like she has no remorse about all the hurt she's caused you. If she loves you she needs to get help. Narcisstic Personality Disorder. They even have a "Narcisstic prayer" if you Google it. There's also "Narcisstic Abuse" help for the victims of Narcisstic people. My aunt is a Narcisstic. Narcisstic people only care about themselves. My aunt is a compulsive liar, shows no remorse, egoistic, selfish. Another problem with them is they wont "listen" and don't care, it's just a one sided conversation. Typically, narcissists don’t take responsibility for their behavior and shift the blame to you or others; however, some do and are capable of feeling guilt and self-reflection.

If you’re with a narcissist, it’s important to get outside support to understand clearly what’s going on, to rebuild your self-esteem and confidence, and to learn to communicate effectively and set boundaries. Dealing with Narcissistic people. They manipulate and self project their behaviour onto you. If she is Narcissistic you need to know how to protect yourself from her.

No Greg

She can't be using you as a punching bag. She needs to seek therapy for her problems. 🙌& Start trying to control her behavior.

I agree people do take advantage of you if you're a good person. You have to defend yourself from them. Stop being nice if they are being mean. I have a big phone too.

You can't change a person. If she doesn't get help how is she going get better? She needs to think about her family and that she's hurting you too. You're not always going to put up with her. You will eventually get tired of her bringing you down.

Yea , I'm pretty much at that point where I realize I only give back what she gives me. , I had long talks with her and told her she needs help. I still show affection to her but if she doesn't return then I just walk away. I know she has a sickness but I'm getting to a point where I don't think I can handle it much more because I realize there is only so much someone can give without getting a return. So lately I just been focusing on myself and don't take her crap anymore, I am not her wind up toy and I hate to say it but part of me feels like if someone better walks into my life I might go for it because I'm tired have having question marks on my head wondering if she does love me or she doesn't, with her rude negative comments it's hard to know what she really feels. She says she does it because she is scared to give herself to me a 100 percent so I say so by you not giving me a 100 percent all that tells me is your open to meeting someone else and basically keep me around until that happens , I made comments that she should find a guy to support her and she said will I stick around until she finds him, I said nope I am not your puppet, and I said well since you have me that answer I am going to start looking as well and I walk away from her , eventually she comes to me and says she is sorry that she loves me and says she is just so stressed out , I'm just like so be stressed out on someone else not your husband that loves you everyday because all it's doing is pushing me away. So yes she is has naracissiltic personality, not full blown but pretty close. I know she needs help and I still it in her head to get it , like i said before her losing her mom took a big toll on her so it's going to be a matter of time in sure , but until she gets help and makes me feel that I am important to her again , I hate to say it but part of me is now open for meeting someone new , not saying I am looking for it but if the opportunity comes I don't think I would say no

Hey Greg

Yeah I understand she still is coping with the death of her mom in her own way but you need to take things slow. It's not fair for the other person if you still have feelings for your wife. Go out with your kids and if you meet someone take your time to know them. You need time to heal so that in time you are ready for the right person. Its good that you've started to think about yourself too. Maybe that will make her change.

I hope things work out with her. Hopefully she will change seeing your acting indifferent to her. Maybe she will realize she is messing up and she has a good guy by her side that is so comprehensive and will change for good.

