Can anxiety/depression stop feelings of love?

I know I may seem a little young compared to others on this discussion but I am in a very similar situation. I am 16 and my 17 year old boyfriend who until now has made it clear how much he loves me has told me he no longer has any feelings at all for me. As you would expect this has left me rather upset as I haven't done anything to trigger this. However, I wasn't surprised when he broke the news because he mentioned early on in our relationship that this has happened every time he has tried to stay with someone longer than a few months. I know he has a very troubled home life and grew up with abuse from his step father, and still lives under a lot of stress (disabled brother and 'short tempered' single mother). I strongly believe this is why he can't keep a stable relationship as he is under constant stress from home which he cannot help but bring into our relationship. It makes me sad because he's such a lovely guy and he has said he wishes he could still feel how he did, it'll be a great shame to lose him, I just wish there was something I could do to make him feel what I feel for him.

Can someone please help me. My wifes situation is similar to liz54943, we were all loving, and we even made future plans even up to  3 weeks ago for 2015, such as  things she wanted to get done for the house.Then she did a 180, after she went traveling with her cousins last week across the country. She said she felt free, Finally, and being away from me has made her feel so much happier.Besides that she never took trips, she was always home, from work to home that is. She also told me that she needs to clear her head, and so she is moving out with the kids. I asked her is she has someone else, and she said No, that she is emotionally spent, doesn't love me anymore, and feels tense when I am around. Infact we had been married for 6 years(living together 8), I am 28 years old and she is 26. We had some major arguments, and I abused her emotionally, for about 4 years of the 8. I have changed my life early in 2014, but somedays she is really happy and loving, and other days she doesn't want to be around me at all. She says she is hopeless, and doesnt see a future with me, and that she has nothing to give.I love her, and I realized my mistakes in the past, and have changed, but it seems as if she displays signs of bipolor. She is so happy and loving to me, and we do things together, then at other times ver angry and sad, then goes in the room. I make her feel tense, and she always have her defenses up with me. Also she said the emotional abuse she felt three years ago is creeping up on her, and that on many days, she could be happy, and then a sudden flashback appears, then she becomes angry with me. She doesn't want counseling, infact she said it is over. She says she wants a divorce, and she is tired, and 2015 will be the year for her. So she left for an apartment with my two kids, and signed an agreement,but it had to be cancelled for she didn't know the Owner doesn't accept kids. I love her to death, I would take a bullet for her.How can I make her happy? Is our marriage savable? Oh, by the way, because she got kicked out of her new apartment, she ask if she could come back home, as in separted but living together. I said ok, until she finds a place. So most of time she doesn't sleep at home, she sleeps at her cousins house.She said the flashbacks are bad, and the house alone brings back horrible memories, so she cant sleep. My kids are 3 and 4, and they take it really hard, as I am the one who takes care of them.She says she wants to find out who she is, Whats her likes and dislikes, and she will be out of my house by March. I love my wife, I accept the bad things I did, I begged her for forgiveness. I am the breadwinner, she barely makes any money to survive with two kids on her own. She also said I had placed my career over my family, and I didnt take her out on dates anymore, I aways say I will do something, and never do it, etc, and that now if I tried, she wouldn't care. She doesn't love me anymore and has no one. She still treats me like I haven't changed. In addition now, she sleeps in her room, doesn't walk about in bra and panties anymore(Well from since she said she was going to leave), and If I would just open her room door, and she is in bra and panties, she would hurry grab the towel to cover herself up. I have started to read some books on being a better spouse, trying to save the marriage, and may even try the love dare, from the movie the fireproof. I already bought the book.  Please help me.

Just on a short note, this is what I would do:

1)I used questioned her about her whereabouts, even if she was 15 mins late coming home from work (She said that made her feel guilt)

2)I always used to ask who she was texting(Got her very angry)

3)I used to raise my voice to her in argument, and she would cry

4)I never hit her, but would call her some horrible names when its argument times.

5)I have never cheated

All these are flashbacks, and she says I make her feel tense and hopeless, and that there is no "US" anymore.Then she said after the divorce comes through, may I find a good woman in life.She haven't filed as yet, but she says she will contact her lawyers in March.

 Please any advice, I love my kids and my wife. 

