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Hello. I don't know if 'Depression' is the right category for this but please help me if you know anything. Three years from now I was hit by the elusive illness which later, after six months, the doctor finally diagnosed it as CFS. A lot happened in these three years. I'll keep the details short. I was 16 when it started and of course no one knew what was wrong with me. All my tests were perfectly normal, nothing alarming, so we stopped going to the doctor for a while and in that while something strange happened. One day we visited our relative's house and our aunt, whom we visit frequently, was also there and in the middle of a conversation, I just glanced at her for a second while she was looking behind and when she turned her head back, not looking at me but in my direction that's when it happened. Suddenly I was seeing a complete different scenery like not my aunt's house or anyone who were there. I saw that I was standing on the front porch of a wooden cabin. The ground and the dark leafless trees surrounding the area were filled with snow while snow was still falling down and there were a few big and small metallic contraption on the right side of the ground. Here I was actually gazing at this new scenery from my left to right in a circular motion, then when my line of sight went to the right side of the cabin's porch I saw a girl between 19-20 age with light chestnut Bob hair and poorly dressed for winter, in a white frock with no shoes, socks or even a sweater. She was walking on the porch with her back towards me and the moment I saw her there she briskly turned around and smiled at me and then I jolted back to my aunt's house without anyone noticing. No one noticed it because they were chatting away, so I assumed I must've just phased out which was unusual, I never wander around when talking or anything! So trying to figure it out, the last thing I recalled before was my aunt and so I looked up at her again and to my dismay it happened again. Over and over this strange 'view' played in front of me (like pieces of memory flashing before you're eyes) and always ending at the smiling part. At first it was only when I'd look at her but the more I couldn't understand this the more my mind would unconsciously travel to her and then it started coming when my head would turn to her and without even seeing her, and with the escalation of the coming flashes, the scenery got cut too either only till the metallic contraptions or just snowy ground but mostly came the girl—turning around and smiling. Now I'll tell you this, I've never seen snow in my entire life nor did I know the place and l've never been a wooden cabin or house and the most agonizing yet, I don't know that girl. Also it was june. It wasn't ending at all and I decided not to look at her anymore. I noticed it was already late afternoon and hours had passed.
After that my aunt and cousins decided to come at our place and my whole body was unbearably throbbing in pain but I had to sit with everyone else because there's some invisible rule that you shouldn't rest even when your body's aching while someone's at you're house! And then I sitting there, in pain, while everyone were choking on laughter. So I decided to think about what happened. Then I realised nothing happened when I looked at her after we came from that house and I looked again, nothing. It was all very weird until I tried to get into their conversation, she looked in my direction and it all started again. A few times again my head would go back towards her in frustration. None of this made any sense. I thought if I tried to keep my reality and then look at her maybe it'd stop but nothing worked. So this time I stopped looking as quickly as it started however it began to trigger just by listening to her voice. It made me very angry, frustrated and confused like 'what is this?' and started thinking hard on what's this and who's that girl and why's this happening to just me, no one else seemed bothered and my aunt's really sweet to be jinxed! Then my vision went red for a good 10 or maybe less seconds. I felt so enraged in those few seconds and the red vision confused me even more, like looking everywhere just to see everything red. Nobody noticed anything and was thankful to think I was normal on the outside.
Ever since, my memory's worsened in these past three years and can't seem to remember anything! I wrote this in my diary if you're curious. I barely passed by a margin in my highschool exam. Since I had the red vision, whenever I'd think on those events that day or that scenery and girl, my thoughts get bleary and I can't think in that direction anymore and if I force myself my mind becomes fuzzy and everything seems surreal. There's also the feeling like my mind's blocked and I can't access into it and if I try harder, the surreal fuzziness comes back and later (even now) this forgetful, 'blocked' mind, happens in everything I do either working or talking and if I force myself to focus, everything becomes surreal like a dream. I black out a lot and can't converse normally because I can't think clearly and forget things (even what we were talking about) in the middle of it and always end up saying something that hurts the other person's feelings without realizing it or something I'll regret later when I think on it.
Please tell me if you know what this is, I'm really tired and sick of myself. This was just one out of many weird 'things' that occurred in these years. I wanted to tell more but this already took so much space. Sorry for jabbering nonsense and thank you those who read this till the end.
English is not my first language but I'm guessing you already figured that out.
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