Can depression/anxiety make me doubt my (perfect) relationship?
Posted , 83 users are following.
Hi everyone. I'm posting this because I have been going crazy the past couple of days. I am 20 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years. I can't tell you how wonderful he is. He is kind, smart, funny, and comes from an amazing family that I love so much. Our love has always been stable and strong; he is my rock and my very best friend in life. We have the same goals and values, and I know that I want to have a family and future with him. We don't have giant arguments - we are really good at communicating and working out any problems we might have had. I've never once questioned us.
Until about a few days ago, when I literally woke up and felt nothing. This is the scariest feeling in the world. I went from absolutely ADORING him, to feeling nothing. It has given me such bad anxiety the past few days to where I can't eat or sleep really. I pace around my house obsessively, thinking about every little thing about us. I feel pangs of guilt anytime that he does anything sweet because he loves me SO much and I feel like suddenly, I can't reciprocate that. I've struggled with the question, "Am I still in love with him?" and it has broken my heart to even ask myself that. I feel so guilty, like I am keeping a secret from him and he's living in this blissful ignorance. I don't want to leave him, and I don't ever think about what it would be like to be with anyone else. It makes me anxious to be around him because I'm constantly overanalyzing everything to see if I feel the same way, and to not be around him because I just keep overthinking.
Some background: Starting just after Christmas this year, I have really struggled with health anxiety stemming from problems that did not really exist. I thought I had a brain tumor and spent every moment trying to convince myself I didn't. I took two trips to the ER during that period, where they told me that I had a pinched nerve and on the other trip, an anxiety induced migraine. Things have calmed down since I have been to a doctor and she told me I don't have a tumor. Then recently, I had a sensitive tooth and I couldn't help but think it was infected and I HAD to go to the dentist that day - or else the infection would reach my blood and I would die. I know this sounds nuts, but I'm just trying to give you a picture of my life.
I'm a college student, and lately I don't have the motivation to do my work. I used to be outgoing and ambitious, but now I feel like doing the bare minimum to graduate. I am so anxious that I won't actually get into law school and will embarrass myself because of that. I kind of feel like I'm always waiting for the next thing to come along and that I'm just sort of... existing.
Do you think this could be me projecting my feelings on to my boyfriend? How could it be that one day I literally just don't feel the same way? I'm constanly battling between "you're projecting your anxiety on to him" and "you think you have anxiety/depression, but you actually just don't love him" and it is driving me CRAZY. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Help please!
7 likes, 100 replies
chase87964 carli80797
Posted
jaylene85326 carli80797
Posted
Hello All!
Thank god I found this feed!! I just want to say thank you to all of you who have shared your experiences! It has helped me knowing that I am not alone. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We just celebrated our 6th year and have lived together for a year and a couple months. Our relationship is perfect! I know every couple has their little flights now and then, but for us if never lasted more than a couple hours. We both don't want kids and were planning on getting married eventually (no rush). I lost my job 6 months ago. I was on unemployment, applied to grad school and was going to start in the fall. Everything was fine until 2 months before I went back to work. My anxiety had been getting worse and worse over the past 5 years. I was getting flu like symptoms and had them for a month. I had also found out that I had bulging discs in my neck which had been causing my headaches for the past year. I thought I had Fibromyalgia or RA. The job I was promised took forever then was taken away from me right before my unemployment ran out. I knew I was going to be making a lot less money due to school at my next job and I was worried about paying the bills. Then one day I was reading about a possible Fibromyalgia treatments and comments from people about how much pain they were in and SNAP, JUST LIKE THAT, my feelings changed. It was like a light switch went off. I all of the sudden got this tremendous sadness/fear/pit in my stomach/extreme guilt came over me. All I could think about is how I shouldn't be keeping my boyfriend around anymore if he is just here for convenience and because I don't want to go through pain alone and end up alone. I DONT KNOW WHERE THIS IS COMING FROM!?!? I always made more money so it isn't like he was paying for most of the rent/bills. Since then I have had this pit in my stomach and feel awkward around him because I feel this way. Sometimes I feel better, but then it comes back! WTF? I feel like such a piece of s**t because he is the best man in the world and loves me very much, I cried and cried to myself, mom and sister. Everyone is telling me that right now I have nothing to do but sit in my apartment and not have anything to focus on other than my thoughts. My job that I didn't have anymore, starting grad school after 14 years, worrying about money, my health issues (it turned out to be Lyme in the end) were all making me worry and have extreme anxiety/depression. I ended up starting Lexapro. I rejected meds for years, but then caved. I just want my feelings to go back to how they were. I have also had this big fear of death and being alone so that could be playing a part as well. But I have never felt what I am feeling right now. I love my boyfriend and couldn't see myself with anyone else. I am not happy about really anything. I am looking into talking to someone, but I need to research it to find the right person. Im sorry for the super long post. Has anyone felt better and resolved their issues? Thank you for any feedback!