Hi Liz,

Although I'm sorry anyone has to feel like this I'm relieved someone else feels/has felt as confused as I feel right now. I feel anxious and detached from reality, not enjoying things I normally would, super low self esteem and just feel so frustrated that I feel like this. My thoughts are so negative, sometimes I can be more logical and see that it's just the way I'm feeling that makes me think like that and other times I just can't see any other version of reality than the negative one. It's hard to tell what's real and what's just in my head. This makes it very hard to reassure my partner that everything is ok and that I still love him, I doubt it myself even though the thought of losing what we have/had breaks my heart and I want so badly to love him like I did.

I've been with my boyfriend for around 4 years but only lived together for the last year. We were doing long distance before that and although we did argue sometimes we were like you said, a little team against the world. The weekends we spent together were the best times, I'd look forward to seeing him so much and leaving at the end of the weekend was the worst. Although there are times when things are like they used to be, there are times when there's a tension and awkwardness between us, especially when he feels I'm not being affectionate and I'm too busy going through the thoughts in my head to be affectionate. Since we moved in together my boyfriend has had set backs at work, stints of being unemployed and obviously feeling low because of it. He used to be more active going climbing or playing sports with his friends. He's now a lot less active and sociable and we don't see his friends that often or even do much together, partly due to lack of money partly due to lack of motivation. This is especially hard as I have moved away from friends and family to be up here so I'm quite dependant on him for a social life, especially as I'm feeling too low to go find friends I feel like I'm being really shallow, as if I don't fancy him now he's poor but it's more just that it stresses me out that he's struggling and I have to pick up the slack. I hate feeling this way and not being able to reassure him that everything is ok. I wonder if I'm just being a coward and that we're not meant to be and I should be brave and break up with him for both our sake's (forgetting we just got engaged and bought a house together) but then what if it's just down to the way I'm feeling and I end up losing him because of it and being in a worse mess.

I've got an appointment to start counselling next week so hoping this will help. Did things get better for you Liz? Can you shed any light on the situation? Thanks

I suffer with Intimacy Anxiety, so I can understand how these things can effect you

Hi Liz,

I hope you haven't divorced by now. It would be a shame because the love you have inside is masked with fake emotions of the ego.

I'll try and explain to you what is going on.

First, you are not your brain- I am sure you know this by now. So there is you and there is the brain, or- the ego. We as human beings have three natural states which are love, happiness and peace. Ego on the other side has a whole spectrum of emotions that have polar ends- meaning, you cannot have one without the other.

Any time you seek for something from an outside source, for example if you seek happiness from money, that happiness is conditioned and has a polar end because when money's not there happiness is absent. If you tie "love" to a man, which is more obsession than love, for example when you control him and don't want him be anywhere but with you, you are using him as a source of happiness. Because, if the source is far from you, or if someone is around your source, you start to panic because all of your happiness depends on that source.

On the contrary, when you feel true love, that love generates inside of you and comes from you, unconditioned and pure. It doesn't depend on anything, it is there because you are emiting it. 

We can fall in the trap of the ego very easy. Think about anxiety for a second. What is it actually? It is a fear, a tension, but a fear of the unknown. What is fear actually, think about it? Can you sense fear, can you comprehend it? Fear is the absence of love. Or better yet said, fear is what masks love- ego masking your true self, because of silly reasons-like money. 

You are currently in an ego state of mind and your ego is vulnerable and blaming him for your problems and for being in this state. And that is how you FEED it. You are feeding your ego with tension and apprehension and sadness. You are producing more and more thoughts that will feed that state od mind and thus you're going in a circle from which you yourself have to get out of, simply by becoming aware of what's going on.

Go back to the beginning, why did you fall in love with this person? Was money of any importance then? Money is such an illusion, the society created it to derive fear. Do not get caught inside this trap. Use the money to live easier but do not use the money to direct your life. Never seek anything from it. Emotions that come and that are connected to money are always egoic emotions that have a polar end. 

Now, when two people who live together are both in this state of mind, sad and anxious, thinking about the past-or future, you are emiting your energy. You know that saying "Be responsible for the energy you bring into this space." You feel his energy and he feels yours and you are both feeding each other. What you should do is power up, you are stronger as two, and tell that "anxiety" to go. When you get a sad thought, think of a happy one. When you feel down and don't want to do anything, go running, or go do something. Re-program your mind or you will be in that circle forever.

