Can anxiety/depression stop feelings of love?

This reply is to Liz and all the people in this discussion. It can be incredibly hard to love when you are depressed. For one in depression there is a lot of guilt that comes along because there is negative thinking. The first thing I would advise is not to feel guilty about the negative thoughts that you have. I also would have to tell you that alot of what you are feeling and any negative emotion you feel is because you are afraid. I would advise that you don't get paralyzed by your fear. Discuss the financial problems with your spouses. You never know they may feel the same way you do. And in that you guys can attempt to uplift one another. I would also say understand that you guys are in a situation that may not be what you are normally used to which can do all kinds of things to your identity making your life seem foreign and unreal to you. This can also make it hard to love someone. How can you love someone if you don't know who you are anymore. I hate to say it but many people attatch who they are by how much money they make, what they buy and friends they have because of the idenitity they have established. It is important and I mean crucial for you to face every emotion that you have fearlessly. You overcome fears by doing this:

1. Face it do not run from it.

2. Devalue it by understanding that you are bigger than your fears, without u it can't even exist

3. Don't let fear paralyze you instead be active. The more you act the less control your fears can have over you.

4. Understand why you are afraid by dissecting your fears and try and fix what really is bothering you, once again with action.

5. Respond to your fears don't simply react to it. Respond meaning you take the time to decide how you will respond versus just reacting.

Take time figure out how to respond, stay calm and go with the most rational of responses.

6. Understand when fears are valid or invalid. Valid fears mean your life are in danger, invalid fears means your ego is in danger and fears irrational harm making you feel helpless because you feel you can't do anything about it thus paralyzing you into inaction.

7. Congratulate yourself for overcoming fears no matter how small. Best of luck to you all and you will make it if you keep acting and not become paralyzed by life.

Hi, are you professional or like some of us just having some issues to deal with?

Hi Detra

I agree with you, when I was ill with panic attacjks and agoraphobia I lashed out at family but that's because I was very frightened.  I know I'm going through a really tough time with my husabnd suffering clinical/major depression and leaving us., he seems to have pushed the self destruct button on the whole of his life, us, our family, the home and his job.  If I am honest the job had to go, in fact I'd been trying to get him to make changes over the past 3 years to make life less stressfull, sell the home downsize, do things he wanted to do, take a holiday and have a complete break and go out with his friends all of which fell on deaf ears.  Our relatinship was built on a solid friendship, love, loyalty and trust and I tried to reassure him that if we had nothing left at the end of this as long as we had each other that would mean more than anything, our realtionship was never built on money or material goods, you can't take any of those things with you when you die.  I'e tried communicating without success, he says he doesn't want to stop me from doing what I want to do he never has and likewise I have never prevented him from doing what he wanted, it's so very sad that we all know he is so very porrly and not seeking help but nothing any of us can do, it's wait and see.  I can't beleive he is making life changing decisions in the midst of being so ill, he's divorcing me, comin gno where near the home and several months ago he came for a meal?  He said he feels immense guilt for what he has done to us all and sadly our kids have cut of all contact it's their way of coping, our daughter has been made really ill as a result of this and he didn't even acknowledge her feelings, I am the one lef tholding her when she cries.  It's so very very sad.  I know how hard it is, I overcame the panic attacks it took time but when I realised they were limiitng my life and I wasn't living life I made a real effort to sort myself this is somehting he needs to do, so far he has thought he can deal with this on his own and so far he hasn't we are all left wondering how long this will go on for before he finally realises he needs help.

I have dealt with mental issues  like depression so I understand what it is like. We all go through things in life. And when I learn something from what I have been through I always try to share what I have learned.

I have dealt personally with anxiety and depression.

I'm so sorry your husband left.  I know someone who can really understand and you can talk to for help maybe winning him back.  Her husband left her and the kids no less than 30 times in 12 years.  He was a criminal and unfaithful too.  Eventually, she won him back and they had a wonderful few years before he died.  Amazing story.  You can read about it on the _____  website,  "Bring Him Home."  Incredible.  It's worth a try.