That's the thing, she knows I am a good guy and she takes advantage of.that that's usually what a Narcissist does. Only really cares about herself , if I am upset about something that she does and I try to tell her why I am upset but she will turn it around that I am just insecure and she always says you don't own me I can do what I want.to do. I say ok so basically your saying you want to be single because I got news for you there are a lot of things I sacrifice also for this marriage so I say if you can't put yourself in my shoes the same way I put myself in yours then we shouldn't be married , i told her I married her because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my best friend I tell her she is my priority but if I'm not your number 1 priority then good luck to you because I am not a convienence store, on top of that I pointed out to her how she used to get mad at me for going out with friends and we use to get in big arguments over it and I said what did I end up doing , I stopped hanging out with them and the funny thing was I never excluded you and you were just my girlfriend at the time. So i said so its ok for you now after all these years we been married and inseparable for youto choose your friends over me ? I said and that's ok if that's how you want this marriage to be i don't want any parts of it because I my as well be single also , so you let me know what you want to do because I thought I married my best friend my lover someone that wants to go through life together and sacrifice things to make this marriage last just like i do for you. Someone that tells me they are a Christian believer I said you really need to open up the bible again and read about marriage . I told her I am not forcing her to be with me , I said I will fight for our marriage but I will not chase you, I said if you wsnt.to be single then go get the divorce papers because I didn't get married to be single. Again i have no problem with my wife having friends but when they make it known to exclude you they aren't friends they are toxic friends And when you start to choose them over your spouse then all that does is lead to disaster. I'm sorry a married woman with children shouldn't be going out with single girls to bars while her husband is home with the kids , even though in their minds it's just innocent fun in reality to your partner it isn't, it's a selfish act and that's what's wrong with people today they are very selfish. They only think about themselves that's why most marriages do not last. My wife stopped going with them and when she did go with them she would only go for a drink and come home and again I don't mind that I minded the fact that it was known to exclude me , if I was going.to a bar with My friends I would tell my wife first where I was going and leave it up to her if she wanted to come or not , it's called respect. I don't have to hold my wife's hand everywhere she goes there should just be respect, and again another big killer in marriages because people are very selfish

Greg

Don't worry she might change. Marriage is about making sacrifices and caring about your spouse. Good Communication is important. You're a good guy if she takes advantage of that start acting indifferent. Maybe she will realize she's been wrong all along. 👍Yes, I agree she shouldn't be excluding you. In Marriage you're both united to each other. If she wants to go out to the bar she should take you with her. She's not single. She's married and with kids. Respect👏 You're the comprehensive one in the Marriage.

Hello Greg

Apologies for the lateness in reply. I just came across this forum and found your circumstances are very similar to mine.

How sad it is that one reaches for the internet at the most odd hours trying to find answers.

As it is late, if it is ok, I will post a response tomorrow as I think by sharing my own circumstances, I am hoping it will help you in some way.

Hope things are getting better for you.

Thanks Joe, yes I definitely would like to hear your story. And thank you things are ok now but just a matter of time. Still keeping my chin up

Hello Greg

?As promised, I'd like to share my story with both yourselves and others. I would like if I can to start by saying that I do very much feel for both parties to living with someone with depression.

?My husband I believe has been depressed for over eight years now. His behaviour can at times be erratic but there really isn't one thing that stands out from the rest.  Our marriage ran into dificculties because of the stresses of home life, work (we were renovating our property ourselves (whilst working) bur we worked as a team and whilst there has never been mad passionate love in our lives (he's 53, I'm 51) we did have a closeness and mutual respect for each other. However, that is not the case now.

?We went to marriage guidance counselling after I coaxed him for years to get help but he always refused and said it was my problem. Things came to a head in 2011 and I could take no more, and asked him to leave for a few weeks to give us some space to think about what we really want. So he went to stay with our friends for four weeks. During that time I went to a counsellor because I wanted to learn how to see things from his perspective. and to more clearly understand him better.  I welcomed just being bale to talk about things to someone unconnected. After talking through e-mails (He won't talk when this happens, as if punishing me for his own behaviour) we decided that our marriage was worth saving, and on the proviso that we both went to counselling. Which we did, and sadly was a waste of time. He had this sort of bravado that things are going really well. (Incidentally, he does that, and manipulates a situation by being overly nice before any appt. Anyways, so I digress.  He decided that he didn't need counselling anymore so it stopped and I kept going for a while.

