Can anyone tell me what's wrong?
Posted , 7 users are following.
Hello. I don't know if 'Depression' is the right category for this but please help me if you know anything. Three years from now I was hit by the elusive illness which later, after six months, the doctor finally diagnosed it as CFS. A lot happened in these three years. I'll keep the details short. I was 16 when it started and of course no one knew what was wrong with me. All my tests were perfectly normal, nothing alarming, so we stopped going to the doctor for a while and in that while something strange happened. One day we visited our relative's house and our aunt, whom we visit frequently, was also there and in the middle of a conversation, I just glanced at her for a second while she was looking behind and when she turned her head back, not looking at me but in my direction that's when it happened. Suddenly I was seeing a complete different scenery like not my aunt's house or anyone who were there. I saw that I was standing on the front porch of a wooden cabin. The ground and the dark leafless trees surrounding the area were filled with snow while snow was still falling down and there were a few big and small metallic contraption on the right side of the ground. Here I was actually gazing at this new scenery from my left to right in a circular motion, then when my line of sight went to the right side of the cabin's porch I saw a girl between 19-20 age with light chestnut Bob hair and poorly dressed for winter, in a white frock with no shoes, socks or even a sweater. She was walking on the porch with her back towards me and the moment I saw her there she briskly turned around and smiled at me and then I jolted back to my aunt's house without anyone noticing. No one noticed it because they were chatting away, so I assumed I must've just phased out which was unusual, I never wander around when talking or anything! So trying to figure it out, the last thing I recalled before was my aunt and so I looked up at her again and to my dismay it happened again. Over and over this strange 'view' played in front of me (like pieces of memory flashing before you're eyes) and always ending at the smiling part. At first it was only when I'd look at her but the more I couldn't understand this the more my mind would unconsciously travel to her and then it started coming when my head would turn to her and without even seeing her, and with the escalation of the coming flashes, the scenery got cut too either only till the metallic contraptions or just snowy ground but mostly came the girl—turning around and smiling. Now I'll tell you this, I've never seen snow in my entire life nor did I know the place and l've never been a wooden cabin or house and the most agonizing yet, I don't know that girl. Also it was june. It wasn't ending at all and I decided not to look at her anymore. I noticed it was already late afternoon and hours had passed.
After that my aunt and cousins decided to come at our place and my whole body was unbearably throbbing in pain but I had to sit with everyone else because there's some invisible rule that you shouldn't rest even when your body's aching while someone's at you're house! And then I sitting there, in pain, while everyone were choking on laughter. So I decided to think about what happened. Then I realised nothing happened when I looked at her after we came from that house and I looked again, nothing. It was all very weird until I tried to get into their conversation, she looked in my direction and it all started again. A few times again my head would go back towards her in frustration. None of this made any sense. I thought if I tried to keep my reality and then look at her maybe it'd stop but nothing worked. So this time I stopped looking as quickly as it started however it began to trigger just by listening to her voice. It made me very angry, frustrated and confused like 'what is this?' and started thinking hard on what's this and who's that girl and why's this happening to just me, no one else seemed bothered and my aunt's really sweet to be jinxed! Then my vision went red for a good 10 or maybe less seconds. I felt so enraged in those few seconds and the red vision confused me even more, like looking everywhere just to see everything red. Nobody noticed anything and was thankful to think I was normal on the outside.
Ever since, my memory's worsened in these past three years and can't seem to remember anything! I wrote this in my diary if you're curious. I barely passed by a margin in my highschool exam. Since I had the red vision, whenever I'd think on those events that day or that scenery and girl, my thoughts get bleary and I can't think in that direction anymore and if I force myself my mind becomes fuzzy and everything seems surreal. There's also the feeling like my mind's blocked and I can't access into it and if I try harder, the surreal fuzziness comes back and later (even now) this forgetful, 'blocked' mind, happens in everything I do either working or talking and if I force myself to focus, everything becomes surreal like a dream. I black out a lot and can't converse normally because I can't think clearly and forget things (even what we were talking about) in the middle of it and always end up saying something that hurts the other person's feelings without realizing it or something I'll regret later when I think on it.
Please tell me if you know what this is, I'm really tired and sick of myself. This was just one out of many weird 'things' that occurred in these years. I wanted to tell more but this already took so much space. Sorry for jabbering nonsense and thank you those who read this till the end.
English is not my first language but I'm guessing you already figured that out.
0 likes, 33 replies
JackDM crow-
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I really am not wanting to sound rude, but perhaps you have a very powerful imagination that isn't getting as much exercise as it would like.
crow- JackDM
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Whenever I'd tell my family about this, they wouldn't say anything except that it's alright you're stressed it happens and my dad wouldn't even care to understand my situation and just call me crazy head on in front of everyone, even in front of the last doctor we visited, who gave me an appointment to a psychiatrist on the next day but no one took me there so what could I do.
Though I don't think my dad is at fault here, not completely anyway. My grandmother's (dad's mom) brother had severe schizophrenia and in the end hung himself. The shock was too much for everyone that time, he used to be very jolly, that's what I heard. I only wrote this for context I don't think it is genetic.
I actually feel very overwhelmed, talking to people in forums such as this. It's just my mind was very uneasy, there were so many questions and no answers that I couldn't take it anymore. Now though, just after reading the replies to my 1st question. I knew it couldn't be normal but didn't expect it to be related to all these.
richard89308 crow-
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crow- richard89308
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richard89308 crow-
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crow- richard89308
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crow- richard89308
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adrian71 crow-
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With Petite-Mile your mind would usually go blank and then back to normal within a very short time.
What you experience I would say is not exactly the same 100% see your Dr and get him to send you to a consultant OK.
JackDM adrian71
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adrian71 JackDM
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going into another world then back quickly which as you had stated would be the frontal lobe epilepsy.
Adrian
crow- adrian71
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Even in between a conversation I'd black out. So I spent most of my highschool year alone, preferably where no one would go, to avoid interactions with others.
But now I can't even talk without saying the wrong words! Like my head can't work right. It'd be perfectly constructed in my head but while saying it, the words are gone. It feels as if my mind's blocked, so I can't access in while speaking and also I was never someone who forgot things and now I'd forget things the very second. And my lack of focus and slow at grasping situations. It's so frustrating and agonizes you to no bounds. Do these also come with Petit mal or Frontal lobe epilepsy?
adrian71 crow-
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adrian71 crow-
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Regards (ADRIAN)
JackDM crow-
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My heart really goes out to you Crow. This problem really has interfered with almost every aspect of your life. I imagine at times this must be frightening. I was saddened to hear that no one would take you to see the psychiatrist.
You really do need to see a psychiatrist or a neurologist, do you have a friend that could take you? Are you still at school? If you are, perhaps you could speak to a teacher and they could arrange for you to be taken to see the psychiatrist.
The best advice I can give you is please go back to your doctor, maybe go on your own, so that you don't feel judged while you are explaining your symptoms. Tell the doctor why you were unable to keep the appointment with the psychiatrist.
I hope you get the help you need. In the meantime, please do use this forum for support and encouragement. I've met some very caring decent people here. I'm certain you will get understanding, compassion and friendship here.
Youre not alone Crow. Keep your chin up, and try no to be fearful. You'll always have support here and I'm sure in time you'll get answers and real help.
Sending you my best wishes.
adrian71 JackDM
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Regards (ADRIAN)
crow- JackDM
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Everyone's help was more than I could hope for.
crow- adrian71
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