I've had to learn the hard lesson that my advice is not welcome unless asked for, or very carefully requested to be listened to...just like Queen Esther of the Bible.  You CAN love the unlovable, because love isn't a feeling.  We can ALWAYS choose to do loving things for people regardless of our emotions, which are controlled by thoughts, and we can work to minimize negative thoughts.  Lists of positive things to think about helps.  We can list our negative thoughts, and something better to contradict it.  I'm praying for the reconciliation of your marriage.  There is hope, especially because he feels bad about it.  Many guys are bitter & blaming instead.  He may feel you are better off without him.  Tell him it's not so.  Tell him he can run the family his way and work to break old habits of giving him unsolicited advice.  Accept anything unwise, except evil, but you can always visit in jail without actually giving up on him. 

I definitely agree with #3 the most.  "Proverbs 16:3  Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established."   You have to define the word "love" too.  Is it a feeling or an action?  God never commands us to feel anything, but we are commanded to love others as ourselves and He promised to help us.  We CAN certainly do a zillion loving things for our spouse regardless of how we feel about them.  I am so inspired by one lady who would come inside in the morning after her husband had again locked her out of the house so she slept there, and she made him a wonderful breakfast before he went to work.  After awhile of this routine, he couldn't take it anymore and started to be nice to her.  Unconditional loving actions are powerful.  Forget emotions.  They'll trick you.  Hard to know if they are based on reality or not.  We promised to do loving actions for our husband, for life, so wives should just totally focus on that.  Focusing on his faults just drives us crazy and drives him away.  Queen Esther inspired a real jerk of a man that she was forced to marry, wish I were more like her.  Working on it.

I see. It is so valuable and nobel from you. 

I wonder if you can help me out of your experience, do you recognize the behavior of my husband? 

I visited a psychologist but she gives a minor comments as: he is contradictory; it is up to him to decide what... and so on. 

We've been married for over 30yrs. Five months ago, he separated without warning, he rented a flat. Me, and nobody from children and friends suspected that there is a problem that will escalate in that view. Our children and marriage were good example for others. 

He said that he had to leave for health reasons , because of accumulated anxiety which took the form of anger, and that he needs to stay healthy for work... that his nerves are at stake and he needs peace. He made a phone call to let me know that when he will not come back home.

Around the holidays, when children and friends were gathered, he was ten days at home and he looked quite normal, although we knew that he was tense. After the holidays, that he explained that were exausting but pleasant, he left home again and announced that by phone, adding how much emotional and tense was all that for him. Also, he told how angry he is at himself for even coming home. He told me that he has to find himself. He wondered how much of his health and life left, and think about that how he wants to spend it... he said he doesn't want habits, and other obligations that are expected to perform.

Then, there was his slow but positive mood progress. All the time I was kept somewhat in the course of that he refused to speak or write about the details. In March, he looked like someone who reach himself and started sending encouraging signals. I encouraged him to come back home. That was a mistake... it was a burden as it is an expectation . Suddenly he decided that we not getting along well and proposed amicable divorce. He told me that he has only attention, concern and fear for me. In his soul , which he described as an empty one a few months eralier, he finds love of a friend for me. He needs peace.... for children and me, he wants health, happiness, and to help us financially. He distanced himself from our friends too. He visited one psychologist , one of our friends for all the mentioned time. Our friend said that he did not come to talk but to give a statemant. He's trying to be a friend and keeps a contact while he was doing his oversea fieldwork. Messages were cold , short and distant. Topics were restrictive, but he is restricitive generaly ever since he separated and he was talkative before. 

A week ago, he arrived from his fieldwork lasted over a month (he works on rigs), he said he felt good overthere and the same job was holdback from home and civilisation for him before; that he must admit that some ten days without communication felt good; that while he was coming home in March (when the kids and I agreed that he looked promising ) was burden to him however plesent. He said that he doesn't believe that love can be recovered, but he would like that to be possible. I traced some articles, and marriage therapy program that claims that absolutely possitive. Now, he doesn't speek about that anymore, but has new concearns...

He said that he would like that time can change his feelings, that the mentioned program seems great but he does not know whether it is for our case, and still is to enjoys his peace. He reduced the contacts and he has no actions... time will not bring any change simply because it takes two committed people for a marriage. Even phone calls are now too much burden for his nerves now. He wants to write, call, and see us without obligation and on a short notice base, if it is possible. His 50th birthday was left uncelebrated regardless we had some plans for him.