Important thing is to never judge yourself. If you realize you are currently in an ego state of mind (which is whenever you are NOT in the NOW), be okay with it. The realisation is everything.

The thing is, your husband is affectionate because he is probably not as deep into this state as you are. Women tend to be more emotional and that is what covers up the love, while he can still feel it.

I bet you still love him to death, but you have let your mind control you- because of money? Money is non existent- maybe you can touch it and smell it and feel it, but it is a paper. The value it has, is just as existent as fear. 

Fear is always absence of something- like love, peace and happiness. It's like darkness, darkness doesn't exist, it exists only as an absence of light. Therefore, you can't do anything with darkness, you can only turn on the light and work on it to stay on longer. Same with fear and love. You work with love, not fear. Don't go further away from love, by getting divorced because of money.

You know that when you are in love you feel like you're in "7th heaven" because you feel

Liz  ! I can confirm for you that anxiety can block feeling of love and love can return when the anxiety is banished.

Anxiety and panic cancels/blocks the feeling of love. You must have time alone and you must have a solution to all the problems you have described. I can confirm for you my anxiety cancels/blocks my feelings of love towards certain people or towards everyone.

You must be alowed time alone without resentment from him AND you must have the solution to all the probems described. Combat the anxiety and feelings of love can return.  Combat the anxiety with time alone and problem solving/cooperation with your husband.

Marrage is crushing you. Solve the problems you have described. You have  have asked the right questions. I Think you understand the situation, because you have asked the right questions.

Restore the love by busting the anxiety. Restore the marrage to its original function or quit it. You must have his cooperation and you must not place the blame on eachother. Solve the problem.

My anxiety can be cured by massage. Time alone granted to eachother without consequence or blame. And problem solving. Cooperation not blame.

My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with this. I feel the exact same way. Although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, I feel comforted that others have felt this way and I am not alone.

I am about a month into this and trying to work it all out for myself. I want share share some of the things I have found help or not helpful in dealing with this.

1.     DON’T waste your time questioning.

Easier said than done, but when I stopped questioning – is this loss of feeling from the depression or do I truly not love this wonderful person – I felt better.  I have ‘fallen out of love’ in a normal ‘healthy’ way when I was feeling more myself, and it does not feel the same. If you experienced this feeling after or around an episode of anxiety or depression (at first unrelated to this event) then it is most likely just your brain chemistry playing tricks on you. Just decide that you know deep down you love them, and your goal becomes clear – to get better for yourself–NOT to spend days agonizing over if you love them or not.

2.     Now that you have made a decision ACCEPT when you are in the process NOW and don’t be impatient for change. Accept that you will feel fearful thoughts here and there and accept that you will have thoughts that tell you you don’t love them, and it’s not fair to them, and you need to break up with them. DO NOT WISH THESE THOUGHTS AWAY. As much as you can, you must learn to live with them. What you resist persists. Your thoughts are not important, it is the power that you attribute to them that can make them important or unimportant. So when you feel a fearful thought, let it be there, notice it, and say, this is just a thought, it is meaningless, I  choose different.

3.     Someone mentioned this but ‘mindfullness’ can help you in the moment when you feel anxiety when you are with that person. Mindfulness means being present and not worrying ‘what if this doesn’t work out, what if I can’t get my feelings back’. Try your hardest to just BE (this takes practice but just achieve it as many times, as often as you can).

4.     Look for love in other ways. You may not feel the “warm and fuzzies” so say to yourself this is a time where you will learn to love your partner in a different way – in a friendship way. You may not feel the romantic feelings so it gives you an opportunity to re-learn this person on the friendship level.

5.     Most important believe that this will pass in the future. When you let your mind go running to the point where you feel hopeless and like you have to end it, you can spiral down. Make yourself believe that there is hope – even if you aren’t there yet

All of these things take constant practice and I have been up and down with them but I am committed to keep striving to get better. In behind all of these things you need to do things that will give you the power to handle all of the above with the mindfulness you need. This means you need an outlet for stress. For me I make sure to take relaxing baths, do cardio exercise (like running, good to release anxiety), Yoga (good for depression) and Meditation (good to attempt to quiet the mind). I wish you all good luck and sorry for the long post but If this helps anyone I really wanted to say it because I wish someone could have told me all of this. Please comment and keep me updated as to if any of this helps J

I feel the exact same. Im sat here and just crying.