jack42034 jaylene85326
Posted
hey jaylene, i'm feeling the same recently, how have you managed recently? any improvements?
ken09489 carli80797
Edited
Hi there!
I googled this same question and came across your story and it shocked me because it felt as if you took exactly what i felt and wrote it! I'm going through the exact same thing and it hurts a lot. However, i for sure suffer from anxiety and depression, i have been diagnosed with it and i took treatment for about 2 years on and off because i hated the side effects and would stop taking it and eventually relapsed, etc. .fast forward to now, It's been several months since i have not taken meds or seen a doctor because i have no insurance.. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and he is so good to me, it's a healthy relationship except i have been obsessing about the negative things, pet peeves, petty incidents, the future, his future, if we marry and his family will be intruding and if he will allow it or put his foot down, if we will make enough money together for a family, literally everything!! even if i really do love him too or if we are right for each other, every possible scenario has crossed my mind ! and out of no where too..(i know in my heart that i love him but my mind tells me otherwise and tells me that im just hurting him) reading everyone's story here tells me it cant be a coincidence. depression has to be a culprit here, i am 27 years old and i feel this illness has stolen my joy...please let us know how you are doing
Hannah2110 ken09489
Posted
I suffer from depression which was diagnosed shortly after meeting my SO. So I think since then I have always wondered if the relationship caused it. However, my SO (Jordan) is absolutely incredible, he is loving, hard working, wants a family, wants to see the world, and these are all things I want in a man and I could not bear to lose him. But I can't seem to escape this horrible, consuming doubt I have in my mind about the relationship, and there genuinley is NO REASON. I fancy him like mad and we have the best friendship, so the whole thing makes absolutely no sense to me and I almost feel like when it is bad, I begin to beleieve so much that I don't want to be with him, that it makes me act differently around him, it absolutely breaks my heart because I KNOW I don't want anything more than to be with him and have the future we have planned together. I am on SSRI's which help sometimes but I go through periods of complete turmoil where I spend most my days reading up on sites such as this. I have looked at ROCD which is pretty much exactly how I feel daily, along with Anedhonia (not sure if it's spelled right). I am 27 and just want to be able to enjoy my life with Jordan, not alone, not with someone else. With him 😦. Can anyone relate or offer tips? I exercise regularly, take time to myself, meditate etc. but nothing (except wine) seems to lessen the pain, guilt and anxiety.
Please help xx
ken09489 Hannah2110
Edited
anxiety and depression definitely has a lot to do with this. i know exactly what you're going through because i am too and its so draining. The only things that help me sometimes is to read, exercise, youtube videos, podcasts, cleaning, pampering myself, and hold on to the moments of clarity.
Hannah2110 ken09489
Posted
Sorry I have only just seen this response! I wrote him a letter this week to try and explain how it is and he is so understanding, supporting and loving to me about everything - which in itself is a trigger for me because it makes me feel guilty! How long have you suffered with this? x
ken09489 Hannah2110
Posted
Hi Hannah! sorry so late, i have just now received an email from this forum! i didn't suffer from this until a year of dating this person. i was with him for almost 2 years. i broke up with him on October and it was the hardest thing i have done!! i loved him but i realized i was not happy with him, we did not have so much in common and our goals weren't matching up, he had started to become complacent and I was unhappy no matter how good he was to me. the break up was painful but i am in a better place since then because he was not the one for me. i do however fear the next time i get in a relationship if it would happen again:( i also have trust issues because the guys i have been meeting are not serious about anything, they act like they want a relationship and to commit to me but i later see they just want to get in bed.
morganne1996 carli80797
Posted
Hi everyone,
I've been following this thread for about 6 weeks now. I stumbled across it when I started googling how depression/anxiety can make you feel like your relationship isn't the same anymore.