So many opposite or mixed messages... I'm loosing my mind and health trying to cope with his constant shifts of issues... also, I'm about to stay short of ideas... I love him deeply, I would like to help him but he refuses any help. He seems so easy to be annoyed and angry that it makes conversation tense and uncomfortable. I still firmly believe that there is a warm and kind soul in him and it sharply distinguishes from behavior that has allowed himself. One gets an impression that there is a double personality in him... one kind, warm and carring, and the other frustrated and hurt that became stubborn and intolerant, disinterested in socializing with friends and belonging to family and home. Sometimes, it is hard to follow his writing and talk... and he is extreemly consistent in his bad mood, negative response, dark mind. 

Is this just a phase, or something that is under certain category for diagnosis? He simply doesn't border to seek help. 

It's strange that he would change so suddenly does he have any health issues or has something changed recently with him? It's hard to say what his issue is without knowing him, but what I would advise is that you focus on yourself more and not him. It does sound like he might be going through some type of mental challenge that is causing his to have mood swings. He will have to sort his own issues out and the only thing I would advise is that you let him know if he needs you you will try to be there. Usually people who are going through mental issues have distorted views of reality and at this time he may be viewing you as an inteferance rather than a helpful person. Again not because you are but because his thinking isn't correct at the moment. I would back way off if I were you.

Hi WinsomeWife

Thanks for your kind comments.  Everything he's doing is totally out of character and bizarre, he told me the bullying at work has done this to him, it's left him unable to have a relationship with anyone.  Well I am 8 months down the line and I'm sure if he asked for help a year later I would still help him so I guess that shows that's just how much I care about him.  I feel really mean I know he's really struggling at the moment but I can't keep rescuing him at some point he has to start rescung himself.  I emailed and asked him if he thinks we are better off wihtout him - no response sadly we are having to leave him to get on with it now until he hits rock bottom.  I am now ready to face anything and I need to be strong for if and when he asks for help.  Once again, thank you for your kind words. J x

Thak you so, so much Detra43863.

I can only guess… I sense some medical issues, but see no idea how to figure out that…

He says contradictions… his way of dealing with being upset and angry was strange as after completely quiet reaction he went for destructive option to separate… he claimed that was necessary for his health and that he didn’t know how to deal with angriness at home and didn’t want to risk further rage… he pulled back from all social activities for months… he had hard time to find job contract in the same time… seeing me, coming home etc. all that was pleasant but an burden to him too… he didn’t show anything positive or kind of a structure in his work on sorting out the issues, still he insisted that we wait for his ruling as it has to be his decision… he had that strong urge that everything has to be according to his decisions, and again that is not him by nature… he came for strictly limited time to spend with us, usually 3-4 hours in the evening, explaining that was the most calm part of the day whereas at other tome he uses to reflect and seek job assignment… he decided to divorce in a middle of tries to get back to family life saying it’s too much pressure and made an excuse that pulls me in too saying that he doesn’t want to trouble either of us… he explained that I give so much and he has attention and care for me and that is not fair so that upsets him too… that he cannot get rid of negative thoughts, that he cannot erase bad experiences however aware that he had very good overall marriage experiences… he feels exhausted of making good deeds to people, pushed away from me in the last few years (I had suffered anxiety and had depression traces in accordance with my age and circumstances and he took it personally) , and hurt being disappointed in people generally (he had some extremely bad experiences with those that countered as close friends, and he always looked for a brother or sister in our friend as he doesn’t have any), and yes he works hard to get for significant expenses that he has taken on his shoulders, his job depends on his ability to work (health…)…  and now, he seems upset, but stays interested saying his precious peace is upset by drawing our issues up… he enters conversation being interested and gets short tempered getting tired of it… he seems distant when he listens and he usually knows to speak to people light talk masking his lack of deeper interest for conversation or actual mood, but being distant with an empty look in his eyes is not him… he kind of controls conversation and that must be exhausting for him as it is not his natural habit to be persistent and keep guard on… what hurts is that he was always relayed on me, now his choice is to stay away and look after his nerves in other words our marriage with all that I was done for him is to remember as good memories but not to mention but to save me for him as his best friend and that simply doesn’t work as I cannot feel free to call him anytime, our conversation is so tense, and he is so judgmental, air so thick of  prejudice that flies around him… he is so dark minded, in bad mood, negative and turns all tries in ‘that’s nice but…’. All in all he seems as a stranger with guilt manifestations in behavior who insists to go his way however that doesn’t make him being in good mood… important is only his inner peace, and just somewhere on his mind there would be us as he keeps min contact on. Does this help to get more detailed picture? On the other side there is me, never been more determined to help him, and to save our family as children are puzzled and disappointed, and to save our dear home too.  