?I've quickly came to realise since then and through my attempting to communicate with him on every level possible, that he constantly changes the goal posts.  I asked him many times, "how do you want me to express something to you?" He said "If I'm a d**k, just call me a dick. That was many years ago now and well let's just say that I've gone through every possible way and he still tell me I'm wrong, or I took something he said the wrong way, etc.  He moved out again in 2014, mainly for his drinking.  He again went to our best friends home to stay. Again he refused to talk and when I rang the female friend she said he had gone to the pub.  Then he started e-mailing me. Pages and pages where he said my anger is getting out of control.  Everything was my fault. He had already started to convince me that it was my fault. He never once in that month asked about our sick dog which I had to go through the hurt of tending to her medical needs. At the end of this four weeks we had a 3 hour chat where he came to see me. He promised in writing that he hadn't been drinking and had been thinking throughout his stay away.  He confirmed that when we met.  He then started to place conditions on his coming back, 1. I will stop drinking if you agree to go sailing. In my minds eye then I realised something was very wrong with him.  I had nearly drowned when I was 19 and hate water. He knew this, so why would someone put someone in a position to feel unsafe? 2. I would like to go out once every month to have a blow out with my friends. He hardly ever sees them so agreed to that. I also asked that he stay overnight, as I would not be picking him up drunk. He agreed. Incidentally since then, he has seen our friends only three times. in nearly 3 years. 3. He agreed to another set of counselling with another counsellor on the condition that I get help for my temper separately. I agreed wholeheartedly thinking that he now knew that he had to communicate better as well and welcome his counselling as means of improvement and insight to his own.  He knows this and has been told so many times now. When he came back in the June, he was different somewhat.  He became snappy and irritable which made me the same.  So I did some work on my self help books and kept a journal of my thoughts. He told me after two months of being back, 'you'd better tell me where you keep your journal just in case i come across it by accident' That is when the worry crept in. I told him that my journal is a personal journey for me where I can look back in a few weeks, years, and see a positive change in myself. to which he replied, ' yeah well, I bet it's all bad about me and that you've been speaking to everyone about me'  That was a bolt out of the blue! Talk about walking on eggshells.

?We started counselling in the August and the weird behaviour became worse. He didn't shower at all. I had to 'i notice you haven't had a shower in a few days, can I get you a clean towel, etc' anything just to take the hint. Counselling is a safe environment where we should be able to express ourselves and the hurt we feel over someone elses behaviour and I embraced that. I spoke with my husband after our first appt was arranged. I told him in a kind way that some things that continue to hurt will need to be discussed on both sides and that there won't be any shock because I had already spoken with him about them in the past and the affect those things had on me and vice versa and that I wanted to break the cycle. After a few sessions, his behaviour became withdrawn and I was hurting inside anyways so just observed him. For six weeks he didn't shower or even shave and wore the same work clothes every day for a week. This went on for weeks. He didn't help around the house. in simple terms he came home from work and just sat around watching telly unless I specifically asked him if he would do something.  I became tired and withdrawn. He started accusing me of being paranoid. (His payslip had been redirected to our best friends home) I picked up on that. Also he was putting into our bank a lot less than he should have been given the overtime he was working. So I was trying to work out logically WTF was going on. We continued weekly sessions until mid November, where I was at my wits end with worry and yes, paranoid. He was not changing his behaviour and he became someone I was on edge to be around.  There were lots of other things happening in his behaviour, he didn't go out like he said he would on his 1 day per month binge. He just couldn't be bothered anymore and the more I asked, the more I got shot down with a, 'stop asking me that, i'm fine or I'm ok' So I learned to withdraw, and give him space he clearly needed. Yet I felt emotionally battered and bruised.  When I simply couldn't take anymore, I rang our counsellor during the day (we had an appt after his work finished and I was to meet him there) When I explained things I said that he clearly needs someone to talk to after his punishment of me when I tried to be honest about my feelings. I explained the rest of what was going on on both sides. So I said that I dearly wanted her to deal with him on his own where he could speak freely. He kept texting and texting and I could bring myself to say anything but, ' I've been a bit delayed, you go in and I'll be there when I can.' that's the only time I've ever lied to my husband other than to keep gifts aways from him until his brithday/christmas etc. That was a thursday night. in november. God I'm talking a lot. so I'm going to take a wee break and get back to you and others if that is ok.