How are you now? Has it passed?

Im still at the above stage 4 months in and its killing the family.

Rachael, I am facing a very similar situation with my husband. He is in counseling and we still live together but he is certain that he wants to be alone snd me to move out. Two minths ago we were more in love than ever before. Im so hurt, now he doesnt want to touch me, go anywhere with me or even talk to me. I am invisible in my own home. We have a son too. Its been over a year since your post. Please tell me that things got better for you and your husband, did he get any help? I need some hope.

Hello, I'm no expert by any means but I'd start by reminding you that these feelings are very recent & to think they have weight compared to all the other times that things went well doesn't add up.

I've found that only the people we love in life can bring out awareness of our own darkness, so don't be confusing the messenger with the message. I'd look at this as a chance to deal with your own demons rather than blame this man. I think you should ask yourself why he is to blame for your feelings? Did he do something wrong? I mean really wrong, not some annoying thing that doesn't matter but hurt you by being mean or selfish? Because if he didn't you only have yourself to examine. Don't give away your power to be whole by unjustly blaming others for your feelings.

The other thing I believe in life is the ultimate measure of how to act is to imagine yourself trading spots. When you imagine being in his place think about how you would like to be treated. When you (or anyone) act in ways that wouldn't want to be on the relieving end of those become the acts later to be regretted.

There is an aspect of depression that is rarely talked about. We are all familiar with symptoms such as loss of appetite, increase/decrease in amount of sleep, sadness, irritability, sexual dysfunction, overwhelm and guilt to name a few.

Personally I think one of the symptoms that causes the most damage to a persons life is loss of affection. Once depression has had its claws into us for a while and we are utterly exhausted and sick of the whole thing, a strange thing can happen. Loss of love. We look at our partner and feel nothing. Depression can cause a feeling of ‘deadness’, an inability to feel pleasure in anything (anhedonia) and this can feel scarily like a lack of love. 

Our partners are often the most trusted people in our lives, so they are a relatively ‘safe’ person to direct this feeling towards. Sometimes it feels like we need to escape and find a more stimulating life (paradoxically while causing much pain, depression can also create an absence of sensation and life feels hollow) and it is easy and convenient to blame the relationship for not being fulfilling enough. 

The temptation to do this may be further fuelled by feelings of guilt for the pressure we have place on our partners and families as a result of our illness.  With shoulders already overburdened just trying to get through the next day, hour, minute there is just not enough energy left to deal with that guilt and remorse for the hurt we see in their eyes. For many of us, we are already slogging it away with a counsellor or social worker and are too raw to carry out yet more examinations of ourselves. A lot of what we have already seen is not all that attractive to our hyper sensitive selves.

Courtesy of our lovely friend anhedonia (the inability to feel pleasure or interest in anything) we require an overstimulation of the senses to experience pleasure or fun. Which is why an outing with friends or extended family may feel fantastic and our interactions with our partner feels joyless. Creating a desire to leave and find a more intense and exciting life. It is less likely that our strong parental drive will allow this sensation to be directed toward our children, leaving our partner once again as the most likely recipient of these feelings.

From my own experience I can say that once the illness has run its course, I am able to see the falsehoods that anhedonia had me believing. What I was left with, after I had dealt with my sense of intense remorse for my thoughts and actions, was overwhelming gratitude. And more love and trust  for my partner than I had before the whole thing consumed me. I am forever grateful that I didn’t act on the decisions I could have made and some part of me heard the little voice inside that believed in our love even when I couldn’t. I am especially grateful that my partner did the same thing. It would have been sorely tempting for her to cut her loses and escape the constant rejections and coldness aimed squarely at her.

Depression is one of the most selfish illness to afflict mankind. Recovery requires a level of self absorption for reflection, mood management is exhausting and due to its fluctuating nature one often feels a loss of credibility. It is not an environment conducive to making life altering decisions when your safety is not at risk.