Sorry for the spelling etc. mistakes... My health condition has started to deteriorated as result of lack of sleep for months, anxiety too. So, no wonder that my ability to concentrate and write (on the second language) fails badly. 

Once again, thank you so much.

Hi Alexx

My situation is a mirror image of yours.  The continually contradict themselves are manipulative, self absorbed and totally selfish but this is all part of depression and driven by the need to help them survive.  There are some great books by Anne Sheffield on how you can survive when they're depressed, also google the unoffical symptoms of depression you will see sudden references to Divorce and separation all to common.  The feel that evrything is negative and permanent too. Guilt, shame and wanting not to burden family are all other signs. J x

I totally get how he is by the  behavior description. But it still doesn't tell you why he is the way he is the way he is which will be the key to fixing the issue. My guess is it is something that happened which caused him to change this way. It does sounds like to me he is trying to cope somewhat as he is sometimes in a good mood sometimes he's not. Maybe you can get him to tell you what it is by telling him he needs to face his fears so he can be free. Tell him you will be there no matter what it is.

It's been awhile.  How are things with your husband and family now? Unconditional love & respect usually wins a prodigal husband back, as nothing else feels so good, but it can take awhile to show it enough, especially if we spent years being grumpy about things we didn't like, things no one can like, but if we promised unconditional love, the Lord will empower us to do it.  We cannot do it on our own.  Jesus is the glue holding my marriage together, filling my heart on those days I hate my husband's actions and my emotions are against my marriage.  We just have to learn to trust the Lord for our emotional needs, not men.  We who are obeying God in loving our man unconditionally, get to understand how God feels in loving people who at times turn their back on Him. 

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Sadly things have gone from bad to worse, he is now in a relationship with another woman who is an alcoholic and he is self medicating and for some very strange and bizarre reason he has cloned our dogs?  He has cut our children off completely and I have had to file for Divorce which is very sad as we all care and love him very much but have to do so to protect our finances.  Hope you are well x

My heart goes out to you, jackie.  (((hugs)))   Please consider the paper divorce very carefully, as this can be seen by him as totally giving up on him.  Is it truly necessary for you to go through divorce paperwork so you can keep a roof over your head & food on the table?  Please get more advice on this.  Lots of hugs and wisdom for you.  There is still hope, until your husband would remarry, which divorce papers would make possible.  I advise against protecting your finances at that level.  You promised on your wedding day that your man was more important than money.  I too have had to let go of caring about financial concerns, and give him permission to do what he will with our money & credit report.  The Lord will provide our needs, and a good credit rating is not one of them.  Please seek the counsel of the ladies I recommended, and halt any further divorce proceedings until you do.   You will find an endless supply of naysayers telling you to get rid of that jerk and get a better husband.  They are ignorant of truth.  "In the multitude of counsellers there is safety."  Unconditional love is the best way to be happy, love from God, and through us to our very imperfect husband.  It's what we promised.  Jesus will help.  Merry Christmas.  God came to live among us to save us from Hell, and to save us from Hell on Earth too.  My husband just this week told me that he noticed that I have been very obviously choosing to be loving.  He has been quite difficult this month.  He wants the power I have, and took us to church this Sunday.  He's not sure God is real, but he knows that Jesus is the glue holding our marriage together these last 8 years since he was screaming at me for a divorce.  Poor kids were upstairs scared and crying under their beds.  We've been married 21 years now.  I told him 8 years ago, that he could cheat on me with 50 women and I'd never give up on him.  If he abused me, I'd visit him in jail, but would never give up.  I see now after 100% eliminating money arguing, after nearly weekly arguing with at least a once a month blow up fight, that I don't need to care about the money for the Lord to provide our needs.  I am willing to live in a camper or apartment or with a church family, out of a van, whatever, to show my husband that he is more important to me than money or lifestyle.  That was a hard transition.  Very humbling to get to the point of being willing to be homeless to prove my love for him.  I had to stop caring about debt, but not enable by signing for loans with him, and he knows now that I won't help pay the bills or shop if he won't be a team with me on budgeting wisely.  I say my threats with the utmost of respect and concern for his feelings.  I'm learning to not be an enabler, and our daughter is learning that too, with her fiance.  KIds are watching our faith in God, and how to be a wife.  Don't divorce him.  Let the fiances crash.  Be willing to lose the house.  Get church help to prevent being homeless though.  Your grandchildren and great grandchildren and great great grandchildren are watching your faith in this marriage, your promises to your God and your man.  Dictionary love fails.  1 Corinthians 13:4-8 love is worth passing on.  You will be rewarded forever, and now as well.  You aren't doing this just for yourself or your husband.  It's much more than that.  Stop talking to people against your marriage vows. There's still hope.  He will give up on that alcoholic selfish tramp he is with, and you need to be ready.  One woman won her husband after he spent 2 years living with a woman.  Jesus is your real husband, but your promises to love that wretched man still stand.  Don't be a "rich young ruler" putting money ahead of your husband.  Give up caring about your credit rating, and you will feel so free.  I can hardly describe it.  I was so stressed about money, to the point of gaining 30 pounds in 3 months when he bought a much more expensive house against my wishes, while not selling the old one (took 3 years to sell, major new debt), I was either freaking out with worry or anger at his financial foolishness.  Last year, I gave it up to God.  I feel so free, yet the  money is still stupid.  I just can't care like I used to. Jesus has set me free, as promised.  I am free to spend more of my thoughts loving my man in action, than in trying to fix him for my benefit.  Serving the Lord with my marriage is far more enjoyable than serving myself with it.  It aint over until the fat lady sings.  You will be richly rewarded for your attempts at unconditional love.  Don't give up.