Blog 2. lol

?So he went to his conselling session. And I panicked big time, sat with my dogs trying to watch a tv program but saw none of it. Worry ....whoa yes. Then he came home at 9pm, came up to our lounge and said, "I've had a really busy day, there's something I need to talk to your about in the morning and I can't do it now" I said ok whenever you're ready. (that week was his first week back at work....after 4-5 weeks off for what he called gout. Turned out to be sadly another lie) I kept my appointment with the counsellor for the friday. He spoke to me on the Saturday, so I came downstairs scared and I sat shaking having been left to wait for so long. He told me that he had made some mistakes. He said that he had got himself into debt. I asked how. He started by saying that he had to pay his digs with our friends and he wrongly thought that was it. conversation over. But I had my own questions. where did the money go, how much was he in debt? I told him there was no future if he couldn't be honest with me as I had been with him. He didn't cry, he was emotionless, when he said in his words, "I was out partying drinking and smoking" I told him that I felt disappointed, hurt and angry that he had punished me saying I was paranoid when I had been right all along since he'd been back and he said 'you made me do it'. I asked him something I had been told by the female friend (incidentally, she is 60+ and married to my husbands best friend) he calls them family. This was before he moved back home, where she said she would be here for me.

?She told me in a kind way some things my husband was saying but only after being pressed by me. She told me the following.........

she said, "Hi Jo, how are you doing? I was tearful saying that the e-mails were hurting me more when I had tried everything. I said to her, 'you have been my friend for years. what are you not telling me?' she told me that he had been spreading information about my past. she didn't say it that way but in a nicer kind way. they had no information on my past before that. To them I was a nice kind and grounded person who was the strongest person she had ever seen. (she told me that night.) It turns out she had been the recipient of his blame behviour. she told me what he had said, reluctantly because I told her how hard would it be for me if I didn't know the truth. so she told me. and also all of the information he gave the family. And I was left with no-one to talk to. So when I put this to him he admitted he had disclosed things that I would and could never do unless I had good cause. There is no good cause in embittering others to solidify any cause when it is profoundly hurtful to another. He betrayed everything and all the hard work I had done and all because he needed to suit his own ends and save embarrassment to himself. He chose to embarrass and dehumanise another human being.

?Will be in touch, my husband has come home and is raging at me, and sadly I've raged at him and I need to take myself away.

So things are ok now. And its now that i tell you to think strongly before leaving your wife. She may be a narcissist. But do you know that for certain. Or is she just hurting greg.. i have many years behind me and do so very much want more. I have alienated myself from people who genuinely care. I made a move tonight to rectify the things he has said and done. He warned me not to contact said friends. I choose not to be alone in this anymore. Alienated by him.

I feel certain your wife loves you. Deep down and there is no sure fast way to help you. You need to help yourself and she needs to do it moreso.

On a final note, i have depression, anxiety and ptsd. My husband knew this when we met. But his own illness makes him say the most hurtful nasty things. I then respond with truths but in nasty way. Which as caused untold damage. I have now shut him out of my life whilst i pick myself back up with counselling (cbt) and homework. Because i refuse after 20+ years to accept that this is my lot. I do deserve better.In the throws of ptsd i went wild. 17 yrs ago now. And had tremendously 2 bad relationships. I woke up one day and said no. No more.

I am in that same position today. No more. I pay for my own therapy as does my husband. He gets nothing from therapy whilst i get everything. I am feeling low and constantly rejected and i know that some of this is my own doing but not all. He can build a fire through his actions and then he simply lights the flame. Therapy is hurtful and is painful in the beginning. However if youre committed to working after that 1 hr session per week........to practicing techniques then you are trully on the right track. Which is where i am. And he is not.

Dont be patient....please get help. You may find you really love that quirky woman and it would be such a waste. The grass is never greener.....it is maybe you just got used to the grass and got bored..

Encourage your wife to get help. The nhs services for both of you are sh*te. But i still prevail. Because i dont want to be my own illness.....i want to fight it tooth and nail. If you can get self help books like.,mind over mind they too will help.

I stay with my husband because deep down and past all the resentments and frustrations i have.....i still love him deep down.

He needs help and so do you and your wife. Encourage her to get help through the pain she feels. I have had loss and felt so bad i tried to take my own life twice in 1998 and 2005.. its not a good place to be. Take time out. Dont go and get drunk in a pub, try to see three good things that make you smile each day. Three small insignificant things that make you smile. I have hundreds....lol i have my cute dogs who do send me demented at times. Or watching the goddamn birds at dawn chorus every morning. Just something that brings a smile makes the day worth living. Dont detach from her unless she wont seek help. Failing everything else....be kind to yourself and get some help for yourself. But ultimately and i know how difficult that can be in my present circumstances. Please try to be strong and supportive.