Basically everything everyone is saying is exactly how I've been feeling lately.
Steve and I have been together for a little more than a year and a half now, and he's become my bestfriend, my better half, and my person. He's such a loving and caring man. I've honestly never met a more genuinely good person.
He kisses me goodbye every morning, sends "drive safe" texts, checks up on me daily, holds me when things get hard, loves me fiercely, and reassures me of his love. We've started building the life I've always imagined and dreamed of having.
I recently came back to my old job where, before I met him, had a relationship with a man who also worked with me. I walk around this and spend so much time and effort trying to forget my past difficult and toxic relationship. After coming back to work here my mental health has just worsened to the point where I hate leaving my house, I spend most days crying, and I feel absolutely nothing. I'm consumed by my thoughts that's Steve is better off without me, all I cause is pain, maybe he only keeps me around for money or sex, I'm a failure, or maybe I don't love him anymore. Nothing has ever hurt so bad, feeling this way.
Steve knows everything that happened, and how hard this is on me. I've communicated exactly how I've been feeling this whole time, and he's been so supportive. He takes extra steps everyday to make sure I'm okay, and tries everything in his power to make me happy.
I know from the bottom of my heart that this is the man I want to spend my life with. I want to marry him and raise a family with him.
I just don't understand why I'm feeling this way. sometimes it gets so bad I wonder if it's all true.
ken09489 morganne1996
Posted
i have been researching about this anxiety thing called ROCD (relationship obsessive compulsive disorder) it relates a whole lot to what we are going through. search youtube videos and you will understand, it hits.. our negative obsessive thoughts are lying to us and making us see things and feel things that almost seem real but they aren't, our minds our that powerful. i guess what we have to pay attention to, is the moments of clarity that we get, hold onto these..the good moments.
ken09489
Posted
what I'd like to know is, why did you go back to that old job? if all that is bringing now, is extra anxiety that is adding up
morganne1996 ken09489
Posted
I will definitely research that! Thank you so much! The moments of clarity are like pure bliss, where everything is back to the way it was and it feels so good. But the anxiety and compulsive thoughts always hit harder after my moments of clarity, and that's when my mind takes over and tells me I shouldn't be this happy, or this isn't real.
Sometimes I don't even know what's real anymore, which is really scary actually.
I originally left the restaurant to go back to school, but quickly realized I wasn't making enough money to even pay my portion of the mortgage, or any groceries. Steve and I talked for a while about me getting back into another management roll in a restaurant. I applied and interviewed at so many different places over the course of 6 months. Debt was really starting to pile up, and when an opportunity to come back to the restaurant I was previously for even more money arouse, we talked it over and thought it wouldn't be a bad idea.
I honestly had no idea my anxiety would get this bad. From the bottom of my heart I thought I had moved on from the past and I would be able to continue to separate myself from it.
haley96203 morganne1996
Posted
@morganne1996 I know I am commenting on this super late but I came upon this thread and was wondering where you are at in your life right now. Has things gotten better, are you still with your boyfriend, are there any tips you would suggests?
natti26343 morganne1996
Posted
"Sometimes I don't even know what's real anymore, which is really scary actually."
omg, this resonates so strongly.
And then it's the worst when I get the advice "just listen to your emotions". How can I do it when I can't identify what I feel, since all is poisoned with fear? And then I start running in circles, not being able to figure out is it really that I can't see love through fear, or the love is not there at all and the fear is a sympthom.
morganne1996 haley96203
Posted
Sorry I'm commenting so late! Ive gotten new job, and I started taking antidepressants. And things in our life are becoming normal. There are times when i struggle, but he really helps me through it all.