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I totally agree when I married I married for love not for money, money has never been an issue. I told him I would and could help him through this yet he wants no help from anyone, I told him even if we had nothing as long as we had each other that's all that would matter but it would seem it is he who no longer wants myself or our children.

As badly as he has treated me I would never turn him away should he ask for help.

What an awesome response, filled with Godly wisdom, which is so rare. If you haven't written a book, you should, because I would buy it. I signed up for this forum, just to "Like" your responses, and to reply to you and tell you how much you have just reinspired me regarding how to approach loving my husband again, which has proven to be a very difficult task. Today is his birthday, and I stumbled across this article while looking for a way to publicly wish him a happy birthday on social media (which i hate), when we haven't talked, literally, in months, yet we still live in the same house. I know, sounds pretty pathetic. I would love to talk or communicate with you, one wife after God's own heart to another.

Can this apply to best friendships? For the past couple of months ive been very numb, hopeless, and low in self esteem. I realized that my best friend i once wanted to be around every waking moment is now almost painful for me to be around, as i feel like she deserves better and that i dont feel the passionate platonic love i had for her anymore. It honestly scares me and i feel that we wont return to the healthy state we were at, even after the talks ive had with pros telling me its all rooted from my severe depression. Can it truly come back or do you think our relationship just isnt working anymore? Thank you.

Yes it can, the problem is people with depression push people away who love and care for them the most, part of that is they don't want to hurt the ones they love but pushing people away when they can be your support network often does more harm than good.  Untreated depression destroys relationships, people who have D think it is permanent it isn't.  So you've even had professionals tell you but your still unsure?  Don't lose what could be a good friend in your time of need, our family was destroyed by my husband refusing to accept he has a problem and get help.  I've had it myself it took a long time to get well but you can get well if you put the work in.

Dear W.Wife,

This is good advice. I was in crisis this morning and have been praying for a long time re my marriage. It has been hard. Mt husband loves me but is very hard on me. I admit I have neen critical because he has not always worked regularly over the past 20+ years. I have done all of the heavy lifting. Finally we are at a point where he is able to contribute more with his help, not monetary, but his time amd hard work. Seems as though now he resents me and is critical of me even speaking unless i say something that fits in his realm of ideals. I find myself stressed constantly with heart palpitations. His anger and insensitivity sucks the life out of me. He told me last night after months and days of me pleading him to just be kind to me, my mother passed on Dec 30th. I warched her pass. Ive been grieving. He has been a great great help preparing her house for sale, however, its been his way or the highway. A mere suggestion puts me in high volume critical bashing. When i cry it means nothing to him. But last night he told me he would try to be a nicer person. I hope so bcz im at my wits end.