I have said this from both sides. So i ask not to judge.

Kindest regards to all

Xxx

Sorry for the late reply , I was away on vacation with her and the kids and it was a good time. But things are still the same. I love her very much but it's very hard to know if she really loves me, her depression holds a wall up to me, to the point it makes me feel like she is just keeping me around until something better comes along. I had a big talk with her the other night and told her my feelings and what she is making me feel I told her she is back and fourth like I Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde , I said one minute you love me then the next you hate my guts , she said it's mainly her depression, she explained to me what her depression does to her and what it makes her feel, she agreed she is mean to me and she said she understands if I leave, she said she wants me to be happy a d said she would be ok to see me in love, she told me part of her feels like she needs to find her happiness and wants to be alone for awhile. So I said so you're telling me you want to go are separate ways? I said I can't force you to be with me so if that's what you want to do then I will make my plans to leave, then I turned over and fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning getting ready for work she grabbed me and held me and I said what r you doing, she said giving you what u need , I was kind of like what is she talking about and I said well I got to go cuz I am late and I kissed her and said I love you and she said I love you. I went to work thinking was that her way of saying goodbye to me ? Lately I am at the point where I am tired of being the giver and not really getting any receiving , part of me feels like when is it going to be final when is she going to do ally say it is over. I realized lately that I just want.to be happy and someone to love me the way I deserve to be loved so part of me is kind of looking elsewhere but then it hits me that I don't want to lose her and pray she would just give me herself completely but she doesn't, like I said it's like a wall she holds up to protect herself from giving herself to me a hundred percent cuz she told me before that she can't give me herself a hundred percent because everyguy she did that to ended up hurting her. I keep telling her she has nothing to worry about because I want to be in love , I said by u putting this wall up is making me want to hurt you cuz u make me feel like I am not good enough for you. So again I don't know what to do, I am so lost and hurting.inside , I know she is still grieving over her mom but why take it out on me? I'm at the point now where when I come home from work I don't know if she is going to be nice to me or not. Also she is leaving in a few weekends to go to the shore with my daughter and my step daughter, I was invited to go in the beginning but then it turned I to girls only , I was kind of hurt by that but I think the only reason that is is cuz I don't know if my wife fully loves me , part of me still feels a little insecure like she is up to something. She did ask me if I would be ok if she went without me and I am like yea that's fine but really I'm like I wish u wanted me to.go with you. I dont know I am just not use to being with someone that doesn't want to do things together. My wife has plenty of space from me because I work a lot so when i do get home yes i like to spend time with her and the kids , not saying i have to hold her hand everywhere she goes but going to places like that i would never think about going without including my wife, You can say it is selfish of me but again i got married to spend life together to experience things together but my wife likes her space , and she was never like this before her mom went into the hospital, her and i were always inseperable but ever since her mom went into the hospital my wife did a big 360 on me and treated me like i was nothing to her, like i said her greiving on top of her anxiety and depression was the craziest thing i ever experienced with her , she treated me like i was her enemy , got very distant from me ,to the point i thought divorce was coming, or that she was cheating on me , i look back and think was i right to hold on like i did or did i just have sucker written on my head , what she put me through was not healthy on me at the least my nerves were shot and my wife barely gave a crap , i felt like i lost my best friend , i couldnt even talk to her she would blow up on me for no reason she pretty much had everyone against me my daughters my step daughter the only person that had my back was my son , he saw how crazy mom and everyone was treating me.But in my heart and my faith in God I held on, even though it was a nightmare from hell, a few weeks before my mother in law passed my wife started included me again and told me she loved me, that's when I knew for a fact that she is mentally ill , my nerves were so shot that I couldn't even be intimate with her because my mind was racing with question marks if she cheated on me and why all of a sudden are you being nice to me? , i didn't trust her a hundred percent. After my mother in law passed on Christmas Day of course out of all days she passed on Christmas , that evening turned to a nightmare again my sister in law got in my face for no reason, I was sitting down having a beer with my brother just talking and my wife and my brother in law and his wife and my kids were in my mother in laws bedroom looking at pictures , I sat down with my brother for a few minutes just talking about fishing finally having sone brother to brother tine since i barely got tp see him since the whole tragedy started and out of no where my sister in law got in my face for no reason and said we are going back to our house for a change of scenery I said a change of scenery? And she said yea a F''ing change of scenery!!! For no reason yelling at me and that's when I snapped , all I felt was hatred from everyone around me since the day my mother in law went in to the hospital because my wife played me as this bad guy. So I got filled with rage and I hate to say it but I had kill mode triggered and for me to get there takes a lot , I started screaming at my sister in law and my brother in law saying how crazy your sister is and my wife walked out of the room and I started screaming at her saying how mental she is my brother jumped up and stood up for me and said that I am hurting also , my brother told me to go out back because he knew I was ready to kill , so I stormed out of the house and he followed me and they all left the house , that night I thought my marriage was over . My wife wouldn't answer her phone when I tried calling her. My brother sat with me that night to help me calm down, later that night my son called me and asked how I was doing he was the only one that cared , my son said he overheard them plotting how they r going to get me to leave the house. As i sit here now and think about the helll I went through I think now what am I doing why do I love someone like this?somepme that proved to me that they can easily turn on me ? I know she has a sickness but do i deserve to be with soneone like this ? Will things get better?Do I have sucker on my head because I habe to big.of a heart to walk out on my family? Do I keep my faith in God to save this marriage even though I feel I am being abused and that I am a convienent store? I don't know what to do anymore I just want happiness

Sorry Greg, im just getting used to this forum and only just found your reply hun.

Just try to hang in there because it sounds to me like she really wants help. But she has to do it for herself. Shes also sounding really insecure.

Youve got to remember though that abuse is abuse. Depression or not. And Depression isnt a catch all for unreasonable behaviour.

No two people can be the same no matter how hard we try to understand our partners. Thats why women are from venus and men are from mars.....lol

I do hope sincerely that things start to improve for you as a family unit and that you can both find some measure of happiness. Depression and anxiety is a cruel indiscriminate illness and takes time and a hell of a lot of practice and hard work to reprogram ones brain to see things from a different angle.

Remember to keep yourself safe and try to be as robust as you are able. If she can get assessed, then all the better. Shes probably to frightened to admit she has a problem/illness. When I was diagnosed i was petrified of the unknown having been in a successful career at the time and the symptoms were well and trully alien to me. But i researched, and I researched and when i had thought I understood and had got everything I needed.....I researched some more because quite frankly my illness will not be the thing that defines me as a person. Your good wife needs to do the same because if not, the symptoms may get worse.

So be strong and get in touch anytime you feel you need to. (When i get used to finding the replies that is....lol) and remember to be kind to yourself. You are on here talking to people which means you have a kind and good heart.

Kindest regards

Jo

Ps. I have found over the years that I too need 'me' time.. not to go partying or away for weekends but just time alone to figure things out. Let me tell you, that does not mean I dont love my husband to the moon and back. Because I do, like I explained he has his own issues.

As for her mum. Firstly I am very sorry for your loss.... Depression/ anxiety has an uncanny way of planting thoughts in some people, me included, about death and dying. She is naturally and understandably grieving the poor mite. And it may be shes fearful of losing you, others, etc. Thats amplified in some people with anxiety and depression. Like I said, it is a cruel illness that can torment the mind to distraction.

Be rest assured you do not have mug written over your head. You are probably hurting so much that it is making you feel insecure. And that is understandable in the circumstances. If your wife ever wanted to come on here and chat, i will be more than happy to listen. I am no expert and even those without a mental illness will themselves go through difficult times in their lives. We just need to reassess more as we go about our daily lives.

It sounds to me like you both need to give each other a big hug, and talk, and reassure each other, and remember to do that regularly. Its easy to fall into the trap of 'shes not showing affection so I won't scenario' and vice versa.

If loving someone was so easy and stress free, i do believe we would be living in a Utopia and world peace and all that. Try to reassure her. Trust me...she may not thank you to begin with, but you can bet your bottom dollar, she will appreciate it.

With best wishes and lots of positive thoughts to you both.